this is the umpteenth post i've thought about writing.
i just never do because i can't formulate my thoughts complete enough.
i'm still here.
and speaking of umpteenth, i am starting yet another medication.
ohmygod the ups and downs!
finally found something that more or less worked, but the side effects are such that Dr. NewGuy wants me off. and to begin something ELSE.
this is like my 6th medication?????
holy hell.
generally speaking, things have been fine. in the last month i've felt a little more up than down. the holidays came and went and were fun. i thrive in that busy time of fun!
since i wrote last, i turned 40 and had a wonderful blast with some of my closest girlfriends in a mountain house. so now plans are being made to do a mother/daughter trip late this summer.
other plans are being made for spring break and summer..... things are nice right now.
i'm disgruntled at the newest medicine. i will fill it and begin later this week.....
hope to be back to document!
Showing posts with label meds. Show all posts
Showing posts with label meds. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Saturday, September 6, 2014
surreality
a few surreal things have occurred recently. in no particular order of importance:
The Mr. will miss our 12th wedding anniversary because he is exactly where he was a year ago when he missed our 11th anniversary. [ obviously, no, i didn't come with.]i am constantly being challenged with the concept of the time change. it's fun to share with The Bean, too. we get a kick out of knowing that we wake up when he goes to sleep.
However, time really does seem warped to know that he sent me an anniversary card from the airport when he left. it came to me as he landed.
it makes sense since his travel day was pretty much 24hrs, but when you put it that way, it just felt pretty surreal.
The Mr. will miss our 12th wedding anniversary because he is exactly where he was a year ago when he missed our 11th anniversary. [ obviously, no, i didn't come with.]i am constantly being challenged with the concept of the time change. it's fun to share with The Bean, too. we get a kick out of knowing that we wake up when he goes to sleep.
However, time really does seem warped to know that he sent me an anniversary card from the airport when he left. it came to me as he landed.
it makes sense since his travel day was pretty much 24hrs, but when you put it that way, it just felt pretty surreal.
********
this morning, The Bean asked me if we ever went to Callaway Gardens. I told her we went when she was a baby. so after breakfast, i pulled up her blog & showed her a few of the pix I had posted. which led to a couple of other posts. which led to me just randomizing my blog... she was pretty captivated and she captivated me by reading my words back to me.
that's surreal enough- but another great thing- she gets my humor!
********
i have been having lots of deep dreams again, lately. this is nothing new to me. whether it is brought about because of (yet another) medication i really can't tell. what i do know is these are surreal, yes, but not as evil or dark or scary as some of mine can be (medicated or not)
********
i am currently typing this while watching the Ohio State, Virginia Tech game. surreal that i care a damn about football that's not even Clemson. surreal that VT is up by 2 TD's after OSU missed not one but 2 field goal attempts. the fact that I even know that is surreal is surreal in itself.
********
unfortunately there is some surreal shit going on in my family that is not at all what would be expected (even from my crazy family). it's life-changing. and not the good kind.
********
The Bean has had more bouts of odd coincidences. (The Mr. calls them coincidences. i'm not sure how to explain them).
she pretended some squirrels were named Coleman and Lillianna. Two names that I know in my life; neither of which are amazingly important- but those are not names we know of in her little 6 year old world. Neither one of them are particularly common. And who names squirrels anyway??
Also surreal? she said to me that 90 is old and she doesn't want to be old. She only wants to be 40. anyone who knows me knows that is amazing. and what 6 year old thinks like that. At breakfast. when we were not talking about birthdays or ages or old or anything that could have led her to this statement.
and lastly? she spoke in such a way that I seriously had to consider if something is ESP if your own mind is blank. I will be posting that story on her blog next.....
Thursday, April 24, 2014
ramblings
oh so much mulling in my mind......
....we had a completely marvelous spring break! TN was awesome. everyone enjoyed each other for the most part. except for watching a very distressing/realistic depiction of *something* in season 3 of Downton Abbey & a couple of moments from the bean, it was perfect!
....i can't wait for the next state! we (i) haven't planned where we're going this summer yet. but we'll definitely do something. i have a map in our bonus room that i'm coloring in as we go. unfortunately, it's not working out as i planned. i had hoped to go see my friend that moved to AR this past summer. when i saw where she was, i see she's on the edge so that woulda given us an opportunity to see 3 states! however, sadly we just aren't friends anymore. once she left she left. it breaks my heart but i can't constantly reach out only to be left hanging. she warned me she's like that. i just didn't think she'd be like that with me.
.... i just dropped the bean off at school (!!!) and i had that typical cliche moment where she looked back at me. and yeah. cliche abound. that shit really does get to you.
....The Mr. & i watched the NCAA basketball championship.... ie "pick'ems" we had a wager on it. it was the most exciting set of games we've seen probably ever. it was fun! and as down to the wire most of those games were, our brackets were too and The Mr. won by 2pts. now i have to watch an episode of the ever stupid "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia". used to watch that show with him; then i realized i'm not a 10 year old boy.
...have intended to write posts on Dr. New Guy and meds and all.... the short of it is i am off all meds right now (and have been for about 2 months).
he upped what was working for me. but that wasn't working for me. so he took me off & said take a break for about a month with intention of starting #4 (!!). i could also go back to #3 first dose if i wanted.
i don't know what i want.
i was dealing with some other major issues & feel i handled it well- unmedicated. so now i don't know i don't know i don't know.
...our winter is over- though every time i go to weather.com i see the red warning headline that SOMEONE out there is expecting 12" snow again. we had 2 "snows", along with those "cold" days.
the day before Easter was cloudy, dark, rainy & cold. i couldn't believe it was actually Easter. however, wake up sunday and it was our typical spring lovely.
...& the night before Easter, The Mr. & i went to see Lion King at the Fox.
i'm sad to say that it wasn't as astoundingly wonderful as i'd been told/hoped/thought.
yes it was a good night out. yes the costumes were innovative. but, i don't know. it was just not the oomph we had hoped for.
same with Book of Mormon.
[those 2 shows alone are what drove us to buy season tickets]
to be fair, Lion King isn't my all-time-fave anyway. i have probably only seen it 2ce; and not in ages.
...however we decided we will bring the bean to The Little Mermaid on her birthday this year (great timing!) and that is one of my fave disney shows. i hope this one will be better!
...it's been a year since i got to go to Utah and boy am i frustrated. i have instilled a pact w/ my 2 friends to spur us all on. and for some reason it's just not working for me. even on my really really good days i'm not moving the scale (in the right direction) very much. zaps my motivation for sure. along with that month i was dealing with all the other stuff. i just can't focus.
really wish i could get my motivation back (meds??) because THIS is as much vacation as i'm gonna have this year.... 6 hours of school each day. and that is quickly winding down.
okay- i guess i should be done rambling for now. hope to be back with a proper post soon.
....we had a completely marvelous spring break! TN was awesome. everyone enjoyed each other for the most part. except for watching a very distressing/realistic depiction of *something* in season 3 of Downton Abbey & a couple of moments from the bean, it was perfect!
....i can't wait for the next state! we (i) haven't planned where we're going this summer yet. but we'll definitely do something. i have a map in our bonus room that i'm coloring in as we go. unfortunately, it's not working out as i planned. i had hoped to go see my friend that moved to AR this past summer. when i saw where she was, i see she's on the edge so that woulda given us an opportunity to see 3 states! however, sadly we just aren't friends anymore. once she left she left. it breaks my heart but i can't constantly reach out only to be left hanging. she warned me she's like that. i just didn't think she'd be like that with me.
.... i just dropped the bean off at school (!!!) and i had that typical cliche moment where she looked back at me. and yeah. cliche abound. that shit really does get to you.
....The Mr. & i watched the NCAA basketball championship.... ie "pick'ems" we had a wager on it. it was the most exciting set of games we've seen probably ever. it was fun! and as down to the wire most of those games were, our brackets were too and The Mr. won by 2pts. now i have to watch an episode of the ever stupid "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia". used to watch that show with him; then i realized i'm not a 10 year old boy.
...have intended to write posts on Dr. New Guy and meds and all.... the short of it is i am off all meds right now (and have been for about 2 months).
he upped what was working for me. but that wasn't working for me. so he took me off & said take a break for about a month with intention of starting #4 (!!). i could also go back to #3 first dose if i wanted.
i don't know what i want.
i was dealing with some other major issues & feel i handled it well- unmedicated. so now i don't know i don't know i don't know.
...our winter is over- though every time i go to weather.com i see the red warning headline that SOMEONE out there is expecting 12" snow again. we had 2 "snows", along with those "cold" days.
the day before Easter was cloudy, dark, rainy & cold. i couldn't believe it was actually Easter. however, wake up sunday and it was our typical spring lovely.
...& the night before Easter, The Mr. & i went to see Lion King at the Fox.
i'm sad to say that it wasn't as astoundingly wonderful as i'd been told/hoped/thought.
yes it was a good night out. yes the costumes were innovative. but, i don't know. it was just not the oomph we had hoped for.
same with Book of Mormon.
[those 2 shows alone are what drove us to buy season tickets]
to be fair, Lion King isn't my all-time-fave anyway. i have probably only seen it 2ce; and not in ages.
...however we decided we will bring the bean to The Little Mermaid on her birthday this year (great timing!) and that is one of my fave disney shows. i hope this one will be better!
...it's been a year since i got to go to Utah and boy am i frustrated. i have instilled a pact w/ my 2 friends to spur us all on. and for some reason it's just not working for me. even on my really really good days i'm not moving the scale (in the right direction) very much. zaps my motivation for sure. along with that month i was dealing with all the other stuff. i just can't focus.
really wish i could get my motivation back (meds??) because THIS is as much vacation as i'm gonna have this year.... 6 hours of school each day. and that is quickly winding down.
okay- i guess i should be done rambling for now. hope to be back with a proper post soon.
Friday, November 22, 2013
these days
just a super quick update to say Hi! I'm still here.
all is well.
it's been the better part of a month, and i've started my new meds (#3!) and i think i can say i'm noticing a difference. i can't account for why i have had a couple of sluggish days in the past week, or why my motivation plummeted after being so awesome these past two weeks since The Mr. was down under again.
but i can say that even though i was sluggish & unmotivated, it wasn't as though i *felt* depressed.
the last time The Mr. was in Australia, i had just begun welllbutrin. i was reluctant to go on these new meds (pristiq) right before he left, however, the 2 weeks prior to his leaving i felt i was slipping into a funk.
this time of year- from october-jan 2nd- is always my pick-me-up time. i love it. looking forward to things & planning occasions is usually enough to keep me balanced. last year, though, i was OK, i noticed it wasn't quite the same as i'm used to. this year i feel more like my autumn self.
so when i was starting to slump, i decided to begin my meds. The Mr. joined the rest of you people and bought a smart phone so that it would have global calling abilities, should i need him.
i think the fact that i had my whatever episode last time was enough for me to really encourage that.
the past few weeks while he was gone, i was extremely motivated to exercise & eat (somewhat) decently. even when the bean was having some really bad days & being a terror, i kept everything at bay and didn't let that rile me up like i would have before.
The Mr. is on his way home now, and we are truly looking forward to next week. he'll work from home the first part of the week & hope for an "easy" time. The girl & i will try to occupy ourselves and have playdates before we venture to g'ville for our thanksgiving holidays.
we are all so very excited to be together & dare i think--- relax!!
i hope you can do the same.
enjoy your families & friends.
see you in december....
all is well.
it's been the better part of a month, and i've started my new meds (#3!) and i think i can say i'm noticing a difference. i can't account for why i have had a couple of sluggish days in the past week, or why my motivation plummeted after being so awesome these past two weeks since The Mr. was down under again.
but i can say that even though i was sluggish & unmotivated, it wasn't as though i *felt* depressed.
the last time The Mr. was in Australia, i had just begun welllbutrin. i was reluctant to go on these new meds (pristiq) right before he left, however, the 2 weeks prior to his leaving i felt i was slipping into a funk.
this time of year- from october-jan 2nd- is always my pick-me-up time. i love it. looking forward to things & planning occasions is usually enough to keep me balanced. last year, though, i was OK, i noticed it wasn't quite the same as i'm used to. this year i feel more like my autumn self.
so when i was starting to slump, i decided to begin my meds. The Mr. joined the rest of you people and bought a smart phone so that it would have global calling abilities, should i need him.
i think the fact that i had my whatever episode last time was enough for me to really encourage that.
the past few weeks while he was gone, i was extremely motivated to exercise & eat (somewhat) decently. even when the bean was having some really bad days & being a terror, i kept everything at bay and didn't let that rile me up like i would have before.
The Mr. is on his way home now, and we are truly looking forward to next week. he'll work from home the first part of the week & hope for an "easy" time. The girl & i will try to occupy ourselves and have playdates before we venture to g'ville for our thanksgiving holidays.
we are all so very excited to be together & dare i think--- relax!!
i hope you can do the same.
enjoy your families & friends.
see you in december....
Thursday, October 10, 2013
medicine merry-go-round
welp!
exactly what i didn't want to happen, seemingly is beginning to happen.
Dr. New Guy is taking me off Wellbutrin.
only to put me on something else.
i am so very frustrated with this. this is exactly why i have been fighting meds.
i am so vague in everything, i will never know if meds work.... and now i should try yet another.
give that time to "work". how will i know if it does??
as i've said before, a pill that i take will not make the people around me better.
the bean will still be a brat. the marriage will still sometimes have flaws. The Mr. will still travel. the stress will still come & go.
i still get random bouts/days of feeling depressed. some days i can ignore it. some days can be just fine.
i have been keeping track. there is no pattern. it would stand to reason that PMS could be a factor in my depression. and that could possibly happen for a day or 2 before it comes. however, it can come 2 weeks, 1 week, or not at all before it comes, too.
so, i asked Dr. New Guy if i should wait for this new meds for when i'm in my down mood. he said it was a personal choice. but to realize it could take time for the meds work.
he said i could go ahead and begin my new meds now. but The Mr. & i agree that i should first wean off current meds. wait a week or so & clear my system.
in light of the random side-effecty type symptoms i seem to get; i'd rather have a clearer picture on what the cause could be. the new meds or the "withdrawal" from the old meds.
or just my general freaky self i've been struggling with for forever.
i have begun the process. i will take 1/2 pills til' i'm out.
and as far as beginning something new...............
i just don't know!!!
GAH.
the only good thing that has come of this so far, is that in researching the new meds, i came across a "progress tracker" so now i can have a better description of my days & progress instead of just my spreadsheet that says "depressed". maybe this can shed some light on things, too.
still, though, GAH
exactly what i didn't want to happen, seemingly is beginning to happen.
Dr. New Guy is taking me off Wellbutrin.
only to put me on something else.
i am so very frustrated with this. this is exactly why i have been fighting meds.
i am so vague in everything, i will never know if meds work.... and now i should try yet another.
give that time to "work". how will i know if it does??
as i've said before, a pill that i take will not make the people around me better.
the bean will still be a brat. the marriage will still sometimes have flaws. The Mr. will still travel. the stress will still come & go.
i still get random bouts/days of feeling depressed. some days i can ignore it. some days can be just fine.
i have been keeping track. there is no pattern. it would stand to reason that PMS could be a factor in my depression. and that could possibly happen for a day or 2 before it comes. however, it can come 2 weeks, 1 week, or not at all before it comes, too.
so, i asked Dr. New Guy if i should wait for this new meds for when i'm in my down mood. he said it was a personal choice. but to realize it could take time for the meds work.
he said i could go ahead and begin my new meds now. but The Mr. & i agree that i should first wean off current meds. wait a week or so & clear my system.
in light of the random side-effecty type symptoms i seem to get; i'd rather have a clearer picture on what the cause could be. the new meds or the "withdrawal" from the old meds.
or just my general freaky self i've been struggling with for forever.
i have begun the process. i will take 1/2 pills til' i'm out.
and as far as beginning something new...............
i just don't know!!!
GAH.
the only good thing that has come of this so far, is that in researching the new meds, i came across a "progress tracker" so now i can have a better description of my days & progress instead of just my spreadsheet that says "depressed". maybe this can shed some light on things, too.
still, though, GAH
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
day whatever
so much for my quest for documenting my new meds....
well, i guess i kinda suck at it.
i have been on a full dose for the better part of 2 weeks.
the short of it is i have had a few (much smaller) bouts of oddity going on.
this type of stuff has plagued me my whole life, and it's quite frustrating. nothing major happens; and anything that is major i fail to be able to describe.
the only thing i can ever say in those moments is "i don't feel right".
vague, much?
so lately, i have little single instances of a woozy feeling. i'm not sure i would classify that in the "dizzy" category of the side effects. to me, dizzy sounds like a constant -vertigo-feeling (which sucks so bad!).
every once in awhile, i have felt the world just turn upside down. or move below my feet. or some odd thing like that. but then it's over. in those times i try to be conscious of any anxiety and tell myself not to get a panic attack. (is that something you can even control? i don't know).
The Mr. was home last week. and though that helped he wasn't on the other side of the world, i still don't feel any differently. i still got (quite) annoyed at the bean & her bad behaviors. i still got frustrated at situations.
i'm not sure *what* i'm supposed to feel... will butterflies and rainbows follow me overhead now?
the thing that keeps me skeptical is that i already have random bouts of depression. so maybe i just take this dern pill for 6 months and see if i have any bouts of depression then? b/c as far as i can tell, that's gonna be my only "tell".
i did have a productive day yesterday. and am hopeful for a better october in that regard.
so did it affect my motivation?? hard to tell. maybe.
so-
headache- 0
dry mouth- 0
nausea- 2
insomnia- 0
dizziness- 2
not sure what i'll tell Dr. New Guy when i meet with him next week.
well, i guess i kinda suck at it.
i have been on a full dose for the better part of 2 weeks.
the short of it is i have had a few (much smaller) bouts of oddity going on.
this type of stuff has plagued me my whole life, and it's quite frustrating. nothing major happens; and anything that is major i fail to be able to describe.
the only thing i can ever say in those moments is "i don't feel right".
vague, much?
so lately, i have little single instances of a woozy feeling. i'm not sure i would classify that in the "dizzy" category of the side effects. to me, dizzy sounds like a constant -vertigo-feeling (which sucks so bad!).
every once in awhile, i have felt the world just turn upside down. or move below my feet. or some odd thing like that. but then it's over. in those times i try to be conscious of any anxiety and tell myself not to get a panic attack. (is that something you can even control? i don't know).
The Mr. was home last week. and though that helped he wasn't on the other side of the world, i still don't feel any differently. i still got (quite) annoyed at the bean & her bad behaviors. i still got frustrated at situations.
i'm not sure *what* i'm supposed to feel... will butterflies and rainbows follow me overhead now?
the thing that keeps me skeptical is that i already have random bouts of depression. so maybe i just take this dern pill for 6 months and see if i have any bouts of depression then? b/c as far as i can tell, that's gonna be my only "tell".
i did have a productive day yesterday. and am hopeful for a better october in that regard.
so did it affect my motivation?? hard to tell. maybe.
so-
headache- 0
dry mouth- 0
nausea- 2
insomnia- 0
dizziness- 2
not sure what i'll tell Dr. New Guy when i meet with him next week.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
day 13
there's not a whole lot to report w/ any side effects, but i thought i would write a little about it.
since my last episode- i haven't really had that same feeling. (well, certainly not to the same extent)
however, since The Mr. has been gone, i decided to stay on the half-pill course until someone can be here if i wig out again. Dr. New Guy said that sounded like smart thinking.
it didn't stop me from driving 3hrs to & from g'ville with the bean. i was slightly nervous coming home because my cell died & i didn't bring my charger. so i had to keep any anxiety at bay since there'd be no way to contact anyone if anything dire happened.
so i don't feel any immediate effects.
but- i'm 1) on a half pill, and 2) a world away from The Mr.
as for the other side effects:
headache- 1
dry mouth- 0
nausea- 1
insomnia- 0
dizziness- 0
i've had a few instances of just feeling annoyed. i'm blaming long days or hectic times & not having a lot of time to talk with The Mr. for so long.
we'll see if things even out in the next week or so with that...
since my last episode- i haven't really had that same feeling. (well, certainly not to the same extent)
however, since The Mr. has been gone, i decided to stay on the half-pill course until someone can be here if i wig out again. Dr. New Guy said that sounded like smart thinking.
it didn't stop me from driving 3hrs to & from g'ville with the bean. i was slightly nervous coming home because my cell died & i didn't bring my charger. so i had to keep any anxiety at bay since there'd be no way to contact anyone if anything dire happened.
so i don't feel any immediate effects.
but- i'm 1) on a half pill, and 2) a world away from The Mr.
as for the other side effects:
headache- 1
dry mouth- 0
nausea- 1
insomnia- 0
dizziness- 0
i've had a few instances of just feeling annoyed. i'm blaming long days or hectic times & not having a lot of time to talk with The Mr. for so long.
we'll see if things even out in the next week or so with that...
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
days 5 & 6
i'm still on the half-pills.
and right now i'm not feeling very well, physically.
i had a moment where i alluvasudden didn't feel good, and then THAT made me have anxiety.
since that happened this morning, i have just not felt well, and am increasingly getting tired. though i didn't sleep very well last night, so that doesn't help.
i'm not calling it my medicine just yet. but i am on the lookout with it. if it keeps continuing, i need to re-evaluate. but 6 days in i can't imagine is enough to do me in! (3 pills)
headache- 0
dry mouth- 0
nausea- 2
insomnia- 0
dizziness- 2
and right now i'm not feeling very well, physically.
i had a moment where i alluvasudden didn't feel good, and then THAT made me have anxiety.
since that happened this morning, i have just not felt well, and am increasingly getting tired. though i didn't sleep very well last night, so that doesn't help.
i'm not calling it my medicine just yet. but i am on the lookout with it. if it keeps continuing, i need to re-evaluate. but 6 days in i can't imagine is enough to do me in! (3 pills)
headache- 0
dry mouth- 0
nausea- 2
insomnia- 0
dizziness- 2
Monday, September 9, 2013
days 3 & 4
so, again, i've taken 2 half-pills for the past 2 days.
my side effects these past 2 days are:
headache- 0
dry mouth- 1 (or is it thirst?? i have been exercising the past few days)
nausea- 1ish. it's not exactly nausea, but more of a tight belly.
insomnia- 0
dizziness- 0
i will also note that even though irritability isn't on the list, the last 2 days have given me less patience & more annoyance. (which i thought this pill would solve)
admittedly, that may have a lot to do with circumstance & not the medication. but i did want it noted in case it comes up again.
i exercised today for the first time since being on the pill, since i hadn't had a chance to do so.
i was fairly productive this morning until i sat down. then i felt my legs go to jelly & have wanted to do less walking around.
i have plans to exercise tomorrow and take a class at the gym that i've been wanting to.
but it will be a very busy morning tomorrow... i hope my plan will work!
my side effects these past 2 days are:
headache- 0
dry mouth- 1 (or is it thirst?? i have been exercising the past few days)
nausea- 1ish. it's not exactly nausea, but more of a tight belly.
insomnia- 0
dizziness- 0
i will also note that even though irritability isn't on the list, the last 2 days have given me less patience & more annoyance. (which i thought this pill would solve)
admittedly, that may have a lot to do with circumstance & not the medication. but i did want it noted in case it comes up again.
i exercised today for the first time since being on the pill, since i hadn't had a chance to do so.
i was fairly productive this morning until i sat down. then i felt my legs go to jelly & have wanted to do less walking around.
i have plans to exercise tomorrow and take a class at the gym that i've been wanting to.
but it will be a very busy morning tomorrow... i hope my plan will work!
Saturday, September 7, 2013
days 1 & 2
well, i wanted to do a quick post to run-down any side effects of my new crazy pill.
to make it easy, i'll just say: none.
i have taken 2 half-pills, and i haven't felt anything. i have made sure to have caffeine so i won't confuse reasons for a headache.
i'm such a skeptic anyway- i don't want to cloud anything.
doc new guy said i *could* feel immediate happy. that is also not the case, though i didn't begin this in a down time either. i was already at a point where i wasn't very low. which i guess is my "happy"
i wish i knew why i do this.
i know on paper i should NOT feel depressed AT ALL.
if you don't believe me, read my oh MAN posts... i got lucky in the Mr. department!
but, for whatever reason (and no apparent reason) i have times where i just struggle to feel happy or "like myself". which is kind of a misnomer because for so much of my life this is how i've been--- so i guess that's EXACTLY like myself.
i don't know what it is about me that thinks things-everything!-should be better.
and i don't know what it is about me that sometimes can ignore the hate & anger i feel towards myself.
anyways, i guess i'm going off on a tangent.
things here are fine.
today the bean and i had a swim playdate & watched some football. Yay for Clemson. and especially Yay that USC lost to UGA. [this is the one game i will NEVER root for the 'cocks again]. & yesterday i was extremely busy with only about 45minutes of my day unaccounted for til dinner. The Mr. had to travel (say hi, Constantine!) but the busy-ness of my day helped me to cope for day 1.
we've always known that keeping busy helps me a lot.
also looking forward & planning for things.
but what happens when you lack all motivation??
let's hope day 3 (and all the rest) continues to help.... i would love to gain what i think is lost on me.
to make it easy, i'll just say: none.
i have taken 2 half-pills, and i haven't felt anything. i have made sure to have caffeine so i won't confuse reasons for a headache.
i'm such a skeptic anyway- i don't want to cloud anything.
doc new guy said i *could* feel immediate happy. that is also not the case, though i didn't begin this in a down time either. i was already at a point where i wasn't very low. which i guess is my "happy"
i wish i knew why i do this.
i know on paper i should NOT feel depressed AT ALL.
if you don't believe me, read my oh MAN posts... i got lucky in the Mr. department!
but, for whatever reason (and no apparent reason) i have times where i just struggle to feel happy or "like myself". which is kind of a misnomer because for so much of my life this is how i've been--- so i guess that's EXACTLY like myself.
i don't know what it is about me that thinks things-everything!-should be better.
and i don't know what it is about me that sometimes can ignore the hate & anger i feel towards myself.
anyways, i guess i'm going off on a tangent.
things here are fine.
today the bean and i had a swim playdate & watched some football. Yay for Clemson. and especially Yay that USC lost to UGA. [this is the one game i will NEVER root for the 'cocks again]. & yesterday i was extremely busy with only about 45minutes of my day unaccounted for til dinner. The Mr. had to travel (say hi, Constantine!) but the busy-ness of my day helped me to cope for day 1.
we've always known that keeping busy helps me a lot.
also looking forward & planning for things.
but what happens when you lack all motivation??
let's hope day 3 (and all the rest) continues to help.... i would love to gain what i think is lost on me.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
new side effects
so in keeping up with a new medicine, there are new side effects to track.
although some are similar to Celexa, the research i found had a few that were different. in fact, according to GlaxoSmithKline, these had a 6% or more rate of occurrence vs. placebos.
the ones i will track will be:
headache
dry mouth
nausea
insomnia
dizziness
-----------------------
constipation
tremor
tinnitis
sweating
tremor
those are ones i will try to notice & be aware of.
some of those i already deal with on an inconsistent basis. so that will be fun to figure out.
and it's also noted that seizures can be a side effect, but i think that's with all of these types of meds.
in my googling to see if high cholesterol is caused by wellbutrin, i saw one blip that said it happened in a miniscule # of studied patients. new guy doesn't seem to be concerned with that as an effect, and i had shared with him all of my medical data & charts.
what i will also look for is more motivation, a sense of well being, higher energy, and possibly weight loss & higher libido.
new guy also said that i could possibly feel the effects almost immediately.
let's hope!
so- day minus one, on a scale of 0-5 with 5 being most, my lately can be categorized as:
headache: 2; a 0 for today, and somewhat in the past few days. admittedly, i am almost sure that is caffeine related.
dry mouth: 0
nausea: 0
insomnia: 0
dizziness: 0
that's a good start so far.
although some are similar to Celexa, the research i found had a few that were different. in fact, according to GlaxoSmithKline, these had a 6% or more rate of occurrence vs. placebos.
the ones i will track will be:
headache
dry mouth
nausea
insomnia
dizziness
-----------------------
constipation
tremor
tinnitis
sweating
tremor
those are ones i will try to notice & be aware of.
some of those i already deal with on an inconsistent basis. so that will be fun to figure out.
and it's also noted that seizures can be a side effect, but i think that's with all of these types of meds.
in my googling to see if high cholesterol is caused by wellbutrin, i saw one blip that said it happened in a miniscule # of studied patients. new guy doesn't seem to be concerned with that as an effect, and i had shared with him all of my medical data & charts.
what i will also look for is more motivation, a sense of well being, higher energy, and possibly weight loss & higher libido.
new guy also said that i could possibly feel the effects almost immediately.
let's hope!
so- day minus one, on a scale of 0-5 with 5 being most, my lately can be categorized as:
headache: 2; a 0 for today, and somewhat in the past few days. admittedly, i am almost sure that is caffeine related.
dry mouth: 0
nausea: 0
insomnia: 0
dizziness: 0
that's a good start so far.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
back in the saddle
it is with some anxiety & sadness that i report i am back in the saddle again with meds.
my whole life i've struggled with depression. and my whole life it comes and goes. i have not yet found any particular pattern.
i have looked for patterns; i have even documented my every day from jan 1- july 1 and then i got super busy. since then, my tracking has been less obsessed, but i did try to hit the main parts of the spreadsheet until recently.
over the course of this year/ past few months, i have done my typical highs & lows. (to be clear- this is not bipolar. i am not manic nor euphoric). the way i recently came to describe it is that i hate myself so completely.. just some days i'm better at ignoring it than others.
well, i'm really tired of it.
really.
it's a sadness that permeates me. so it obviously bleeds into other important parts of my life (like my kid & husband). i function very well, so it has not completely overtaken me. but it does dominate my mind a lot. which translates into marital stress- especially when The Mr. is traveling.
so i'm biting the bullet. today i saw a medical doctor with special interest in pharmacology. my therapist mentioned him to me several years ago, and was particularly interested in my seeing him even last year when i had my mysterious sickness.
turns out, this new guy pretty much agrees that Celexa is what did me in. he told me celexa is in a class of drugs that typically has latent side effects. 6months later or so. which is when mine began.
i intended to talk to new guy about medical issues & such as it leads to depression. he seemed pretty confident that my most major issues went away when i weaned myself off. and any other mild complaints i have are not very severe or consistent to warrant any more diagnoses.
he sent me on my way with a new drug.
that i will fill tomorrow.
he knows i'm wary of taking drugs for depression, but i didn't harp on that too much because he is convinced that Wellbutrin will help me. and it shouldn't come with all that sickness i dealt with. i also didn't harp on it too much, because as i said- i'm very tired of this.
i want it to end.
and if i have to take a bloody pill, then so be it.
because lately my motivation is at almost record lows. so exercise & nutrition has been out the window. which is horrible, because i made a giant investment -both in money and self- when i went and had a kickass time in utah.
since school began, i have exercised more regularly, but i keep waiting til' later to focus on nutrition.
my motivation is low that i get in ruts. and the bean is quick to irritate me (without meaning to, many times) and sometimes -especially when The Mr. is gone- i just want to sit & veg.
zero motivation.
can interfere with good parenting.
and good marriaging.
so i will try something new.
i'm filling it tomorrow, and depending on how early it is ready, i may even take pill #1 tomorrow.
in any case, i will re-post side effect data for my records.
DAMMIT.
my whole life i've struggled with depression. and my whole life it comes and goes. i have not yet found any particular pattern.
i have looked for patterns; i have even documented my every day from jan 1- july 1 and then i got super busy. since then, my tracking has been less obsessed, but i did try to hit the main parts of the spreadsheet until recently.
over the course of this year/ past few months, i have done my typical highs & lows. (to be clear- this is not bipolar. i am not manic nor euphoric). the way i recently came to describe it is that i hate myself so completely.. just some days i'm better at ignoring it than others.
well, i'm really tired of it.
really.
it's a sadness that permeates me. so it obviously bleeds into other important parts of my life (like my kid & husband). i function very well, so it has not completely overtaken me. but it does dominate my mind a lot. which translates into marital stress- especially when The Mr. is traveling.
so i'm biting the bullet. today i saw a medical doctor with special interest in pharmacology. my therapist mentioned him to me several years ago, and was particularly interested in my seeing him even last year when i had my mysterious sickness.
turns out, this new guy pretty much agrees that Celexa is what did me in. he told me celexa is in a class of drugs that typically has latent side effects. 6months later or so. which is when mine began.
i intended to talk to new guy about medical issues & such as it leads to depression. he seemed pretty confident that my most major issues went away when i weaned myself off. and any other mild complaints i have are not very severe or consistent to warrant any more diagnoses.
he sent me on my way with a new drug.
that i will fill tomorrow.
he knows i'm wary of taking drugs for depression, but i didn't harp on that too much because he is convinced that Wellbutrin will help me. and it shouldn't come with all that sickness i dealt with. i also didn't harp on it too much, because as i said- i'm very tired of this.
i want it to end.
and if i have to take a bloody pill, then so be it.
because lately my motivation is at almost record lows. so exercise & nutrition has been out the window. which is horrible, because i made a giant investment -both in money and self- when i went and had a kickass time in utah.
since school began, i have exercised more regularly, but i keep waiting til' later to focus on nutrition.
my motivation is low that i get in ruts. and the bean is quick to irritate me (without meaning to, many times) and sometimes -especially when The Mr. is gone- i just want to sit & veg.
zero motivation.
can interfere with good parenting.
and good marriaging.
so i will try something new.
i'm filling it tomorrow, and depending on how early it is ready, i may even take pill #1 tomorrow.
in any case, i will re-post side effect data for my records.
DAMMIT.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
no '13 list
so i looked at my archives and found my lists i made last year about my accomplishments/goals.
i will not be making a list for 2013. which is a shame, since 13 is my number.
but looking at those lists just depressed me. again.
i can't even fathom what i would do in '13; and i see how much i changed/failed for '12!
i will not be making a list for 2013. which is a shame, since 13 is my number.
but looking at those lists just depressed me. again.
i can't even fathom what i would do in '13; and i see how much i changed/failed for '12!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
also, i just looked at my archives and see that i didn't discuss the body wraps (nothing to say/report). and i also didn't post about the current state of my health.
the short of it is: as usual, i'm "fine"
actually went to a good endocrynologist at the end of october. my bloodwork came back perfect.
my cholesterol was even lower than my original number (and in the good range)--- even tho' my exercise and eating hadn't been up to par.
which leads The Mr. to conclude (and i to tend to agree) that my medication made me sick.
i still don't understand that, since i had been on it for 6months before these symptoms piled on me.
however, i'm not going to pretend that i feel just perfect even now.
in fact, as i type this, i'm fighting the urge to sleep.
which---- this is one of the big symptoms i had to begin with way back a year ago.
my Dr. "endo" suggested that this narcoleptic feeling may be diet-based.
tho' it puzzled her b/c even tho i'm into carbs- they are usually paired with protein; which i guess theoretically would cancel out the sluggish/sleepy feeling i feel.
(which is new to me- even tho i've ALWAYS had the same diet.)
she negated the diagnosis of "Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome" that the one doctor had suggested.
and going to get answers from her was difficult, b/c by end of Oct, my symptoms were fleeting and i was more normal than jan-mar. it's hard to diagnose severe headaches/nausea from months back, yeah?
well, i've been tracking almost everything for the past 8 days because i'm starting to feel bad again (not to the same extent, but enough that i'm tracking everything) and i know if i go to another doctor, i want more detailed info to share.
everything from my mood, to caffeine intake affecting headaches, nausea, tiredness, and my general exercise/diet combo.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
i'm wondering if i should find another med to help me with my hating all of my guts, but both The Mr. & i are reluctant to start this cycle all over again. especially considering the last "results" and how i never was convinced Celexa was totally working for me.
as The Mr. says "you already have all these odd ailments... i don't want to add a new medicine on top of that". which is a good point.
but the other side of that?
is hating all of my guts.
so, here's to 2013. and the list/goals i'm not making.
i'm just wanting to get through it.
and if i can be happy about it, that can be a bonus.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
meds update
****i have had this post in my drafts for over a week; i guess i'm just not exactly sure what to say/feel about all this...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i know it has been a long time since i've discussed my meds (celexa) for my depression.
i have been on it since july- so 8months. and have never really determined if it helped anything. as i'd mentioned, parts of my life generally helped my feelings at certain times. looking back, and talking about it with The Mr., we haven't really noticed [felt] any significant change.
well, beginning at the end of january, i've been inexplicably sick. headaches, nausea, fatigue, faintness, and general discomfort have come and gone for the past 11 weeks. i went from a LOT of exercise (as one should) to NONE. it hasn't seemed to help.
after lots of waiting, i have finally gotten my bloodwork back, and was quite disheartened to hear some of the information.
namely, my cholesterol shot up. specifically, my "bad" cholesterol. oh, and my thyroid is (to quote my doc) "suboptimal". along with a few hormonal issues and low cortisol.
lucky for me, i realllly didn't want to go on any depression meds, so prior to this, i had my thyroid tested and bloodwork done. and in one year, my numbers got QUITE skewed.
considering that i have always been honest about my crappy diet, and knowing that i didn't used to exercise at all; much less quite consistently from september-february; january being almost daily! obviously, cholesterol should've been kept at bay.
one would think.
my doctor and i discussed "how in the world could that happen so very quickly"?? she theorizes possibly the low progesterone and low cortisol could be affecting my everything else.
so she wants me on quite a few supplements and prescriptions.
with me looking into things in may and seeing if changes in diet and these meds will help my numbers come down to where they were.
well, guess what?
in one google search, i could come up with a very plausible reason why my numbers are all so wonky:
according to DoubleCheckMD, this is what they come up with:
(oh by the way, i'm thrilled that an underactive thyroid is considered rare)
and just so you know, i didn't go to med school. but this is what the first page of google looked like when i decided to look into it:
i've wanted to call the doctor and be angry. but i know that wouldn't solve anything. i will just go back in may and then find a new doctor if i need to- in order to "start over".
so, The Mr. & i discussed my meds. I talked with my therapist about them. and, interestingly enough, a week or 2 ago, i had a really depressive day. so maybe that shows me that they haven't truly helped me a lot.
or?? maybe i don't have a clue what is realistic to expect.
other bloggers are very poignant about their struggles with depression, and it always strikes me as amazing how well they know themselves. i, however, do not.
so maybe this is the best i get??
in any case- we have decided that i will wean off of them. my OB/GYN (prescribing doc) told me how to do it "correctly".
i never considered that celexa was CAUSING any of my problems. as i said- it has been the better part of a year... so why now. i went off of it specifically to see if my cholesterol can lower and my thyroid can go back to being what it was last february. but it is pretty interesting to note that i am one week into the weaning, and i've only had one bout of fatigue. incidentally, that was NOT the day i had been awake since 4am and on the go for much of the day.
so, yes- there is an I in Fail. but i'm hoping some of this can get back on track...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i know it has been a long time since i've discussed my meds (celexa) for my depression.
i have been on it since july- so 8months. and have never really determined if it helped anything. as i'd mentioned, parts of my life generally helped my feelings at certain times. looking back, and talking about it with The Mr., we haven't really noticed [felt] any significant change.
well, beginning at the end of january, i've been inexplicably sick. headaches, nausea, fatigue, faintness, and general discomfort have come and gone for the past 11 weeks. i went from a LOT of exercise (as one should) to NONE. it hasn't seemed to help.
after lots of waiting, i have finally gotten my bloodwork back, and was quite disheartened to hear some of the information.
namely, my cholesterol shot up. specifically, my "bad" cholesterol. oh, and my thyroid is (to quote my doc) "suboptimal". along with a few hormonal issues and low cortisol.
lucky for me, i realllly didn't want to go on any depression meds, so prior to this, i had my thyroid tested and bloodwork done. and in one year, my numbers got QUITE skewed.
considering that i have always been honest about my crappy diet, and knowing that i didn't used to exercise at all; much less quite consistently from september-february; january being almost daily! obviously, cholesterol should've been kept at bay.
one would think.
my doctor and i discussed "how in the world could that happen so very quickly"?? she theorizes possibly the low progesterone and low cortisol could be affecting my everything else.
so she wants me on quite a few supplements and prescriptions.
with me looking into things in may and seeing if changes in diet and these meds will help my numbers come down to where they were.
well, guess what?
in one google search, i could come up with a very plausible reason why my numbers are all so wonky:
according to DoubleCheckMD, this is what they come up with:
(oh by the way, i'm thrilled that an underactive thyroid is considered rare)and just so you know, i didn't go to med school. but this is what the first page of google looked like when i decided to look into it:
i've wanted to call the doctor and be angry. but i know that wouldn't solve anything. i will just go back in may and then find a new doctor if i need to- in order to "start over".
so, The Mr. & i discussed my meds. I talked with my therapist about them. and, interestingly enough, a week or 2 ago, i had a really depressive day. so maybe that shows me that they haven't truly helped me a lot.
or?? maybe i don't have a clue what is realistic to expect.
other bloggers are very poignant about their struggles with depression, and it always strikes me as amazing how well they know themselves. i, however, do not.
so maybe this is the best i get??
in any case- we have decided that i will wean off of them. my OB/GYN (prescribing doc) told me how to do it "correctly".
i never considered that celexa was CAUSING any of my problems. as i said- it has been the better part of a year... so why now. i went off of it specifically to see if my cholesterol can lower and my thyroid can go back to being what it was last february. but it is pretty interesting to note that i am one week into the weaning, and i've only had one bout of fatigue. incidentally, that was NOT the day i had been awake since 4am and on the go for much of the day.
so, yes- there is an I in Fail. but i'm hoping some of this can get back on track...
Friday, November 4, 2011
another new symptom?
i haven't been posting as much as i thought i would have, or would have liked. i'm not exactly sure why that is. we've been pretty busy the past month or so!
guess that'll do it.
overall, things are okay. there were some times mixed in the past few months that have been exceptional (my birthday weekend being one of them!) and some times that were very very blah. apathetic. i guess you could call it depression-lite.
i'm still taking my meds. though, admittedly, i haven't had them each day for one reason or another. don't get me wrong- for the most part i do take them. but if i'm out or busy right then (usually cooking) i end up forgetting. there have been a coupla days where i had forgotten and then consciously decided to just skip the day. no particular reason, really- they don't bother me. not positive they help completely, but they don't seem to be hindering anything.
all of this has led me to conclude that i'm fairly certain of another strange "symptom".
i did let my therapist know ( but she's not a medical doctor, though).
so i mentioned my heart raced a few times. that has all seemed to subside. but something else i feel pretty much nightly is a different heart-thing. because i'm always equipped with "weird" maladies, i guess i only know to call it a tickle-pressure.
maybe the best way to explain it is how you suppress a cough when you're in a quiet room and don't want to disturb others. you know that feeling you get where it tickles and has a pressure on your throat before you give in to it. that is pretty much the feeling i get in my heart (or more likely my lungs) almost every night.
it doesn't hurt. it's..... well, i guess more annoying than anything.
it's been going on for months. basically nightly. however, i am about 90% certain it only occurs on the evenings i do remember to take my pill.
and it only happens when i lie down to go to bed. when i roll over to my side. (it doesn't matter which one). then it lasts for just a few minutes. no big deal, really. annoying mostly. the "cure" is to straighten up, or again, sit up straight as the other heart issue was cured.
so i guess i'm just not sure what to do with this information........
i don't have any visit scheduled with the doctor anytime soon. and really? shall i pester for something so minor? me and my weird body troubles.
see--- i'm doin it wrong.
guess that'll do it.
overall, things are okay. there were some times mixed in the past few months that have been exceptional (my birthday weekend being one of them!) and some times that were very very blah. apathetic. i guess you could call it depression-lite.
i'm still taking my meds. though, admittedly, i haven't had them each day for one reason or another. don't get me wrong- for the most part i do take them. but if i'm out or busy right then (usually cooking) i end up forgetting. there have been a coupla days where i had forgotten and then consciously decided to just skip the day. no particular reason, really- they don't bother me. not positive they help completely, but they don't seem to be hindering anything.
all of this has led me to conclude that i'm fairly certain of another strange "symptom".
i did let my therapist know ( but she's not a medical doctor, though).
so i mentioned my heart raced a few times. that has all seemed to subside. but something else i feel pretty much nightly is a different heart-thing. because i'm always equipped with "weird" maladies, i guess i only know to call it a tickle-pressure.
maybe the best way to explain it is how you suppress a cough when you're in a quiet room and don't want to disturb others. you know that feeling you get where it tickles and has a pressure on your throat before you give in to it. that is pretty much the feeling i get in my heart (or more likely my lungs) almost every night.
it doesn't hurt. it's..... well, i guess more annoying than anything.
it's been going on for months. basically nightly. however, i am about 90% certain it only occurs on the evenings i do remember to take my pill.
and it only happens when i lie down to go to bed. when i roll over to my side. (it doesn't matter which one). then it lasts for just a few minutes. no big deal, really. annoying mostly. the "cure" is to straighten up, or again, sit up straight as the other heart issue was cured.
so i guess i'm just not sure what to do with this information........
i don't have any visit scheduled with the doctor anytime soon. and really? shall i pester for something so minor? me and my weird body troubles.
see--- i'm doin it wrong.
Monday, September 19, 2011
i want to be more poignant in my writing.
especially today.
but i'm really not able to get much more out than:
i feel like i'm sinking.
again.
and in some ways it's worse.
not the feeling- in fact, it's just a beginning feeling, not the "i'm so done" feeling. (yet)
but i didn't want to keep feeling this way on medication.
i hope to write more later.
especially today.
but i'm really not able to get much more out than:
i feel like i'm sinking.
again.
and in some ways it's worse.
not the feeling- in fact, it's just a beginning feeling, not the "i'm so done" feeling. (yet)
but i didn't want to keep feeling this way on medication.
i hope to write more later.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
handling some chaos
i've been lax in posting, because the past couple of weeks have been busy.
we planned, packed for, and took a vacation (sans Bean!) and this week was spent getting back into routines & other stuff.
so it dawned on me over the course of the last week or so that i needed to update things.
since i've last posted, i'd been busy organizing the trip which included leaving the bean in a different state with my sister who doesn't have many kid-sized things. (turns out, she didn't use much of the toys or any of the food items i brought. the kitchen items, i think were appreciated)
we also had our friends over for grilling out & swimming. that night, The Mr. burned his fingertips on the grilled potato foil pouch. (OUCH. poor guy!)
meanwhile, he had also played soccer the tuesday before (the day, actually, that i posted) and got elbowed pretty good in the back. i think he casually mentioned this to me a few days later on thursday.
saturday (the day we had company) he decided to run most of his normal 6+mile route. except, this time, his back hurt him greatly, so he walked home.
didn't make a big deal of it (of course!) and proceeded to do ALL of the yardwork, including weeding & cutting the bushes (thus lots of bending)
... y'all, i had no idea he was going that far with the yard work, i swear!
sunday he ran again (with the burned fingers) & came home and said his back was super sore. all day long. yet, he insisted on playing with the bean in the pool..... holding her the whole time. in the deep end. swimming, holding her, & letting her balance by holding on to the diving board.
insisted!
sunday night he even got out of bed to get the bean when she needed to go potty. i was completely unaware, and quite annoyed when i found out later that i was not called upon to help.
in any case, 4:30 am rolls around and The Mr. (poor guy!) is in complete and utter pain. i'd never seen him like that before! not even when he got hit while riding his bike, and he has the "shark bite" gash in his leg to show for it.
i asked if he would please PLEASE go to a doctor afterall! he (finally) conceded. so i asked if we should go now. of course, his reply was "no"
that reply quickly changed not 10 minutes later when he had no choice.
i guess he preferred to go to the ER in style via a 911 call! we joke about it now, but no. that indeed was not funny- when he passed out! was the most horrendous 45 seconds of my life. (and possibly his?) and that includes one hellish labor story!
[i'd like to interrupt this drama by remarking how AMAZING amazing our 3yo little girl is! the girl who used to wake up when The Mr. walked upstairs slept through all of the yelling (pain), screaming (fear), panicked phone call, several trips downstairs to gather items, 5 big men coming upstairs in less-than-quiet fashion (including taking a cellphone call outside of her bedroom door!), walking The Mr. down & strapping him to a loud jostly gurney!!]
ok. so i guess i didn't interrupt the drama, but just spilled it all to you.
oh, and this all occured the day before taking our much anticipated, long awaited vacation.
golden!
so monday was spent shuttling back and forth & just general dealing with all that comes from a 911 call at 5am. we debated about the vacation, and ultimately decided to go.
sure, it changed some of our plans (like bike rides & hiking), but it would still be a vacation, which is the important part of the idea!
the vacation was not without it's own mini-chaos. we spent the first 1/2 worried about the condition of The Mr.'s back pain & the second 1/2 wondering about getting home. our flight was via JFK in NYC, which even though we had the foresight to cut our vacay a little short & go on an earlier flight, obv, that all changed when NYC shut down a day early.
i am so terribly sorry for the devastation that hurricane Irene caused in NC & New England! it is truly unbelievable to see all the flooding in VT & hear about all the power outages along the eastern seabord.
our vacation was actually spent in VT & we spent one night in Montreal. i kept the whole thing in stride, knowing that THIS problem wasn't really all that bad considering we weren't in the eye of the hurricane! (not yet anyway)
as we all know, the storm lessened after it gave NC a big beating. (my niece's college and apartment was pretty torn up in the whole event, though i haven't heard about all the actual damage). i figured if we can't get out Til Tuesday (hush hush) then we'd just have bonus vacation, and i would worry about being huddled scared in a hotel basement when it comes barreling to VT later.
of course, that's not how things ended up. once NYC shut down, we really figured that no, we couldn't just stay and hang out in a storm situation for extra days just for "fun". so we dealt with a lot of old PRTM majors trying to take us tourists back home. some were more helpful/understanding than others. it took both The Mr. & my bright ideas combined to ultimately decide that from montreal we were going to leave our luggage at the now over-booked hotel, drive back to VT to return our rental car (thanks a lot, "Thrafty"!), take their shuttle to the airport, hang out for a few hours, buy (what appeared to be the very last) 2 tickets on greyhound and go immediately BACK to canada to walk to get our luggage & take a taxi to the (incredibly awesome) marriott attached to the airport so we could fly out of montreal the next morning.
hindsight is great. because 3 of the 3 alternative flights we had booked in the course of all this were either canceled or delayed 3+ hours.
i kinda sound like a douche whining about this, when i know many people were actually affected by the hurricane! i know it was frustrating, but i'm very thankful that it was never horrifying. (not like the 45 seconds before all the vacation began!)
so, i guess my meds are holding up. i'm not sure what it would've changed if i hadn't been on them. but we dealt with what the most chaotic/dramatic week we'd experienced thusfar. but even in my most depressive days, i usually can keep things in perspective. i always recognize that many many people have things far worse off! & i can usually find something to be thankful about regarding my situation(s).
it always makes me feel so GD selfish for being "depressed" at all.
we planned, packed for, and took a vacation (sans Bean!) and this week was spent getting back into routines & other stuff.
so it dawned on me over the course of the last week or so that i needed to update things.
since i've last posted, i'd been busy organizing the trip which included leaving the bean in a different state with my sister who doesn't have many kid-sized things. (turns out, she didn't use much of the toys or any of the food items i brought. the kitchen items, i think were appreciated)
we also had our friends over for grilling out & swimming. that night, The Mr. burned his fingertips on the grilled potato foil pouch. (OUCH. poor guy!)
meanwhile, he had also played soccer the tuesday before (the day, actually, that i posted) and got elbowed pretty good in the back. i think he casually mentioned this to me a few days later on thursday.
saturday (the day we had company) he decided to run most of his normal 6+mile route. except, this time, his back hurt him greatly, so he walked home.
didn't make a big deal of it (of course!) and proceeded to do ALL of the yardwork, including weeding & cutting the bushes (thus lots of bending)
... y'all, i had no idea he was going that far with the yard work, i swear!
sunday he ran again (with the burned fingers) & came home and said his back was super sore. all day long. yet, he insisted on playing with the bean in the pool..... holding her the whole time. in the deep end. swimming, holding her, & letting her balance by holding on to the diving board.
insisted!
sunday night he even got out of bed to get the bean when she needed to go potty. i was completely unaware, and quite annoyed when i found out later that i was not called upon to help.
in any case, 4:30 am rolls around and The Mr. (poor guy!) is in complete and utter pain. i'd never seen him like that before! not even when he got hit while riding his bike, and he has the "shark bite" gash in his leg to show for it.
i asked if he would please PLEASE go to a doctor afterall! he (finally) conceded. so i asked if we should go now. of course, his reply was "no"
that reply quickly changed not 10 minutes later when he had no choice.
i guess he preferred to go to the ER in style via a 911 call! we joke about it now, but no. that indeed was not funny- when he passed out! was the most horrendous 45 seconds of my life. (and possibly his?) and that includes one hellish labor story!
[i'd like to interrupt this drama by remarking how AMAZING amazing our 3yo little girl is! the girl who used to wake up when The Mr. walked upstairs slept through all of the yelling (pain), screaming (fear), panicked phone call, several trips downstairs to gather items, 5 big men coming upstairs in less-than-quiet fashion (including taking a cellphone call outside of her bedroom door!), walking The Mr. down & strapping him to a loud jostly gurney!!]
ok. so i guess i didn't interrupt the drama, but just spilled it all to you.
oh, and this all occured the day before taking our much anticipated, long awaited vacation.
golden!
so monday was spent shuttling back and forth & just general dealing with all that comes from a 911 call at 5am. we debated about the vacation, and ultimately decided to go.
sure, it changed some of our plans (like bike rides & hiking), but it would still be a vacation, which is the important part of the idea!
the vacation was not without it's own mini-chaos. we spent the first 1/2 worried about the condition of The Mr.'s back pain & the second 1/2 wondering about getting home. our flight was via JFK in NYC, which even though we had the foresight to cut our vacay a little short & go on an earlier flight, obv, that all changed when NYC shut down a day early.
i am so terribly sorry for the devastation that hurricane Irene caused in NC & New England! it is truly unbelievable to see all the flooding in VT & hear about all the power outages along the eastern seabord.
our vacation was actually spent in VT & we spent one night in Montreal. i kept the whole thing in stride, knowing that THIS problem wasn't really all that bad considering we weren't in the eye of the hurricane! (not yet anyway)
as we all know, the storm lessened after it gave NC a big beating. (my niece's college and apartment was pretty torn up in the whole event, though i haven't heard about all the actual damage). i figured if we can't get out Til Tuesday (hush hush) then we'd just have bonus vacation, and i would worry about being huddled scared in a hotel basement when it comes barreling to VT later.
of course, that's not how things ended up. once NYC shut down, we really figured that no, we couldn't just stay and hang out in a storm situation for extra days just for "fun". so we dealt with a lot of old PRTM majors trying to take us tourists back home. some were more helpful/understanding than others. it took both The Mr. & my bright ideas combined to ultimately decide that from montreal we were going to leave our luggage at the now over-booked hotel, drive back to VT to return our rental car (thanks a lot, "Thrafty"!), take their shuttle to the airport, hang out for a few hours, buy (what appeared to be the very last) 2 tickets on greyhound and go immediately BACK to canada to walk to get our luggage & take a taxi to the (incredibly awesome) marriott attached to the airport so we could fly out of montreal the next morning.
hindsight is great. because 3 of the 3 alternative flights we had booked in the course of all this were either canceled or delayed 3+ hours.
i kinda sound like a douche whining about this, when i know many people were actually affected by the hurricane! i know it was frustrating, but i'm very thankful that it was never horrifying. (not like the 45 seconds before all the vacation began!)
so, i guess my meds are holding up. i'm not sure what it would've changed if i hadn't been on them. but we dealt with what the most chaotic/dramatic week we'd experienced thusfar. but even in my most depressive days, i usually can keep things in perspective. i always recognize that many many people have things far worse off! & i can usually find something to be thankful about regarding my situation(s).
it always makes me feel so GD selfish for being "depressed" at all.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
an exception?
i can be fairly superstitious at times. not generally the "step on a crack" or 'umbrella open in the house' type, but the "don't say anything or you'll jinx it" type.
that jinxing it has proven true time and time again in the course of my life.
from complimented talents suddenly disappearing, to students in my classrooms losing their "great day" status.
i hope like hell, that this is an exception!
when i recapped the latest on Celexa last time, i presented that all was well. (it was!)
and now....
man, i'm so frustrated.
and at this moment (6am) i'm a little anxious about the day. not anxious in symptoms and shaking and panic, but anxious as in "what's it gonna be like" [it's currently 7am and i've been dealing with the bean for the past half hour.... so now i think i know what it's gonna be like]
in my last post, i mentioned that it generally takes a month or so to begin to feel effects of the meds. and my head is just racing "pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease don't let this be the effects i'm supposed to feel"
what i didn't mention was the last friday, inexplicably, i cried.
in my normal state of depression, crying is not terribly common, but sure- it's been known to happen. mostly out of strong feelings. a hard day with either The Mr. or the bean would certainly wear on me and tears would, at the very least, sting my eyes.
in a fit of anger, crying is a huge outlet. as is screaming. (the ugly cry we've heard of. but i have an ugly scream that goes along with it.)
friday night was different.
i just cried.
silent tears welled up. and it overtook me.
nothing strong. no sobbing.
my BFF said it was a "good cry".
she poses that it's just everything coming down at once with low-quality sleep and no breaks among other things.
made sense to me.
oh, and The Mr. was fantastic about the whole thing. it really came as a big surprise to both of us. nothing prompted such big raindrop tears. and i assure you, my head wasn't upset at the time at all.
and, i guess it was a good cry.
i know The Mr. made me feel comforted, and that was a very nice feeling.
i thought the crying was a fluke.
and maybe it was.
but yesterday was. not. good.
and i cried for the better part of the evening. until bean went to bed (hallelujah 7:30!) & i could just get the day out of my system. i vegged in front of a movie (which turned out to be a little depressing. woops).
i'm not sure what happened exactly.
the morning was good. we had a playdate & all was well.
until she kinda refused her rest-time. (this crazy girl has stopped napping.... doesn't help)
and from my going upstairs a zillion times in 30 mins, i ended it. with explicit instructions that THIS IS MY REST TIME TOO and to come downstairs, but leave me alone. (in a pleasant tone, of course!)
from there, she was constantly underfoot.
testing and pestering me. being particularly needy. clumsy, even.
it was just a hard and frustrating 1/2 day.
so i called The Mr. crying. (travel this week. prob'ly doesn't help matters)
ohmigod how awful i felt about that. i just didn't know what to do!
i wanted his opinion on if i should go ahead and up my dose or not.
he was suuuuuuuppper busy at work and had his own difficult day.
and for the life of me, i don't know WHY i can't just stop needing him during those times.
talk about being particularly needy!
that kind of shit is one thing that annoys the hell out of me.
it's a cycle i don't know how to break.
i get depressed.....i need him (too much. inopportune times. annoying)...... which makes me more depressed.
he was great, don't misread that. he didn't see it like that at all.
it didn't help matters that i had written a semi-good/semi-important email to him just yesterday morning. so i felt like i ruined any good of that.
again, he says he didn't see it like that.
and ohmigosh just like that i have to leave this with thoughts somewhat not wrapped-up, as the bean is not having a good morning, and i must brace myself for the day ahead.....
.......
that jinxing it has proven true time and time again in the course of my life.
from complimented talents suddenly disappearing, to students in my classrooms losing their "great day" status.
i hope like hell, that this is an exception!
when i recapped the latest on Celexa last time, i presented that all was well. (it was!)
and now....
man, i'm so frustrated.
and at this moment (6am) i'm a little anxious about the day. not anxious in symptoms and shaking and panic, but anxious as in "what's it gonna be like" [it's currently 7am and i've been dealing with the bean for the past half hour.... so now i think i know what it's gonna be like]
in my last post, i mentioned that it generally takes a month or so to begin to feel effects of the meds. and my head is just racing "pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease don't let this be the effects i'm supposed to feel"
what i didn't mention was the last friday, inexplicably, i cried.
in my normal state of depression, crying is not terribly common, but sure- it's been known to happen. mostly out of strong feelings. a hard day with either The Mr. or the bean would certainly wear on me and tears would, at the very least, sting my eyes.
in a fit of anger, crying is a huge outlet. as is screaming. (the ugly cry we've heard of. but i have an ugly scream that goes along with it.)
friday night was different.
i just cried.
silent tears welled up. and it overtook me.
nothing strong. no sobbing.
my BFF said it was a "good cry".
she poses that it's just everything coming down at once with low-quality sleep and no breaks among other things.
made sense to me.
oh, and The Mr. was fantastic about the whole thing. it really came as a big surprise to both of us. nothing prompted such big raindrop tears. and i assure you, my head wasn't upset at the time at all.
and, i guess it was a good cry.
i know The Mr. made me feel comforted, and that was a very nice feeling.
i thought the crying was a fluke.
and maybe it was.
but yesterday was. not. good.
and i cried for the better part of the evening. until bean went to bed (hallelujah 7:30!) & i could just get the day out of my system. i vegged in front of a movie (which turned out to be a little depressing. woops).
i'm not sure what happened exactly.
the morning was good. we had a playdate & all was well.
until she kinda refused her rest-time. (this crazy girl has stopped napping.... doesn't help)
and from my going upstairs a zillion times in 30 mins, i ended it. with explicit instructions that THIS IS MY REST TIME TOO and to come downstairs, but leave me alone. (in a pleasant tone, of course!)
from there, she was constantly underfoot.
testing and pestering me. being particularly needy. clumsy, even.
it was just a hard and frustrating 1/2 day.
so i called The Mr. crying. (travel this week. prob'ly doesn't help matters)
ohmigod how awful i felt about that. i just didn't know what to do!
i wanted his opinion on if i should go ahead and up my dose or not.
he was suuuuuuuppper busy at work and had his own difficult day.
and for the life of me, i don't know WHY i can't just stop needing him during those times.
talk about being particularly needy!
that kind of shit is one thing that annoys the hell out of me.
it's a cycle i don't know how to break.
i get depressed.....i need him (too much. inopportune times. annoying)...... which makes me more depressed.
he was great, don't misread that. he didn't see it like that at all.
it didn't help matters that i had written a semi-good/semi-important email to him just yesterday morning. so i felt like i ruined any good of that.
again, he says he didn't see it like that.
and ohmigosh just like that i have to leave this with thoughts somewhat not wrapped-up, as the bean is not having a good morning, and i must brace myself for the day ahead.....
.......
Sunday, August 7, 2011
a month plus
it's been a little over a month; and i guess that's about the time where many people start to feel the effects of their medicines for depression. am i just begrudging everything myself? because i am still very non-commital to how this is affecting me.
the past week or so have been good/fine. again- things in my life vs. meds, it's really hard to tell. last week i had both therapy & my dr. appt to discuss celexa, and to both of them, i explained pretty much everything i've been saying here- that it's hard for me to know.
i've ALWAYS been so up & down at different times with no pattern to be seen. and right now, i'm definitely up. but then, as i've mentioned, i've lost weight & kept it off. The Mr. is showing kindness & affections, and i've planned quite a few excursions for myself/our family. (in fact, i recently got back from visiting my BFF in charleston!) the hour massage i had today didn't hurt my mood, either.
my doc wanted to know if i should up the dosage, but we agreed that since i'm not feeling bad with the meds, and life is OK for now, i should just keep on keepin' on. but i will call her if i slip into another bad week & then i'll be told to have 1.5 pills each day.
i will say that my side effects i've basically forgotten about. so either the meds have made me accustomed to them, or they were my normal side effects from depression. (i mentioned at the start of all this that my insomnia-related problems began a few weeks before the medicine began)
maybe drowsiness has increased. The Mr. worked from home every day last week except for monday. he so wonderfully & graciously allowed me to sleep in til 8:30! (Thanks, bean for sleeping in, too) yesterday i was suuuuupppper lazy. and had a wonderful nap listening to a wonderful summer storm.
libido has been appropriate. there when it should be. there's been a lot of "moot point" days.
insomnia has been better. for the past week & 1/2, i have been able to get back to sleep, even after getting the bean & taking her to the bathroom.
so, does celexa work for me?
for now, i guess so. at least, it doesn't hurt.
i just know that i don't wanna go back and forth trying a buncha different medications. this will probably be my one good shot.
the past week or so have been good/fine. again- things in my life vs. meds, it's really hard to tell. last week i had both therapy & my dr. appt to discuss celexa, and to both of them, i explained pretty much everything i've been saying here- that it's hard for me to know.
i've ALWAYS been so up & down at different times with no pattern to be seen. and right now, i'm definitely up. but then, as i've mentioned, i've lost weight & kept it off. The Mr. is showing kindness & affections, and i've planned quite a few excursions for myself/our family. (in fact, i recently got back from visiting my BFF in charleston!) the hour massage i had today didn't hurt my mood, either.
my doc wanted to know if i should up the dosage, but we agreed that since i'm not feeling bad with the meds, and life is OK for now, i should just keep on keepin' on. but i will call her if i slip into another bad week & then i'll be told to have 1.5 pills each day.
i will say that my side effects i've basically forgotten about. so either the meds have made me accustomed to them, or they were my normal side effects from depression. (i mentioned at the start of all this that my insomnia-related problems began a few weeks before the medicine began)
maybe drowsiness has increased. The Mr. worked from home every day last week except for monday. he so wonderfully & graciously allowed me to sleep in til 8:30! (Thanks, bean for sleeping in, too) yesterday i was suuuuupppper lazy. and had a wonderful nap listening to a wonderful summer storm.
libido has been appropriate. there when it should be. there's been a lot of "moot point" days.
insomnia has been better. for the past week & 1/2, i have been able to get back to sleep, even after getting the bean & taking her to the bathroom.
so, does celexa work for me?
for now, i guess so. at least, it doesn't hurt.
i just know that i don't wanna go back and forth trying a buncha different medications. this will probably be my one good shot.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
new symptom?
it is way too early in the AM for me to be blogging about Celexa!
i am not sure if i have stumbled upon a new symptom or not, but this has happened twice now in the past week or 2; what i can only describe as 'being aware of my heartbeat'.
oh, and by the way, i'm like queen of oddball symptoms that lead to nothing.
i'll get strange sensations/pains in strange places sometimes that go away without any further cause for worry. some research thinks that's part of depression.
i have no idea.
this is akin to having your heart race. only, the first time it happened recently, i woke The Mr. to ask him if my heart was indeed racing. he used the only stethoscope that he has available to him at 3am and put his ear to my chest. (not as sexy as that sounds- ha)
then he drummed for me what he could hear. and it all seemed just perfectly fine.
one might suggest that it's anxiety.
however, i assume (and believe w/ any anxiety i've had in the past) that anxiety usually comes with angst.
the first time it happened, there was no real catalyst that i figured that night.
tonight it began with yiminy (our cat). i woke up to hearing doh (our other cat) growling & cowering b/c yim was pinning her down.
anytime i'm startled awake, i feel my heart race. isn't that adrenaline?
however, even 1/2 hour later it didn't subside. usually it would have by now.
there is no pain involved. and truly no angst. i'm thinking no thoughts i don't normally think sometimes. thoughts i shouldn't, stupid memories, things to do.
and though that may seem like anxiety, in the past when i've felt anxious, there was an underlying reason or a bigger feel of panic. my mind truly isn't the cause right now.
the only "cure" i've used these 2 times have been to sit upright & read or blog to take my mind off of it. purge whatever thoughts and wait for sleep to come back to me.
The Mr. will not be happy when he reads this. but i didn't want to call... there's nothing to be done.
i'll mention it to my doctor and know that like most of my oddball things in the past, nothing will come of it.
as long as i'm here:
insomnia- well, i didn't try very long so i won't tip the scale, but i'll call this one a 4.
dry mouth- 3
libido- moot
nausea- 1
drowsiness- 1.5, though of course tomorrow that will rise.
the good news: my heart has returned to normal.
the bad news: i just took a 7 minute break dealing with a 3yo potty break (yay for her!)
so now that i've been vertical and mumbly-vocal, my insomnia will not pass so easily.
i am not sure if i have stumbled upon a new symptom or not, but this has happened twice now in the past week or 2; what i can only describe as 'being aware of my heartbeat'.
oh, and by the way, i'm like queen of oddball symptoms that lead to nothing.
i'll get strange sensations/pains in strange places sometimes that go away without any further cause for worry. some research thinks that's part of depression.
i have no idea.
this is akin to having your heart race. only, the first time it happened recently, i woke The Mr. to ask him if my heart was indeed racing. he used the only stethoscope that he has available to him at 3am and put his ear to my chest. (not as sexy as that sounds- ha)
then he drummed for me what he could hear. and it all seemed just perfectly fine.
one might suggest that it's anxiety.
however, i assume (and believe w/ any anxiety i've had in the past) that anxiety usually comes with angst.
the first time it happened, there was no real catalyst that i figured that night.
tonight it began with yiminy (our cat). i woke up to hearing doh (our other cat) growling & cowering b/c yim was pinning her down.
anytime i'm startled awake, i feel my heart race. isn't that adrenaline?
however, even 1/2 hour later it didn't subside. usually it would have by now.
there is no pain involved. and truly no angst. i'm thinking no thoughts i don't normally think sometimes. thoughts i shouldn't, stupid memories, things to do.
and though that may seem like anxiety, in the past when i've felt anxious, there was an underlying reason or a bigger feel of panic. my mind truly isn't the cause right now.
the only "cure" i've used these 2 times have been to sit upright & read or blog to take my mind off of it. purge whatever thoughts and wait for sleep to come back to me.
The Mr. will not be happy when he reads this. but i didn't want to call... there's nothing to be done.
i'll mention it to my doctor and know that like most of my oddball things in the past, nothing will come of it.
as long as i'm here:
insomnia- well, i didn't try very long so i won't tip the scale, but i'll call this one a 4.
dry mouth- 3
libido- moot
nausea- 1
drowsiness- 1.5, though of course tomorrow that will rise.
the good news: my heart has returned to normal.
the bad news: i just took a 7 minute break dealing with a 3yo potty break (yay for her!)
so now that i've been vertical and mumbly-vocal, my insomnia will not pass so easily.
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