surreality

a few surreal things have occurred recently.  in no particular order of importance:

The Mr. will miss our 12th wedding anniversary because he is exactly where he was a year ago when he missed our 11th anniversary. [ obviously, no, i didn't come with.]i am constantly being challenged with the concept of the time change.  it's fun to share with The Bean, too.  we get a kick out of knowing that we wake up when he goes to sleep.
However, time really does seem warped to know that he sent me an anniversary card from the airport when he left.  it came to me as he landed.
it makes sense since his travel day was pretty much 24hrs, but when you put it that way, it just felt pretty surreal.

********

this morning, The Bean asked me if we ever went to Callaway Gardens.  I told her we went when she was a baby.  so after breakfast, i pulled up her blog & showed her a few of the pix I had posted.  which led to a couple of other posts.  which led to me just randomizing my blog...  she was pretty captivated and she captivated me by reading my words back to me.

that's surreal enough- but another great thing-  she gets my humor! 

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 i have been having lots of deep dreams again, lately.  this is nothing new to me.  whether it is brought about because of (yet another) medication i really can't tell.  what i do know is these are surreal, yes, but not as evil or dark or scary as some of mine can be (medicated or not)

********

 i am currently typing this while watching the Ohio State, Virginia Tech game.  surreal that i care a damn about football that's not even Clemson.  surreal that VT is up by 2 TD's after OSU missed not one but 2 field goal attempts.  the fact that I even know that is surreal is surreal in itself.

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unfortunately there is some surreal shit going on in my family that is not at all what would be expected (even from my crazy family).    it's life-changing.  and not the good kind.

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The Bean has had more bouts of odd coincidences.   (The Mr. calls them coincidences.  i'm not sure how to explain them).  

she pretended some squirrels were named Coleman and Lillianna.  Two names that I know in my life; neither of which are amazingly important- but those are not names we know of in her little 6 year old world.  Neither one of them are particularly common.  And who names squirrels anyway??

Also surreal?  she said to me that 90 is old and she doesn't want to be old.  She only wants to be 40.  anyone who knows me knows that is amazing.  and what 6 year old thinks like that.  At breakfast. when we were not talking about birthdays or ages or old or anything that could have led her to this statement.

and lastly?  she spoke in such a way that I seriously had to consider if something is ESP if your own mind is blank.  I will be posting that story on her blog next.....

tis the season

so as much as i've wanted to un-neglect my blog, it's been a little busy these past few days/weeks with christmas prep.

shopping was done, volunteering at the school, room-momming, the bean was in her holiday recital.  she got sick.  The Mr. is battling "this little girl cold", the in-laws are here (again; as they came for the recital just last week) & i've been hostessing, baking, eating, baking, The Mr. has been cleaning! and i've been baking.  intermixed with some game-playing with my little brother (in-law).

overall, things are good.
nothing more than the usual holiday stress (fun kind) right now; with the sick stress rolled in.  that's made things slightly less pleasant; but there's not a pill i can take for that.

i'm really excited to see the bean's face when she sees what Santa brought her.  i'm looking forward to stealing my F-I-L's ipad for candy crushing trying to relax in between the rest of the cooking prep & holiday fun.  and, because the wonderful people in movie-land have been so kind enough to keep Frozen on the big screen right now, we *may* re-instate The Mr.'s family tradition of going to a movie on xmas!  it will be the bean's first experience in a real movie theater.  that will be fun!

okay. back to my breakfast prep.
i hope your holidays are enjoyable & safe!
see you next year!!

(The Mr. & i are going to have a small R&R time right after the holiday, too!  so much to look forward to!)

AAAAAHHHH FALL!

so november started out with a bang.

november 1st i went for a run with The Mr. for the first time in 10 months or more.
i struggled up the little hill out of my neighborhood.
then, i fell.

truly.
on my face.
it was awfully painful, embarrassing & ridiculous.

nothing was there to make me fall.  i didn't trip over anything.  The Mr. has seen me fall on quite a few occasions in our life.  usually i just skin my knee really bad & rip my jeans or something.

i broke a front tooth in half (beautiful). chipped the other front tooth, and for good measure cracked the 3rd tooth. i had a fat lip, i scraped the heck out of my palm & got GIANT road burn on my knee.  bruised the other knee.

i was in pain for a week.

i came home from the dentist all "nice & fixed" 2 hours from when it all started.  so that was good.  The Mr. was with me, so that was excellent.

my tooth still doesn't feel exactly normal, but i'm able to manage eating.  (biting into things is still causing odd feelings).  and my knee has finally stopped hurting and i was able to get up and down stairs last week.

so today i ran again.
and according to Nike + i logged my 100th mile (exactly).  and i didn't fall!

*******************************************************

and november didn't start off well for my brother and his wife, who have spent the better part of the month with their daughter in ICU.  things were looking dire there for a bit.
i think (??) the worst fear is over, and she needs to continue to heal. (still in the ICU)

*******************************************************

we spent some time in the mountains last weekend, so that was nice.
the bean's 20+minute loud as hell tantrum in the orchard was not so nice. 

why is it the "best" tantrums are for no reason at all?

the waterfalls we hiked & drove to were nice.  the leaves were mostly pretty (tho' in the NC mountains, they were probably 3/4 already fallen).  and hanging out with The Mr.'s parents was nice.

*******************************************************

we are looking forward to the thanksgiving holidays.  it will be a very long weekend filled with family time, relaxing time, yummy food time, football time, and hopefully injury-free/hospital-free time. 

i hope your fall is going well, and you're not being literal with the term as i had been!

happy holidays

been okay

just a quick FYI, since writing the last post, i've had no more crying jags.
i know i had felt a little sullen a few times, but that was it.
i guess i wouldn't up my dose for that little bit.

the bean was fine on that day, actually. she woke up too early, but woke up happy. and played contentedly for a loooonnnnnnggggg time & let me rest/doze on the couch. that helped me a lot. and the afternoon went better than i would have expected.

it was nice when The Mr. came home. it felt comforting. (and that, is a great feeling!)
the weekend went by pretty quickly (thus no update... sorry i left ya hangin) and we went to visit some of my giant family.
actually, that was the first time we'd seen them in more than a year & a half, and the bean handled the large crowd very well. that was great!

The Mr. was great at soothing her & getting her to sleep in the hotel. this was the first time we stayed in one where she wasn't in a portacrib. and she's becoming more & more sensitive to sounds/fear. she didn't really like being in her own part of the suite at first. but all went well.

so hooray.
i have therapy today.
right now i feel a little muddled- but i know once i get started, things will be fine.

thanks for checking in.

96 & 97 explained

i thought it might be fun to expound on some of my list of 100. (who am i kidding? i need some ideas)
so, #96 & 97 go somewhat hand-in-hand:

The Mr. & i are about to celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary. we got married in my hometown- columbia, SC, home of the Gamecocks. it happened to be a BIG game weekend. at "home". which seriously pissed off a sister of mine. and caused a ruckus among others. traditionally, the USC/UGA game is pretty big. always competitive. and that was the weekend we had the audacity to get married.

silly us, we consulted our calendars & our ideas of when a nice wedding could be. we took advantage of the brand-new calendar my school system adopted for that year which gave us a week off in september. [incidentally, of the times of year we were looking at marrying, the summer was NOT one of them. i was adamant that my profession shouldn't dictate when i should get married... especially b/c i HATE to be hot. c'mon--- summer wedding in the south? yikes!]
we did not look into local sporting schedules.

had we done that, i bet more of my family would've enjoyed our wedding reception for what it was. and not sat in the hotel bar (with our free booze, i will add) watching carolina play georgia on tv. [i'm not sure... but i think GA won that year. i never really wanted to keep up with knowing. guess i coulda asked my friend who wore his damn earphones during the reception]

had we consulted the carolina home schedule, some of my family members would've been more concerned at the torrential downpour that was occuring (and ruining our plans for post-pictures) in regards to the new bride & groom---instead of how the stadium lost power for a time! oh no! what now??

if we put any thought into football instead of our wedding, i might not have had to defend my song choice to my sister when she came ranting to me (the only time i think we even talked at the reception at all) because we had the NERVE to have the band play "georgia on my mind"... she demanded to know why i would choose such a song! i reminded her that The Mr. & i have now made our home IN GEORGIA. she looked at me, a little dumbstruck and said "huh. oh, ok. that makes sense. i thought you were doing it because of the game". to which i replied (also a little dumbstruck) "nooooo. not everything revolves around football." then i heard her scoff.

if The Mr. & i only wanted to get married some other season, the same crazy sister might not have been featured on the front page of The State newspaper (sunday edition, no doubt!). this was back in the day when Lou Holtz was coaching. apparently, he held some football clinic for women. and of course my sis went. there was a Q&A session, and the reporter thought it'd be great to feature this as front page news...
my sis was in a discussion w/ lou holtz as to why she shouldn't have to be at our wedding. lou made a joke and said it was his understanding only the bride & groom need attend. and she responded how she'd be sure to miss the bouquet toss.
hahahahaha........
thanks, sis.
-----oh, and what burns me up even more??? i was never mentioned by name. so anyone reading that had no idea that a-i was getting married & b- my sister was a putz.

if we had decided to marry some other time, our going-away might have been more traditional. you know, wishing the bride & groom well. maybe make a lude comment or 2 in jest. decorate the car with words that didn't say: "go cocks! UGA sucks". or maybe i could've gotten in the car with my new husband and not witnessed the skirmish between crazy sister & some randomass drunk georgia fan as they are fighting for the window pen. i'm pretty sure some dude wrote something on the car before we could get a chance to drive off.

so, this weekend marks the 7th anniversary of that game!
to which i would like to conclude with:

GO DAWGS!!!

sweet memory for someone else

a while back, i wrote that i had never flown a kite. very soon after that, i mentioned that The Mr. (how cool is he!?) bought me a kite for my birthday.

and i haven't spoken a word about the kite since.

i'm only bringing it up now because last week, when i was taking littlegirl for a walk down the street, 2 little kids (prob'ly 3 yrs old) were playing in their yard with their dads. one of the dads was trying to wind the string on a Dora kite they were about to launch. the little girl yelled at me so giddily that this is her kite. & that's Dora! (in case i didn't know). the little boy promptly had to tell me that his kite was Thomas. you know, lest i think he was into Dora. plus, for whatever reason, he didn't have his there. so i needed to know that he, too, had a kite he was super proud of.

it looked like such a sweet memory. if the children won't remember then i bet the fathers will. it's probably not one of the memories they will be sure to pass along & talk about every so often. it's one of the memories that you just tuck into your brain. it gets buried beneath the checklist of all the things you need to do that day/week/month. it gets buried beneath the important memories of wedding days and those babies being born. but it's tucked in safe & snug. being a part of the million tiny day-to-day memories you create to remind yourself of being happy.

of course, it made me feel nostalgic. wait- can you feel nostalgic of something that's never happened to you? can you feel nostalgic of something that may happen in the future? ok, i guess it made me feel wistful. i just know that littlegirl will likely have a memory such as that one, and hopefully many more. i know The Mr. & i will try to enjoy these "normal" days of childhood with her. i'm sure we will both have fun ourselves as we watch her explore her world. with a kite, on a bike, in a park---wherever. & hopefully she can create memories that she can share in the future.

so, whatever happened to my kite? such a pretty aqua-marine-blue w/ a gorgeous magenta tail?
sadly, we never flew it. to The Mr.'s credit, he tried.
but if you've read the post about when we rode bikes together, then you know he had his work cut out for him.
in my defense, i was actually pregnant when we took it out one windy saturday afternoon.
so we can blame the hormones. (the one time i think the hormones affected me just so)

for whatever reason i got upset b/c he saw a perfectly good windy day, spent the time in the backyard putting the kite together, and wanted to show me how to get it off the ground.
it just didn't work out. but i still have the kite. it's collecting dust. maybe this spring would be a great time for us to spark a memory.

for me.

hypocritical oath

recently we had the littlebean baptized.

this is one of the occasions in motherhood i knew for certain that we would be partaking in.
but, unlike the hippocratic oath that doctors take partaining to ethics in their field, i feel quite conflicted due to this hypocritical oath that i took promising to teach my child about jesus & the catholic church.

how ironic is it that i am the only one (of 13) in my family to date & then marry a "catholic". so this shoulda been quite simple.
however, things change, and i guess we're not near as catholic as we used to be. that's why i'm 30something having my first child.
ohmigod, i think my mom had 10 at this age!

since i don't make any official standings in what i believe or don't believe, what i do know is this: nothing!
i don't really think about it a lot b/c it's just too heavy/too much/too muddled. and i just don't feel comfortable having the bean grow up without any religion at all.

i have to start somewhere.
let the hypocrisy begin....

status symbol?

in catching up on some of my blog reading, i came across this one about feminism from pregnantly plump. [for some reason, i can't get the link to pull up; my apologies. it's titled: setting back feminism from aug. 31st] which prompted me to decide to write about this:

the other day, i was talking to a friend who called to see if she could come over to meet the bean. while we were talking & catching up, she had asked when i was returning to work. when i mentioned that i wasn't, she said something puzzling.

to be fair, i'm not saying this is her view, or if she truly just "heard" about this---she may've tried to be subtle, but i really couldn't tell. all i know is i've heard about the "feminism debate"; but i hadn't heard this take:

apparently, being a stay-at-home-mom is supposedly some new status symbol. when i asked what she meant, thinking she'd say that it's looked upon as a "noble" choice or "toughest job ever" & all that jazz, i was taken aback at the answer. apparently this status symbol is for The Mr. & how it says a lot that the husband can make so much money that a wife can stay home.

i ask you now: wtf??

ummm, let's re-word that.
how bout it says a lot that a couple can plan and prepare for years to make this choice b/c it's how they view themselves as raising a baby.
let's try: it's a status symbol that 2 working adults can sock away some money if needed in the future.
how bout it measures how smart they are for planning ahead in order to realize the idea.
how bout it says a lot that people will make sacrifices by scrimping when they go from 2 salaries to 1 if it's important to them.

now if i tell you that i am staying home & the maid comes every wednesday, except whilst we're in our vacation home in fiji--- wellthen!

things they don't tell you

now that the little bean is 5+ weeks old, The Mr. and I have discovered that they don't tell you everything. they also like to tell you how everything will be easier... in a few months.

yes, guys. what's a few months when it comes to your sanity?

we have a fussy baby on our hands. that's not quite what we ordered; especially since we never got to recover from the horror that was called labor.

i've been saying over at the other blog how things haven't been at all what we've expected... guess i shouldn't be surprised here.

we knew babies cried. for no reason.

we also knew some babies cried a lot. for no reason.

we did not know that this baby would cry almost non-stop for the better part of a whole day. truthfully, they are right: it is getting better.

but the trade off is holding her and rocking,walking,dancing,swaying,bouncing,jostling all the time.

do not sit down and give your aching arms/back/neck a break. this cute little porker weighs ~12lbs!! oh, & do not think for a minute that she is truly asleep. for when you put her down, all hell breaks loose and you have to begin the cycle all over again!

she's quiet when she's eating. there's that. oh yeah, only sometimes she's not.

she squirms and pushes and shoves and throws her hands all over, interfering w/ eating. i never thought a newborn would play w/ her food at this early age!

i also never thought a newborn would be nearly as active as she is.... they don't really tell you that your baby may not like to be swaddled. therefore, if she sleeps on her back, she wakes herself up. immediately. and LOUDLY.

so, don't tell the AAP, but she sleeps on her stomach. and already is learning the beginnings of how to crawl she's so active.

they don't mention the fact that she can & will scream so loudly and forcefully she loses her voice & breath. they also don't mention how to get through that part.

they do tell you to try the swing. the bouncy seat. the dryer. the car.

none work at relaxing a sleepy baby. tho' the bouncy seat can keep her occupied long enough to scarf down some food (usually).

they like to mention that "every baby is different". that's the cover for: we-don't-know-what-the-hell-to-tell-you. and: thank-god-my-kid-was-an-angel.

all the books like to tell you that it's very, very important that your newborn gets enough rest in order to develop well. they don't tell you what to do w/ an overtired baby that doesn't know how to go from wake to sleep w/o lots of effort... it takes about the same amount of coddling until the next feed cycle starts.

god, it's a good thing she's cute!

great parenting

don't get me wrong. i had a great mom!!! i miss her dearly. especially these days when i'm about to become one.
of course i have no idea what i'm facing w/ a 1day old, much less a 6 year old.
but somehow, i think this actual conversation might should've gone a different way:

me- Laur? how do you get puppies?
L- same way you get people.
(blink, blink) how do you get people?
um... do you know what a boy has?
yes??
know what a girl has?
(fear sets in) yes
???well,???
(terror).....they touch???
yes.
NUH-UH, LAUR. YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO BE NASTY!!!! i'm telling!!! mommy and daddy wouldn't do that. MEG wouldn't do that!!!
................... mom comes to do laundry. it's probly 10 at night.
L- no i'm not. ask mom.
mom- ask mom what??
L- mom, tell m how you get a baby.
...............(silence ensues).................................
mom- shuttup and get to sleep!

decisions decisions

The Mr. & i have been together for 13 years.
it was about 4 years in that i contemplated all these thoughts about not having any kids. (parts 1-3 below)

we moved in together w/ this uncertainty.
we got engaged w/ this uncertainty. assuming it's a "no" but who knows down the road? we got married. same deal.
i still can't believe he was OK w/ all this.

and i can't believe how badly i felt about it. i'm slightly obsessive in that if i don't feel definitive about something, i think it to death. i'm sorta a planner. so no surprise soon after we were married, i developed my YES/NO list that as i thought of something, i put things down in the proper column.

and even tho (to this day) the NO column has more items in it than the yes, i finally thought differently about how i was thinking.
it wasn't a count of items, so much as the weight of the items.
and when it came right down to it, The Mr. wanting a kid outweighed some of my items. knowing i wanted to watch him become a father outweighed some of my items. knowing all that he sacrifices for us, and takes care of in order to make our (my) life so much easier.... that outweighed a lot of my items.

so i contemplated maybe being a mom.
being a teacher for so long...... that's good incentive to not have a kid! i did always know that i couldn't do both. i came home so aggravated & tired, i knew i couldn't deal w/ a newborn. nor a 1st grader. nor a teen!

so once i started thinking about how to make it work, i just had to convince myself that it could work for me.

it's taken me about 4 years to get to the point that i could seriously consider it. but 2 years ago, i told The Mr. in hawaii that this is indeed something we could explore.

instead of being "no way!" i started to be "maybe" & the more i thought of him being a dad. and how much i knew he must've wanted it. and knowing all that he does for me/us all the time, it was a difficult, but well-thought-out decision.

i'm glad i went through this decision process.
i've always been a big fan (still am) of adopting.
i've always thought it would mean more to me to choose a kid instead of just having one b/c i was "s'posed to". i feel now that i have indeed chosen. and i'm prepared (ok, is anyone REALLY prepared?) to have a child of our own. girl or boy. good times & bad. i know it will be tough. but i know i have a wonderful support in The Mr. and this isn't something i'm doing. we're pregnant. not just me.

and that makes me feel very happy!

thank you for being a part of this saga. i think i would've done better had i written it all down the same day.

2 be or not...

................ on to continue the story (part 1 here)

i remember when it finally dawned on me that, you know what? i don't HAVE to have kids. do i even WANT them? i didn't know!!!! i mean, it was just what was next is all. i never thought of it before. that didn't matter.

i didn't know what it felt like to want to be a mom. when you live your life assuming you'll be a mom w/o question, you don't even stop to think or feel.

one night, i came to the conclusion that maybe- just maybe- i didn't want to have kids. who said you had to? not every woman is destined to be a good mom.

just b/c i have ovaries and a uterus and bleed every month doesn't mean i'll be nurturing and loving and responsible. oh, sure- i'm a responsible person! like, i know not to leave a kid near a stove unattendend. but responsible to raise it with values and decency--- what if i couldn't raise a kid to be like me? what if it was like one of my brothers????

that was one thing that started me on my thinking.

all 13 of us have the same parents. same catholic upbringing. sure, by the time they got to ricky & me, they may have been a little less inclined to care, er i mean overprotect us. (actually, my parents aren't the "overprotecting personality" type but i'm sure there was a little more leniency). i remember one of my sisters getting more upset than is normal b/c we were allowed to have TWO. BOWLS. OF. GOOD. CEREAL! ---as a kid, we could have one sweet and one boring. (like 1 Life, 1 corn flakes)--- um, it was just ricky & me in the house. we were in high school. i digress....

so how can that be??? same parents. w/ the same ideals. 13 very different kids! especially when it came to my law-breaking good-for-not-much brothers.

what if i couldn't control that???? what if my kid was just like them?????

out of my 6 brothers, 100% have spent at least one night in jail on more than one occasion for DUI. i'm fairly certain that 75-100% have tried drugs, if not regularly. one brother sold pot!!! 50% went to college, none obtaining a "career". and 1 of them i never knew. i had met him, but the last time i saw him i was 7. (he didn't come back to our family until i was about to graduate college....)

now... i know that you can be successful w/o a college degree/career. i know that college isn't for everyone (clearly). i know that mechanics are just as worthy and good people as MBAs and MDs are. but in college, at the beginning of my questioning things, this is what i came to. did i want to take that chance????

aaannnnnnnd just so you know my 6 sisters weren't exactly angels.

i just wasn't sure i wanted to take that on. am i perfect? heck no. my bros & sis think i'm not "normal" b/c i don't do all they partying and rebelling that apparently they did. but i've enjoyed myself. i did decently in school & was normal in college (when was the first time YOU realized you could CUT a class!!!! woohoo!)

i just have my ideas and they have theirs.....

did i want a kid to be just like me? hell no! i have too many issues. and so do they.

so why oh why did i think i should be a mom?

i didn't.

and telling The Mr. was the hardest thing for me...............

while we're on the subject

i didn't want to post this on littlebean's blog b/c my family doesn't know of my struggle .

if you know me, or have read my blog, then you know i'm the youngest of 13 kids.
that has a lot to do w/ my decision to not have kids. i remember once breaking my mom's heart... i was going into the 8th grade, and she took me to register at a new school. of course in all the paperwork, you always have to list brothers & sisters. so, when the secretary saw my lineage, she was amazed & quickly asked "how do you like it?" well, unfortunately for mom, i quickly responded. "i don't"
ooooooooohhhh that's gotta hurt!

& i really didn't mean anything by it. to me, it was just no big deal. i mean, that was my life. and since i'm the youngest, it was the only life i'd ever known. we never talked about it (that i remember) but i know she was hurt.

ask mommy & daddy how many kids they always wanted, and their response was something like "however many God will give us"....
my family is catholic. and from the north (which, for some reason it seemed a little more accepted to have a bazillion kids.... guess b/c there are tons o' catholics up north as opposed to down south). anyway- i digress.
that's just how it was. you didn't plan and prepare and wish and hope. you just did the deed and saw what happened. then it was "easy" to raise 1, 4, 9, 13 kids. b/c that's just how it was.

when asked how many kids i wanted (why, by the way, is it always assumed? as a kid, you're not asked if. you're asked how many....) i always responded- loudly- "NOT 13!"
but of course, i'd meet a guy, get married & have kids. i guess i always knew i'd have more than one. b/c an only child??? how sad! and i didn't want 3. b/c a middle child??? how sad! so it was pretty much down to 2 kids or 4. hey, i know! give me twins... let it be done.

i went to college. i began to question some things. like why/how my parents could even have that many. how did it work out (i STILL don't know!!!), if it was a good idea. i questioned religion. i did what a lot of college kids do. i just questioned. out of true curiosity. not rebellion. not angst.

it was a long time of pondering.
The Mr. & i had already begun dating in the midst of this. even when we first got together, i was super excited b/c he was catholic. !! and how none of my family ever dated, let alone married a catholic. unheard of down south! (he's from the north)
so at the beginning of us, we fell in love. and of course, we both wanted kids.

and then----i didn't......

.....................

life changing

here are 13 lil' ol' letters that can change your life:

1. O
2. M
3. G
4. I
5. M
6. P
7. R
8. E
9. G
10. N
11. A
12. N
13. T

!!!! more to come.....

memmmmries....

some of my fondest christmas memories/likes are:

1. the anticipation of santa & excitement. (to this day!)
2. waking up oh so early on xmas morning as a kid and crowding on LJ's bed (by the window) after getting billy & ricky to join us and being excited to go wake up mom & dad.
3. seems like every year someone would tell me that santa can come back and take it all back if i'm not good. i think my window of opportunity left once we could go downstairs!
4. the 4 of us (and sometimes kenny) lining up on the stairs and bumping our way to mom & dad's room
5. seeing the tree & mantle on xmas morning (to this day!!!) all the lights, filled stockings, pretty wrappings.
6. as a kid, for a bit, all our presents were in piles. yes- 13 piles around the tree. we each opened our piles one by one.
7. singing xmas carols at church on xmas eve.
8. cookies & eggnog. (yum). i hope i can find mom's recipes when i go back this year
9. in 10th grade, i got to be santa. that's when i unexpectedly opened my clarinet last. wow.
10. watching xmas movies (to this day)
11. wrapping & unwrapping each item in the stocking (a la my mom.... for 13 stockings. not one thing was left unwrapped)
12. seeing a mantle that could fit 13 stockings, and all of our baby picture ornaments with them. each year, it was so fun to look at. and hearing dad proclaim he bought the house b/c of the mantle.
13. being w/ loved ones and sharing traditions.

what's in a name?

would i have been just as sweet?............

after starting a comment over after reading this post, i thought:
sure! i had nothing to write about today... i'll go ahead and continue my story.

the post was about what we would've been named, had we been the other sex. also if anyone regrets their child's name, or if anyone used the same "name pool" for the second (+) children.

so i began by saying had i been a boy, i would've been christopher michael.
growing up i loved that name. now i realize how little fanfare there was in the 70's regarding naming children than present day.
i still love the classic-ness of that name, though & was convinced as a child i would have twins- a boy and a girl. i would name them christopher michael, and kristin michelle. ha!
well, i don't have twins, and i grew up.

i have more to say about naming, though. (me? more to say?? surely you jest!)

according to my sis' legend, i was going to be kelly, until i was born and she convinced my dad to name me michelle. (not sure if that had anything to do w/ michael or not). i'm glad.

and even still, i was intended to be michele (which i do NOT prefer!). i spent my whole year of kindergarten declaring "no! it's one L". for some reason, my mom needed my birth certificate for first grade. we happened to notice, 5 years too late, that my name was indeed michelle. apparently, they mispelled it on the birth certificate. sooooooooo i had to change my own name, and recorrect teachers who had learned the old correct spelling and tell them: oops.

i like michelle soooooo much better. i think it looks better. and until i got married i had double letters in each of my names. [and my last name is pretty odd, and you would expect it to have double letters- but it doesn't. HEY! should we go check someone's birth certificate????]
michele also carries with it a bad connotation in our family.

in college, i was mpotter. that's how i met The Mr. that's why i let it stick. & it got shortened to m by a select few.
in fact, one summer, The Mr.'s best friend was asked what the m stood for. and after a stutter, he declared emily.

so, i'm usually michelle. sometimes mpotter. for my family & some close friends, chelle. the occasional m (usually when i'm being lazy). and i spent 7 years as Mrs. ____

what's in a name -indeed!

happy thanksgiving

1. turkey
2. skin
3. mashed potatoes
4. sweet potato souffle (i'll miss that this year)
5. chocolate pie
6. sister shubert rolls
7. more turkey- sandwiches
8. friday's lunch of indian food
9. sharing news & stories w/ The Mr.'s family
10. sleeping late
11. watching the lions
12. leaf-colored ground
13. yummy holiday

happy crapday

a sad void: not getting the birthday card from your mom.

a sad phrase: "mommy wishes michelle a happy birthday."

a sad sight: sympathy cards & birthday cards on the same counter.

a sad event: having your mom's funeral mass on your birthday, and having the opening lines spoken by your uncle -the priest from brazil -as stated above.

a sad bond: your sister acknowledging that we're too young to be orphans; giving me a birthday "party" in the midst of this; making my birthday brighter than hers.... when her own was marred by the loss of our mother just 5 days earlier.

i CAN'T believe it's been a year.....
it hurts like yesterday.

baby baby baby BABY baby

i know it's incredibly difficult to fully get the effect of the title here. for whatever reason, i absolutely loved that line when reese witherspoon says that to joaquin phoenix as june carter/johnny cash in "walk the line".

annnyway....

it's times like these i come back to remembering how i'm the baby of the family.
when i meet someone, inevitably over time, it comes out about my large family and my number order. most of the time, for whatever reason, if the person is older than me, they'll ask: "oh--- so, you're the baby??"
and i am QUICK to reply/respond/retort: "no. i'm the YOUNGEST"
and, we all can guess the next line, yes? "well, you'll always be their baby."

and this i know. for all the world tells me so. and have ever since i started to rebuke/rebel/resist.

mainly, it was my dad who would introduce me as his baby. (insert my insistence here). it was an ongoing "battle". it was our thing, i guess.
i don't know when it started, but i have quite a few memories of my mom introducing me and stutter at baby, and claim me as her youngest. [victory!]

then, 6 months after i got married, my father passed away.
and from then on, my mom & i simultaneously ignored the "youngest rule" and when i was called the baby, i allowed it. and fondly.
somehow, i guess it was just intrinsically understood.

but now, it's been a year (!) that my mom passed away.
and it's been creeping up on me lately-

i miss being their baby!!

refresher course

here's an easy Thursday 13
my parents had:

1. bobby
2. paul
3. jo-marie
4. mary-ellen
5. dianne
6. barbara
7. danny
8. karen
9. kenny
10. billy
11. laurie-jean
12. ricky
13. me