surreality

a few surreal things have occurred recently.  in no particular order of importance:

The Mr. will miss our 12th wedding anniversary because he is exactly where he was a year ago when he missed our 11th anniversary. [ obviously, no, i didn't come with.]i am constantly being challenged with the concept of the time change.  it's fun to share with The Bean, too.  we get a kick out of knowing that we wake up when he goes to sleep.
However, time really does seem warped to know that he sent me an anniversary card from the airport when he left.  it came to me as he landed.
it makes sense since his travel day was pretty much 24hrs, but when you put it that way, it just felt pretty surreal.

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this morning, The Bean asked me if we ever went to Callaway Gardens.  I told her we went when she was a baby.  so after breakfast, i pulled up her blog & showed her a few of the pix I had posted.  which led to a couple of other posts.  which led to me just randomizing my blog...  she was pretty captivated and she captivated me by reading my words back to me.

that's surreal enough- but another great thing-  she gets my humor! 

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 i have been having lots of deep dreams again, lately.  this is nothing new to me.  whether it is brought about because of (yet another) medication i really can't tell.  what i do know is these are surreal, yes, but not as evil or dark or scary as some of mine can be (medicated or not)

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 i am currently typing this while watching the Ohio State, Virginia Tech game.  surreal that i care a damn about football that's not even Clemson.  surreal that VT is up by 2 TD's after OSU missed not one but 2 field goal attempts.  the fact that I even know that is surreal is surreal in itself.

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unfortunately there is some surreal shit going on in my family that is not at all what would be expected (even from my crazy family).    it's life-changing.  and not the good kind.

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The Bean has had more bouts of odd coincidences.   (The Mr. calls them coincidences.  i'm not sure how to explain them).  

she pretended some squirrels were named Coleman and Lillianna.  Two names that I know in my life; neither of which are amazingly important- but those are not names we know of in her little 6 year old world.  Neither one of them are particularly common.  And who names squirrels anyway??

Also surreal?  she said to me that 90 is old and she doesn't want to be old.  She only wants to be 40.  anyone who knows me knows that is amazing.  and what 6 year old thinks like that.  At breakfast. when we were not talking about birthdays or ages or old or anything that could have led her to this statement.

and lastly?  she spoke in such a way that I seriously had to consider if something is ESP if your own mind is blank.  I will be posting that story on her blog next.....

statistics

i have always loved statistics. 
i have never formally studied them, but i always love when magazines give data.  surveys.  percentages. 
back in the olden days (before the gods invented tivo) we had to watch these snippets on TV called commercials.  you guys- they aren't just for superbowl sunday!
anyways, i used to be fairly keen on targeted demographics of such commercials.  i guess i would be more apt to notice if they missed their target audience. 

i digress.

i had always wanted to take a statistics course in college.  the closest i came was a grad-level course at USC (go cocks!)  (heh.... bet that just earned me some google hits)  (and some squinty enemy eyes from my tiger friends.- GO TIGERS)
the course was about educational assessment methods.  i was fascinated*.
[i have a 4.0 in my only class of grad school!]

The Mr. has recently suggested that part of my dire mood could be attributed to my normal round of cabin fever.  i always have been down in summers b/c school would be out and i'd have nothing to stress about/focus on.
he wisely suggested i work on something to focus my time so i get out of this shitty slump i can't seem to shake.

when we were talking about what to even do, i mentioned statistics and he brightened up and (easily) found a free site that is essentially a statistics course.

unfortunately, it has been put by the wayside b/c i'm trying to trek my way through not one, not two, but THREE self-help books re: my shitty disposition.  so my time is involved with either vegging out b/c those workbooks are taking a lot out of me, or taking the time to slog through them.

however, i have been keeping up with my own statistics... so that should the need arise, i can share more data with my next doctor b/c we are still unsure about what my "ailments" are about.  this came about b/c for the first several days of '13 i was being plagued by headaches.

so, a snippet of my own personal statistical data:

in one month, i have:  

• been depressed 52% of the time.  (the other half hasn't been happy; but it just wasn't significant enough for me to call myself depressed.  it basically was just existing)
• had headaches 28% of the time
• been nauseated 9%
• had caffeine 130% of the time.  which translates into only one day of having no caffeine.  incidentally, that day i did not have a headache.
• had one root canal due to my shitty luck and amazing coordination.
• had incredible bouts of sleepiness 6 days.  one of those days being i dropped off littlegirl, read aforementioned help-book for 15 minutes and was overcome to sleep for 1.5hrs.  in the MORNING.
• had social visits/outings 19 days.
• had 1 1/2 nights of some new oddity affecting my sleep.

if you want to know what i've eaten (nothing particularly healthy) i can tell you about every morsel.  i can also tell you how many times we've had sex (hey! another google hit), and when i was told "i love you".....
i'm trying to track everything!

so glad i like statistics.


*this class was so cool.  and i got an A after writing a paper- true story- about how i cannot write this paper.  my argument was valid.  four point oh!

aaahhh fall

just a quick post to declare, once and for all- I LOVE FALL.
for the record.  write it in blood.  order a plaque.
fall is wonderful.
[at least in georgia.]

i'm typing this as i'm smelling my first roast (after summer) cooking in the oven.  roasted potatoes.  yum.  warm. familiar.  yay.

last night, after enjoying a most gorgeous (yet slightly windy) autumn day, we came home from dinner and started our fire pit.  hooray!  The Mr. got me one for mother's day.  we used it once (june 1st) and now i just want to use it all the time.

reasons to love fall, from the obvious to the practical, in no particular order:

• it's not hot!!!
• looking forward to going to a mountain house for a weekend!
• college football saturdays (i cannot believe i'm saying that!)
• beautiful leaves.
• the sounds of the leaves
• seeing the leaves covering parts of your front yard (don't rake them TOO quickly, Mr.)
• watching the littlegirl enjoy said raking.  (she asks me every!day! is it time yet???)
• cool mornings. 
• hoodies, sweaters, jackets.
• long days at the park.
• the joys of the autumn holidays. (my bday, halloween, t'giving and xmas prep)
• picnics w/o sweat & bugs swarming
• hearty meals
• apples and the things you can do with them. (painting prints, baking, dipped in PB or nutella)
• baking new recipes. (applesauce muffins, pumpkin bread, baked donuts etc)
• our fire pit.
• roasting marshmallows at said fire pit
• lower electric bills.
• w/o the AC on (or heater) you can hear "nature"--- crickets, tree frogs.
• can sleep with the window cracked for a few weeks.
• not having to mow every single weekend.  (more time for The Mr. to enjoy saturdays)
• blankets
• cuddling
• reading little girl books on a blanket outside
• carving a pumpkin (or more like watching The Mr. do that)
• watching little girl help with said pumpkin.
• enjoying an afternoon coffee.
• early dark.
• (the rare days) sleeping in for the late dark mornings.
• being able to run b/c it's not meltingly hot outside
• my annual 5k (in 2 wks)
• back to school (not gonna lie.... love the routine)
• lazy cloudy coldish days (rare)

i bet i could list even more; and make this list better....   but
i guess i just needed a nice reminder of the "ups"
so glad it's finally here!

tell me----  WHAT DID I MISS?  can't wait to be reminded of yet another reason to love this season.

refreshing

how refreshing!
even in the age of stupid reminders, there actually wasn't one listed on the Betty Crocker Supreme Bars i made today.
the brownie package looked like a package of brownie mix. the cookie package looked like a package of cookie mix. you could even see the chocolate chips.

i swear i was having bets with myself to see if it marked all over each package what each one was.

glad they saved their ink & treated us like we actually knew how to make a BOXED dessert! hey, y'all--- i did it!

stirring it up

i was pretty surprised today to realize that i have something more in common with Bob Marley other than the fact i've spent a few days in jamaica.

we both "steer" things we want to mix.

The Mr. & others have made fun of me for years because i don't pronounce it as "sturr"
i've even paid more attention over the years because i didn't want the bean to pick up my bad dialect.

alas, i'm not the only one.

so far

well, it's day 19. and i just haven't really had a chance to write.
and honestly, even now, i'm not going to put in the effort originally planned for.

overall these last few days, drowsiness has probably been my biggest side-effect. never reaching 5 status, but that's what i've noticed. i've actually noticed it more at night (go figure) and this past weekend, i never slept very well. so by the end of the day, i was bound to be drowsy. whether or not celexa has anything to do with it, i'll never know.

i wouldn't say i've been troubled with insomnia, per se. i've gone to sleep easily. but have woken up for one reason or another too early and had to move downstairs to go back to sleep; never having slept very well afterwards.

the past two nights, i've had bouts of vivid dreams. that is not uncommon for me. but on these days--- nothing terrible like some of my nightmares, but just fast-paced/never feeling rested. bizarre dreams that take up much of the night.

i will say that so far there's been no "cure" for me with these meds. which, i guess is somewhat good if you think about it, because now i know that my good days of the past few weeks were just my normal fluctuations; and not necessarily the meds. tho i wish i could say for certain b/c something needs to change.
today's not a good day, though.

i've noticed i still feel whatever it is i feel. i still have horrible thoughts (often; & many times upon my first thoughts of waking), but the 2 weeks or so i've had no trouble just pushing them away. things have been enjoyable with the scale & The Mr. plus i have made some plans for the near future. looking forward to excitement has ALWAYS helped me with my depression! so all that was always bound to help my moods anyway. and today, even though the scale is still OK; The Mr. is away [Constantine, the key is in the usual place....] and i find myself reverting back to some of my moods & crappy thoughts.
some of which i can completely understand. some of which i'm just damn tired of.

i hope this won't continue. i need something to change.

skeptical, statistic

so it's kinda official.
i am not thrilled to be a statistic (or will be starting tomorrow) concerning being one of the bazillions out there who are being treated for depression with medication.
and i am quite skeptical.

i am deciding to blog about this quite personal subject because i think i need to have a record-of-sorts as i venture into this unknown. i have a great tendency to make my memory fuzzy & vague if it's something important, especially to my health.

so here it is.

just the run-down of it:
my depression symptoms are here & there. just a persistent feeling that is sometimes better/worse than others.
no particular "trigger".

currently- i guess on a scale of 1-10, today would be a 4.5. tho' admittedly, tonight is a 6 because i guess i'm feeling a little anxious about taking the medicine starting tomorrow. however, i guess the 6 has more to do with the anxiety and not necessarily the depression.

disclaimer- it doesn't help that i'm quite tired today after losing about 2hrs of sleep again last night when i got up b/c of the bean. i've been pretty draggy all day. (and you see i'm not yet sleeping b/c i need to get this out of my head)

the medicine is a generic form of Celexa.

i feel skeptical about it for a few reasons, one of which is that i know this isn't some sort of magic pill that will suddenly erase things i'm unhappy with in my life. nor will it amnesia-fy me.
dammit.

another reason for my skepticism is that because i've been dealing with this crap for forever, and medication is supposed to be so subtle... ummmm i don't know how the hell i'm supposed to know if it's "working".

there are other reasons, too, i guess. but those are the main ones.

so here, i open up fully so that i can have documentation of whether or not this is "working" for me.
and if it doesn't.....
???????

cobwebs & crickets

i'd love to dust off the cobwebs of this blog. in a few ways, it's my favorite blog to write. but of course... it's the one i devote so little time to. i've been mentioning (too much) how yaddayadda i don't know what to say blahblahblah nobody bothers to read this anyway woeismeyaddayaddayadda but i know i should do better.

oh how many things i need to improve upon.
i am currently doing what i can to work on myself. in terms of my marriage, my parenting, my frustrations with the cards i have been dealt, and--- well, myself itself.

it's a very frustrating process. some of my closest pals have asked with concern how things are faring. am i any happier/wiser/better. and i don't really have an answer to that.

honestly- i feel overwhelmed. just because i'm trying to correct/adapt to/accept everything at once. all the while doing whatever it is that i normally do in a day.

i'm tracking moods, foods & potty training progresses. i'm reading books, blogs, recipes & old writings. i'm skimming pictures of happy days, sad memories & old videos. i'm trying new recipes, new ideas & even attempted meditation. i'm dreaming of the future, regretting some past & longing for better.

i feel .... hmmm.... what is it i feel?

i need to change pretty much all of who i am. most of which (obviously) i cannot change: events that occured, body image, self-perception & temperament.
i know i need to be happy(er) with my life to be a better mom to jovie, a better wife to The Mr. & a better friend to the ones i still have.

i know this.
i need to fix this.
i haven't a clue.

pretty much my whole life i've felt like i was doing it wrong.

& that's changed only for the worse, as becoming a mother has put a magnifying glass on everything/life. it's given importance to me, where i've never felt important before. self-induced or not- not measuring up is quite difficult.

every time i tell myself to shutup and stoppit... [b/c y'all--- i really do have a WONDERFUL life!]... i think to how great it really is and have all these cuddly memories to feel. until i get to a memory that is not so cuddly. and it cycles me all back around again.

damn. i need therapy.
oh yeah. i've been going to therapy for about 9mos now. mostly weekly.
see? i'm even doing that wrong.

so, how do i feel?
overwhelmed, tired, dejected, lost, angry, frustrated, sad, bored, minor, stupid, wrong, overwhelmed, pathetic, unable, annoyed, nostalgic, jealous, pissed, crazy, less than, overwhelmed & neglected.

.......i haven't wanted to utter any of this BS on my blog. but as i came to it i saw i haven't written in months- hardly at all in over a year.... i know it's been sitting here collecting internet-dust. and there's crickets chirping all around it. i figured now's as good a time as any.

so please.... pardon my rant.

at least i'm not Bert...

i recently went to have my eyebrows waxed again.

that's not usually fuel for a blog post.... even though sometimes i do feel desperate for a topic!

but every time i go in, i always think the same thing.

tell me, do you feel like you look like this, too?? :

or is it just me?

regret

there was a time in my life when i used to honestly say that i had no regrets. even though there may have been things in my life that would likely elicit some regret, i felt i had none. i always said that those experiences have all shaped me to be who i was.

ohmigod- i know; right?
slap me.

because
1- wouldn't it be great to say the same even now, and
2- um, it's not like i really ever liked who i was.

better left unsaid

i know there are some things that are, indeed, better left unsaid. (for example...)
and i also know that this blog has likely become unread. i've updated it so sporadically that i've never developed a comment-base. i didn't "market" the blog like so many others. and, face it, my thoughts are not that interesting. the one person guaranteed to read this (even moreso than The Mr.) is my one faithful commenter--- (thanks, meredith!)

but for some reason i always feel badly that so many things are unsaid on the blog. i hate that i haven't written in 2 months. i hate more that i haven't felt like there's anything worth musing about.

i've had trouble with the blog because quite frankly, there's a lot going on in my mind and i can't make anything sensible come out. some of it i'd felt didn't need to be aired out. but i don't know--- maybe it's frustrating me so much because this is my blog for my thoughts... and i'm not using it.

i started the blog out of curiosity & boredom. i thought i had some things worth writing about. but there are a zillion blogs out there. many many are awesome. unfortunately, some of my favorite blogs are wildly popular. rule #1 in the blogosphere about gaining readership is leaving comments. many comments of mine are overshadowed in the plethora of other comments on these humorous, entertaining, and TRUTHFUL blogs! the authors themselves can't check out everyone that's reading them... or they'd have no time for their families too!

all that to say that i have a readership of one- and 3 other people check this out occasionally. so why am i even writing at all?
i began this blog for me. my self-confidence is like negative, so i never dreamed or thought i would ever be one of the "great" bloggers. so this blog has always just been about my space. it was never intended to be on anyone's radar.

i had hoped starting my own blog would help me process thoughts and ideas, and let me gain some introspection (that i so horribly lack).

and it used to be fun.

but now i see that i let the cobwebs collect on it because it's hard to write about anything else and ignore what's really on my mind. and that is no longer fun.
that has made me avoid my own blog--- my own space to process. my own space to create anything (no matter how jibberish).

i also know that i have important thoughts but when i write them, i want them to be as awesome as some of the other posts i've read (too many to link to on some of my fave blogs). and i just lack that kind of writing talent.
most of the blogs i read show such maturity- not only in their writing, but also in the way they understand themselves so very well!

i'm jealous.

appreciation

sometimes i get so wrapped up in NOT being a "competi-mommy" that i really don't celebrate the things that make the littlebean unique, smart, funny, & adorable.

i've mentioned how amazed The Mr. & i have been at her exploding vocabulary. and we still are. people who get to hear her talk usually tell us how smart she is. (rare... you really have to spend some time around her. she's slow to warm up)

and instead of acknowledging that, i just chalk it up to a good memory. which, i do think is true. but i dunno- sometimes she does do things that really show some type of intelligence, and i almost overlook it.

gack! i'm worse than a competi-mommy.
i hope i won't become a "you're not good enough" mommy. i truly don't think that's it. but i think part of it is that i feel almost embarrassed by some of the things she's able to do so well.

there are several several things she doesn't do well, and i acknowledge those (and am trying to help her in those regards). but i think it's about time i appreciate that she really is pretty smart.

so why not allow me to share just some of the things that we think is awesome:

• she is beginning to identify some letters & sounds. currently, she is largely consistent with: B, O, P, J, /d/, /m/, and she's really getting the hang of E
• she speaks in long sentences (5, 6 or more words) and has success in using some kind of abstract words you wouldn't expect from many 2 year olds.
• she has been spelling her name & telling her birthday for about 4months.
• she knows most of the basic colors (and grey), a few shapes, and the numbers 8 & 2.
• today in a guessing game where there was only a sliver of a picture showing an animal, she was correctly identifying most of the animals. & most of these slivers showed less-than obvious parts of the animal. she saw not only the lion, and some "normal" animals, but also the flamingo. the seahorse. the whale.
• she does have an incredible memory, as is evident by things she'll discuss that happened in May, or after learning what something is and then immediately keeping that for her to identify in the future.... even if we don't discuss it very often after that.
• the other day, i was surprised by the fact that she sorted some objects moreso than i would've expected, considering she's never sorted anything before. she doesn't have a lot of patience for learning in a traditional way. but she didn't do the typical sort by color (as most kids will do on first exposure), or even by shape... she sorted by size of shape. that's 2 criteria at once.

i just know i'm not the mom who thinks her child is perfect, or the best, smartest, cutest, etc... in fact, The Mr. & i ask each other all the time, is she really as cute as we think she is? or do we have those typical parent blinders on? because, come on- we've all seen someone's unfortunate-looking kid only to hear the parent say, "isn't he the cutest!?!" kinda like that seinfeld episode.

so, can other 2 year olds do what she does? sure! of course. but knowing how she is, and how i've seen some of her thought processes work (or not work) in the past, i see that she really is getting the hang of some things. and i oughtta give her credit.

because she really is pretty incredible sometimes. and i need to do better.

idiot!

maybe if i post on the idiot things i do, this blog won't be as neglected.

i just posted about a trip to see some animals on my other blog & of course, had Def Leppard's Animal in my mind. so i originally tried to be funny & began the post asking if i was the only one.

luckily, as i linked to the song on youtube, it played automatically. so i kept waiting and waiting for the part that was stuck in my head. you know: "AN-NI-MUHUL".
when it didn't ever play, i took 3 seconds to realize that i was confusing Animal with Panama.

cuz you know.... Def Leppard; Van Halen. same diff.

IDIOT.

it was funny to me...

the littlebean doesn't watch too much TV, but i gotta admit there are the days where it is definitely our saving grace. we've recently found Blue's Clues on Netflix streaming (to Wii- best!invention!ever!!).

yesterday i queued it all up and noticed the title. The Mr. was in the kitchen & didn't see that it came up. i said to him, "i think i will DIE if they show Blue's pen1s." to which he reminded me, "Blue is a girl".... i just laughed louder. because oh that would be MUCH more fitting!

the title of the episode:
"The Trying Game"
not to be confused with The Crying Game

i want to post

really, i do.
oftentimes i think of this lonely blog. & i want to dust the cobwebs off the site and post again.
and i go to do just that, and one of several things happen. such as:

1. little bean wakes up from her nap about a half-hour too early.
2. i can't think of anything great to say
3. i can't think of anything to say
4. i begin to think of something to say & LB comes over and quietly begs for my attention. i have the luxury of staying home with her. i really don't want to neglect her so i can play on the computer. (as i am currently doing)
5. i stare blankly at whatever it is i'm looking at on the internet and say to myself: "get off the damn computer. you're bored. nothing's getting accomplished. go do something productive."

truth is- i'm feeling a little overwhelmed these days.

i am truly glad that i do not do Facebook & Twitter! because i feel overwhelmed just at the amount of emails i have unread in my inbox. and, sadly, it's not because i'm so popular. these are (mostly) the baby emails that i subscribed to way back when thelittlebean was exactly just that. along with another set of emails i have been getting since, i dunno- 1999?? that i have now pretty much realized i can just *delete* with no problem.

why not unsubscribe? for the baby emails, sometimes i read something that may be useful one day, and i hope that i'll actually remember that info when the time comes. many of them don't interest me, but since their subject lines rarely give way to what's in them, i feel like i need to open them to see.... just in case.

i also have quite a few recipe emails that are sent to me. if you know me personally, i understand if you just laughed out loud at that one. usually i can open, see that everything is made with normal things most people would love (ie: veggies, cream cheese, sour cream....) & i can instantly delete. but occasionally, i find one that interests me. i click the recipe, go to the site & then add it to my favorites. and never look at them again.

and, as far as the other emails, i don't unsubscribe from those because sometimes (read: rarely) they lead me to something quite useful. for fear of missing out, i would just rather clutter & delete.

ohmigod, y'all--- i am an information whore.

outcast

i am not a friend of facebook.
incidentally, i just heard how "unfriend" is the word of the year for the oxford dictionary. i can't say that i have unfriended facebook, because i've never actually joined.

i realize this makes me a bit of an outcast, because i'm one of 2 people that i know personally who doesn't use facebook. The Mr. being the other.

i've been asked by a few of my friends why i won't join, and now i'll pretend you asked as well:

1. i know i would get addicted.
2. i already know how few friends i have that i keep in sorry contact with in real life, i don't need a reminder on the internet as well. (email is enough of a reminder)
3. on the same note, i don't care to "collect" friends. everyone i know is "friends" with someone that they would never be with for real. & i've seen someone's page with friend requests from someone they have never even heard of. (that's what i mean by collecting)
4. it's hard enough for me to keep my two blogs up to date. i realize quite a few of the blogs i read of people i know personally are never updated because it's so much easier to do it on FB. that makes me sad. but i'm fairly regular with the little bean's blog... even though her gramma is on FB, it's my way of checking in.
5. my friend has tried many times to get me to join, and let me know that a lotta my family is on there, too! ..... need i say more?

although, if the world would like to follow some changes, perhaps i could be persuaded to join so i could see my friends' happenings & stop wasting time going to their blog that hasn't been updated this whole year.

1. if FB would re-vamp how to search for someone, it would be so much more helpful. anybody that i would be curious about, it seems they have too normal of a name: jeff smith, anyone? but if i could search by inputting everything i know about someone & get hits that way to narrow the field ... well- maybe then i'd be persuaded. because although it'd be great to know what jeff is up to these days, i am not going to sift through thousands of them for the privilege.
2. not that i ever spent a ton o' time at classmates.com, but i liked how there was a little blurb about the people (if they wanted to share) and you had to pay to hear about the rest of it... most of the time i would search someone just to see if they have kids or where they live or whatever. it would be so much easier to spy on them than to friend them, see the info, and never talk with them again. (doesn't sound like a "friend" to me).
3. and as for my spying- it would be fine if they were notified that i looked at their public profile. i don't need to hide it from them. that way if they were thinking: "oh, wow. i haven't thought of mpotter in years!" then they could see mine before friending me as well. i see it goes both ways.
4. and what about the people that don't have a picture? so, hmm, i should randomly friend a blank jeff smith in the hopes & unlikelihood that it is THE ONE?
5. or as bad as that, what about all the pictures of babies out there? if a main point of FB is to reconnect with long lost pals, how would i know if jeff had a kid or seven? and if i saw a jeff smith with an adorable baby picture--- well, same thing applies. (maybe at least put yourself in there with the kid since it's your profile??)

... so there you have it. i'm sure you won't miss me on FB at all.

& don't even get me started on twitter....

#75 explained- the magic birthday

continuing my explanations, here's more on #75 of my list of 100.

today marks the 30th anniversary of my "magic birthday".

you may remember i'm a picky eater. i now consider it a major character flaw. and i guess that started at an early age. i noticed my mom used to make me "different" food. she usually had 2 or 3 versions of the same type meal on many nights. not just for me, but i know i was the biggest culprit.

for instance, when she'd make 'chopmeat & macaroni in the oven' (clever title, no?), she'd usually make 3: one with onions & peppers. one without. and one with just onions.

she was great at remembering what we all liked/didn't like. how she could keep up with all 13 of us' tastes, i'll never know. of course, she did spend a lot of time calling me by some other name. but, eh.

it was mainly when she made casserole type dishes that she did this. regular meat & sides, she'd just offer a choice of 2 or more veggies.

when i was super young, i remember having oatmeal for dinner. or scrambled eggs in the microwave*.

apparently i came of the age i'd have to start eating what we had. but i guess my mom figured if she's making enough for an army, it didn't really matter to her if she could leave something pesky out.

still i had issues with dinner almost nightly. how many times did my sisters try to coach me into eating my veggies? i would eat them one by one. ice cold, no doubt. if i were forced to eat veggies right now, i'm sure i'd do it the same way.

oh, and i learned to swallow many whole.

how many times did i rip open the string beans and "pretend" they were peanuts? how many times would i hold my nose, close my eyes, and STILL have a problem with what i was eating? how many times would i scatter my food around the plate, because we ALL KNOW the amazing physics behind how when you do such a thing, it miraculously fools your parents into thinking that you did, in fact, eat your supper.

just eat the veggies first they'd say. because apparently warm veggies that are disgusting are supposedly less disgusting than cold veggies that are disgusting. but no! i'd rather eat what i like just in case the world ended and my last taste wasn't broccoli. (or, more likely my dad became a softy that night and let me be done). the fewer pieces of corn eaten the better, in my book.

yes. i had problems with normal vegetables, as well as the grosser ones (creamed corn, anybody?? something that looks, smells, and tastes like, well..... eeewww).

i can still right now at this very moment conjure up the smell & taste of cauliflower. and the ONE time i had to have beets.

how many nights did i go to bed at suppertime b/c i flat out refused to eat? i just couldn't. and do you know that from all this turmoil, i developed a semi-talent...

i digress.

my mom made the BEST spaghetti ever. apparently. every sibling that would have people over for dinner for all years would request that we had either spaghetti or chicken paprikas. she was famous for it.

no jar here. unless you count the tomato paste that went in. with homemade meatballs as well. we usually had spaghetti on wednesdays because that was her bowling night and her night off from work. so she would start it in the morning. it was an all day affair; this famous sauce.

(2 meatballs a person, y'all. she had to ration. pity the pals that would come over and we didn't tell them that rule! and if she added sausage to it, you were allowed one of those)

not me. no thanks. tomato sauce.... eeks.

she'd drain my spaghetti, put mine aside with butter & mix the rest. i rarely got seconds. but honestly?? i LOVE spaghetti w/ butter. it's not that i tolerated it. even now, sometimes i crave it. it really is good.

so i knew i was a pest. and i knew i was tired of not liking things. and i was convinced that i was just being a baby. that if i just told myself to like spaghetti (et al) i would.

so somehow i figured that 5 was my magic birthday. i guess 5 year olds have much more mature palates than those damn 4 year olds! ooooh, i talked this up so much. weeks?? my family was in on it. and helped me convince myself that i am right.

for my birthday dinner (anything i want), i told my mom to make RED SPAGHETTI. yes i was serious. no, i didn't want paprikas. (shocking, i know!).

one of my sisters can vouch for me. i WANTED with all my heart for this to be my magic birthday. (don't butter it, mommy. i want to have grown up RED pisketti!) i was going to like RED pisketti. i can't wait! it's my magic birthday.

until i tasted it.

luckily, mom had the foresight to save me some WHITE spaghetti.

i was so disappointed. imagine... if i didn't like my mom's spaghetti sauce... there's none out there for me.

so it's now the 30th anniversary. and there's no spaghetti on the menu this weekend.

*who the hell eats scrambled eggs in the microwave?? i once saw an episode of Take Home Chef & when Curtis picked the chick up & asked her what was for dinner, that is seriously what she was planning on having. it was priceless! not "scrambled eggs". but "scrambled eggs in the microwave". i lived on them. not anymore! i'll dirty up a pan no problem.

why, yes. there ARE 3 L's!

i'm not sure why, but sometimes the line "there are 3 L's in gullible" stands out to me. i can't even attest to how common that retort has ever been, or if i heard it once, and i was the only one who ever thought it.

i write it out now b/c this post is about honesty. and where do you draw the line between believing a lie, and becoming gullible? (The Mr. LOVES to make me gullible. he will say something overandoverandover until finally i'm all: "really? hm. ok" and then he'll say "ha! just kidding")

i'm horribly lacking in the introspective department, but having a blog and a daughter sometimes gets me thinking. & sometimes it dawns on me that i just realized something about myself.

one thing is: i take honesty very seriously. i have always taken people at their word. i'm trusting. gullible? i'm not so sure. naive? maybe i used to be. trusting? definitely!

i guess i was a late bloomer in questioning anything in life.... religion (college), relationships (after being committed for a year+), choosing a major in college (a little back and forth went on 2 years later)..... even down to santa and the rest of his come-in-the-middle-of-the-night-for-treats pals.

i didn't officially find out about santa until 5th grade. (i know!) although it was 3rd grade that a lot of the creepy boys would argue their point, i spent the better part of 2 years still believing with all hope that santa MUST be true.

i even lied about a "friend" who had no money and a gloooorrrious christmas (oops) to prove my point. because i knew that my parents didn't have the dough for what i always thought was a good christmas. i'm sure by anyone else's definition, our xmases were pretty "eh". and, naively, i never thought there were people in the world who didn't have christmas (not by religious choice.... by poverty)- so i knew all those kids in africa* had to have a santa.

it just never occured to me that my parents would have lied all those years.
oh, don't get me wrong- i will lie to littlebean for as long as she'll let me about christmas! i think it's so much about the spirit. i still have that "i believe" feeling and i get giddy during that time of year. doubtful that would've happened, had i not been lied to for so much of my childhood.

kudos to my parents for keeping the dream alive, even when i was probably too old to believe it. kudos to them for not spoiling the fun, and deciding to wait until i asked to confirm it.

but in any case, i think a big reason why i did believe in all that jazz is because i took them at their word. i mean, why would you lie about something like that. not to mention all the stories/songs/radio announcements on xmas eve/phone calls to 1800#s to hear a jolly "hohoho" on the other end.

this is just the earliest example i can find in my life of how honesty is a major thing for me. i was a little hurt that they lied. of course, i got over it. (but boy, i was stupid for confirming in november!!! that xmas sucked).

recently, though, i had a good friend lie to me. (luckily, not a reader of the blog)
and it honestly hurt me to the core. i think she sees that now, but really- it is quite difficult to trust her to the same extent. it's hard not to wonder when it may happen again (if it was so EASY to lie to my face).
of course, i know in time i'll stop constantly questioning her. but in the meantime, i have to try to get over it. try to stop the doubt. try to stop hurting. & most of all, try to stop understanding how you could blatantly lie to someone you supposedly care for. i'm not sure i could ever understand.

i know i've done my fair share of lying in the past. by omission, mainly. i'm not your typical lie-to-your-face kinda gal. i think you'd see right through me.
i just think that there's a time, though, where you grow up & realize that lying is for 12 year olds. or for parents who want to keep the christmas spirit alive.

*i grew up in the 80s. africa was always the depiction of sadness & poverty.

spilled beans

it's no secret that i love surprises! when i was pregnant with littlebean, there were a few ultrasounds that i was adamant about reminding them that we didn't want to know if it was a boy or a girl.
when i was younger, i would help my sister out by wrapping my own christmas gifts. she'd have all the boxes w/ our names on them & never once would i peek. i knew once i did, the fun of it would be over.

The Mr. is fantastic at keeping surprises for me. he's been privy to both a wedding & a baby shower on my behalf. he has given me surprises of his own over the years.

and i guarantee i can keep a secret myself. i know how horrible it would be to ruin someone's surprise.

yet i've done that, too. by accident. 3 times.
twice to the same man. (ouch!)
me & my big mouth.

i will admit total fault to one of them. i just didn't think things through.

the three times that i have spilled the beans:

1. an assistant manager at piggly wiggly where i worked & his wife were expecting their first child. his parents were friends of my family growing up, and oftentimes they would come into the store and shop through my line. they learned of the good news because i had congratulated them. oops! but, really- how was i supposed to know that a mere cashier would know about this days/weeks before his parents!?!
2. i also told them on another shopping trip that this manager had finally gotten his own store. oops. completely my fault. this time.
3. sadly, i told my best friend's brother that their dad was having health problems. it had been several weeks (months??) when i casually asked him how his dad was doing. confused, he answered "fine". when i delved a little deeper, it was apparent he had no idea of the issue. i still feel plagued by this one from time to time.

The Mr. says i have a big mouth. in these instances, i guess i do. but really i'm a loyal secret-keeper myself.

happy (belated) mother's day to any of you who may fit the bill.
this was my first (official) day of "my own".
i have too many thoughts surrounding it, but none as poignant as these that i read this morning: here & here.

there are things i celebrate about being a mom.
there are things i worry about being a mom.
there are things i fear about being a mom.
there are things i shouldn't even think about being a mom.
there are things i miss about my own mom; especially since becoming one.

i'd like to share some fantastic thoughts. i'd like to open up (a little) & get new viewpoints. i'd like to commiserate with all of us who are missing their own mothers & motherfigures.
i just don't have the words.

enjoy your kids today. & tomorrow too.