...and the no good very bad day

today was not a good day (so far).  when she woke up this morning, bean said her belly hurt a little but then was fine.  she does that some mornings.  i try not to read too much into it (anxiety) and just know that i have a lot of mornings like that myself.  she's always fine with breakfast.

but today was the first day she said cried the words "but i'm not pretty!"
that broke my ever-loving heart.  i am trying not to read too much into it, because it all stemmed from a particular skirt she wanted to wear that is a size FOUR T.  so yeah.  it doesn't fit. (though she wore it last week??????) 

it was just one of those mornings.  we all have them. i get it.  nothing seemed right.  but i didn't like her to continue to say-cry-scream that she's not pretty.
it made me very very uncomfortable.  because obviously i want to be there for her when she is feeling down. especially if it's upon herself.  and i'm not quick on my feet for saying & teaching the right things.  the "yes you are" a) doesn't work or b) help the idea but it's c) automatic.

she has never ever ever heard me say anything negative about myself.  i accept every compliment she gives me.  i negate nothing.  i only slipped up once when she said that i looked cute and i was in some sweats or something.  i questioned her a little too much in that i would expect that i would be cuter in nicer clothes.  but i did let it go fairly quickly and thanked her. 

she has developed a love of skirts & dresses.  and she wears a skirt over leggings almost every chance she gets....  she felt she wasn't pretty because she couldn't.  
i tried to say all the right things about clothes not mattering, etc.  but she didn't want to hear it.  she even said her "special" wavy hair today wasn't pretty b/c it was supposed to go with the skirt.

a bad day.  i get it.  just like Alexander. 
i hate those days. 

but she really IS so very pretty!!!
(even when she just wakes up)

 

back in the saddle

it is with some anxiety & sadness that i report i am back in the saddle again with meds.

my whole life i've struggled with depression.  and my whole life it comes and goes.  i have not yet found any particular pattern. 
i have looked for patterns; i have even documented my every day from jan 1- july 1 and then i got super busy.  since then, my tracking has been less obsessed, but i did try to hit the main parts of the spreadsheet until recently.

over the course of this year/ past few months, i have done my typical highs & lows.  (to be clear- this is not bipolar.  i am not manic nor euphoric).  the way i recently came to describe it is that i hate myself so completely.. just some days i'm better at ignoring it than others.

well, i'm really tired of it.

really.

it's a sadness that permeates me.  so it obviously bleeds into other important parts of my life (like my kid & husband).  i function very well, so it has not completely overtaken me.  but it does dominate my mind a lot.  which translates into marital stress- especially when The Mr. is traveling.

so i'm biting the bullet.  today i saw a medical doctor with special interest in pharmacology.  my therapist mentioned him to me several years ago, and was particularly interested in my seeing him even last year when i had my mysterious sickness.
turns out, this new guy pretty much agrees that Celexa is what did me in.  he told me celexa is in a class of drugs that typically has latent side effects.  6months later or so.  which is when mine began.

i intended to talk to new guy about medical issues & such as it leads to depression.  he seemed pretty confident that my most major issues went away when i weaned myself off.  and any other mild complaints i have are not very severe or consistent to warrant any more diagnoses.

he sent me on my way with a new drug.
that i will fill tomorrow.

he knows i'm wary of taking drugs for depression, but i didn't harp on that too much because he is convinced that Wellbutrin will help me.  and it shouldn't come with all that sickness i dealt with.  i also didn't harp on it too much, because as i said- i'm very tired of this.
i want it to end.
and if i have to take a bloody pill, then so be it.

because lately my motivation is at almost record lows.  so exercise & nutrition has been out the window.  which is horrible, because i made a giant investment -both in money and self- when i went and had a kickass time in utah.

since school began, i have exercised more regularly, but i keep waiting til' later to focus on nutrition.

my motivation is low that i get in ruts.  and the bean is quick to irritate me (without meaning to, many times) and sometimes -especially when The Mr. is gone- i just want to sit & veg.
zero motivation.
can interfere with good parenting.
and good marriaging.

so i will try something new.
i'm filling it tomorrow, and depending on how early it is ready, i may even take pill #1 tomorrow.
in any case, i will re-post side effect data for my records.

DAMMIT.

no '13 list

so i looked at my archives and found my lists i made last year about my accomplishments/goals.

i will not be making a list for 2013.  which is a shame, since 13 is my number.
but looking at those lists just depressed me.  again.

i can't even fathom what i would do in '13; and i see how much i changed/failed for '12!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

also, i just looked at my archives and see that i didn't discuss the body wraps (nothing to say/report).  and i also didn't post about the current state of my health.

the short of it is:  as usual, i'm "fine"

actually went to a good endocrynologist at the end of october.  my bloodwork came back perfect.

my cholesterol was even lower than my original number (and in the good range)--- even tho' my exercise and eating hadn't been up to par.

which leads The Mr. to conclude (and i to tend to agree) that my medication made me sick.

i still don't understand that, since i had been on it for 6months before these symptoms piled on me.

however, i'm not going to pretend that i feel just perfect even now.

in fact, as i type this, i'm fighting the urge to sleep.  

which---- this is one of the big symptoms i had to begin with way back a year ago.

my Dr. "endo" suggested that this narcoleptic feeling may be diet-based.

tho' it puzzled her b/c even tho i'm into carbs- they are usually paired with protein; which i guess theoretically would cancel out the sluggish/sleepy feeling i feel.

(which is new to me- even tho i've ALWAYS had the same diet.)

she negated the diagnosis of "Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome" that the one doctor had suggested.

and going to get answers from her was difficult, b/c by end of Oct, my symptoms were fleeting and i was more normal than jan-mar.  it's hard to diagnose severe headaches/nausea from months back, yeah?

well, i've been tracking almost everything for the past 8 days because i'm starting to feel bad again (not to the same extent, but enough that i'm tracking everything) and i know if i go to another doctor, i want more detailed info to share.

everything from my mood, to caffeine intake affecting headaches, nausea, tiredness, and my general exercise/diet combo.

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

i'm wondering if i should find another med to help me with my hating all of my guts, but both The Mr. & i are reluctant to start this cycle all over again.  especially considering the last "results" and how i never was convinced Celexa was totally working for me.

as The Mr. says "you already have all these odd ailments... i don't want to add a new medicine on top of that".  which is a good point.

but the other side of that?

is hating all of my guts.

so, here's to 2013. and the list/goals i'm not making.

i'm just wanting to get through it.

and if i can be happy about it, that can be a bonus.

 

 

 

AAAAAHHHH FALL!

so november started out with a bang.

november 1st i went for a run with The Mr. for the first time in 10 months or more.
i struggled up the little hill out of my neighborhood.
then, i fell.

truly.
on my face.
it was awfully painful, embarrassing & ridiculous.

nothing was there to make me fall.  i didn't trip over anything.  The Mr. has seen me fall on quite a few occasions in our life.  usually i just skin my knee really bad & rip my jeans or something.

i broke a front tooth in half (beautiful). chipped the other front tooth, and for good measure cracked the 3rd tooth. i had a fat lip, i scraped the heck out of my palm & got GIANT road burn on my knee.  bruised the other knee.

i was in pain for a week.

i came home from the dentist all "nice & fixed" 2 hours from when it all started.  so that was good.  The Mr. was with me, so that was excellent.

my tooth still doesn't feel exactly normal, but i'm able to manage eating.  (biting into things is still causing odd feelings).  and my knee has finally stopped hurting and i was able to get up and down stairs last week.

so today i ran again.
and according to Nike + i logged my 100th mile (exactly).  and i didn't fall!

*******************************************************

and november didn't start off well for my brother and his wife, who have spent the better part of the month with their daughter in ICU.  things were looking dire there for a bit.
i think (??) the worst fear is over, and she needs to continue to heal. (still in the ICU)

*******************************************************

we spent some time in the mountains last weekend, so that was nice.
the bean's 20+minute loud as hell tantrum in the orchard was not so nice. 

why is it the "best" tantrums are for no reason at all?

the waterfalls we hiked & drove to were nice.  the leaves were mostly pretty (tho' in the NC mountains, they were probably 3/4 already fallen).  and hanging out with The Mr.'s parents was nice.

*******************************************************

we are looking forward to the thanksgiving holidays.  it will be a very long weekend filled with family time, relaxing time, yummy food time, football time, and hopefully injury-free/hospital-free time. 

i hope your fall is going well, and you're not being literal with the term as i had been!

happy holidays

ups and downs

pretty sure everyone can relate to that.
ups and downs.

sometimes it's the easiest (tiniest) thing that turns me into down.
it's harder to get me into up.

why the hell is that?

and the funny thing....  i'm one of the most optimistic people i know.  pleasant, friendly, outgoing.
to everyone else.

i will say, the fog is lifting.
went on vacation last week.  THAT helped.

this is an actual picture of my vacation:    true story.

there's more pictures where that came from.  most of them actually look less like the fog surrounding the quaint city of Santa Barbara.
if you feel inclined, go look.
visitors make me happy.  comments make me happy. 
vacations make me really happy.

looking forward to planning the next one.
bonus points if i am indeed out of all this fog and downs.  i got one year. 
get my ass in gear!

envy

oh, the many things i'm envious of.
i'm envious of people who feel so comfortable in themselves.

that's probably the crux of it.
if you know who you are and are comfortable with yourself--- so many other wonderful things come to play.  you automatically have a much more peaceful outlook on life.  you are likely surrounded by friends who adore you and would celebrate moments with you.  you have a strong, healthy marriage, and possibly even kids you adore.  you likely have a strong spiritual feeling.  be it christian (mostly- especially here in the south), or some other ideals that drive you.

i struggle.

i don't know shit about who i am or what i want in life.
and i am certainly not comfortable with many parts of me (if any at all).

not saying i have nothing.  i have so much.  i know.  i'm an idiot!

i get envious when i read some of my favorite blogs.
they are all so very well-written.  and in-tune with themselves.  they have overcome their own struggles.  they realize that.  they can appreciate it.  and they can grow from that.
not me.

i flounder.

they all have wonderful moments that are captured in their writing.  even things that are less-than perfect for them, come across so very well.  but it's more than just the writing.  it's the moments.  the general love they are enveloped with.
they are surrounded by friends and family who support them. they all have such an online presence that drives them.
more than that, they (seem to) have the ability to commiserate (if that's the word i'm looking for) with others.  i'm not so sure i work quite that way.

for instance- believe me- i KNOW i'm not the only one who struggles. i also know that my "problems" are nothing compared to many people.  which makes me feel more like an ass for feeling so down about things. i know things generally get better.  but it doesn't really help me to hear someone say that to me.  or the me too statement.  which i am guilty of saying all the time!.  i think it reminds me of me, actually.  and that drives me crazy.

so, i'm envious of the people who find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.
look at the internet.  if you come up with the craziest problem- i'm pretty sure someone else can commiserate.  and top it.

so, my rant here is no different and waaaaaayyyyy less poignant of the many blogs i enjoy reading who can complain without complaint.  who can look at their adverse problems & come out on top.  knowing (knowing!) they will be stronger because of it.
either them, their kid, their marriage their finances---whatever.  stronger!?!

i'm pissed of the fact that i have a wonderful life.  yet i'm filled with envy.
i am tired of not knowing the right answers and always feeling less-than.
i'm tired of struggling, floundering, and jealous-ing.

i don't know how to quit.
i envy people who can rock it in therapy.
i envy people who don't need therapy!
i even envy the people who just don't bother to look at themselves/lives so critically.  who don't worry about these types of things.  b/c they are fine.  i want to be truly fine.
i envy people who know how to stand up for themselves.  who know how to make their point and be convincing.
i envy the fun i see portrayed all around, and wonder why i can't carry good times in my memory to sustain me.  i envy people who know how to do that.

i have always always been very "grey".
it is very hard to be that way.

low

i've been feeling low lately.

depression-esque.

of course, it could be because i have weaned off my meds due to my health issues.

or it could be my health issues.

the age-old question of which came first.

am i feeling tireder now because of adrenal fatigue syndrome?  or because i'm depressed?

am i depressed because of my AFS?  i really can't come out of this neverending circle.

and, not really trying to be funny about it, but not seeing the end of the circle is making me depressed!!

today, specifically, i felt myself sinking by the minute.

does it help that i'm uh, particularly hormonal today?  PMS doesn't normally effect me very much, that i can tell.  (but don't ask The Mr.)

i was agitated.  i'm hitting walls left and right.  and i can't even get happy about planning for trips in my future.  (more on that soon)  which is usually sure-fire!

i (rudely) hung up from IM with becky.  [so sorry about that. i was about to lose it!!]

---------are you kidding me?  my computer just got unplugged for like a minute.  and it shut down in the middle of this.  INEEDANEWCOMPUTER TO ANY MR.THAT IS LISTENING

---------

so i knew i needed to stop being agitated and depressed.  i decide to look in my email folder marked "love letters".  just an assortment of emails i file away when i notice how they made me feel.  um, less than 20.  since 1999.  there ya go. another reason to be depressed.

The Mr. giving me less than half of those.  a bigger reason to be depressed.

[in full disclosure, my inbox is currently filled with 1400+ emails that need to be filed/deleted... i try to mark them 'love' right away; but i'm sure there are a few floating out there]

then i came across some emails referring to my mother's death.  

and when i read 2 emails saved from my mom (& dad) i just lost it.  

so here, i was trying to pick myself up.  and oh so much worse i made it for me.

also, truly- i had more poignant things to say regarding all this. but i have since lost focus, what with having to reboot (really. a new computer would be awesome) and i'm just not very focused right now. so i'll stop whining.

for now.

stunned emotion

The Mr. and i are both upset at the news of losing Adam Yauch to cancer---  MCA of the Beastie Boys (in case you really haven't heard!).

The Mr. was coming home from San Diego last week, and just landed when he saw the guy in front of him was watching news on their seat TV's & i immediately got a text telling me the news.  it was heartwrenching.
i immediately shared the news with my friend becky that i was IM'ing and i felt so stunned.

which, i will admit, is kind've odd---  considering he's been battling cancer for 3 years.  and i was sad and worried to hear that he didn't get to go to the Hall of Fame awards where they just got inducted (yay!).  so, it's not like it was completely unexpected.
but, i guess just hearing about the news just stunned me.

The Mr. & i got to see them 3x together;  and The Mr. one other time before he came to clemson when they performed a couple of songs at lollapalooza. 
the first time i saw them was the night before my 30th birthday.  the other 2 of those times were shows in Denver where, yes..  we planned our vacation in '07 just for the Beastie Boys.  and boy, am i glad we did that!  it was so awesome watching them perform at Red Rocks.  and then the next night in a more intimate venue- a club called the Fillmore.  

no doubt this is akin to when the world heard the news of john lennon.  or even jim morrison.

but, i mean....  when i heard Coldplay's tribute yesterday-  The Mr. said it well.  it was, indeed, moving.

something about hearing that song in a whole new way.

i am most sad to think that they are just over.
over.
i feel so sad for Mike D and Adrock.  they are all seriously talented, incredible live performers, and brought a lot of fun to music!

i hope Adam Yauch's family, friends, and everyone can heal.... soon.

****I O U 2 related pictures.

meds update

****i have had this post in my drafts for over a week; i guess i'm just not exactly sure what to say/feel about all this...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i know it has been a long time since i've discussed my meds (celexa) for my depression.

i have been on it since july- so 8months. and have never really determined if it helped anything. as i'd mentioned, parts of my life generally helped my feelings at certain times. looking back, and talking about it with The Mr., we haven't really noticed [felt] any significant change.

well, beginning at the end of january, i've been inexplicably sick. headaches, nausea, fatigue, faintness, and general discomfort have come and gone for the past 11 weeks. i went from a LOT of exercise (as one should) to NONE. it hasn't seemed to help.
after lots of waiting, i have finally gotten my bloodwork back, and was quite disheartened to hear some of the information.

namely, my cholesterol shot up. specifically, my "bad" cholesterol. oh, and my thyroid is (to quote my doc) "suboptimal". along with a few hormonal issues and low cortisol.

lucky for me, i realllly didn't want to go on any depression meds, so prior to this, i had my thyroid tested and bloodwork done. and in one year, my numbers got QUITE skewed.

considering that i have always been honest about my crappy diet, and knowing that i didn't used to exercise at all; much less quite consistently from september-february; january being almost daily! obviously, cholesterol should've been kept at bay.

one would think.

my doctor and i discussed "how in the world could that happen so very quickly"?? she theorizes possibly the low progesterone and low cortisol could be affecting my everything else.
so she wants me on quite a few supplements and prescriptions.
with me looking into things in may and seeing if changes in diet and these meds will help my numbers come down to where they were.

well, guess what?
in one google search, i could come up with a very plausible reason why my numbers are all so wonky:
according to DoubleCheckMD, this is what they come up with:

(oh by the way, i'm thrilled that an underactive thyroid is considered rare)

and just so you know, i didn't go to med school. but this is what the first page of google looked like when i decided to look into it:


i've wanted to call the doctor and be angry. but i know that wouldn't solve anything. i will just go back in may and then find a new doctor if i need to- in order to "start over".

so, The Mr. & i discussed my meds. I talked with my therapist about them. and, interestingly enough, a week or 2 ago, i had a really depressive day. so maybe that shows me that they haven't truly helped me a lot.
or?? maybe i don't have a clue what is realistic to expect.

other bloggers are very poignant about their struggles with depression, and it always strikes me as amazing how well they know themselves. i, however, do not.
so maybe this is the best i get??

in any case- we have decided that i will wean off of them. my OB/GYN (prescribing doc) told me how to do it "correctly".

i never considered that celexa was CAUSING any of my problems. as i said- it has been the better part of a year... so why now. i went off of it specifically to see if my cholesterol can lower and my thyroid can go back to being what it was last february. but it is pretty interesting to note that i am one week into the weaning, and i've only had one bout of fatigue. incidentally, that was NOT the day i had been awake since 4am and on the go for much of the day.

so, yes- there is an I in Fail. but i'm hoping some of this can get back on track...

there's an "I" in FAIL

i'm pretty discouraged right now.

because i have not been feeling well for the past six weeks, that has affected a lot of my 2012 goals.
this is the first year i even made goals.
and i only did that because i had a lot to look forward to, and looking back at 2011 was neat.

so:
all of my exercise goals are lagging.
i have been extremely fatigued, headachy, nauseous & yucky for several weeks. there have been other strange symptoms that have crept up over the weeks as well.
we have found that even though i feel horrible without exercising, exertion only exacerbates the situation.
-- case in point, i ran 1.4 miles on sunday and had a perpetual headache until i went to sleep on monday night. this is not the only 24hr+ headache i've endured.

i did finish the first butts & gutts class; but had to get a refund for the class currently in progress.

i did not make the 30miles in 30 days; i was 4miles shy.
i am choosing not to run my first 10k next week; even though i did have some good runs... some up to 6 miles!

i did cash in one groupon for the body wrap; but called in sick for yesterday's. of course, i see no progress. but in all fairness; with not feeling well, it's been harder to eat better and exercise.

as for the birthday present for The Mr., due to issues that i can't control, that may be put on the wayside as well. but we can talk about that later as it gets closer.

i'm so frustrated with all of this.
it seems that i'm the only person on the planet who begins to exercise as we all should, and it makes it worse!

went to the doctor today for bloodwork (!!!!) and so now, we wait.
some more.
and until then......

bluck.

you can't spell fail without the i

i want to be more poignant in my writing.
especially today.
but i'm really not able to get much more out than:

i feel like i'm sinking.
again.

and in some ways it's worse.
not the feeling- in fact, it's just a beginning feeling, not the "i'm so done" feeling. (yet)
but i didn't want to keep feeling this way on medication.

i hope to write more later.

an exception?

i can be fairly superstitious at times. not generally the "step on a crack" or 'umbrella open in the house' type, but the "don't say anything or you'll jinx it" type.

that jinxing it has proven true time and time again in the course of my life.
from complimented talents suddenly disappearing, to students in my classrooms losing their "great day" status.

i hope like hell, that this is an exception!

when i recapped the latest on Celexa last time, i presented that all was well. (it was!)
and now....

man, i'm so frustrated.
and at this moment (6am) i'm a little anxious about the day. not anxious in symptoms and shaking and panic, but anxious as in "what's it gonna be like" [it's currently 7am and i've been dealing with the bean for the past half hour.... so now i think i know what it's gonna be like]

in my last post, i mentioned that it generally takes a month or so to begin to feel effects of the meds. and my head is just racing "pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease don't let this be the effects i'm supposed to feel"

what i didn't mention was the last friday, inexplicably, i cried.
in my normal state of depression, crying is not terribly common, but sure- it's been known to happen. mostly out of strong feelings. a hard day with either The Mr. or the bean would certainly wear on me and tears would, at the very least, sting my eyes.
in a fit of anger, crying is a huge outlet. as is screaming. (the ugly cry we've heard of. but i have an ugly scream that goes along with it.)

friday night was different.
i just cried.
silent tears welled up. and it overtook me.
nothing strong. no sobbing.
my BFF said it was a "good cry".

she poses that it's just everything coming down at once with low-quality sleep and no breaks among other things.
made sense to me.

oh, and The Mr. was fantastic about the whole thing. it really came as a big surprise to both of us. nothing prompted such big raindrop tears. and i assure you, my head wasn't upset at the time at all.
and, i guess it was a good cry.
i know The Mr. made me feel comforted, and that was a very nice feeling.

i thought the crying was a fluke.
and maybe it was.
but yesterday was. not. good.
and i cried for the better part of the evening. until bean went to bed (hallelujah 7:30!) & i could just get the day out of my system. i vegged in front of a movie (which turned out to be a little depressing. woops).

i'm not sure what happened exactly.
the morning was good. we had a playdate & all was well.
until she kinda refused her rest-time. (this crazy girl has stopped napping.... doesn't help)
and from my going upstairs a zillion times in 30 mins, i ended it. with explicit instructions that THIS IS MY REST TIME TOO and to come downstairs, but leave me alone. (in a pleasant tone, of course!)

from there, she was constantly underfoot.
testing and pestering me. being particularly needy. clumsy, even.
it was just a hard and frustrating 1/2 day.

so i called The Mr. crying. (travel this week. prob'ly doesn't help matters)
ohmigod how awful i felt about that. i just didn't know what to do!
i wanted his opinion on if i should go ahead and up my dose or not.
he was suuuuuuuppper busy at work and had his own difficult day.
and for the life of me, i don't know WHY i can't just stop needing him during those times.
talk about being particularly needy!
that kind of shit is one thing that annoys the hell out of me.
it's a cycle i don't know how to break.
i get depressed.....i need him (too much. inopportune times. annoying)...... which makes me more depressed.
he was great, don't misread that. he didn't see it like that at all.

it didn't help matters that i had written a semi-good/semi-important email to him just yesterday morning. so i felt like i ruined any good of that.
again, he says he didn't see it like that.

and ohmigosh just like that i have to leave this with thoughts somewhat not wrapped-up, as the bean is not having a good morning, and i must brace myself for the day ahead.....
.......

3 weeks plus

so this past week was/is hard for me.
probably a lot of factors were involved, and the crux of it is that i just didn't feel OK just because of the medicine. in fact, in some ways, it was more depressing--- just because i feel like i'm trying EVERYTHING. (even meds, which i did not want to go to!)
it doesn't help that i had another week alone. after having The Mr. home for about 2 months with no travel, i couldn't help but get spoiled. and begin my [serious] quest for getting better. i began eating better, exercising, etc....
having him gone just throws me into a different kind of loop.
plus not having any break at all (since it's summer, i don't get my tuesday mornings).

in fact, i went to lunch today b/c The Mr. & i were tired of her whining incessantly just because we have the audacity to- um, parent- her! so i went alone. and that was the first hour i'd had to myself in three weeks. unless you count the hour when everyone slept before her birthday party. but since i was cooking & preparing..... no, i don't count that!

let's add to the fact that with The Mr. traveling, and my 2 friends having different obligations these past few weeks, has left me NO time to go to therapy.

i guess i did all this stuff while i had a lot of opportunity to, and then BAMMO! it all ended pretty abruptly.

i have grand plans for September, and am very much looking forward to my not one, but three mornings a week! and that's always aided in my depression. still, my trips & plans aren't here yet. so i manage.

so, in a nutshell, is Celexa working for me? how in the hell am i really supposed to tell?

overall, my stats lately could be compiled as:
insomnia- maybe a 3. i've been waking early or in the middle of the night (sometimes without reason) & that's been a challenge for me going back to sleep in a timely manner since the bean came along.

dry mouth- comes & goes. some days it's a 1. right at this moment it's a 4. so maybe i'll say 3

libido- has been a moot point, so it's hard to determine. i guess it's appropriately here (enough) when it needs to be. not sure if The Mr. would complain...

nausea- 1

drowsiness- gosh, this one's hard, too. it also comes and goes. but i will say it's the one that i notice more often when it's the afternoon and i just need a nap. but i dunno- would you feel that way if you had a whiny 3year old still prone to tantrums that won't nap herself? in any case, i guess i'll give this one a 3.5
it seems that most of the time if i'm involved with doing something, i can be just fine. it's when the end of rest time comes that i feel it the most. maybe it's a little longing on my part. (ha)

from what my prescribing doc & my therapist has told me & what the wonderful world of google has led me to believe, it generally takes up to 6 weeks to feel a mark of progress.

so bring on week 4.
The Mr. will be gone again, but i have grand plans of bringing the bean to the beach to visit my longtime BFF! (Constantine will be taking care of the cats!) although it will be sad (he won't get to witness all the fun) & stressful (he won't be there for the travel help or general 2 parents can be easier than one especially in a different place), i will be highly anticipating hanging out w/ my friend and her daughter as we vent, laugh, eat & experience fun things with our girls!

hopefully i will feel more like myself!

so far

well, it's day 19. and i just haven't really had a chance to write.
and honestly, even now, i'm not going to put in the effort originally planned for.

overall these last few days, drowsiness has probably been my biggest side-effect. never reaching 5 status, but that's what i've noticed. i've actually noticed it more at night (go figure) and this past weekend, i never slept very well. so by the end of the day, i was bound to be drowsy. whether or not celexa has anything to do with it, i'll never know.

i wouldn't say i've been troubled with insomnia, per se. i've gone to sleep easily. but have woken up for one reason or another too early and had to move downstairs to go back to sleep; never having slept very well afterwards.

the past two nights, i've had bouts of vivid dreams. that is not uncommon for me. but on these days--- nothing terrible like some of my nightmares, but just fast-paced/never feeling rested. bizarre dreams that take up much of the night.

i will say that so far there's been no "cure" for me with these meds. which, i guess is somewhat good if you think about it, because now i know that my good days of the past few weeks were just my normal fluctuations; and not necessarily the meds. tho i wish i could say for certain b/c something needs to change.
today's not a good day, though.

i've noticed i still feel whatever it is i feel. i still have horrible thoughts (often; & many times upon my first thoughts of waking), but the 2 weeks or so i've had no trouble just pushing them away. things have been enjoyable with the scale & The Mr. plus i have made some plans for the near future. looking forward to excitement has ALWAYS helped me with my depression! so all that was always bound to help my moods anyway. and today, even though the scale is still OK; The Mr. is away [Constantine, the key is in the usual place....] and i find myself reverting back to some of my moods & crappy thoughts.
some of which i can completely understand. some of which i'm just damn tired of.

i hope this won't continue. i need something to change.

day 6

i'm still in the half-pill stage.
actually, my first whole pill will be on the bean's THIRD birthday.
that right there is enough to send me into depression-oblivion!
wow.

anyway, i'm nervous for taking the whole thing b/c if i (may) already be affected by insomnia & drowsy, The Mr. is traveling that week for work.
(oh, hi--- my one reader. now you know he'll be gone. doubtful this is read by anyone else, but shall anyone happen upon this post, let me assure you that though The Mr. will be gone, my hulking lover Constantine [he will crush you!] will be coming back from his Mr. Heavyweight Championship on Sunday to keep me company of course)

with the few half-pills under my belt, i'm seeing/feeling no big progress. of course, i didn't expect anything different.
but last night i felt the same way i feel many times when i'm just disconnected. i went to bed agitated. of course i realize that the pill isn't going to cure all my woes in life.
it just sucks when i really think i'm doing about all i can do here, and still things (without warning) sometimes go in just the same way.

arrrghhh

ok. so
insomnia- 1. actually, wasn't that bad, considering my agitated state. i did wake up a little early, but nothing insane. 6am can be considered normal for non-lazy people.
drowsy- 2
dry mouth- 2
nausea- 1.5
libido- 0 (moot point right now)

skeptical, statistic

so it's kinda official.
i am not thrilled to be a statistic (or will be starting tomorrow) concerning being one of the bazillions out there who are being treated for depression with medication.
and i am quite skeptical.

i am deciding to blog about this quite personal subject because i think i need to have a record-of-sorts as i venture into this unknown. i have a great tendency to make my memory fuzzy & vague if it's something important, especially to my health.

so here it is.

just the run-down of it:
my depression symptoms are here & there. just a persistent feeling that is sometimes better/worse than others.
no particular "trigger".

currently- i guess on a scale of 1-10, today would be a 4.5. tho' admittedly, tonight is a 6 because i guess i'm feeling a little anxious about taking the medicine starting tomorrow. however, i guess the 6 has more to do with the anxiety and not necessarily the depression.

disclaimer- it doesn't help that i'm quite tired today after losing about 2hrs of sleep again last night when i got up b/c of the bean. i've been pretty draggy all day. (and you see i'm not yet sleeping b/c i need to get this out of my head)

the medicine is a generic form of Celexa.

i feel skeptical about it for a few reasons, one of which is that i know this isn't some sort of magic pill that will suddenly erase things i'm unhappy with in my life. nor will it amnesia-fy me.
dammit.

another reason for my skepticism is that because i've been dealing with this crap for forever, and medication is supposed to be so subtle... ummmm i don't know how the hell i'm supposed to know if it's "working".

there are other reasons, too, i guess. but those are the main ones.

so here, i open up fully so that i can have documentation of whether or not this is "working" for me.
and if it doesn't.....
???????

cobwebs & crickets

i'd love to dust off the cobwebs of this blog. in a few ways, it's my favorite blog to write. but of course... it's the one i devote so little time to. i've been mentioning (too much) how yaddayadda i don't know what to say blahblahblah nobody bothers to read this anyway woeismeyaddayaddayadda but i know i should do better.

oh how many things i need to improve upon.
i am currently doing what i can to work on myself. in terms of my marriage, my parenting, my frustrations with the cards i have been dealt, and--- well, myself itself.

it's a very frustrating process. some of my closest pals have asked with concern how things are faring. am i any happier/wiser/better. and i don't really have an answer to that.

honestly- i feel overwhelmed. just because i'm trying to correct/adapt to/accept everything at once. all the while doing whatever it is that i normally do in a day.

i'm tracking moods, foods & potty training progresses. i'm reading books, blogs, recipes & old writings. i'm skimming pictures of happy days, sad memories & old videos. i'm trying new recipes, new ideas & even attempted meditation. i'm dreaming of the future, regretting some past & longing for better.

i feel .... hmmm.... what is it i feel?

i need to change pretty much all of who i am. most of which (obviously) i cannot change: events that occured, body image, self-perception & temperament.
i know i need to be happy(er) with my life to be a better mom to jovie, a better wife to The Mr. & a better friend to the ones i still have.

i know this.
i need to fix this.
i haven't a clue.

pretty much my whole life i've felt like i was doing it wrong.

& that's changed only for the worse, as becoming a mother has put a magnifying glass on everything/life. it's given importance to me, where i've never felt important before. self-induced or not- not measuring up is quite difficult.

every time i tell myself to shutup and stoppit... [b/c y'all--- i really do have a WONDERFUL life!]... i think to how great it really is and have all these cuddly memories to feel. until i get to a memory that is not so cuddly. and it cycles me all back around again.

damn. i need therapy.
oh yeah. i've been going to therapy for about 9mos now. mostly weekly.
see? i'm even doing that wrong.

so, how do i feel?
overwhelmed, tired, dejected, lost, angry, frustrated, sad, bored, minor, stupid, wrong, overwhelmed, pathetic, unable, annoyed, nostalgic, jealous, pissed, crazy, less than, overwhelmed & neglected.

.......i haven't wanted to utter any of this BS on my blog. but as i came to it i saw i haven't written in months- hardly at all in over a year.... i know it's been sitting here collecting internet-dust. and there's crickets chirping all around it. i figured now's as good a time as any.

so please.... pardon my rant.

eight

to think the last time we spent this day apart was eight years ago.
and some of the same feelings arise. i miss you- again.

i know our wedding day could've been so much better. hell, our engagement period even had some bad moments.
i'm sorry it wasn't everything i/we'd hoped for.

but coming down the aisle, and finally looking into your eyes made me believe that everything was going to be alright with that day.
and, it wasn't.
but it didn't matter.

even eight years later, in my darkest & saddest moments, sometimes i conjure up that feeling again of finally seeing you on september fourteenth 'oh-two.
of looking across the aisle while the deacon was speaking and just soaking in that- that right there.
of being able to hold hands & exchange rings--- and how you liked how i did it. (those many episodes of TLC's "Wedding Story" really paid off)
of waiting for the song of eternity to finally end so we could be married.
of that kiss.
of walking down the aisle -with you this time.

i like remembering that.

so, tonight i will likely pop in the only hazy dark video we have of our wedding (that incidentally showed pretty much everything, except for the one thing i want- the kiss!).
i will peruse our albums.
and i will remember fondly why it is we are still here.

eight years later.

maybe a project of mine should be scanning our photos so we have them digitally. one would've come in handy right about now.

out of touch

*whew! my relays are over. that's been nice. it seemed to be timed fairly well b/c now i'm so very zapped. and uncomfortable at times. i'm glad i am not staying up all night for work.

however, i'm still so out of touch w/ what i should be doing---- excercise, anyone? ha! can't even walk a flight of stairs, much less 1/4 of my n'hood. how bout them veggies? yeah. how bout 'em??
god it's a miracle little bean is thriving!

but it's not just me that's been out of touch.
my darling The Mr. has been as well... he left last week for a 2 week stint in maastricht, holland on business. & this time he's been fortunate to go w/ a co-worker friend of his. they're living it up.
he thinks i'm mad at him b/c he's out everynight. actually, he doesn't even understand that w/ the 6 hour time difference, it's difficult to have a conversation w/ him if he gets home at midnight!! every. single. night.
he has been working soooo incredibly hard! this project has got him zapped as well. but he's doing great at it! he's like a one-man show!!! & they all know it. (and work him death b/c of it). so i understand he needs his downtime. b/c on the weekends, he's taking care of house chores and lawn and pool and the "kittens".

but he just hasn't realized that i'm over here. about 8 months pregnant. missing The Mr. and NOT having the time of my life. I AM the one who loves to travel. it's me that wants to soak up everything he's doing. not b/c i'm going to fight with him.... but b/c i've never experienced holland before!!!

doesn't help that he doesn't have cell coverage, so we can't talk just any ol' time. basically, i'm on his time. and that's usually a rather quick i-m since it's so late.
i'll leave him daily emails to catch him up on his life back home, or things i'm doing..... but that's no fun compared to the fun he's been having.

so, we're very much out of touch right now.
& that breaks my heart.... b/c we're losing precious time together as it is......

happy crapday

a sad void: not getting the birthday card from your mom.

a sad phrase: "mommy wishes michelle a happy birthday."

a sad sight: sympathy cards & birthday cards on the same counter.

a sad event: having your mom's funeral mass on your birthday, and having the opening lines spoken by your uncle -the priest from brazil -as stated above.

a sad bond: your sister acknowledging that we're too young to be orphans; giving me a birthday "party" in the midst of this; making my birthday brighter than hers.... when her own was marred by the loss of our mother just 5 days earlier.

i CAN'T believe it's been a year.....
it hurts like yesterday.