umpteenth

this is the umpteenth post i've thought about writing.
i just never do because i can't formulate my thoughts complete enough.

i'm still here.

and speaking of umpteenth, i am starting yet another medication.
ohmygod the ups and downs!
finally found something that more or less worked, but the side effects are such that Dr. NewGuy wants me off. and to begin something ELSE.
this is like my 6th medication?????  
holy hell.

generally speaking, things have been fine.  in the last month i've felt a little more up than down.  the holidays came and went and were fun.  i thrive in that busy time of fun!

since i wrote last, i turned 40 and had a wonderful blast with some of my closest girlfriends in a mountain house.  so now plans are being made to do a mother/daughter trip late this summer. 
other plans are being made for spring break and summer.....  things are nice right now.

i'm disgruntled at the newest medicine.  i will fill it and begin later this week.....
hope to be back to document!

surreality

a few surreal things have occurred recently.  in no particular order of importance:

The Mr. will miss our 12th wedding anniversary because he is exactly where he was a year ago when he missed our 11th anniversary. [ obviously, no, i didn't come with.]i am constantly being challenged with the concept of the time change.  it's fun to share with The Bean, too.  we get a kick out of knowing that we wake up when he goes to sleep.
However, time really does seem warped to know that he sent me an anniversary card from the airport when he left.  it came to me as he landed.
it makes sense since his travel day was pretty much 24hrs, but when you put it that way, it just felt pretty surreal.

********

this morning, The Bean asked me if we ever went to Callaway Gardens.  I told her we went when she was a baby.  so after breakfast, i pulled up her blog & showed her a few of the pix I had posted.  which led to a couple of other posts.  which led to me just randomizing my blog...  she was pretty captivated and she captivated me by reading my words back to me.

that's surreal enough- but another great thing-  she gets my humor! 

********

 i have been having lots of deep dreams again, lately.  this is nothing new to me.  whether it is brought about because of (yet another) medication i really can't tell.  what i do know is these are surreal, yes, but not as evil or dark or scary as some of mine can be (medicated or not)

********

 i am currently typing this while watching the Ohio State, Virginia Tech game.  surreal that i care a damn about football that's not even Clemson.  surreal that VT is up by 2 TD's after OSU missed not one but 2 field goal attempts.  the fact that I even know that is surreal is surreal in itself.

********

unfortunately there is some surreal shit going on in my family that is not at all what would be expected (even from my crazy family).    it's life-changing.  and not the good kind.

********

The Bean has had more bouts of odd coincidences.   (The Mr. calls them coincidences.  i'm not sure how to explain them).  

she pretended some squirrels were named Coleman and Lillianna.  Two names that I know in my life; neither of which are amazingly important- but those are not names we know of in her little 6 year old world.  Neither one of them are particularly common.  And who names squirrels anyway??

Also surreal?  she said to me that 90 is old and she doesn't want to be old.  She only wants to be 40.  anyone who knows me knows that is amazing.  and what 6 year old thinks like that.  At breakfast. when we were not talking about birthdays or ages or old or anything that could have led her to this statement.

and lastly?  she spoke in such a way that I seriously had to consider if something is ESP if your own mind is blank.  I will be posting that story on her blog next.....

ramblings

oh so much mulling in my mind......

....we had a completely marvelous spring break!  TN was awesome.  everyone enjoyed each other for the most part.  except for watching a very distressing/realistic depiction of *something* in season 3 of Downton Abbey & a couple of moments from the bean, it was perfect!

....i can't wait for the next state! we (i) haven't planned where we're going this summer yet.  but we'll definitely do something.  i have a map in our bonus room that i'm coloring in as we go.  unfortunately, it's not working out as i planned.  i had hoped to go see my friend that moved to AR this past summer.  when i saw where she was, i see she's on the edge so that woulda given us an opportunity to see 3 states!  however, sadly we just aren't friends anymore.  once she left she left.  it breaks my heart but i can't constantly reach out only to be left hanging.  she warned me she's like that.  i just didn't think she'd be like that with me.

.... i just dropped the bean off at school (!!!) and i had that typical cliche moment where she looked back at me.  and yeah.  cliche abound.  that shit really does get to you.

....The Mr. & i watched the NCAA basketball championship.... ie "pick'ems"  we had a wager on it.  it was the most exciting set of games we've seen probably ever.  it was fun! and as down to the wire most of those games were, our brackets were too and The Mr. won by 2pts.  now i have to watch an episode of the ever stupid "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia".   used to watch that show with him; then i realized i'm not a 10 year old boy.

...have intended to write posts on Dr. New Guy and meds and all....  the short of it is i am off all meds right now (and have been for about 2 months). 
he upped what was working for me. but that wasn't working for me.  so he took me off & said take a break for about a month with intention of starting #4 (!!).  i could also go back to #3 first dose if i wanted.
i don't know what i want.
i was dealing with some other major issues & feel i handled it well- unmedicated.  so now i don't know i don't know i don't know.

...our winter is over- though every time i go to weather.com i see the red warning headline that SOMEONE out there is expecting 12" snow again.  we had 2 "snows", along with those "cold" days.
the day before Easter was cloudy, dark, rainy & cold.  i couldn't believe it was actually Easter.  however, wake up sunday and it was our typical spring lovely.

...& the night before Easter, The Mr. & i went to see Lion King at the Fox.
i'm sad to say that it wasn't as astoundingly wonderful as i'd been told/hoped/thought.
yes it was a good night out.  yes the costumes were innovative.  but, i don't know.  it was just not the oomph we had hoped for.
same with Book of Mormon. 
[those 2 shows alone are what drove us to buy season tickets]
to be fair, Lion King isn't my all-time-fave anyway.  i have probably only seen it 2ce; and not in ages.

...however we decided we will bring the bean to The Little Mermaid on her birthday this year (great timing!) and that is one of my fave disney shows. i hope this one will be better!

...it's been a year since i got to go to Utah and boy am i frustrated.  i have instilled a pact w/ my 2 friends to spur us all on. and for some reason it's just not working for me.  even on my really really good days i'm not moving the scale (in the right direction) very much.  zaps my motivation for sure.  along with that month i was dealing with all the other stuff. i just can't focus.
really wish i could get my motivation back (meds??) because THIS is as much vacation as i'm gonna have this year.... 6 hours of school each day.  and that is quickly winding down.

okay- i guess i should be done rambling for now.  hope to be back with a proper post soon.

statistics

i have always loved statistics. 
i have never formally studied them, but i always love when magazines give data.  surveys.  percentages. 
back in the olden days (before the gods invented tivo) we had to watch these snippets on TV called commercials.  you guys- they aren't just for superbowl sunday!
anyways, i used to be fairly keen on targeted demographics of such commercials.  i guess i would be more apt to notice if they missed their target audience. 

i digress.

i had always wanted to take a statistics course in college.  the closest i came was a grad-level course at USC (go cocks!)  (heh.... bet that just earned me some google hits)  (and some squinty enemy eyes from my tiger friends.- GO TIGERS)
the course was about educational assessment methods.  i was fascinated*.
[i have a 4.0 in my only class of grad school!]

The Mr. has recently suggested that part of my dire mood could be attributed to my normal round of cabin fever.  i always have been down in summers b/c school would be out and i'd have nothing to stress about/focus on.
he wisely suggested i work on something to focus my time so i get out of this shitty slump i can't seem to shake.

when we were talking about what to even do, i mentioned statistics and he brightened up and (easily) found a free site that is essentially a statistics course.

unfortunately, it has been put by the wayside b/c i'm trying to trek my way through not one, not two, but THREE self-help books re: my shitty disposition.  so my time is involved with either vegging out b/c those workbooks are taking a lot out of me, or taking the time to slog through them.

however, i have been keeping up with my own statistics... so that should the need arise, i can share more data with my next doctor b/c we are still unsure about what my "ailments" are about.  this came about b/c for the first several days of '13 i was being plagued by headaches.

so, a snippet of my own personal statistical data:

in one month, i have:  

• been depressed 52% of the time.  (the other half hasn't been happy; but it just wasn't significant enough for me to call myself depressed.  it basically was just existing)
• had headaches 28% of the time
• been nauseated 9%
• had caffeine 130% of the time.  which translates into only one day of having no caffeine.  incidentally, that day i did not have a headache.
• had one root canal due to my shitty luck and amazing coordination.
• had incredible bouts of sleepiness 6 days.  one of those days being i dropped off littlegirl, read aforementioned help-book for 15 minutes and was overcome to sleep for 1.5hrs.  in the MORNING.
• had social visits/outings 19 days.
• had 1 1/2 nights of some new oddity affecting my sleep.

if you want to know what i've eaten (nothing particularly healthy) i can tell you about every morsel.  i can also tell you how many times we've had sex (hey! another google hit), and when i was told "i love you".....
i'm trying to track everything!

so glad i like statistics.


*this class was so cool.  and i got an A after writing a paper- true story- about how i cannot write this paper.  my argument was valid.  four point oh!

envy

oh, the many things i'm envious of.
i'm envious of people who feel so comfortable in themselves.

that's probably the crux of it.
if you know who you are and are comfortable with yourself--- so many other wonderful things come to play.  you automatically have a much more peaceful outlook on life.  you are likely surrounded by friends who adore you and would celebrate moments with you.  you have a strong, healthy marriage, and possibly even kids you adore.  you likely have a strong spiritual feeling.  be it christian (mostly- especially here in the south), or some other ideals that drive you.

i struggle.

i don't know shit about who i am or what i want in life.
and i am certainly not comfortable with many parts of me (if any at all).

not saying i have nothing.  i have so much.  i know.  i'm an idiot!

i get envious when i read some of my favorite blogs.
they are all so very well-written.  and in-tune with themselves.  they have overcome their own struggles.  they realize that.  they can appreciate it.  and they can grow from that.
not me.

i flounder.

they all have wonderful moments that are captured in their writing.  even things that are less-than perfect for them, come across so very well.  but it's more than just the writing.  it's the moments.  the general love they are enveloped with.
they are surrounded by friends and family who support them. they all have such an online presence that drives them.
more than that, they (seem to) have the ability to commiserate (if that's the word i'm looking for) with others.  i'm not so sure i work quite that way.

for instance- believe me- i KNOW i'm not the only one who struggles. i also know that my "problems" are nothing compared to many people.  which makes me feel more like an ass for feeling so down about things. i know things generally get better.  but it doesn't really help me to hear someone say that to me.  or the me too statement.  which i am guilty of saying all the time!.  i think it reminds me of me, actually.  and that drives me crazy.

so, i'm envious of the people who find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.
look at the internet.  if you come up with the craziest problem- i'm pretty sure someone else can commiserate.  and top it.

so, my rant here is no different and waaaaaayyyyy less poignant of the many blogs i enjoy reading who can complain without complaint.  who can look at their adverse problems & come out on top.  knowing (knowing!) they will be stronger because of it.
either them, their kid, their marriage their finances---whatever.  stronger!?!

i'm pissed of the fact that i have a wonderful life.  yet i'm filled with envy.
i am tired of not knowing the right answers and always feeling less-than.
i'm tired of struggling, floundering, and jealous-ing.

i don't know how to quit.
i envy people who can rock it in therapy.
i envy people who don't need therapy!
i even envy the people who just don't bother to look at themselves/lives so critically.  who don't worry about these types of things.  b/c they are fine.  i want to be truly fine.
i envy people who know how to stand up for themselves.  who know how to make their point and be convincing.
i envy the fun i see portrayed all around, and wonder why i can't carry good times in my memory to sustain me.  i envy people who know how to do that.

i have always always been very "grey".
it is very hard to be that way.

persons unknown

seems that The Mr. and i haven't quite made our mark yet...

our mailman mistakenly delivered magazines to us b/c both of our address #s is 170.  so littlegirl and i went on a stroll so i could put them in the right mailbox.  the lady was outside and as i gave them to her, we talked for a few minutes.  

first, she said she's getting ready for the "neighborhood yard sale"  which, of course, i know nothing about.  
then, she asked where i live.  when i told her, she said "oh the Smiths??" to which i responded "yes, the Smiths house ten years ago".  of course, that prompted her to ask how long we've lived here.  
that would be 10 years.

when i met my first friend in the neighborhood about 7 years ago, i had the same reaction.  she asked if we just moved in.  i said "no, we've lived here for 3 years now"

granted we don't have an HOA in our neighborhood, so i don't know anyone either.  so i'm not sure how i was to know about the yard sales and such.  but still.  The Mr. are out and about in our n'hood waaaaay more than most people.  we always work outside or take walks.
in one instance, i was referred as "oh! you're the lady with the stroller!"

i was just telling my friend that when we lived in our apartment, i couldn't wait  to be in a neighborhood so i can meet neighbors....




**and i got the title idea from a great little show that shouldn't have been canceled that The Mr. and i only just discovered on Netflix streaming.  guess we've been too busy hanging out with our neighbors.

there's an "I" in FAIL

i'm pretty discouraged right now.

because i have not been feeling well for the past six weeks, that has affected a lot of my 2012 goals.
this is the first year i even made goals.
and i only did that because i had a lot to look forward to, and looking back at 2011 was neat.

so:
all of my exercise goals are lagging.
i have been extremely fatigued, headachy, nauseous & yucky for several weeks. there have been other strange symptoms that have crept up over the weeks as well.
we have found that even though i feel horrible without exercising, exertion only exacerbates the situation.
-- case in point, i ran 1.4 miles on sunday and had a perpetual headache until i went to sleep on monday night. this is not the only 24hr+ headache i've endured.

i did finish the first butts & gutts class; but had to get a refund for the class currently in progress.

i did not make the 30miles in 30 days; i was 4miles shy.
i am choosing not to run my first 10k next week; even though i did have some good runs... some up to 6 miles!

i did cash in one groupon for the body wrap; but called in sick for yesterday's. of course, i see no progress. but in all fairness; with not feeling well, it's been harder to eat better and exercise.

as for the birthday present for The Mr., due to issues that i can't control, that may be put on the wayside as well. but we can talk about that later as it gets closer.

i'm so frustrated with all of this.
it seems that i'm the only person on the planet who begins to exercise as we all should, and it makes it worse!

went to the doctor today for bloodwork (!!!!) and so now, we wait.
some more.
and until then......

bluck.

you can't spell fail without the i

things i'm really into right now:

the haunting song "Someone I Used to Know" by Gotye, featuring Kimbra
(i dare you to play that song only once. i've tried.... don't think it's possible)

the hilariously ironic song "The Walk" by Mayer Hawthorne
(he is from some bygone era. it's so refreshing)

the extremely well-written book "Born to Run" by Christopher McDougall
even if you don't like to run, this book is so amazing, intriguing, and fascinating. there's some history, anthropology and seemingly fantasy all wrapped up in this book about a hidden tribe in Mexico. and it's so well-written that you truly think you can just wake up and run 50miles tomorrow.

and shamefully i'll admit, i've also been more interested in The Bachelor this season, mainly because i really like Ben. or, as the blogger that i watch this stupid show for (lincee) calls him: Groban.
truthfully, i watch this show because lincee & "some guy" do a great job of making me laugh about the recaps. it is so disgusting & shallow, and nothing that will come of this will last; but ben is doing a good job of being the bachelor. i really like how he (FINALLY) gives explanations with his rose hand-outs. very refreshing. but, yes... juvenile
i will say, though, that i will NOT be watching at all next season, and will miss lincee & DP very much!

so, guys... what are you really into right now?

12 in '12

in no particular order, my aspirations for this year:

1. run my first 10K (and it's ok, too, if it's my last!) March 10th
   
2. take a month-long gym class called "Butts & Gutts" currently in progress
   
3. work with my trainer again when B&G is over. hopefully begin in Feb.
   
4. cash in my groupon for five! body wraps. i've thought to do this for a long time, and the groupon was just too good to pass up! i will be blogging about this process. i am the only one i know to use this service! 1st one in Feb.
   
5. i will be doing something special for The Mr.'s birthday; however, i won't blog about that until June. (no spoilers here)
6. going with my BFF for our 3rd annual galpal getaway! this time we will be zip-lining through some trees in Asheville, NC. this spring
   
7. grow out my nails again
8. run 30 miles in the next 4 weeks- as per my goal on Nikeplus.com. (i'm loving my nano 6 with nike fitness The Mr. gave me for xmas this year!) running tomorrow. hopefully 4 miles or so...
   
9. also joining the nike challenge to run 212 miles in 2012. i'm 18.25 miles in
   
10. try to find inspiration & decisions toward my next [part time] job. (my baby will be going to school in 2 short years! what will i do with all that free time???)
11. learn more about my new little camera i bought in time for thanksgiving. (sony cybershot)
12. use said knowledge on our AMAZING trip to europe (still yet unplanned) for our 10th wedding anniversary. (what??? already?) early fall/late summer
    

one for "the couch"

i'm pretty sure my therapist would love to know that positive thinking usually backfires on me. i'm so mired in negative thoughts about all things mpotter, that even when i do try to be positive- the negative occurs.

most recent case in point:

today, before my run i said "this run is going to be GOOD. it's perfect weather. i had a great workout yesterday. i had a terrific run on saturday. this will be great!"

instead, i had on OK first half. then the second half didn't work out so well. tired legs (from "great workout") and bad pacing to give me breath-cramps forced me to walk a few times, and i didn't end up doing my full route.

grrrrrrr

been okay

just a quick FYI, since writing the last post, i've had no more crying jags.
i know i had felt a little sullen a few times, but that was it.
i guess i wouldn't up my dose for that little bit.

the bean was fine on that day, actually. she woke up too early, but woke up happy. and played contentedly for a loooonnnnnnggggg time & let me rest/doze on the couch. that helped me a lot. and the afternoon went better than i would have expected.

it was nice when The Mr. came home. it felt comforting. (and that, is a great feeling!)
the weekend went by pretty quickly (thus no update... sorry i left ya hangin) and we went to visit some of my giant family.
actually, that was the first time we'd seen them in more than a year & a half, and the bean handled the large crowd very well. that was great!

The Mr. was great at soothing her & getting her to sleep in the hotel. this was the first time we stayed in one where she wasn't in a portacrib. and she's becoming more & more sensitive to sounds/fear. she didn't really like being in her own part of the suite at first. but all went well.

so hooray.
i have therapy today.
right now i feel a little muddled- but i know once i get started, things will be fine.

thanks for checking in.

a month plus

it's been a little over a month; and i guess that's about the time where many people start to feel the effects of their medicines for depression. am i just begrudging everything myself? because i am still very non-commital to how this is affecting me.

the past week or so have been good/fine. again- things in my life vs. meds, it's really hard to tell. last week i had both therapy & my dr. appt to discuss celexa, and to both of them, i explained pretty much everything i've been saying here- that it's hard for me to know.

i've ALWAYS been so up & down at different times with no pattern to be seen. and right now, i'm definitely up. but then, as i've mentioned, i've lost weight & kept it off. The Mr. is showing kindness & affections, and i've planned quite a few excursions for myself/our family. (in fact, i recently got back from visiting my BFF in charleston!) the hour massage i had today didn't hurt my mood, either.

my doc wanted to know if i should up the dosage, but we agreed that since i'm not feeling bad with the meds, and life is OK for now, i should just keep on keepin' on. but i will call her if i slip into another bad week & then i'll be told to have 1.5 pills each day.

i will say that my side effects i've basically forgotten about. so either the meds have made me accustomed to them, or they were my normal side effects from depression. (i mentioned at the start of all this that my insomnia-related problems began a few weeks before the medicine began)

maybe drowsiness has increased. The Mr. worked from home every day last week except for monday. he so wonderfully & graciously allowed me to sleep in til 8:30! (Thanks, bean for sleeping in, too) yesterday i was suuuuupppper lazy. and had a wonderful nap listening to a wonderful summer storm.

libido has been appropriate. there when it should be. there's been a lot of "moot point" days.

insomnia has been better. for the past week & 1/2, i have been able to get back to sleep, even after getting the bean & taking her to the bathroom.

so, does celexa work for me?
for now, i guess so. at least, it doesn't hurt.

i just know that i don't wanna go back and forth trying a buncha different medications. this will probably be my one good shot.

good enough

i am trying to accept being an adult. (grrr)
in so doing, i voluntarily went for a physical (read: bloodwork!)
i was only doing it because i'd never had one done. the only cholesterol check i'd ever had was more than a decade ago.

i didn't really expect anything to come out of these results, but was interested in seeing some of these numbers.

well, i hate/detest/despise/fear needles. but i put my big-girl panties on and went "all by myself!" (i can hear littlebean saying those exact words in my head right now).
and when i got the results back, i was amazed at alllllll the millllllions of things they "test".
incidentally, they did not test my iron. i didn't know there was a big push for knowing potassium levels and other random stuff like that. but iron? that one should've been on there. luckily (or unluckily, i guess) that gets tested every year at my other (girlie) appointment.

anyway... of all the zilllllion little numbers and odds & ends on the report, everything was in the normal range. there may have been a couple of things that were in the upper parts. but there wasn't anything on there that my doc suggested i curb/watch out for/etc...

all is well.

so, see, y'all--- a diet riddled with kraft deluxe & doritos is JUST FINE. my veggie "heyday" has been over for, oh, about 2 1/2 years now. and though i really like most fruits, i still don't eat them. and for some reason or another, i have managed to bypass whatever whole grain bread i've had in the house for the past few months.

i guess that's good enough!

i'll probably wait another 36 years to have my next physical (read: bloodwork!)

...and here comes April

really? is it march already? how can that be, i just posted a few days ago, and that was in late february. oh wait--- march is essentially over now? hmmmm

so, as you can tell, i haven't written in awhile.
i post on Little Bean's blog about weekly. mainly because it's the only way i can let her only grandparents stay in the loop about things.

this blog is not for family. and truthfully, i just don't have a lot going on that you'd be interested to know. sad but true fact: my life is basically wrapped in her life, and you can read about that at her blog if you so choose.

i think i may just start posting random stories & such just so i can keep up the blog.
maybe one day i'll have my own thoughts/identity...
i've requested before: don't give up on me.
thanks for coming by!

oh, and if you feel like jogging my thoughts at all, feel free to share a thought or ask a question or something.

Bonus! 50% more FREE

here, i give you TWO posts for the price of ONE...

#1: oh no, don't be a pattern!:
i just mentioned that we gave Little Bean her first taste of food on my other blog.
well, i've been mixing my milk with the rice cereal. only after yesterday's good feeding, i didn't have any more saved. and i forgot to defrost some i had in the freezer.
so i decided to mix her cereal with some formula that i had gotten from a doctor** (see post #2)
the formula is liquid, so there was no extra mixing. this would be her very first taste of formula. and maybe she doesn't like it so much?

she's been eating very well. but today- 2 bites and lots of tears. i gave her a few bites through the crying; but ultimately i just threw it all out.
sooooo i guess i failed at one of the first parenting taboos: picky eating.
it didn't even dawn on me to be all "this is what i made & that's what you get". maybe it's because she can't understand crap right now. or b/c feeding itself is all so new, i don't want to force it on her.
or maybe it's because i'm beginning a pattern?
since before i even got pregnant, i worried about the baby with food.
again, i'm being hypocritical. & i hate that.

but me?? The Pickiest Eater Alive?? how am i going to instill good eating habits to my impressionable baby? just the other day, The Mr. & i remarked how soon enough, we're going to actually have to start eating---vegetables--- *shudder*.
hmmmm, i should have eaten them while i was pregnant. & now while i'm nursing. if those 2 reasons aren't good enough, how will i begin to do this correctly???

i used to go to bed all the time w/o dinner. i was a master at moving food around (and sometimes even in the toilet). i cried through many a dinner, eating one bean from inside the string bean at a time. i learned how to swallow corn whole (one at a time) b/c i couldn't stand biting into it and feeling the squish. how many times did i actually gag b/c i had to try a bite of something (cauliflower comes to mind. and beets). i remember having oatmeal for dinner some nights when i was very young. or even better- scrambled eggs in the microwave.
there were some things my mom would keep out for me.... like spaghetti. (mine's just butter. no sauce)

so- how in the world am i -me- ms. "does popcorn count as a vegetable?"-going to be a good example for this little girl???
oh my!

BONUS post #2:
why in the hell would a doctor give me formula for my baby when she knows i'm breastfeeding???
conversation went something like this at her 1month appt:
---um, she's a very fussy baby. won't nap. needs to be held. all. the. time. screams and cries like you wouldn't believe. still a little gassy. we give her drops before feeding. maybe helping.
dr: how's nursing?
me: oh, it's just fine. she latches well & takes it very well.
dr takes my baby & goes to somewhere w/o me & comes back in w/ a bottle of formula.
dr says: just try this for me.
me: ok, why?
dr: just experiment.
me: experiment with what?
dr: this kind is easily digested.
me: isn't breastmilk easily digested??
dr: yes. just try it. humor me. just to see....
me: what is it we're experimenting? what is it you want me to notice & be on the lookout for???
dr: **** silence **** just try it.

ummmmmm??
ok. soooo i have requested a different doctor in the practice ever since.
and at that first visit (2months), she suggested LB may have "silent reflux". we began to give her baby zantac. & coincidentally, things seemed to have gotten better.

oh, and by the way...i'm not one of those anti-formula people. i am not planning on nursing her till she's 20. i would have given it a try- had she given me any answer as to what she thought it was supposed to help with. but with no reasoning behind it, i felt no need to stop what i was doing.
plus LB doesn't take a bottle, so i can imagine how hard that would've been anyway!

nothing to see here

i have a ton of things swirling around in my head. i wish i could open it up & let it all come out. i hate that i haven't posted very well since becoming a mom.

sometimes i come up w/ a post, but don't write it b/c i lack time & energy in making it sound comprehendable, much less somewhat interesting. sometimes i think i shouldn't complain so much on the blog so i don't write. sometimes i know i shouldn't post what i'm really thinking.

and most times i come up w/ a post- like last night in bed- and i when i go to write it, it's drivel (like this).

it's partly because i didn't want this blog to turn into a blog about the baby. occasionally, fine... but now i see i have no other identity. which i knew would happen to an extent. & i'm fine with it overall. it's just when i want to seem interesting that i realize i have nothing to say if not talking about little bean. other than- gee the weather's awfully foggy today. & oh crap, clemson lost the bowl game.

& if i go to write about something i had planned before baby came along, i realize that's not what i'm thinking/feeling at the moment, so all creativity & energy just leaves it sitting there like the lump that it is.

hopefully i'll get out of this slump very soon.
thanks for stopping by.
i hope 09 is good to us all.

let's talk TiVo

does anybody else out there know that TiVo records itself? i find that hilarious. one of the main benefits of TiVo is to zip through the commercials. but TiVo is so smart, it records commercials of itself. that's a little narcissistic, no? best part is, if you don't catch it in the act, you may not know it. b/c normally it doesn't show up in your queue. The Mr. discovered this while coming downstairs one morning at like 4am & noticing the red light lit up.

recently, however, there was a glitch & it was in our "now playing list" so we watched it. and we now know about benefits of owning a TiVo. (like zipping through commercials & recording dorky shows to have something to watch later weren't enough??)

yes. i realize how much TiVo has a hold over me.
we've had it for 2 years. we debated buying it for probably 2 years before that. it was a birthday present to me from The Mr. & now i can't imagine life w/o it.

soon after we got it, i found myself in the car trying to control the radio much like i do the tv... hey- i only caught a snippit of that funny joke. let me rewind-oops. can't. i like this song. let me pause it to continue this conversation- oops. can't. yes, Tom Shane. i know we "have a friend in the diamond business"... FF please! -oops. can't

i admit there were even a time or two that i wanted to TiVo a live conversation.
guess you could say i was an addict. (or a dork).

but now, more than ever, i want to use my own personal TiVo controller- or a MeVo- to capture moments with LittleBean.
MeVo would let me:

• FF through the screaming and get right down to the naptime, please.
• pause naptime... b/c 45 minutes is not a whole episode thankyouverymuch.
• turn the volume up on those chuckles that happen. also with the coos.
• hit mute for those times in the car & she realizes that -hey! we're in the car!
• rewind that smile. again. again. again.
• get a seasonpass to all those moments that melt my heart (like when i go get her from a nap & she smiles at me ear-to-ear, or when i hold her and she puts her head on my shoulder) while i'm at it, i'll watch in super-slo-mo.
• record such moments & burn them to a dvd to watch when LB will not be smiling at me so much (ages 7-18, i presume).

i know what i'm asking santa for this christmas.

note to self

having a daughter sleep through the night is a good (and apparently rare) thing.
having The Mr. work from home can be a good thing.
holding & caressing your daughter while you feed her is one thing you envisioned and is a good thing.
knowing that just a tiny bit of your life hasn't changed (8pm on...) is a good thing.

don't take it for granted. you'll miss this one day!

status symbol?

in catching up on some of my blog reading, i came across this one about feminism from pregnantly plump. [for some reason, i can't get the link to pull up; my apologies. it's titled: setting back feminism from aug. 31st] which prompted me to decide to write about this:

the other day, i was talking to a friend who called to see if she could come over to meet the bean. while we were talking & catching up, she had asked when i was returning to work. when i mentioned that i wasn't, she said something puzzling.

to be fair, i'm not saying this is her view, or if she truly just "heard" about this---she may've tried to be subtle, but i really couldn't tell. all i know is i've heard about the "feminism debate"; but i hadn't heard this take:

apparently, being a stay-at-home-mom is supposedly some new status symbol. when i asked what she meant, thinking she'd say that it's looked upon as a "noble" choice or "toughest job ever" & all that jazz, i was taken aback at the answer. apparently this status symbol is for The Mr. & how it says a lot that the husband can make so much money that a wife can stay home.

i ask you now: wtf??

ummm, let's re-word that.
how bout it says a lot that a couple can plan and prepare for years to make this choice b/c it's how they view themselves as raising a baby.
let's try: it's a status symbol that 2 working adults can sock away some money if needed in the future.
how bout it measures how smart they are for planning ahead in order to realize the idea.
how bout it says a lot that people will make sacrifices by scrimping when they go from 2 salaries to 1 if it's important to them.

now if i tell you that i am staying home & the maid comes every wednesday, except whilst we're in our vacation home in fiji--- wellthen!

things they don't tell you

now that the little bean is 5+ weeks old, The Mr. and I have discovered that they don't tell you everything. they also like to tell you how everything will be easier... in a few months.

yes, guys. what's a few months when it comes to your sanity?

we have a fussy baby on our hands. that's not quite what we ordered; especially since we never got to recover from the horror that was called labor.

i've been saying over at the other blog how things haven't been at all what we've expected... guess i shouldn't be surprised here.

we knew babies cried. for no reason.

we also knew some babies cried a lot. for no reason.

we did not know that this baby would cry almost non-stop for the better part of a whole day. truthfully, they are right: it is getting better.

but the trade off is holding her and rocking,walking,dancing,swaying,bouncing,jostling all the time.

do not sit down and give your aching arms/back/neck a break. this cute little porker weighs ~12lbs!! oh, & do not think for a minute that she is truly asleep. for when you put her down, all hell breaks loose and you have to begin the cycle all over again!

she's quiet when she's eating. there's that. oh yeah, only sometimes she's not.

she squirms and pushes and shoves and throws her hands all over, interfering w/ eating. i never thought a newborn would play w/ her food at this early age!

i also never thought a newborn would be nearly as active as she is.... they don't really tell you that your baby may not like to be swaddled. therefore, if she sleeps on her back, she wakes herself up. immediately. and LOUDLY.

so, don't tell the AAP, but she sleeps on her stomach. and already is learning the beginnings of how to crawl she's so active.

they don't mention the fact that she can & will scream so loudly and forcefully she loses her voice & breath. they also don't mention how to get through that part.

they do tell you to try the swing. the bouncy seat. the dryer. the car.

none work at relaxing a sleepy baby. tho' the bouncy seat can keep her occupied long enough to scarf down some food (usually).

they like to mention that "every baby is different". that's the cover for: we-don't-know-what-the-hell-to-tell-you. and: thank-god-my-kid-was-an-angel.

all the books like to tell you that it's very, very important that your newborn gets enough rest in order to develop well. they don't tell you what to do w/ an overtired baby that doesn't know how to go from wake to sleep w/o lots of effort... it takes about the same amount of coddling until the next feed cycle starts.

god, it's a good thing she's cute!