monkeys

we interrupt this period of not posting to give you a handy tip learned from the monkeys.

if a banana is hard to peel b/c the stem is smushing into the banana, do like the monkeys do and open the banana upside down.  it is much easier!

huh.  who knew??
guess that's something that didn't carry over from evolution.  guess the walking upright and ability to hold a conversation got first dibs.

now what?

that five year old started kindergarten today.

now what do i do with the next 6 hours???

guess i should stock up on some more bonbons.

new goals

the fitness retreat was a good thing for a few reasons.
1.  "vacation" from life

no- of course it wasn't exactly a vacation.  which i would likely define as sleeping late, eating scrumptiously, touring new places and/or relaxing.        okay so it was NONE of that.... well, it was ONE of that.  and it was the fact i didn't have to think of anything at all. so in some respects it WAS a vacation, i guess.  i didn't plan for anything.  or cook. or clean. or cut up anyone's food. or feed any cats.

2.   giving me a jump start (tiny) on being healthy

although i didn't lose a ton of weight in that week, i did manage to lose a few more pounds once i got home.  i've been pretty stable this past week; but in all honesty, this past week was a lot less what i wanted out of it with different ailments that came my way and some frustrations that sucked my motivation. 

3.  makes me think twice about pushing myself or eating better

yesterday my 1/2 sandwich and salad (!) came with fries.  of which i ate TWO.  that's not like me.   and i only ate those 2 fries because i could, and to see if i would care.  (i didn't).
i have had such little sugar since i've come home.  i only went to starbucks for a mocha (nonfat; light whip) the other day b/c quite frankly not much was going right that day and i wanted SOMETHING.
my friend ate a full-sized snickers in front of me, and i didn't care at all.  i have a lot more willpower than i woulda thought.
[confession:  i did have a small brownie the other day- but even so doing that- i was in all my limits for calorie/fat intake etc]
i ran with my friend on a 10k trail.  we had a little walk warm up.  and we ran 2 miles.  then i walked a little more and ran another 2 1/2 miles.  that is not like me. 
truthfully, though, it was just one of those really good runs.  the weather and my body were cooperating together.  it was "easy" enough.  if i didn't psyche my brain about the tunnels that were coming up- i prob'ly could've even run more.

4.  showed me a new and gorgeous place to travel!

Salt Lake City is pretty gorgeous y'all:

snowshoeing! at Mill Creek Canyon

walked 8 miles! at City Creek Canyon

hiked 6 miles up a different part of Mill Creek Canyon

and i've never seen this much snow:

at Snowbird Resort (easy day)

so now i have a new life goal!
i will do my best to make sure littlegirl (and ME of course) gets to travel to every state.
and i can't wait for that to begin!

although we all went to Florida last summer, we're getting ready to go back in a few weeks and that will be very vacation like.

22373

this week was tough.  for sure.  it was amazing how hard i was able to work.  i was really afraid i'd be knocked down again like the only other time in my life i exercised consistently.

even though i had some adjustments to make to the higher altitude, i was able to do everything that was asked of me each day- and i pushed myself harder than ever.

and i was able to burn twenty-two thousand three hundred seventy-three active calories in less than 6 days.
not including any of the thousand calories i burned while sleeping, or hundreds of calories as i just was sitting.

my time here is done, and i know if i was here one more week i would have been able to do even better.  now i'm acclimated to the altitude and am not as fatigued/sore as i spent much of this week.  rolling over in bed was a challenge, but also just sitting.  and moving.

when i got here, i would routinely get bouts of nausea, but nothing that stayed like in 2012.  i will say, though, that i gave caffeine up a week before i got here, and i had a perpetual headache all last week until mid week this week.  i don't think that was strictly caffeine related (my withdrawals are usually just 2 or 3 days' worth) but in any case, i've been feeling better about that these last few days.

thursday-saturday were considerably easier than mon-wed.  in fact, yesterday (saturday) we barely exerted ourselves at all.  we hiked the bottom of a canyon (about 4.5 mi) and had an hour of yoga.  besides that, we had an hour of resting in a gorgeous spa.  then we went on a grocery tour.

i had my going home assessment today, and i was pretty sad that the 22373 calories didn't show themselves much in weight loss.  but 7 total inches lost sounded pretty bonus to me!
it is quite disheartening to know that i won't (obv) be able to keep up with 4000+ cals a day of loss.  but theory is that when i'm back to my elevation i will use my water more efficiently and not retain it.  Leah seems to think i'm not done yet.

now if only i can continue to totally change my life.......
i NEED to keep this up.

lucky girl

greetings from Salt Lake City, Utah!
i keep reminding myself to enjoy every minute of it because not many people have a Mr. like mine. 
he is going to find out even more of what i go thru while he travels extensively for his job.  because he will have little girl for much longer (almost double on a normal week) than i do;  and he is also going to be working his job for the most part of it.

i have tremendous friends that are helping out one day b/c he has a meeting to get to.

i am currently looking out of my hotel window with a view of a mountain.  not too shabby.
and when i go to the other side of the hotel where the elevator is, i see gorgeous snow-covered mountains over there, too!

i happen to be here on the weekend of the large conference the Mormons hold.  my friend Christina liked my term i used for my adventures into the city last night.  "swarmon"  as in swarming mormons.  so while i was trying to find a place to eat before my retreat officially starts with orientation tonight, so were all the many people of LDS faith.  also passed a few other people who wanted to antagonize the LDS belief system.

i have today to putz around.  reading in bed & watching a movie in a theater is in my agenda!!  wow!  and tomorrow, at 6am (bright eyed and bushy-tailed optional), i will begin my time here where i can only imagine how exhausted i will feel at the end of each day.

i'm so fortunate that The Mr. has allowed me to take a vacation from life! 
i'm very hopeful for the outcome.

statistics

i have always loved statistics. 
i have never formally studied them, but i always love when magazines give data.  surveys.  percentages. 
back in the olden days (before the gods invented tivo) we had to watch these snippets on TV called commercials.  you guys- they aren't just for superbowl sunday!
anyways, i used to be fairly keen on targeted demographics of such commercials.  i guess i would be more apt to notice if they missed their target audience. 

i digress.

i had always wanted to take a statistics course in college.  the closest i came was a grad-level course at USC (go cocks!)  (heh.... bet that just earned me some google hits)  (and some squinty enemy eyes from my tiger friends.- GO TIGERS)
the course was about educational assessment methods.  i was fascinated*.
[i have a 4.0 in my only class of grad school!]

The Mr. has recently suggested that part of my dire mood could be attributed to my normal round of cabin fever.  i always have been down in summers b/c school would be out and i'd have nothing to stress about/focus on.
he wisely suggested i work on something to focus my time so i get out of this shitty slump i can't seem to shake.

when we were talking about what to even do, i mentioned statistics and he brightened up and (easily) found a free site that is essentially a statistics course.

unfortunately, it has been put by the wayside b/c i'm trying to trek my way through not one, not two, but THREE self-help books re: my shitty disposition.  so my time is involved with either vegging out b/c those workbooks are taking a lot out of me, or taking the time to slog through them.

however, i have been keeping up with my own statistics... so that should the need arise, i can share more data with my next doctor b/c we are still unsure about what my "ailments" are about.  this came about b/c for the first several days of '13 i was being plagued by headaches.

so, a snippet of my own personal statistical data:

in one month, i have:  

• been depressed 52% of the time.  (the other half hasn't been happy; but it just wasn't significant enough for me to call myself depressed.  it basically was just existing)
• had headaches 28% of the time
• been nauseated 9%
• had caffeine 130% of the time.  which translates into only one day of having no caffeine.  incidentally, that day i did not have a headache.
• had one root canal due to my shitty luck and amazing coordination.
• had incredible bouts of sleepiness 6 days.  one of those days being i dropped off littlegirl, read aforementioned help-book for 15 minutes and was overcome to sleep for 1.5hrs.  in the MORNING.
• had social visits/outings 19 days.
• had 1 1/2 nights of some new oddity affecting my sleep.

if you want to know what i've eaten (nothing particularly healthy) i can tell you about every morsel.  i can also tell you how many times we've had sex (hey! another google hit), and when i was told "i love you".....
i'm trying to track everything!

so glad i like statistics.


*this class was so cool.  and i got an A after writing a paper- true story- about how i cannot write this paper.  my argument was valid.  four point oh!

through the trees

my BFF & i went for our 3rd annual girls' trip weekend over a week ago.  we had a blast in Asheville, NC.  

we stayed at the swanky Hotel Indigo, ate some yummy food, had great adult conversations (and beverages) without interruptions.  had the best massages either of us have ever had before at Sensibilities Day Spa, a nice ride up the blueridge parkway to Mt. Pisgah.

however, the whole weekend was kicked off in style by flying through the trees at Navitat.

if you hold your computer (or neck) sideways, this is the most decent video i was able to take.  i had my camera strapped to all my gear, so it was flying willy-nilly.... as was i.

i recommend it!  it was scaryhellfun.

in fact, The Mr. and i are definitely considering adding the Wrightwood CA location to our trip we're taking in the fall.

12 in '12

in no particular order, my aspirations for this year:

1. run my first 10K (and it's ok, too, if it's my last!) March 10th
   
2. take a month-long gym class called "Butts & Gutts" currently in progress
   
3. work with my trainer again when B&G is over. hopefully begin in Feb.
   
4. cash in my groupon for five! body wraps. i've thought to do this for a long time, and the groupon was just too good to pass up! i will be blogging about this process. i am the only one i know to use this service! 1st one in Feb.
   
5. i will be doing something special for The Mr.'s birthday; however, i won't blog about that until June. (no spoilers here)
6. going with my BFF for our 3rd annual galpal getaway! this time we will be zip-lining through some trees in Asheville, NC. this spring
   
7. grow out my nails again
8. run 30 miles in the next 4 weeks- as per my goal on Nikeplus.com. (i'm loving my nano 6 with nike fitness The Mr. gave me for xmas this year!) running tomorrow. hopefully 4 miles or so...
   
9. also joining the nike challenge to run 212 miles in 2012. i'm 18.25 miles in
   
10. try to find inspiration & decisions toward my next [part time] job. (my baby will be going to school in 2 short years! what will i do with all that free time???)
11. learn more about my new little camera i bought in time for thanksgiving. (sony cybershot)
12. use said knowledge on our AMAZING trip to europe (still yet unplanned) for our 10th wedding anniversary. (what??? already?) early fall/late summer
    

skeptical, statistic

so it's kinda official.
i am not thrilled to be a statistic (or will be starting tomorrow) concerning being one of the bazillions out there who are being treated for depression with medication.
and i am quite skeptical.

i am deciding to blog about this quite personal subject because i think i need to have a record-of-sorts as i venture into this unknown. i have a great tendency to make my memory fuzzy & vague if it's something important, especially to my health.

so here it is.

just the run-down of it:
my depression symptoms are here & there. just a persistent feeling that is sometimes better/worse than others.
no particular "trigger".

currently- i guess on a scale of 1-10, today would be a 4.5. tho' admittedly, tonight is a 6 because i guess i'm feeling a little anxious about taking the medicine starting tomorrow. however, i guess the 6 has more to do with the anxiety and not necessarily the depression.

disclaimer- it doesn't help that i'm quite tired today after losing about 2hrs of sleep again last night when i got up b/c of the bean. i've been pretty draggy all day. (and you see i'm not yet sleeping b/c i need to get this out of my head)

the medicine is a generic form of Celexa.

i feel skeptical about it for a few reasons, one of which is that i know this isn't some sort of magic pill that will suddenly erase things i'm unhappy with in my life. nor will it amnesia-fy me.
dammit.

another reason for my skepticism is that because i've been dealing with this crap for forever, and medication is supposed to be so subtle... ummmm i don't know how the hell i'm supposed to know if it's "working".

there are other reasons, too, i guess. but those are the main ones.

so here, i open up fully so that i can have documentation of whether or not this is "working" for me.
and if it doesn't.....
???????

good enough

i am trying to accept being an adult. (grrr)
in so doing, i voluntarily went for a physical (read: bloodwork!)
i was only doing it because i'd never had one done. the only cholesterol check i'd ever had was more than a decade ago.

i didn't really expect anything to come out of these results, but was interested in seeing some of these numbers.

well, i hate/detest/despise/fear needles. but i put my big-girl panties on and went "all by myself!" (i can hear littlebean saying those exact words in my head right now).
and when i got the results back, i was amazed at alllllll the millllllions of things they "test".
incidentally, they did not test my iron. i didn't know there was a big push for knowing potassium levels and other random stuff like that. but iron? that one should've been on there. luckily (or unluckily, i guess) that gets tested every year at my other (girlie) appointment.

anyway... of all the zilllllion little numbers and odds & ends on the report, everything was in the normal range. there may have been a couple of things that were in the upper parts. but there wasn't anything on there that my doc suggested i curb/watch out for/etc...

all is well.

so, see, y'all--- a diet riddled with kraft deluxe & doritos is JUST FINE. my veggie "heyday" has been over for, oh, about 2 1/2 years now. and though i really like most fruits, i still don't eat them. and for some reason or another, i have managed to bypass whatever whole grain bread i've had in the house for the past few months.

i guess that's good enough!

i'll probably wait another 36 years to have my next physical (read: bloodwork!)

#75 explained- the magic birthday

continuing my explanations, here's more on #75 of my list of 100.

today marks the 30th anniversary of my "magic birthday".

you may remember i'm a picky eater. i now consider it a major character flaw. and i guess that started at an early age. i noticed my mom used to make me "different" food. she usually had 2 or 3 versions of the same type meal on many nights. not just for me, but i know i was the biggest culprit.

for instance, when she'd make 'chopmeat & macaroni in the oven' (clever title, no?), she'd usually make 3: one with onions & peppers. one without. and one with just onions.

she was great at remembering what we all liked/didn't like. how she could keep up with all 13 of us' tastes, i'll never know. of course, she did spend a lot of time calling me by some other name. but, eh.

it was mainly when she made casserole type dishes that she did this. regular meat & sides, she'd just offer a choice of 2 or more veggies.

when i was super young, i remember having oatmeal for dinner. or scrambled eggs in the microwave*.

apparently i came of the age i'd have to start eating what we had. but i guess my mom figured if she's making enough for an army, it didn't really matter to her if she could leave something pesky out.

still i had issues with dinner almost nightly. how many times did my sisters try to coach me into eating my veggies? i would eat them one by one. ice cold, no doubt. if i were forced to eat veggies right now, i'm sure i'd do it the same way.

oh, and i learned to swallow many whole.

how many times did i rip open the string beans and "pretend" they were peanuts? how many times would i hold my nose, close my eyes, and STILL have a problem with what i was eating? how many times would i scatter my food around the plate, because we ALL KNOW the amazing physics behind how when you do such a thing, it miraculously fools your parents into thinking that you did, in fact, eat your supper.

just eat the veggies first they'd say. because apparently warm veggies that are disgusting are supposedly less disgusting than cold veggies that are disgusting. but no! i'd rather eat what i like just in case the world ended and my last taste wasn't broccoli. (or, more likely my dad became a softy that night and let me be done). the fewer pieces of corn eaten the better, in my book.

yes. i had problems with normal vegetables, as well as the grosser ones (creamed corn, anybody?? something that looks, smells, and tastes like, well..... eeewww).

i can still right now at this very moment conjure up the smell & taste of cauliflower. and the ONE time i had to have beets.

how many nights did i go to bed at suppertime b/c i flat out refused to eat? i just couldn't. and do you know that from all this turmoil, i developed a semi-talent...

i digress.

my mom made the BEST spaghetti ever. apparently. every sibling that would have people over for dinner for all years would request that we had either spaghetti or chicken paprikas. she was famous for it.

no jar here. unless you count the tomato paste that went in. with homemade meatballs as well. we usually had spaghetti on wednesdays because that was her bowling night and her night off from work. so she would start it in the morning. it was an all day affair; this famous sauce.

(2 meatballs a person, y'all. she had to ration. pity the pals that would come over and we didn't tell them that rule! and if she added sausage to it, you were allowed one of those)

not me. no thanks. tomato sauce.... eeks.

she'd drain my spaghetti, put mine aside with butter & mix the rest. i rarely got seconds. but honestly?? i LOVE spaghetti w/ butter. it's not that i tolerated it. even now, sometimes i crave it. it really is good.

so i knew i was a pest. and i knew i was tired of not liking things. and i was convinced that i was just being a baby. that if i just told myself to like spaghetti (et al) i would.

so somehow i figured that 5 was my magic birthday. i guess 5 year olds have much more mature palates than those damn 4 year olds! ooooh, i talked this up so much. weeks?? my family was in on it. and helped me convince myself that i am right.

for my birthday dinner (anything i want), i told my mom to make RED SPAGHETTI. yes i was serious. no, i didn't want paprikas. (shocking, i know!).

one of my sisters can vouch for me. i WANTED with all my heart for this to be my magic birthday. (don't butter it, mommy. i want to have grown up RED pisketti!) i was going to like RED pisketti. i can't wait! it's my magic birthday.

until i tasted it.

luckily, mom had the foresight to save me some WHITE spaghetti.

i was so disappointed. imagine... if i didn't like my mom's spaghetti sauce... there's none out there for me.

so it's now the 30th anniversary. and there's no spaghetti on the menu this weekend.

*who the hell eats scrambled eggs in the microwave?? i once saw an episode of Take Home Chef & when Curtis picked the chick up & asked her what was for dinner, that is seriously what she was planning on having. it was priceless! not "scrambled eggs". but "scrambled eggs in the microwave". i lived on them. not anymore! i'll dirty up a pan no problem.

happy (belated) mother's day to any of you who may fit the bill.
this was my first (official) day of "my own".
i have too many thoughts surrounding it, but none as poignant as these that i read this morning: here & here.

there are things i celebrate about being a mom.
there are things i worry about being a mom.
there are things i fear about being a mom.
there are things i shouldn't even think about being a mom.
there are things i miss about my own mom; especially since becoming one.

i'd like to share some fantastic thoughts. i'd like to open up (a little) & get new viewpoints. i'd like to commiserate with all of us who are missing their own mothers & motherfigures.
i just don't have the words.

enjoy your kids today. & tomorrow too.

are you a googler?

The Mr. has an interesting "talent". he can google better than anyone i know. admittedly, i don't usually bring this up in conversation, so i guess i don't know how other people fare at the art of googling.

he's always been a great researcher. when he'd go to the library in college, he spent a lot of time using it correctly. so it comes as no surprise that he would be good at this current form of research.

me? notsomuch.

i never know if i should be "formal" in my search for something (and just state the terms w/ some boolean crap in there for good measure) or if i should just "ask" my search. [The Mr. will have fun "asking" google all kinds of stupid stuff using horrible grammar on purpose].

i have always sucked at research. to this day, i'm not sure how i managed writing papers in HS & college. (no surprise i hated english).

google confounds me, but obviously it's not that big of a deal since i'm not graded on my googling performance.

i really want to do better. i like to try to prove to The Mr. that i can find something too. sometimes, it works in my favor. sometimes, he shows me up. (ok, that happens a lot)

here are 2 recent examples:

i had asked The Mr. what show it was where the dad died while eating an ice cream cone. he was astounded at that absurdity & maintained he never saw that show, because he'd have remembered. i had some vague notion that some "supposedly hot" guy was in the show... like zack from saved by the bell or something like that. i thought it was from some cheesy show that we had sorta watched together, like the old 90210 or something. but i was pretty sure it wasn't a show that i watched with any regularity. that was about all i knew.



i was bound & determined to find out for myself.

and I DID. i probably had to ask google in about 3 different ways, and click on maybe 5 links to get the right answer.



YAY. success! i shared w/ him what i learned (dawson's creek)

and a little while later, he wanted to challenge himself. having only going on what i told him [guy dies, dropped ice cream, car wreck]- he picked variations of a logical search & his first result was the answer. seriously.

having spelled all that out, it seems ridiculous that i'm even posting about this. it seems so obvious how to search for that. but when you are searching based on a vague memory, it's quite different.

this happens often. it's quite frustrating.

so imagine my smugness when i was finally able to do something myself:



i had a picture of something in my head. that's it. of "Clemson". an old stuffed animal pillow i had in the early 80s. that's it. just a random tiger pillow. i googled some terms (ok i will admit- The Mr. suggested the term "vintage" which i believe helped tremendously).

first result was someone's etsy shop. i've never been to etsy, know very little about it. but i clicked it anyway. AND THERE HE WAS. in all his glory.

& just as i was shouting a woo-hoo, The Mr. was about to say "well that can't be it".

finally! i was a googler. tho' i still needed his help.....

i'll get it one day.
or maybe i should stop trying to google randomass memories.

so, what about you?

how do you fare in the googling department?

sweet memory for someone else

a while back, i wrote that i had never flown a kite. very soon after that, i mentioned that The Mr. (how cool is he!?) bought me a kite for my birthday.

and i haven't spoken a word about the kite since.

i'm only bringing it up now because last week, when i was taking littlegirl for a walk down the street, 2 little kids (prob'ly 3 yrs old) were playing in their yard with their dads. one of the dads was trying to wind the string on a Dora kite they were about to launch. the little girl yelled at me so giddily that this is her kite. & that's Dora! (in case i didn't know). the little boy promptly had to tell me that his kite was Thomas. you know, lest i think he was into Dora. plus, for whatever reason, he didn't have his there. so i needed to know that he, too, had a kite he was super proud of.

it looked like such a sweet memory. if the children won't remember then i bet the fathers will. it's probably not one of the memories they will be sure to pass along & talk about every so often. it's one of the memories that you just tuck into your brain. it gets buried beneath the checklist of all the things you need to do that day/week/month. it gets buried beneath the important memories of wedding days and those babies being born. but it's tucked in safe & snug. being a part of the million tiny day-to-day memories you create to remind yourself of being happy.

of course, it made me feel nostalgic. wait- can you feel nostalgic of something that's never happened to you? can you feel nostalgic of something that may happen in the future? ok, i guess it made me feel wistful. i just know that littlegirl will likely have a memory such as that one, and hopefully many more. i know The Mr. & i will try to enjoy these "normal" days of childhood with her. i'm sure we will both have fun ourselves as we watch her explore her world. with a kite, on a bike, in a park---wherever. & hopefully she can create memories that she can share in the future.

so, whatever happened to my kite? such a pretty aqua-marine-blue w/ a gorgeous magenta tail?
sadly, we never flew it. to The Mr.'s credit, he tried.
but if you've read the post about when we rode bikes together, then you know he had his work cut out for him.
in my defense, i was actually pregnant when we took it out one windy saturday afternoon.
so we can blame the hormones. (the one time i think the hormones affected me just so)

for whatever reason i got upset b/c he saw a perfectly good windy day, spent the time in the backyard putting the kite together, and wanted to show me how to get it off the ground.
it just didn't work out. but i still have the kite. it's collecting dust. maybe this spring would be a great time for us to spark a memory.

for me.

Bonus! 50% more FREE

here, i give you TWO posts for the price of ONE...

#1: oh no, don't be a pattern!:
i just mentioned that we gave Little Bean her first taste of food on my other blog.
well, i've been mixing my milk with the rice cereal. only after yesterday's good feeding, i didn't have any more saved. and i forgot to defrost some i had in the freezer.
so i decided to mix her cereal with some formula that i had gotten from a doctor** (see post #2)
the formula is liquid, so there was no extra mixing. this would be her very first taste of formula. and maybe she doesn't like it so much?

she's been eating very well. but today- 2 bites and lots of tears. i gave her a few bites through the crying; but ultimately i just threw it all out.
sooooo i guess i failed at one of the first parenting taboos: picky eating.
it didn't even dawn on me to be all "this is what i made & that's what you get". maybe it's because she can't understand crap right now. or b/c feeding itself is all so new, i don't want to force it on her.
or maybe it's because i'm beginning a pattern?
since before i even got pregnant, i worried about the baby with food.
again, i'm being hypocritical. & i hate that.

but me?? The Pickiest Eater Alive?? how am i going to instill good eating habits to my impressionable baby? just the other day, The Mr. & i remarked how soon enough, we're going to actually have to start eating---vegetables--- *shudder*.
hmmmm, i should have eaten them while i was pregnant. & now while i'm nursing. if those 2 reasons aren't good enough, how will i begin to do this correctly???

i used to go to bed all the time w/o dinner. i was a master at moving food around (and sometimes even in the toilet). i cried through many a dinner, eating one bean from inside the string bean at a time. i learned how to swallow corn whole (one at a time) b/c i couldn't stand biting into it and feeling the squish. how many times did i actually gag b/c i had to try a bite of something (cauliflower comes to mind. and beets). i remember having oatmeal for dinner some nights when i was very young. or even better- scrambled eggs in the microwave.
there were some things my mom would keep out for me.... like spaghetti. (mine's just butter. no sauce)

so- how in the world am i -me- ms. "does popcorn count as a vegetable?"-going to be a good example for this little girl???
oh my!

BONUS post #2:
why in the hell would a doctor give me formula for my baby when she knows i'm breastfeeding???
conversation went something like this at her 1month appt:
---um, she's a very fussy baby. won't nap. needs to be held. all. the. time. screams and cries like you wouldn't believe. still a little gassy. we give her drops before feeding. maybe helping.
dr: how's nursing?
me: oh, it's just fine. she latches well & takes it very well.
dr takes my baby & goes to somewhere w/o me & comes back in w/ a bottle of formula.
dr says: just try this for me.
me: ok, why?
dr: just experiment.
me: experiment with what?
dr: this kind is easily digested.
me: isn't breastmilk easily digested??
dr: yes. just try it. humor me. just to see....
me: what is it we're experimenting? what is it you want me to notice & be on the lookout for???
dr: **** silence **** just try it.

ummmmmm??
ok. soooo i have requested a different doctor in the practice ever since.
and at that first visit (2months), she suggested LB may have "silent reflux". we began to give her baby zantac. & coincidentally, things seemed to have gotten better.

oh, and by the way...i'm not one of those anti-formula people. i am not planning on nursing her till she's 20. i would have given it a try- had she given me any answer as to what she thought it was supposed to help with. but with no reasoning behind it, i felt no need to stop what i was doing.
plus LB doesn't take a bottle, so i can imagine how hard that would've been anyway!

the b*ching is over --- for now

i wanted to write about something i'm likely not to whine about. excuse my posts as of late.

i recently caught up on some blogs, & came across swistle's post about her son's musical instrument choice. & i say: YAY!

i also played clarinet growing up, & it was the best thing i could've ever done. i was very anti-athletic. i've often wondered which came first: my apparent lack of athleticism, or the apparent lack of opportunity for athleticism. i'd never enrolled in soccer, softball, t-ball or whatever. why??? to this day i throw like a girl. & i catch like a baby. i wonder if i could've had these skills had my parents given me the opportunity.

anyway- apparently the thing to do in lil' ol' selma, al was to join the band. all my friends were in it. the popular kids. everyone. i liked the 6 week stint i had in the 6th grade. (very clever of them to have us try out each elective...)

i didn't really know what i wanted to play. i had a friend who played flute. and 1 who played clarinet. since my parents were able to get a used clarinet from my brother-in-law's brother, that's what i got. and i loved it!

so in 7th grade, i started practicing quite horribly. i learned how to finger the notes from my friend amy. i mottled thru whatever was given. but i enjoyed it. it's something you can do on your own & at the same time add to a group.

i enjoyed my first band director: gerald buford. (wonder where he is these days?)
he was funny & a lot of fun. god, what a saint. i bet he secretly had earplugs fitted so we couldn't see them. can you imagine being a band director during the first year we all learned to play??

i know it drove my parents crazy. and i was just one lousy instrumentalist.

however, i'm very proud of my clarinet days. & i defend my "band geek" status. i was only called that by my family anyway. ('cept now The Mr. likes to get in on it).
i made tons 'o friends, learned a new skill, traveled all over & did something with time. i can't imagine if i did nothing. & i got pretty good at it, too.

i didn't play in college. i actually had a freak accident that hindered my ability to play for a while. but a few years ago, i tried to pick it up again & took some lessons to remind myself. but it's not like i was going to have the time & willingness to get really good at it, since there's no way for me to be involved with it. so i stopped.

it's on display in my bedroom along w/ my favorite sheet music for my favorite song: chorale prelude in e flat.

so for our wedding, we had a quartet play as well as for the cocktail hour (that we didn't get to hear). and this weekend, when the twins down the street asked us to support their band fundraiser, i said OF COURSE. when i heard they both played clarinet, well- i just beamed with pride! ok. maybe not. but still.

i miss it. sometimes i think about picking it up again. i kept meaning to play for the little bean when i was pregnant. i wonder what she'd do if i play it for her now. maybe i'll find out. and if the little bean wants to get in on this game, i'll totally defend her band geek status as well!

order more bonbons

i am officially a stay-at-home mom now.
i put in my notice w/ work just a bit ago.

man. i wanted that job so badly. i felt it was perfect for me.

after a rough start, once all the Relays got underway, i got more excited about the job and would've looked forward to next year when i'd know a little more.

what a difference a year makes!

interesting that i was literally pregnant every minute i ever worked for the American Cancer Society...
so now, i am no longer identified as a teacher, or an ACS community manager. now i guess i have new initials: SAHM.
wow. that's kinda weird.

at least for now. i do plan to go back to teaching in a few years... prob'ly around the time littlebean gets to be lots of fun. great timing!

so- i have a new job to learn. and from my last post, you can see it will be as challenging as any other!

things they don't tell you

now that the little bean is 5+ weeks old, The Mr. and I have discovered that they don't tell you everything. they also like to tell you how everything will be easier... in a few months.

yes, guys. what's a few months when it comes to your sanity?

we have a fussy baby on our hands. that's not quite what we ordered; especially since we never got to recover from the horror that was called labor.

i've been saying over at the other blog how things haven't been at all what we've expected... guess i shouldn't be surprised here.

we knew babies cried. for no reason.

we also knew some babies cried a lot. for no reason.

we did not know that this baby would cry almost non-stop for the better part of a whole day. truthfully, they are right: it is getting better.

but the trade off is holding her and rocking,walking,dancing,swaying,bouncing,jostling all the time.

do not sit down and give your aching arms/back/neck a break. this cute little porker weighs ~12lbs!! oh, & do not think for a minute that she is truly asleep. for when you put her down, all hell breaks loose and you have to begin the cycle all over again!

she's quiet when she's eating. there's that. oh yeah, only sometimes she's not.

she squirms and pushes and shoves and throws her hands all over, interfering w/ eating. i never thought a newborn would play w/ her food at this early age!

i also never thought a newborn would be nearly as active as she is.... they don't really tell you that your baby may not like to be swaddled. therefore, if she sleeps on her back, she wakes herself up. immediately. and LOUDLY.

so, don't tell the AAP, but she sleeps on her stomach. and already is learning the beginnings of how to crawl she's so active.

they don't mention the fact that she can & will scream so loudly and forcefully she loses her voice & breath. they also don't mention how to get through that part.

they do tell you to try the swing. the bouncy seat. the dryer. the car.

none work at relaxing a sleepy baby. tho' the bouncy seat can keep her occupied long enough to scarf down some food (usually).

they like to mention that "every baby is different". that's the cover for: we-don't-know-what-the-hell-to-tell-you. and: thank-god-my-kid-was-an-angel.

all the books like to tell you that it's very, very important that your newborn gets enough rest in order to develop well. they don't tell you what to do w/ an overtired baby that doesn't know how to go from wake to sleep w/o lots of effort... it takes about the same amount of coddling until the next feed cycle starts.

god, it's a good thing she's cute!

great parenting

don't get me wrong. i had a great mom!!! i miss her dearly. especially these days when i'm about to become one.
of course i have no idea what i'm facing w/ a 1day old, much less a 6 year old.
but somehow, i think this actual conversation might should've gone a different way:

me- Laur? how do you get puppies?
L- same way you get people.
(blink, blink) how do you get people?
um... do you know what a boy has?
yes??
know what a girl has?
(fear sets in) yes
???well,???
(terror).....they touch???
yes.
NUH-UH, LAUR. YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO BE NASTY!!!! i'm telling!!! mommy and daddy wouldn't do that. MEG wouldn't do that!!!
................... mom comes to do laundry. it's probly 10 at night.
L- no i'm not. ask mom.
mom- ask mom what??
L- mom, tell m how you get a baby.
...............(silence ensues).................................
mom- shuttup and get to sleep!

decisions decisions

The Mr. & i have been together for 13 years.
it was about 4 years in that i contemplated all these thoughts about not having any kids. (parts 1-3 below)

we moved in together w/ this uncertainty.
we got engaged w/ this uncertainty. assuming it's a "no" but who knows down the road? we got married. same deal.
i still can't believe he was OK w/ all this.

and i can't believe how badly i felt about it. i'm slightly obsessive in that if i don't feel definitive about something, i think it to death. i'm sorta a planner. so no surprise soon after we were married, i developed my YES/NO list that as i thought of something, i put things down in the proper column.

and even tho (to this day) the NO column has more items in it than the yes, i finally thought differently about how i was thinking.
it wasn't a count of items, so much as the weight of the items.
and when it came right down to it, The Mr. wanting a kid outweighed some of my items. knowing i wanted to watch him become a father outweighed some of my items. knowing all that he sacrifices for us, and takes care of in order to make our (my) life so much easier.... that outweighed a lot of my items.

so i contemplated maybe being a mom.
being a teacher for so long...... that's good incentive to not have a kid! i did always know that i couldn't do both. i came home so aggravated & tired, i knew i couldn't deal w/ a newborn. nor a 1st grader. nor a teen!

so once i started thinking about how to make it work, i just had to convince myself that it could work for me.

it's taken me about 4 years to get to the point that i could seriously consider it. but 2 years ago, i told The Mr. in hawaii that this is indeed something we could explore.

instead of being "no way!" i started to be "maybe" & the more i thought of him being a dad. and how much i knew he must've wanted it. and knowing all that he does for me/us all the time, it was a difficult, but well-thought-out decision.

i'm glad i went through this decision process.
i've always been a big fan (still am) of adopting.
i've always thought it would mean more to me to choose a kid instead of just having one b/c i was "s'posed to". i feel now that i have indeed chosen. and i'm prepared (ok, is anyone REALLY prepared?) to have a child of our own. girl or boy. good times & bad. i know it will be tough. but i know i have a wonderful support in The Mr. and this isn't something i'm doing. we're pregnant. not just me.

and that makes me feel very happy!

thank you for being a part of this saga. i think i would've done better had i written it all down the same day.