Wednesday, June 8, 2011

cobwebs & crickets

i'd love to dust off the cobwebs of this blog. in a few ways, it's my favorite blog to write. but of course... it's the one i devote so little time to. i've been mentioning (too much) how yaddayadda i don't know what to say blahblahblah nobody bothers to read this anyway woeismeyaddayaddayadda but i know i should do better.

oh how many things i need to improve upon.
i am currently doing what i can to work on myself. in terms of my marriage, my parenting, my frustrations with the cards i have been dealt, and--- well, myself itself.

it's a very frustrating process. some of my closest pals have asked with concern how things are faring. am i any happier/wiser/better. and i don't really have an answer to that.

honestly- i feel overwhelmed. just because i'm trying to correct/adapt to/accept everything at once. all the while doing whatever it is that i normally do in a day.

i'm tracking moods, foods & potty training progresses. i'm reading books, blogs, recipes & old writings. i'm skimming pictures of happy days, sad memories & old videos. i'm trying new recipes, new ideas & even attempted meditation. i'm dreaming of the future, regretting some past & longing for better.

i feel .... hmmm.... what is it i feel?

i need to change pretty much all of who i am. most of which (obviously) i cannot change: events that occured, body image, self-perception & temperament.
i know i need to be happy(er) with my life to be a better mom to jovie, a better wife to The Mr. & a better friend to the ones i still have.

i know this.
i need to fix this.
i haven't a clue.

pretty much my whole life i've felt like i was doing it wrong.

& that's changed only for the worse, as becoming a mother has put a magnifying glass on everything/life. it's given importance to me, where i've never felt important before. self-induced or not- not measuring up is quite difficult.

every time i tell myself to shutup and stoppit... [b/c y'all--- i really do have a WONDERFUL life!]... i think to how great it really is and have all these cuddly memories to feel. until i get to a memory that is not so cuddly. and it cycles me all back around again.

damn. i need therapy.
oh yeah. i've been going to therapy for about 9mos now. mostly weekly.
see? i'm even doing that wrong.

so, how do i feel?
overwhelmed, tired, dejected, lost, angry, frustrated, sad, bored, minor, stupid, wrong, overwhelmed, pathetic, unable, annoyed, nostalgic, jealous, pissed, crazy, less than, overwhelmed & neglected.

.......i haven't wanted to utter any of this BS on my blog. but as i came to it i saw i haven't written in months- hardly at all in over a year.... i know it's been sitting here collecting internet-dust. and there's crickets chirping all around it. i figured now's as good a time as any.

so please.... pardon my rant.

1 comment:

Pregnantly Plump said...

I'm so sorry you've been having a rough time. Motherhood amplifies so many things. And sometimes it's hard to enjoy the happy moments, because your mind is elsewhere. Oh to be a child who forgets things so quickly and easily!
Please feel free to email me any time to vent, reminisce about Lost, etc.
We are hopefully going to the Atlanta area this summer and I was hoping we could meet up.