Saturday, September 6, 2014


a few surreal things have occurred recently.  in no particular order of importance:

The Mr. will miss our 12th wedding anniversary because he is exactly where he was a year ago when he missed our 11th anniversary. [ obviously, no, i didn't come with.]i am constantly being challenged with the concept of the time change.  it's fun to share with The Bean, too.  we get a kick out of knowing that we wake up when he goes to sleep.
However, time really does seem warped to know that he sent me an anniversary card from the airport when he left.  it came to me as he landed.
it makes sense since his travel day was pretty much 24hrs, but when you put it that way, it just felt pretty surreal.

this morning, The Bean asked me if we ever went to Callaway Gardens.  I told her we went when she was a baby.  so after breakfast, i pulled up her blog & showed her a few of the pix I had posted.  which led to a couple of other posts.  which led to me just randomizing my blog...  she was pretty captivated and she captivated me by reading my words back to me.
that's surreal enough- but another great thing-  she gets my humor! 

 i have been having lots of deep dreams again, lately.  this is nothing new to me.  whether it is brought about because of (yet another) medication i really can't tell.  what i do know is these are surreal, yes, but not as evil or dark or scary as some of mine can be (medicated or not)

 i am currently typing this while watching the Ohio State, Virginia Tech game.  surreal that i care a damn about football that's not even Clemson.  surreal that VT is up by 2 TD's after OSU missed not one but 2 field goal attempts.  the fact that I even know that is surreal is surreal in itself.

unfortunately there is some surreal shit going on in my family that is not at all what would be expected (even from my crazy family).    it's life-changing.  and not the good kind.

The Bean has had more bouts of odd coincidences.   (The Mr. calls them coincidences.  i'm not sure how to explain them).  
she pretended some squirrels were named Coleman and Lillianna.  Two names that I know in my life; neither of which are amazingly important- but those are not names we know of in her little 6 year old world.  Neither one of them are particularly common.  And who names squirrels anyway??

Also surreal?  she said to me that 90 is old and she doesn't want to be old.  She only wants to be 40.  anyone who knows me knows that is amazing.  and what 6 year old thinks like that.  At breakfast. when we were not talking about birthdays or ages or old or anything that could have led her to this statement.

and lastly?  she spoke in such a way that I seriously had to consider if something is ESP if your own mind is blank.  I will be posting that story on her blog next.....

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

musings of Munich

what a lucky lucky girl I am.  i had another opportunity to travel with The Mr. this past summer.  I can't believe i'm just now getting to writing about it.

The Mr. spent 2 weeks in Munich for work, and i got to join in on the end of his stint.  we had a long weekend together and had a great time.

my fabulous sister came & stayed with the bean a day early so i could change my flight.  turned out we got to watch the US/Germany game play in the World Cup in the Olympic Stadium.  yes it was as awesome as that sounds.  i think the only thing cooler than that would have been had we been in brazil.

my first taste of german food was quite authentic.  first we got a pretzel.  then we got a brat & beer at the game.  we were all decked out in our RedWhite&Blue.  and, even though we lost, it was a great game!  the only downside were the few random jerks who actually had the nerve to Boo! the national anthem.

the next day The Mr. had to work but walked me to a nearby lake & i had lunch and read my book awhile.  we walked to dinner in downtown Unterschleishem at a yummy Indian restaurant & got ice cream afterwards.

saturday we spent the day in Munich center.  walked around Marienplatz & sat at the biergarten in Englischer Garten for most of the day.  it took that long to nurse the giant beers we had.

sunday we got on a train and went to Salzburg.  it was lovely! my first authentic train experience. sadly it rained the whole 24hrs we were there.  but still got to see that Salzburg is quite charming.  i will go back someday in the sun.  after much debate, we decided to go ahead and take the tram up to Untersberg even though it was rainy/foggy.  we were so glad we did. it was a fun(ny) experience. 

finally!  a speck of sun.  too bad this is on our way out...

actual view from tram going up the Alp.  Not to be confused with our Santa Barbara view

back to Munich on Monday to leave on Tuesday.  it was a whirlwind for sure.  i didn't mind.  we came back in time to do 4th of July & bean's birthday.  a relaxing july was had; and school is now back in session!

i look forward to the next opportunity i'll have to take advantage of The Mr.'s free miles!

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

from the mouth

monday morning, we were getting ready for Girl Scout (day) Camp. 

"did you know daddy put lotion on my bumps last night?
i have 2 bumps. but i can't show you one, because it's deleted."

over Spring Break, while at the aquarium:
she was looking at the animal called the Mud Skipper & asked me to read about it.  as i read all the information on the card, she said "they should've said AND IT'S GROSS"

same aquarium.
she read the sign "school of fish", saw a large fish swim up and said "that's the principal!"

Thursday, April 24, 2014


oh so much mulling in my mind......

....we had a completely marvelous spring break!  TN was awesome.  everyone enjoyed each other for the most part.  except for watching a very distressing/realistic depiction of *something* in season 3 of Downton Abbey & a couple of moments from the bean, it was perfect!

....i can't wait for the next state! we (i) haven't planned where we're going this summer yet.  but we'll definitely do something.  i have a map in our bonus room that i'm coloring in as we go.  unfortunately, it's not working out as i planned.  i had hoped to go see my friend that moved to AR this past summer.  when i saw where she was, i see she's on the edge so that woulda given us an opportunity to see 3 states!  however, sadly we just aren't friends anymore.  once she left she left.  it breaks my heart but i can't constantly reach out only to be left hanging.  she warned me she's like that.  i just didn't think she'd be like that with me.

.... i just dropped the bean off at school (!!!) and i had that typical cliche moment where she looked back at me.  and yeah.  cliche abound.  that shit really does get to you.

....The Mr. & i watched the NCAA basketball championship.... ie "pick'ems"  we had a wager on it.  it was the most exciting set of games we've seen probably ever.  it was fun! and as down to the wire most of those games were, our brackets were too and The Mr. won by 2pts.  now i have to watch an episode of the ever stupid "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia".   used to watch that show with him; then i realized i'm not a 10 year old boy.

...have intended to write posts on Dr. New Guy and meds and all....  the short of it is i am off all meds right now (and have been for about 2 months). 
he upped what was working for me. but that wasn't working for me.  so he took me off & said take a break for about a month with intention of starting #4 (!!).  i could also go back to #3 first dose if i wanted.
i don't know what i want.
i was dealing with some other major issues & feel i handled it well- unmedicated.  so now i don't know i don't know i don't know.

...our winter is over- though every time i go to i see the red warning headline that SOMEONE out there is expecting 12" snow again.  we had 2 "snows", along with those "cold" days.
the day before Easter was cloudy, dark, rainy & cold.  i couldn't believe it was actually Easter.  however, wake up sunday and it was our typical spring lovely.

...& the night before Easter, The Mr. & i went to see Lion King at the Fox.
i'm sad to say that it wasn't as astoundingly wonderful as i'd been told/hoped/thought.
yes it was a good night out.  yes the costumes were innovative.  but, i don't know.  it was just not the oomph we had hoped for.
same with Book of Mormon. 
[those 2 shows alone are what drove us to buy season tickets]
to be fair, Lion King isn't my all-time-fave anyway.  i have probably only seen it 2ce; and not in ages.

...however we decided we will bring the bean to The Little Mermaid on her birthday this year (great timing!) and that is one of my fave disney shows. i hope this one will be better!'s been a year since i got to go to Utah and boy am i frustrated.  i have instilled a pact w/ my 2 friends to spur us all on. and for some reason it's just not working for me.  even on my really really good days i'm not moving the scale (in the right direction) very much.  zaps my motivation for sure.  along with that month i was dealing with all the other stuff. i just can't focus.
really wish i could get my motivation back (meds??) because THIS is as much vacation as i'm gonna have this year.... 6 hours of school each day.  and that is quickly winding down.

okay- i guess i should be done rambling for now.  hope to be back with a proper post soon.

Monday, March 31, 2014


we interrupt this period of not posting to give you a handy tip learned from the monkeys.

if a banana is hard to peel b/c the stem is smushing into the banana, do like the monkeys do and open the banana upside down.  it is much easier!

huh.  who knew??
guess that's something that didn't carry over from evolution.  guess the walking upright and ability to hold a conversation got first dibs.

Monday, January 6, 2014


ah yes.
intentions are grand, aren't they.
i've been waiting til' the bean goes back to school so i can blog a little bit about the living room update, or how i feel about Dr. New Guy. or how the holidays were. or just about anything...
guess what?  they canceled school. for today AND tomorrow. due to cold weather.

you northerners up there just got a little more fodder for jokes, didn't you?

this happened to me once before when i was a teacher.  the busstop forecast was unheard of around these parts (single digit temps and negative {single digit} windchills).
it is happening again. for the next 2 days we will have a high of 27.

i know that's considered Autumn for some of you.

i *think* what may have happened is they were intending for it to "snow" in the middle of the night....  which (of course) did not happen.  but to give everyone ample warning about closures went ahead and called off the two days.  tomorrow is supposed to be even colder than today.  with 6am temps at 9 degrees/ -3 chill.

i will say that i am at least glad it didn't end up snowing.  though i wasn't really thinking it would actually amount to anything you could play in- i'm glad it did stay away.  b/c the bean- who was sick much of the last week of school- missed the last day of school and apparently left her great winter/snow coat in the classroom.
that would have just been ironic.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

tis the season

so as much as i've wanted to un-neglect my blog, it's been a little busy these past few days/weeks with christmas prep.

shopping was done, volunteering at the school, room-momming, the bean was in her holiday recital.  she got sick.  The Mr. is battling "this little girl cold", the in-laws are here (again; as they came for the recital just last week) & i've been hostessing, baking, eating, baking, The Mr. has been cleaning! and i've been baking.  intermixed with some game-playing with my little brother (in-law).

overall, things are good.
nothing more than the usual holiday stress (fun kind) right now; with the sick stress rolled in.  that's made things slightly less pleasant; but there's not a pill i can take for that.

i'm really excited to see the bean's face when she sees what Santa brought her.  i'm looking forward to stealing my F-I-L's ipad for candy crushing trying to relax in between the rest of the cooking prep & holiday fun.  and, because the wonderful people in movie-land have been so kind enough to keep Frozen on the big screen right now, we *may* re-instate The Mr.'s family tradition of going to a movie on xmas!  it will be the bean's first experience in a real movie theater.  that will be fun!

okay. back to my breakfast prep.
i hope your holidays are enjoyable & safe!
see you next year!!

(The Mr. & i are going to have a small R&R time right after the holiday, too!  so much to look forward to!)

Friday, November 22, 2013

these days

just a super quick update to say Hi! I'm still here.
all is well.

it's been the better part of a month, and i've started my new meds (#3!) and i think i can say i'm noticing a difference.  i can't account for why i have had a couple of sluggish days in the past week, or why my motivation plummeted after being so awesome these past two weeks since The Mr. was down under again.
but i can say that even though i was sluggish & unmotivated, it wasn't as though i *felt* depressed.

the last time The Mr. was in Australia, i had just begun welllbutrin.  i was reluctant to go on these new meds (pristiq) right before he left, however, the 2 weeks prior to his leaving i felt i was slipping into a funk.

this time of year- from october-jan 2nd- is always my pick-me-up time.  i love it.  looking forward to things & planning occasions is usually enough to keep me balanced.  last year, though, i was OK, i noticed it wasn't quite the same as i'm used to.  this year i feel more like my autumn self. 
so when i was starting to slump, i decided to begin my meds.  The Mr. joined the rest of you people and bought a smart phone so that it would have global calling abilities, should i need him.
i think the fact that i had my whatever episode last time was enough for me to really encourage that.

the past few weeks while he was gone, i was extremely motivated to exercise & eat (somewhat) decently.  even when the bean was having some really bad days & being a terror, i kept everything at bay and didn't let that rile me up like i would have before.

The Mr. is on his way home now, and we are truly looking forward to next week.  he'll work from home the first part of the week & hope for an "easy" time.  The girl & i will try to occupy ourselves and have playdates before we venture to g'ville for our thanksgiving holidays.
we are all so very excited to be together & dare i think--- relax!!

i hope you can do the same.
enjoy your families & friends.

see you in december....

Thursday, October 10, 2013

medicine merry-go-round

exactly what i didn't want to happen, seemingly is beginning to happen.
Dr. New Guy is taking me off Wellbutrin.
only to put me on something else.

i am so very frustrated with this.  this is exactly why i have been fighting meds.
i am so vague in everything, i will never know if meds work.... and now i should try yet another.
give that time to "work".  how will i know if it does??

as i've said before, a pill that i take will not make the people around me better.
the bean will still be a brat.  the marriage will still sometimes have flaws.  The Mr. will still travel.  the stress will still come & go.
i still get random bouts/days of feeling depressed.  some days i can ignore it. some days can be just fine.

i have been keeping track.  there is no pattern.  it would stand to reason that PMS could be a factor in my depression.  and that could possibly happen for a day or 2 before it comes.  however, it can come 2 weeks, 1 week, or not at all before it comes, too.

so, i asked Dr. New Guy if i should wait for this new meds for when i'm in my down mood.  he said it was a personal choice.  but to realize it could take time for the meds work.
he said i could go ahead and begin my new meds now.  but The Mr. & i agree that i should first wean off current meds.  wait a week or so & clear my system.

in light of the random side-effecty type symptoms i seem to get; i'd rather have a clearer picture on what the cause could be.  the new meds or the "withdrawal" from the old meds.
or just my general freaky self i've been struggling with for forever.

i have begun the process.  i will take 1/2 pills til' i'm out.
and as far as beginning something new...............
i just don't know!!!


the only good thing that has come of this so far, is that in researching the new meds, i came across a "progress tracker" so now i can have a better description of my days & progress instead of just my spreadsheet that says "depressed".  maybe this can shed some light on things, too.

still, though, GAH

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

day whatever

so much for my quest for documenting my new meds....
well, i guess i kinda suck at it.

i have been on a full dose for the better part of 2 weeks.

the short of it is i have had a few (much smaller) bouts of oddity going on.
this type of stuff has plagued me my whole life, and it's quite frustrating. nothing major happens; and anything that is major i fail to be able to describe.
the only thing i can ever say in those moments is "i don't feel right"
vague, much?

so lately, i have little single instances of a woozy feeling.  i'm not sure i would classify that in the "dizzy" category of the side effects.  to me, dizzy sounds like a constant -vertigo-feeling (which sucks so bad!).
every once in awhile, i have felt the world just turn upside down.  or move below my feet.  or some odd thing like that.  but then it's over.  in those times i try to be conscious of any anxiety and tell myself not to get a panic attack.  (is that something you can even control?  i don't know).

The Mr. was home last week. and though that helped he wasn't on the other side of the world, i still don't feel any differently.  i still got (quite) annoyed at the bean & her bad behaviors.  i still got frustrated at situations.
i'm not sure *what* i'm supposed to feel...  will butterflies and rainbows follow me overhead now?

the thing that keeps me skeptical is that i already have random bouts of depression.  so maybe i just take this dern pill for 6 months and see if i have any bouts of depression then?  b/c as far as i can tell, that's gonna be my only "tell".

i did have a productive day yesterday.  and am hopeful for a better october in that regard.
so did it affect my motivation??  hard to tell.  maybe.

headache- 0
dry mouth- 0
nausea- 2
insomnia- 0
dizziness- 2

 not sure what i'll tell Dr. New Guy when i meet with him next week.