12 in '12

in no particular order, my aspirations for this year:

1. run my first 10K (and it's ok, too, if it's my last!) March 10th
   
2. take a month-long gym class called "Butts & Gutts" currently in progress
   
3. work with my trainer again when B&G is over. hopefully begin in Feb.
   
4. cash in my groupon for five! body wraps. i've thought to do this for a long time, and the groupon was just too good to pass up! i will be blogging about this process. i am the only one i know to use this service! 1st one in Feb.
   
5. i will be doing something special for The Mr.'s birthday; however, i won't blog about that until June. (no spoilers here)
6. going with my BFF for our 3rd annual galpal getaway! this time we will be zip-lining through some trees in Asheville, NC. this spring
   
7. grow out my nails again
8. run 30 miles in the next 4 weeks- as per my goal on Nikeplus.com. (i'm loving my nano 6 with nike fitness The Mr. gave me for xmas this year!) running tomorrow. hopefully 4 miles or so...
   
9. also joining the nike challenge to run 212 miles in 2012. i'm 18.25 miles in
   
10. try to find inspiration & decisions toward my next [part time] job. (my baby will be going to school in 2 short years! what will i do with all that free time???)
11. learn more about my new little camera i bought in time for thanksgiving. (sony cybershot)
12. use said knowledge on our AMAZING trip to europe (still yet unplanned) for our 10th wedding anniversary. (what??? already?) early fall/late summer
    

11 from '11

a little late, yes, but nonetheless... here are 11 firsts from 2011:

1. i began going to a Zumba class at my gym.
2. i participated in a flash-mob.
3. i had a (rare) good time partying with some of my sisters and sisters-in-law. karaoke abound!
4. i had my best time ever in my usual 5k run.
5. i committed to running my first 10k ever (yuck!) for March of this year.
6. we (finally!) redecorated our 2 gaudy bathrooms**
7. we made other major home improvement$. ($iding & window$)
8. i began cooking more & trying new recipes. (even ones you would doubt i would try! [paella, anyone?])
9. we went to Vermont & Canada (twice in 2 days!)
10. i had to call 911 for the first (and hopefully LAST!) time ever.
11. i began taking medication for my crazy. jury's still out on whether or not i like it, but it's fine.
    

here's to 2012!

**i tried relentlessly to add pix of our bathrooms, to no avail. maybe one day blogger will upload my pics a little better...

one for "the couch"

i'm pretty sure my therapist would love to know that positive thinking usually backfires on me. i'm so mired in negative thoughts about all things mpotter, that even when i do try to be positive- the negative occurs.

most recent case in point:

today, before my run i said "this run is going to be GOOD. it's perfect weather. i had a great workout yesterday. i had a terrific run on saturday. this will be great!"

instead, i had on OK first half. then the second half didn't work out so well. tired legs (from "great workout") and bad pacing to give me breath-cramps forced me to walk a few times, and i didn't end up doing my full route.

grrrrrrr

Yay tigers!

Dear Dabo,
First of all, Hello! How are you? You must still be reeling with excitement over that glorious win in the ACC Tournament! You looked quite handsome even as they gave you a gatorade bath. Your words were very poised at the end, and I was quite proud to have always stuck with you.

However, I apologize for doubting the Tigers.
To be fair, it wasn't you I was doubting. I have been one of your biggest fans for the past 3 years. I watched how you had a different way of energizing the team. I loved watching when you first began & everyone liked to showcase the way you and the team marched on the field arm-in-arm.
You seemed to bring a togetherness to the team it has lacked since I've been a student at CU.
I saw on many occasions over the past few years how you could really turn it around after a great halftime pep talk.
Still, seeing the way the team had played the previous 4 games.... I didn't count on much.

I'm sorry I told the couple that was wearing their Virginia Tech gear at that little shop in Charlotte that i knew they would win.
(Yes, I'm glad they never found me in order for me to pay them the drink I owed them for kicking their butts in the ACC Tournament)
I even told our waitress at Chili's (a Clemson freshman) that I was just hoping for an interesting game.

You see, I pretty much knew we would lose to GA Tech back when we played them having a record of 8-0 & being #5 in the nation. I didn't really want to be #5. That didn't feel right. I was more content with being #8.
I was OK with losing to GA Tech. Because truly, I didn't expect us to be undefeated. (we're no Alabama or LSU!) and if we had to lose, the yellowjackets were a good match for us.
Certainly didn't want our first loss to be to a crappy team like Maryland (*whew! that was CLOSE). Of course, I wouldn't want to lose to NC State either. (woops). Leaving just USC as potentially "only" loss. That would be horrible. So, I was glad to give up our Tech win. However, watching that game made me shudder. And I knew from then on our battles would be huge. Even more huge than the ones that gave us that 8-0 start.
Beating 3 back-to-back ranked teams didn't seem like a big deal after watching that game and the following games.

USC must have enjoyed wiping us all over the field when we played Thanksgiving weekend.
So, yes. I was a doubter.
But never a hater.

They almost gave me a coronary a few times watching the big game!
I was too afraid to cheer when I saw the many touchdowns and interceptions! I was always afraid the refs would take it all back.

I couldn't believe that it was VT that kept making penalties. For I've seen Clemson give up lots on penalties. (and we tend to not capitalize on lucky breaks)
So-
Kudos to you, Dabo. You and all your team.
I can't wait to see us in the Orange Bowl. (perfectly fitting color, by the way!)

Sincerely,
mpotter- a happy tiger & Dabo fan.

PS- wasn't it precious how everyone began throwing oranges on the field???

PPS- I certainly hope you were able to pull some strings and let the whole town of Clemson finally watch the glorious game, since there was the massive power outage that began just as the game started!!

another new symptom?

i haven't been posting as much as i thought i would have, or would have liked. i'm not exactly sure why that is. we've been pretty busy the past month or so!
guess that'll do it.

overall, things are okay. there were some times mixed in the past few months that have been exceptional (my birthday weekend being one of them!) and some times that were very very blah. apathetic. i guess you could call it depression-lite.

i'm still taking my meds. though, admittedly, i haven't had them each day for one reason or another. don't get me wrong- for the most part i do take them. but if i'm out or busy right then (usually cooking) i end up forgetting. there have been a coupla days where i had forgotten and then consciously decided to just skip the day. no particular reason, really- they don't bother me. not positive they help completely, but they don't seem to be hindering anything.

all of this has led me to conclude that i'm fairly certain of another strange "symptom".
i did let my therapist know ( but she's not a medical doctor, though).
so i mentioned my heart raced a few times. that has all seemed to subside. but something else i feel pretty much nightly is a different heart-thing. because i'm always equipped with "weird" maladies, i guess i only know to call it a tickle-pressure.
maybe the best way to explain it is how you suppress a cough when you're in a quiet room and don't want to disturb others. you know that feeling you get where it tickles and has a pressure on your throat before you give in to it. that is pretty much the feeling i get in my heart (or more likely my lungs) almost every night.

it doesn't hurt. it's..... well, i guess more annoying than anything.

it's been going on for months. basically nightly. however, i am about 90% certain it only occurs on the evenings i do remember to take my pill.
and it only happens when i lie down to go to bed. when i roll over to my side. (it doesn't matter which one). then it lasts for just a few minutes. no big deal, really. annoying mostly. the "cure" is to straighten up, or again, sit up straight as the other heart issue was cured.

so i guess i'm just not sure what to do with this information........
i don't have any visit scheduled with the doctor anytime soon. and really? shall i pester for something so minor? me and my weird body troubles.
see--- i'm doin it wrong.

stirring it up

i was pretty surprised today to realize that i have something more in common with Bob Marley other than the fact i've spent a few days in jamaica.

we both "steer" things we want to mix.

The Mr. & others have made fun of me for years because i don't pronounce it as "sturr"
i've even paid more attention over the years because i didn't want the bean to pick up my bad dialect.

alas, i'm not the only one.

more WTF

since i don't have FB or twitter, i guess i can just post my ramblings here.

i just spent the better part of 30 minutes calling and re-calling and re-calling some "Emergency Medical Billing & Coding" company regarding The Mr.'s fine day in the ER a month ago.

they are (of course) completely automated. down to the message that was on our machine that told me to call them "concerning our account". so i did. duh.
after waiting through the "para espanol...nueve" bit & the "all of our representatives are currently busy- your call is extremely important to us" and that cycle 4 times intermittent with muzak, the robot lady proudly then exclaims "goodbye!" (extremely important, huh??)

in the meanwhile, i'm online looking at my credit statement to make sure that omg! did something happen to our credit card- have we been declined??

so no less than 8 cycles of that BS and "goodbye!"s, i FINALLY get to a dude. it was a pretty crackly connection. after all that- i led with "ummmm fix your system dude b/c i just had to call 9x to connect to you after waiting on hold each time". he seemed unimpressed. (of course)

the call? it was to tell me what i owe. he wanted me to know what insurance covered and what our portion was. you know- the exact same thing that was printed on the BILL.
that i PAID. last week. before it was overdue!

i was less than pleasant when i just told the guy, "you mean i dealt with this for 1/2 an hour to be told what i already know- even though my bill is not overdue?"

really?

a new battle for anti-aging

we all know how we have stupid warnings on products (ie: McDonald's coffee- caution, contents are HOT..... hairdryers- do not use while bathing).
and you just know they are on there for a reason.

the craving & desire for the "fountain of youth" i think may have stooped a little far.
if any of you out there uses the Olay Regenerist line of products, i implore you to read the back label of them. if you click the link, you see that it is definitively the "anti aging products" category.

i first noticed on my foundation the same warning that is also on the moisturizers that i bought.
"children under 6mos of age, please consult a doctor"

this is really just wrong on so many levels!

unfortunately, i couldn't get a good picture of either of the 3 products. just trust me.

important

no doubt a lot of my therapy/problems/issues/sadness stems from never feeling good enough. never feeling important enough.
that's probably easy to happen being the youngest of such a large family.
and the fact that i always strived to be so different from all of them, i guess everyone just thought i didn't require a lot of attention/direction/discipline.

The Mr. feels it, too (tho' it doesn't bother him). but throughout our adult life, on a zillion occasions we'd try to make plans with people, only to be told "we'll see......" (as if they were saying noncommitally sure! unless something comes up). come to think of it, we've heard those exact words several several times.
The Mr. and i have questioned each other- "ummm, isn't that what making plans is?"

so often i'm the caller of my friends. tho, admittedly, that's gotten better overall. but a lot of times when i finally call someone, i may hear "i was just gonna call you, and x happened and then y and then i forgot about z". truth be told, i've said the same things, so i'm not here to bitch.
it's just a pattern i've dealt with much of my life.

this non-importance is a big factor in any negative feelings i feel towards my marriage. please don't misinterpret that as i don't feel like i'm important to The Mr. of course i am--- but it's not usually affirmed. and i'm really trying to get better about realizing it in spite of that.

sometimes things happen and the opposite is true--- when i feel like i am important/cared about by someone who matters to me.
i thought i document my sad times* enough here, it's time to remember that tonight i was important to someone.

my friend just had her third baby. incidentally, i was the 2nd person to find out about her pregnancy. so that was big. but she had her healthy baby boy today. i got word by text. i texted my congratulations. later, The Mr. had asked if i heard from my friend, and how everything was going. i said i wouldn't bother her today.... let it soak in. she's probably on the phone all day with her family/friends, and i wanted her to rest.
well, it made me smile when 8pm rolled around & she immediately called me when she knew littlebean would be asleep because she wanted to talk to me!

with everyone she has to talk to, it was nice to be thought of in the mix.

on top of that, i had a good day with the bean. went to a park, lunch, shopping, & took a stroll.
plus it feels like AUTUMN!

yay me!

*incidentally, when i linked to my "sad times" category, i was surprised to see that i have double the "happy times" posts. yay me!

i want to be more poignant in my writing.
especially today.
but i'm really not able to get much more out than:

i feel like i'm sinking.
again.

and in some ways it's worse.
not the feeling- in fact, it's just a beginning feeling, not the "i'm so done" feeling. (yet)
but i didn't want to keep feeling this way on medication.

i hope to write more later.