new goals

the fitness retreat was a good thing for a few reasons.
1.  "vacation" from life

no- of course it wasn't exactly a vacation.  which i would likely define as sleeping late, eating scrumptiously, touring new places and/or relaxing.        okay so it was NONE of that.... well, it was ONE of that.  and it was the fact i didn't have to think of anything at all. so in some respects it WAS a vacation, i guess.  i didn't plan for anything.  or cook. or clean. or cut up anyone's food. or feed any cats.

2.   giving me a jump start (tiny) on being healthy

although i didn't lose a ton of weight in that week, i did manage to lose a few more pounds once i got home.  i've been pretty stable this past week; but in all honesty, this past week was a lot less what i wanted out of it with different ailments that came my way and some frustrations that sucked my motivation. 

3.  makes me think twice about pushing myself or eating better

yesterday my 1/2 sandwich and salad (!) came with fries.  of which i ate TWO.  that's not like me.   and i only ate those 2 fries because i could, and to see if i would care.  (i didn't).
i have had such little sugar since i've come home.  i only went to starbucks for a mocha (nonfat; light whip) the other day b/c quite frankly not much was going right that day and i wanted SOMETHING.
my friend ate a full-sized snickers in front of me, and i didn't care at all.  i have a lot more willpower than i woulda thought.
[confession:  i did have a small brownie the other day- but even so doing that- i was in all my limits for calorie/fat intake etc]
i ran with my friend on a 10k trail.  we had a little walk warm up.  and we ran 2 miles.  then i walked a little more and ran another 2 1/2 miles.  that is not like me. 
truthfully, though, it was just one of those really good runs.  the weather and my body were cooperating together.  it was "easy" enough.  if i didn't psyche my brain about the tunnels that were coming up- i prob'ly could've even run more.

4.  showed me a new and gorgeous place to travel!

Salt Lake City is pretty gorgeous y'all:

snowshoeing! at Mill Creek Canyon

walked 8 miles! at City Creek Canyon

hiked 6 miles up a different part of Mill Creek Canyon

and i've never seen this much snow:

at Snowbird Resort (easy day)

so now i have a new life goal!
i will do my best to make sure littlegirl (and ME of course) gets to travel to every state.
and i can't wait for that to begin!

although we all went to Florida last summer, we're getting ready to go back in a few weeks and that will be very vacation like.

22373

this week was tough.  for sure.  it was amazing how hard i was able to work.  i was really afraid i'd be knocked down again like the only other time in my life i exercised consistently.

even though i had some adjustments to make to the higher altitude, i was able to do everything that was asked of me each day- and i pushed myself harder than ever.

and i was able to burn twenty-two thousand three hundred seventy-three active calories in less than 6 days.
not including any of the thousand calories i burned while sleeping, or hundreds of calories as i just was sitting.

my time here is done, and i know if i was here one more week i would have been able to do even better.  now i'm acclimated to the altitude and am not as fatigued/sore as i spent much of this week.  rolling over in bed was a challenge, but also just sitting.  and moving.

when i got here, i would routinely get bouts of nausea, but nothing that stayed like in 2012.  i will say, though, that i gave caffeine up a week before i got here, and i had a perpetual headache all last week until mid week this week.  i don't think that was strictly caffeine related (my withdrawals are usually just 2 or 3 days' worth) but in any case, i've been feeling better about that these last few days.

thursday-saturday were considerably easier than mon-wed.  in fact, yesterday (saturday) we barely exerted ourselves at all.  we hiked the bottom of a canyon (about 4.5 mi) and had an hour of yoga.  besides that, we had an hour of resting in a gorgeous spa.  then we went on a grocery tour.

i had my going home assessment today, and i was pretty sad that the 22373 calories didn't show themselves much in weight loss.  but 7 total inches lost sounded pretty bonus to me!
it is quite disheartening to know that i won't (obv) be able to keep up with 4000+ cals a day of loss.  but theory is that when i'm back to my elevation i will use my water more efficiently and not retain it.  Leah seems to think i'm not done yet.

now if only i can continue to totally change my life.......
i NEED to keep this up.

lucky girl

greetings from Salt Lake City, Utah!
i keep reminding myself to enjoy every minute of it because not many people have a Mr. like mine. 
he is going to find out even more of what i go thru while he travels extensively for his job.  because he will have little girl for much longer (almost double on a normal week) than i do;  and he is also going to be working his job for the most part of it.

i have tremendous friends that are helping out one day b/c he has a meeting to get to.

i am currently looking out of my hotel window with a view of a mountain.  not too shabby.
and when i go to the other side of the hotel where the elevator is, i see gorgeous snow-covered mountains over there, too!

i happen to be here on the weekend of the large conference the Mormons hold.  my friend Christina liked my term i used for my adventures into the city last night.  "swarmon"  as in swarming mormons.  so while i was trying to find a place to eat before my retreat officially starts with orientation tonight, so were all the many people of LDS faith.  also passed a few other people who wanted to antagonize the LDS belief system.

i have today to putz around.  reading in bed & watching a movie in a theater is in my agenda!!  wow!  and tomorrow, at 6am (bright eyed and bushy-tailed optional), i will begin my time here where i can only imagine how exhausted i will feel at the end of each day.

i'm so fortunate that The Mr. has allowed me to take a vacation from life! 
i'm very hopeful for the outcome.

nails and thieves

warning:  this post will be about the dreaded topic of religion.
proceed at your own risk. 

the bean has been going to a church preschool since she was 2.  down here in the south, unless you shell out the big dough for montessori preschool, then church it is.  back then, she went 1 morning a week.  last year was 3 mornings & this year is 4.

The Mr. and i are not religious.  and i personally have struggled with the concept of religion and what i believe (or not) since i was in college.  when we had the bean, we decided we would forgo our comfortableness & one day bring her to church.  we understand that we live in a religious area.  99% of her friends growing up will definitely be believers.  many of them will be avid.
we want her to have an understanding about the world she lives in.

but more importantly, we want her to be accepting of the world she lives in.  accepting of everyone.  religious or not.  ultimately, we want her to be a compassionate & good person.  and i have seen first hand in some of my "very faithfully catholic" family that religion is not a guarantee of that.

all this to set up this upcoming holiday around the religious preschool she attends.
i understand that obviously, she will learn about God & Jesus.  and this kid seriously asks us some deep huge questions (already!).  we are glad that she knows about them, and "loves" them in her capacity.
incidentally, growing up, i remember listening to 2 albums-- Music Machine & Bullfrogs 'n Butterflies.  i bought these for the bean last year, and she plays them most times during her rest time.  she loves them! (as did i!...... quite catchy, those tunes-godlike and all.)

i understand that easter is 90% about Jesus.  i've said before that christmas can be important both because of jesus, and the spirit of the season.  but with easter, i've always been confused.

i have no problems with the bean learning about Jesus and his birth, and even his death- as long as it is all done appropriately.  but i see no reason in bringing in some of the gory details when it does nothing to serve a 3 or 4 year old in their understanding/accepting of Jesus' love.  (which, is kinda the point at this age, right?  an introduction in this belief, and an openness to becoming christian as she gets older)

last year, i was pretty confused as to how her school handled some of the easter story.
i wasn't offended.  but honestly confused.  one day, out of the blue, she asked me what "thieves" were.  i explained it to her and realized that in telling the story about Jesus' death, they mentioned the 2 others on the crosses next to him.  in fact, she came home with a "craft" that was nothing more than gluing 3 crosses on a paper.  (in itself was pointless) and explained to me the other crosses were for the thieves.
which, what??   what does that have to do with the reason for the holiday?  a simple "Jesus loved us and died for our sins" mantra would have sufficed for a 3 year old. right?

well, this year it got better.  she brought home a paper with a few tidbits of information, which she put some christian-y stickers on.  (again- pointless).  and on that paper is the short story of the reason for easter.  not forgetting that "Jesus wore a crown of thorns and the soldiers used nails to hang him on the cross to die"
really??  was that the best word choice?  you couldn't just get to the whole "Jesus loved us and died for our sins and three days later rose again"??
you had to be gory? 
which, in my opinion can hold value for christians.  to learn of the suffering and humiliation involved. so people can grasp the severity of the situation.  and realize the scope of his love.  i can understand that.  (don't people still suffer and get humiliated?  it's relatable) but i can understand that as a child gets older.  maybe around 8.  where in the catholic church, teachings get more involved as they prepare for first communion. (which you need to understand in order to get the full effect of the catholic communion).
8 year olds have a certain maturity to them. (here is another take on an 8 year old in the Mormon/LDS church)
and if that's not the magic age.... i beg to differ that four is it.

so many concerns and questions i have in regards to religion and raising our daughter.
it is something The Mr. and i discuss.  and of course- it's personal and different for everyone.
so please understand it's not the underlying issue i have issue with.  it's the details that i just think have been shared a little too needlessly to the too young.

and rant is now over.

still supportive

i have documented numerous times in the past how supportive The Mr. has been of me. 
from accepting i didn't want to have kids & loving me anyway, to allowing me to quit a perfectly fine job to hope for something new to come along, to many other times in our 18years together.

his support is the reason we have the little bean now.  it's the reason i was able to work for a company that means something to me.  it's the reason we have been able to build our life together and allow me to stay home with our little girl.

he deals with (somehow) all of the darkness i bring to the table.  he allows me to be social even though he would rather not be.  i have girls night aplenty while he's gone.  and even this past week he didn't mind that he came home to a Mary Kay party in progress.

and his support continues.
he didn't bat an eye when i asked if i can take off for a week.
he never questioned it and said "go. i'll figure it out" in regards to his crazy work schedule, and getting his parents to come help out because of said work schedule.

so, i am happy to report that in early april i will be working my ass off here! i will be having nutrition classes, life coaching, daily constant exercise PLUS 12 weeks (that's THREE MONTHS) of long-distance coaching... all thanks to Unite Fitness & The Mr.  [to be clear- Unite Fitness is not providing me with anything other than the place to do it.  The Mr. is providing the cash & the time].

so though i will have a vacation from life- i assure you it will not be a "vacation".  i also plan to bring my self-help reading material.  not that i will be able to function enough to work on myself.  but i guess i need to do all i can do to combat all that i feel on a constant daily basis.

i'm especially excited the retreat is in salt lake city.  the 2 layovers i've had there have amazed me to no end.  seeing the large expanse of mountains (not even the rockies!!) have enthralled me each time.  i cannot wait to be right there in the thick of it!

i have a LOT of work to do between now and then.
i can't wait!
i really hope i can come home as someone worthy of such unfailing support.
to The Mr.  Thank you.  for this.....  and all!

statistics

i have always loved statistics. 
i have never formally studied them, but i always love when magazines give data.  surveys.  percentages. 
back in the olden days (before the gods invented tivo) we had to watch these snippets on TV called commercials.  you guys- they aren't just for superbowl sunday!
anyways, i used to be fairly keen on targeted demographics of such commercials.  i guess i would be more apt to notice if they missed their target audience. 

i digress.

i had always wanted to take a statistics course in college.  the closest i came was a grad-level course at USC (go cocks!)  (heh.... bet that just earned me some google hits)  (and some squinty enemy eyes from my tiger friends.- GO TIGERS)
the course was about educational assessment methods.  i was fascinated*.
[i have a 4.0 in my only class of grad school!]

The Mr. has recently suggested that part of my dire mood could be attributed to my normal round of cabin fever.  i always have been down in summers b/c school would be out and i'd have nothing to stress about/focus on.
he wisely suggested i work on something to focus my time so i get out of this shitty slump i can't seem to shake.

when we were talking about what to even do, i mentioned statistics and he brightened up and (easily) found a free site that is essentially a statistics course.

unfortunately, it has been put by the wayside b/c i'm trying to trek my way through not one, not two, but THREE self-help books re: my shitty disposition.  so my time is involved with either vegging out b/c those workbooks are taking a lot out of me, or taking the time to slog through them.

however, i have been keeping up with my own statistics... so that should the need arise, i can share more data with my next doctor b/c we are still unsure about what my "ailments" are about.  this came about b/c for the first several days of '13 i was being plagued by headaches.

so, a snippet of my own personal statistical data:

in one month, i have:  

• been depressed 52% of the time.  (the other half hasn't been happy; but it just wasn't significant enough for me to call myself depressed.  it basically was just existing)
• had headaches 28% of the time
• been nauseated 9%
• had caffeine 130% of the time.  which translates into only one day of having no caffeine.  incidentally, that day i did not have a headache.
• had one root canal due to my shitty luck and amazing coordination.
• had incredible bouts of sleepiness 6 days.  one of those days being i dropped off littlegirl, read aforementioned help-book for 15 minutes and was overcome to sleep for 1.5hrs.  in the MORNING.
• had social visits/outings 19 days.
• had 1 1/2 nights of some new oddity affecting my sleep.

if you want to know what i've eaten (nothing particularly healthy) i can tell you about every morsel.  i can also tell you how many times we've had sex (hey! another google hit), and when i was told "i love you".....
i'm trying to track everything!

so glad i like statistics.


*this class was so cool.  and i got an A after writing a paper- true story- about how i cannot write this paper.  my argument was valid.  four point oh!

no '13 list

so i looked at my archives and found my lists i made last year about my accomplishments/goals.

i will not be making a list for 2013.  which is a shame, since 13 is my number.
but looking at those lists just depressed me.  again.

i can't even fathom what i would do in '13; and i see how much i changed/failed for '12!

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also, i just looked at my archives and see that i didn't discuss the body wraps (nothing to say/report).  and i also didn't post about the current state of my health.

the short of it is:  as usual, i'm "fine"

actually went to a good endocrynologist at the end of october.  my bloodwork came back perfect.

my cholesterol was even lower than my original number (and in the good range)--- even tho' my exercise and eating hadn't been up to par.

which leads The Mr. to conclude (and i to tend to agree) that my medication made me sick.

i still don't understand that, since i had been on it for 6months before these symptoms piled on me.

however, i'm not going to pretend that i feel just perfect even now.

in fact, as i type this, i'm fighting the urge to sleep.  

which---- this is one of the big symptoms i had to begin with way back a year ago.

my Dr. "endo" suggested that this narcoleptic feeling may be diet-based.

tho' it puzzled her b/c even tho i'm into carbs- they are usually paired with protein; which i guess theoretically would cancel out the sluggish/sleepy feeling i feel.

(which is new to me- even tho i've ALWAYS had the same diet.)

she negated the diagnosis of "Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome" that the one doctor had suggested.

and going to get answers from her was difficult, b/c by end of Oct, my symptoms were fleeting and i was more normal than jan-mar.  it's hard to diagnose severe headaches/nausea from months back, yeah?

well, i've been tracking almost everything for the past 8 days because i'm starting to feel bad again (not to the same extent, but enough that i'm tracking everything) and i know if i go to another doctor, i want more detailed info to share.

everything from my mood, to caffeine intake affecting headaches, nausea, tiredness, and my general exercise/diet combo.

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i'm wondering if i should find another med to help me with my hating all of my guts, but both The Mr. & i are reluctant to start this cycle all over again.  especially considering the last "results" and how i never was convinced Celexa was totally working for me.

as The Mr. says "you already have all these odd ailments... i don't want to add a new medicine on top of that".  which is a good point.

but the other side of that?

is hating all of my guts.

so, here's to 2013. and the list/goals i'm not making.

i'm just wanting to get through it.

and if i can be happy about it, that can be a bonus.

 

 

 

unbelievable

i cannot be any more amazed at clemson tigers tonight!
the biggest woo-hoo the internet can muster.

unbelievable.

for those of you who don't know/ and might care-
they had the first 11 win season in years (only 4 in 130+ years) by beating LSU (wtf) in the chickfila bowl.

never would have ever thought that to happen.
especially since one of our stars was injured (and fumbled) on the opening play.

i have been a fan of dabo swinnney for ever.
let it continue!!!

GO TIGERS

merry merry

it has been a busy and fun december (as usual).
i haven't fallen again.
and we're looking forward to the next week or so with families & friends.

hope you have a wonderful holiday, too. 

AAAAAHHHH FALL!

so november started out with a bang.

november 1st i went for a run with The Mr. for the first time in 10 months or more.
i struggled up the little hill out of my neighborhood.
then, i fell.

truly.
on my face.
it was awfully painful, embarrassing & ridiculous.

nothing was there to make me fall.  i didn't trip over anything.  The Mr. has seen me fall on quite a few occasions in our life.  usually i just skin my knee really bad & rip my jeans or something.

i broke a front tooth in half (beautiful). chipped the other front tooth, and for good measure cracked the 3rd tooth. i had a fat lip, i scraped the heck out of my palm & got GIANT road burn on my knee.  bruised the other knee.

i was in pain for a week.

i came home from the dentist all "nice & fixed" 2 hours from when it all started.  so that was good.  The Mr. was with me, so that was excellent.

my tooth still doesn't feel exactly normal, but i'm able to manage eating.  (biting into things is still causing odd feelings).  and my knee has finally stopped hurting and i was able to get up and down stairs last week.

so today i ran again.
and according to Nike + i logged my 100th mile (exactly).  and i didn't fall!

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and november didn't start off well for my brother and his wife, who have spent the better part of the month with their daughter in ICU.  things were looking dire there for a bit.
i think (??) the worst fear is over, and she needs to continue to heal. (still in the ICU)

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we spent some time in the mountains last weekend, so that was nice.
the bean's 20+minute loud as hell tantrum in the orchard was not so nice. 

why is it the "best" tantrums are for no reason at all?

the waterfalls we hiked & drove to were nice.  the leaves were mostly pretty (tho' in the NC mountains, they were probably 3/4 already fallen).  and hanging out with The Mr.'s parents was nice.

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we are looking forward to the thanksgiving holidays.  it will be a very long weekend filled with family time, relaxing time, yummy food time, football time, and hopefully injury-free/hospital-free time. 

i hope your fall is going well, and you're not being literal with the term as i had been!

happy holidays