Thursday, March 12, 2015

supportive friends

i love the daily/weekly checkins with my friends.
i hate that i don't talk to all of my friends as often as i should.
but i concentrate when i do hear from a friend how much it makes me smile.

i need to be a better one!

Saturday, February 28, 2015


it is apparent that i turn the little ones in my life lazy.  or snuggly.  however you wanna look at it. 

the bean who used to flail out of any cover ever now knows exactly how to snuggle into them with me.  and we start each morning before school with 15minutes of just that!
yiminy, who was never a lap-cat before, has certainly learned how to. he mainly comes when i call and i can usually get him to snuggle with me.  or then there's times he finds my belly and just plops right down.
(sadly, all that became more prevalent after we lost sweet Doh)
then NC ("neighbor's cat") who spent a year and a half campaigning to come into our house routinely shows her appreciation.  when she sees me sitting down, she comes to snuggle.  not only snuggle, but she will butt up against my leg and glue herself to me and puuuurrrrrrrrr

all this becomes a problem because i can't stand to disturb a good snuggle!   

my day is turned around and dependent on a good one.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

The Mr.

today's daily grateful is brought to you by The Mr.
not to be all drippy and sappy.  i'm not feelin it like that....
but i am constantly reminded of how lucky i am that he is in my life.  the fact that he is makes my life better. 
so that is something i need to constantly keep up front of my warped little head.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015


that my kitty who was hospitalized recently seems all back to normal and sleeps with me all through the night, eagerly awaiting my alarm to go off.

now if only he could do that for The Mr.

Monday, February 23, 2015

daily grateful

i would like to try to get back into this- even if it's short and uncomprehensible....

i am in fear that my motivation is still not where it needs to be; maybe i try this umpteenth medication- i haven't yet just because.

i want to focus on so many things- and that's usually my problem.
maybe if i start kicking my ass more. like i used to.

so for now i'm hoping to start a daily grateful....
there is SO much.  and i really am aware of much of it.  but hopefully if i write something down, that can be my positive.

this one came to me yesterday:
while i was napping (:

it came with a piece of her valentine's candy and a big smile.
i thought the note was sweet enough.  i love those 3 little smileys she drew! ha!! 
and sorry to burst all y'all's bubbles that i am the best mommy.  she tells me this constantly!!

maybe one day i'll believe her (:

Tuesday, February 10, 2015


this is the umpteenth post i've thought about writing.
i just never do because i can't formulate my thoughts complete enough.

i'm still here.

and speaking of umpteenth, i am starting yet another medication.
ohmygod the ups and downs!
finally found something that more or less worked, but the side effects are such that Dr. NewGuy wants me off. and to begin something ELSE.
this is like my 6th medication?????  
holy hell.

generally speaking, things have been fine.  in the last month i've felt a little more up than down.  the holidays came and went and were fun.  i thrive in that busy time of fun!

since i wrote last, i turned 40 and had a wonderful blast with some of my closest girlfriends in a mountain house.  so now plans are being made to do a mother/daughter trip late this summer. 
other plans are being made for spring break and summer.....  things are nice right now.

i'm disgruntled at the newest medicine.  i will fill it and begin later this week.....
hope to be back to document!

Saturday, September 6, 2014


a few surreal things have occurred recently.  in no particular order of importance:

The Mr. will miss our 12th wedding anniversary because he is exactly where he was a year ago when he missed our 11th anniversary. [ obviously, no, i didn't come with.]i am constantly being challenged with the concept of the time change.  it's fun to share with The Bean, too.  we get a kick out of knowing that we wake up when he goes to sleep.
However, time really does seem warped to know that he sent me an anniversary card from the airport when he left.  it came to me as he landed.
it makes sense since his travel day was pretty much 24hrs, but when you put it that way, it just felt pretty surreal.

this morning, The Bean asked me if we ever went to Callaway Gardens.  I told her we went when she was a baby.  so after breakfast, i pulled up her blog & showed her a few of the pix I had posted.  which led to a couple of other posts.  which led to me just randomizing my blog...  she was pretty captivated and she captivated me by reading my words back to me.
that's surreal enough- but another great thing-  she gets my humor! 

 i have been having lots of deep dreams again, lately.  this is nothing new to me.  whether it is brought about because of (yet another) medication i really can't tell.  what i do know is these are surreal, yes, but not as evil or dark or scary as some of mine can be (medicated or not)

 i am currently typing this while watching the Ohio State, Virginia Tech game.  surreal that i care a damn about football that's not even Clemson.  surreal that VT is up by 2 TD's after OSU missed not one but 2 field goal attempts.  the fact that I even know that is surreal is surreal in itself.

unfortunately there is some surreal shit going on in my family that is not at all what would be expected (even from my crazy family).    it's life-changing.  and not the good kind.

The Bean has had more bouts of odd coincidences.   (The Mr. calls them coincidences.  i'm not sure how to explain them).  
she pretended some squirrels were named Coleman and Lillianna.  Two names that I know in my life; neither of which are amazingly important- but those are not names we know of in her little 6 year old world.  Neither one of them are particularly common.  And who names squirrels anyway??

Also surreal?  she said to me that 90 is old and she doesn't want to be old.  She only wants to be 40.  anyone who knows me knows that is amazing.  and what 6 year old thinks like that.  At breakfast. when we were not talking about birthdays or ages or old or anything that could have led her to this statement.

and lastly?  she spoke in such a way that I seriously had to consider if something is ESP if your own mind is blank.  I will be posting that story on her blog next.....

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

musings of Munich

what a lucky lucky girl I am.  i had another opportunity to travel with The Mr. this past summer.  I can't believe i'm just now getting to writing about it.

The Mr. spent 2 weeks in Munich for work, and i got to join in on the end of his stint.  we had a long weekend together and had a great time.

my fabulous sister came & stayed with the bean a day early so i could change my flight.  turned out we got to watch the US/Germany game play in the World Cup in the Olympic Stadium.  yes it was as awesome as that sounds.  i think the only thing cooler than that would have been had we been in brazil.

my first taste of german food was quite authentic.  first we got a pretzel.  then we got a brat & beer at the game.  we were all decked out in our RedWhite&Blue.  and, even though we lost, it was a great game!  the only downside were the few random jerks who actually had the nerve to Boo! the national anthem.

the next day The Mr. had to work but walked me to a nearby lake & i had lunch and read my book awhile.  we walked to dinner in downtown Unterschleishem at a yummy Indian restaurant & got ice cream afterwards.

saturday we spent the day in Munich center.  walked around Marienplatz & sat at the biergarten in Englischer Garten for most of the day.  it took that long to nurse the giant beers we had.

sunday we got on a train and went to Salzburg.  it was lovely! my first authentic train experience. sadly it rained the whole 24hrs we were there.  but still got to see that Salzburg is quite charming.  i will go back someday in the sun.  after much debate, we decided to go ahead and take the tram up to Untersberg even though it was rainy/foggy.  we were so glad we did. it was a fun(ny) experience. 

finally!  a speck of sun.  too bad this is on our way out...

actual view from tram going up the Alp.  Not to be confused with our Santa Barbara view

back to Munich on Monday to leave on Tuesday.  it was a whirlwind for sure.  i didn't mind.  we came back in time to do 4th of July & bean's birthday.  a relaxing july was had; and school is now back in session!

i look forward to the next opportunity i'll have to take advantage of The Mr.'s free miles!

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

from the mouth

monday morning, we were getting ready for Girl Scout (day) Camp. 

"did you know daddy put lotion on my bumps last night?
i have 2 bumps. but i can't show you one, because it's deleted."

over Spring Break, while at the aquarium:
she was looking at the animal called the Mud Skipper & asked me to read about it.  as i read all the information on the card, she said "they should've said AND IT'S GROSS"

same aquarium.
she read the sign "school of fish", saw a large fish swim up and said "that's the principal!"

Thursday, April 24, 2014


oh so much mulling in my mind......

....we had a completely marvelous spring break!  TN was awesome.  everyone enjoyed each other for the most part.  except for watching a very distressing/realistic depiction of *something* in season 3 of Downton Abbey & a couple of moments from the bean, it was perfect!

....i can't wait for the next state! we (i) haven't planned where we're going this summer yet.  but we'll definitely do something.  i have a map in our bonus room that i'm coloring in as we go.  unfortunately, it's not working out as i planned.  i had hoped to go see my friend that moved to AR this past summer.  when i saw where she was, i see she's on the edge so that woulda given us an opportunity to see 3 states!  however, sadly we just aren't friends anymore.  once she left she left.  it breaks my heart but i can't constantly reach out only to be left hanging.  she warned me she's like that.  i just didn't think she'd be like that with me.

.... i just dropped the bean off at school (!!!) and i had that typical cliche moment where she looked back at me.  and yeah.  cliche abound.  that shit really does get to you.

....The Mr. & i watched the NCAA basketball championship.... ie "pick'ems"  we had a wager on it.  it was the most exciting set of games we've seen probably ever.  it was fun! and as down to the wire most of those games were, our brackets were too and The Mr. won by 2pts.  now i have to watch an episode of the ever stupid "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia".   used to watch that show with him; then i realized i'm not a 10 year old boy.

...have intended to write posts on Dr. New Guy and meds and all....  the short of it is i am off all meds right now (and have been for about 2 months). 
he upped what was working for me. but that wasn't working for me.  so he took me off & said take a break for about a month with intention of starting #4 (!!).  i could also go back to #3 first dose if i wanted.
i don't know what i want.
i was dealing with some other major issues & feel i handled it well- unmedicated.  so now i don't know i don't know i don't know.

...our winter is over- though every time i go to i see the red warning headline that SOMEONE out there is expecting 12" snow again.  we had 2 "snows", along with those "cold" days.
the day before Easter was cloudy, dark, rainy & cold.  i couldn't believe it was actually Easter.  however, wake up sunday and it was our typical spring lovely.

...& the night before Easter, The Mr. & i went to see Lion King at the Fox.
i'm sad to say that it wasn't as astoundingly wonderful as i'd been told/hoped/thought.
yes it was a good night out.  yes the costumes were innovative.  but, i don't know.  it was just not the oomph we had hoped for.
same with Book of Mormon. 
[those 2 shows alone are what drove us to buy season tickets]
to be fair, Lion King isn't my all-time-fave anyway.  i have probably only seen it 2ce; and not in ages.

...however we decided we will bring the bean to The Little Mermaid on her birthday this year (great timing!) and that is one of my fave disney shows. i hope this one will be better!'s been a year since i got to go to Utah and boy am i frustrated.  i have instilled a pact w/ my 2 friends to spur us all on. and for some reason it's just not working for me.  even on my really really good days i'm not moving the scale (in the right direction) very much.  zaps my motivation for sure.  along with that month i was dealing with all the other stuff. i just can't focus.
really wish i could get my motivation back (meds??) because THIS is as much vacation as i'm gonna have this year.... 6 hours of school each day.  and that is quickly winding down.

okay- i guess i should be done rambling for now.  hope to be back with a proper post soon.