nine years

oh the thoughts that run through my head this time of year.  
at this moment 9 years ago we were assured that there was no way our baby wouldn't have a birthday on july 8th.  (it's not! she was born at 3:57am july 9th via C-section)
the amount of feelings that get conjured up year after year.  from july 7th-9th and beyond....

i am still, 9 years later, reminded of things that were happening at certain times. 
things that weren't happening.
frustrations. failures. pain. worry. elation. surprise. delirium. embarrassment.  a whole lot of delirium. a moment of tenderness.
i can almost guarantee i will wake to see the clock shortly before 4am.

they say you forget.
i guess things dull, sure.
but i haven't forgotten.

and each year i get completely gobsmacked with ALL OF THE FEELINGS. 
and each year i keep hoping i can just not.

it is such a happy time of year!  i love celebrating bean's birthday.  creating (hopefully) special memories for her to actually remember.  doing our traditions.  making the video.  don't get me wrong, it's all pretty great. and i look forward to it every year.

but with the joy it brings me so much more.

things that i wish could be different never can.
things that i worry about will never be resolved.
memories that plague me can't be forgotten. 
feelings these memories evoke can't be unfelt.

and i just don't know how to get over it.

so along with the bittersweetness of my BABY getting OLD, it's definitely a bittersweet holiday as well.
maybe next year.....