oh the thoughts that run through my head this time of year.
at this moment 9 years ago we were assured that there was no way our baby wouldn't have a birthday on july 8th. (it's not! she was born at 3:57am july 9th via C-section)
the amount of feelings that get conjured up year after year. from july 7th-9th and beyond....
i am still, 9 years later, reminded of things that were happening at certain times.
things that weren't happening.
frustrations. failures. pain. worry. elation. surprise. delirium. embarrassment. a whole lot of delirium. a moment of tenderness.
i can almost guarantee i will wake to see the clock shortly before 4am.
they say you forget.
i guess things dull, sure.
but i haven't forgotten.
and each year i get completely gobsmacked with ALL OF THE FEELINGS.
and each year i keep hoping i can just not.
it is such a happy time of year! i love celebrating bean's birthday. creating (hopefully) special memories for her to actually remember. doing our traditions. making the video. don't get me wrong, it's all pretty great. and i look forward to it every year.
but with the joy it brings me so much more.
things that i wish could be different never can.
things that i worry about will never be resolved.
memories that plague me can't be forgotten.
feelings these memories evoke can't be unfelt.
and i just don't know how to get over it.
so along with the bittersweetness of my BABY getting OLD, it's definitely a bittersweet holiday as well.
maybe next year.....