Thursday, August 11, 2011

an exception?

i can be fairly superstitious at times. not generally the "step on a crack" or 'umbrella open in the house' type, but the "don't say anything or you'll jinx it" type.

that jinxing it has proven true time and time again in the course of my life.
from complimented talents suddenly disappearing, to students in my classrooms losing their "great day" status.

i hope like hell, that this is an exception!

when i recapped the latest on Celexa last time, i presented that all was well. (it was!)
and now....

man, i'm so frustrated.
and at this moment (6am) i'm a little anxious about the day. not anxious in symptoms and shaking and panic, but anxious as in "what's it gonna be like" [it's currently 7am and i've been dealing with the bean for the past half hour.... so now i think i know what it's gonna be like]

in my last post, i mentioned that it generally takes a month or so to begin to feel effects of the meds. and my head is just racing "pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease don't let this be the effects i'm supposed to feel"

what i didn't mention was the last friday, inexplicably, i cried.
in my normal state of depression, crying is not terribly common, but sure- it's been known to happen. mostly out of strong feelings. a hard day with either The Mr. or the bean would certainly wear on me and tears would, at the very least, sting my eyes.
in a fit of anger, crying is a huge outlet. as is screaming. (the ugly cry we've heard of. but i have an ugly scream that goes along with it.)

friday night was different.
i just cried.
silent tears welled up. and it overtook me.
nothing strong. no sobbing.
my BFF said it was a "good cry".

she poses that it's just everything coming down at once with low-quality sleep and no breaks among other things.
made sense to me.

oh, and The Mr. was fantastic about the whole thing. it really came as a big surprise to both of us. nothing prompted such big raindrop tears. and i assure you, my head wasn't upset at the time at all.
and, i guess it was a good cry.
i know The Mr. made me feel comforted, and that was a very nice feeling.

i thought the crying was a fluke.
and maybe it was.
but yesterday was. not. good.
and i cried for the better part of the evening. until bean went to bed (hallelujah 7:30!) & i could just get the day out of my system. i vegged in front of a movie (which turned out to be a little depressing. woops).

i'm not sure what happened exactly.
the morning was good. we had a playdate & all was well.
until she kinda refused her rest-time. (this crazy girl has stopped napping.... doesn't help)
and from my going upstairs a zillion times in 30 mins, i ended it. with explicit instructions that THIS IS MY REST TIME TOO and to come downstairs, but leave me alone. (in a pleasant tone, of course!)

from there, she was constantly underfoot.
testing and pestering me. being particularly needy. clumsy, even.
it was just a hard and frustrating 1/2 day.

so i called The Mr. crying. (travel this week. prob'ly doesn't help matters)
ohmigod how awful i felt about that. i just didn't know what to do!
i wanted his opinion on if i should go ahead and up my dose or not.
he was suuuuuuuppper busy at work and had his own difficult day.
and for the life of me, i don't know WHY i can't just stop needing him during those times.
talk about being particularly needy!
that kind of shit is one thing that annoys the hell out of me.
it's a cycle i don't know how to break.
i get depressed.....i need him (too much. inopportune times. annoying)...... which makes me more depressed.
he was great, don't misread that. he didn't see it like that at all.

it didn't help matters that i had written a semi-good/semi-important email to him just yesterday morning. so i felt like i ruined any good of that.
again, he says he didn't see it like that.

and ohmigosh just like that i have to leave this with thoughts somewhat not wrapped-up, as the bean is not having a good morning, and i must brace myself for the day ahead.....

1 comment:

Pregnantly Plump said...

I realize it's the end of the day now. I hope the day got better for you!