i didn't want to post this on littlebean's blog b/c my family doesn't know of my struggle .
if you know me, or have read my blog, then you know i'm the youngest of 13 kids.
that has a lot to do w/ my decision to not have kids. i remember once breaking my mom's heart... i was going into the 8th grade, and she took me to register at a new school. of course in all the paperwork, you always have to list brothers & sisters. so, when the secretary saw my lineage, she was amazed & quickly asked "how do you like it?" well, unfortunately for mom, i quickly responded. "i don't"
ooooooooohhhh that's gotta hurt!
& i really didn't mean anything by it. to me, it was just no big deal. i mean, that was my life. and since i'm the youngest, it was the only life i'd ever known. we never talked about it (that i remember) but i know she was hurt.
ask mommy & daddy how many kids they always wanted, and their response was something like "however many God will give us"....
my family is catholic. and from the north (which, for some reason it seemed a little more accepted to have a bazillion kids.... guess b/c there are tons o' catholics up north as opposed to down south). anyway- i digress.
that's just how it was. you didn't plan and prepare and wish and hope. you just did the deed and saw what happened. then it was "easy" to raise 1, 4, 9, 13 kids. b/c that's just how it was.
when asked how many kids i wanted (why, by the way, is it always assumed? as a kid, you're not asked if. you're asked how many....) i always responded- loudly- "NOT 13!"
but of course, i'd meet a guy, get married & have kids. i guess i always knew i'd have more than one. b/c an only child??? how sad! and i didn't want 3. b/c a middle child??? how sad! so it was pretty much down to 2 kids or 4. hey, i know! give me twins... let it be done.
i went to college. i began to question some things. like why/how my parents could even have that many. how did it work out (i STILL don't know!!!), if it was a good idea. i questioned religion. i did what a lot of college kids do. i just questioned. out of true curiosity. not rebellion. not angst.
it was a long time of pondering.
The Mr. & i had already begun dating in the midst of this. even when we first got together, i was super excited b/c he was catholic. !! and how none of my family ever dated, let alone married a catholic. unheard of down south! (he's from the north)
so at the beginning of us, we fell in love. and of course, we both wanted kids.
and then----i didn't......