back in the saddle

it is with some anxiety & sadness that i report i am back in the saddle again with meds.

my whole life i've struggled with depression.  and my whole life it comes and goes.  i have not yet found any particular pattern. 
i have looked for patterns; i have even documented my every day from jan 1- july 1 and then i got super busy.  since then, my tracking has been less obsessed, but i did try to hit the main parts of the spreadsheet until recently.

over the course of this year/ past few months, i have done my typical highs & lows.  (to be clear- this is not bipolar.  i am not manic nor euphoric).  the way i recently came to describe it is that i hate myself so completely.. just some days i'm better at ignoring it than others.

well, i'm really tired of it.

really.

it's a sadness that permeates me.  so it obviously bleeds into other important parts of my life (like my kid & husband).  i function very well, so it has not completely overtaken me.  but it does dominate my mind a lot.  which translates into marital stress- especially when The Mr. is traveling.

so i'm biting the bullet.  today i saw a medical doctor with special interest in pharmacology.  my therapist mentioned him to me several years ago, and was particularly interested in my seeing him even last year when i had my mysterious sickness.
turns out, this new guy pretty much agrees that Celexa is what did me in.  he told me celexa is in a class of drugs that typically has latent side effects.  6months later or so.  which is when mine began.

i intended to talk to new guy about medical issues & such as it leads to depression.  he seemed pretty confident that my most major issues went away when i weaned myself off.  and any other mild complaints i have are not very severe or consistent to warrant any more diagnoses.

he sent me on my way with a new drug.
that i will fill tomorrow.

he knows i'm wary of taking drugs for depression, but i didn't harp on that too much because he is convinced that Wellbutrin will help me.  and it shouldn't come with all that sickness i dealt with.  i also didn't harp on it too much, because as i said- i'm very tired of this.
i want it to end.
and if i have to take a bloody pill, then so be it.

because lately my motivation is at almost record lows.  so exercise & nutrition has been out the window.  which is horrible, because i made a giant investment -both in money and self- when i went and had a kickass time in utah.

since school began, i have exercised more regularly, but i keep waiting til' later to focus on nutrition.

my motivation is low that i get in ruts.  and the bean is quick to irritate me (without meaning to, many times) and sometimes -especially when The Mr. is gone- i just want to sit & veg.
zero motivation.
can interfere with good parenting.
and good marriaging.

so i will try something new.
i'm filling it tomorrow, and depending on how early it is ready, i may even take pill #1 tomorrow.
in any case, i will re-post side effect data for my records.

DAMMIT.