nine years

oh the thoughts that run through my head this time of year.  
at this moment 9 years ago we were assured that there was no way our baby wouldn't have a birthday on july 8th.  (it's not! she was born at 3:57am july 9th via C-section)
the amount of feelings that get conjured up year after year.  from july 7th-9th and beyond....

i am still, 9 years later, reminded of things that were happening at certain times. 
things that weren't happening.
frustrations. failures. pain. worry. elation. surprise. delirium. embarrassment.  a whole lot of delirium. a moment of tenderness.
i can almost guarantee i will wake to see the clock shortly before 4am.

they say you forget.
i guess things dull, sure.
but i haven't forgotten.

and each year i get completely gobsmacked with ALL OF THE FEELINGS. 
and each year i keep hoping i can just not.

it is such a happy time of year!  i love celebrating bean's birthday.  creating (hopefully) special memories for her to actually remember.  doing our traditions.  making the video.  don't get me wrong, it's all pretty great. and i look forward to it every year.

but with the joy it brings me so much more.

things that i wish could be different never can.
things that i worry about will never be resolved.
memories that plague me can't be forgotten. 
feelings these memories evoke can't be unfelt.

and i just don't know how to get over it.

so along with the bittersweetness of my BABY getting OLD, it's definitely a bittersweet holiday as well.
maybe next year.....

tiger pride!

*** below is a post that i began, and apparently never published from Jan 2016

what a fun an exciting time it's been this football season.
and right now it's all clemson all up in here!

you don't know how close i was to trying to find a way to the BIG game!

clemson has had a lot of lucky breaks this season which has propelled them to #1.  they were #1 way sooner than i thought they should; sooner than i felt was deserved (b/c of all the luck).
i am so proud that after watching them in the Peach Bowl i can honestly say that was one helluva game.  a well-earned and much deserved win!

i have said from the beginning when there was a glimmer of hope that we would make it to the National Championship-  it was a speck of a glimmer, really- "we can't beat alabama!"

i was hoping someone else would have by now so we would be facing someone else....
but alabama has it's own set of interesting for this game.  it will be one helluva fight.
but i am not discounting it.

if fan-dom could win a game, i know we would win hands down.  bama takes this thing for granted.  there aren't people lining up on overpasses to cheer on their buses.  when they announced the final 4 teams, we were having a pizza party and it was pretty quiet over there with saban.

i hope that when we become a championship team (meaning, we get to this game several times; win divisions, etc) we won't be "over and done" with it.
it's 1,981 miles to the stadium in Arizona.  Let's hope we can bring it home!

*******************************************************

TRULY amazing that i can say DITTO.  strike Peach Bowl and insert Fiesta Bowl.  take out the sentence of "we can't beat alabama" because i was immensely proud of how we handled Clemson/Bama version1.0
in fact THIS time around i felt way more confident.  even though our season didn't seem to be as good.  (not just because we weren't number one; and we did have one loss).

last year we had so many lucky breaks.  same again.
but we so earned it all.
so does every other team out there.
and if anyone watched the national championship this year, it was truly incredible.  but this year, instead of running out of time; we stayed til' the very. last. second!

i'm amazed.

this season alone, we beat all of the college champions who have been it for the past 7 years.  auburn, florida state, ohio state & alabama.

Auburn was our opening game.  on their turf.  historically a difficult stadium to play in as a visiting team.  WE DID IT.

Florida State- our in conference rival- on their turf.  especially difficult.
WE DID IT.  first time in a decade that we won at their stadium!

Ohio State was the Fiesta Bowl playoff. WE DID IT.
Urban Meyer has only lost 3 bowl games in his whole career.  Dabo Swinney gave him 2 of those losses.  Clemson & OSU have faced each other three times in history.  We are undefeated.  Oh! and let's not forget that for the first time in his 194 games, Urban Meyer scored zero.

Alabama- we have met with them 17 times.  Previously we had lost the last 13. WE DID IT.  the last time we beat Bama was in 1905. The same year Einstein published his theory of relativity.
Oh! and this is the first time in 97 games where Alabama had the lead of more than 10 points in the 4th quarter that Nick Saban lost the game.

That game!- man! it could & did go either way.
I'm just incredibly proud,happy,excited,elated,amazed&giddy that FINALLY it went OUR way!

i also find it amazing that dabo is the only coach in history to win the national championship both as a player AND as a coach!

OH and if you wanna know a bunch of other fun tidbits about clemson.......

was that an insult?

yesterday at a PTO Board meeting, 2 people stared at me blankly for defending our most successful fundraiser ever and called me a mom.

as in "you're such a mom".  complete with that tone of voice that maybe a teenager would have.

was that a bad thing??


i may have said the word "consequences" as in...  I don't think it's a good idea to save some of this money in case a different fundraiser we may choose next year (other than this really awesome, fun & successful one) didn't work out.  if they want something we can't afford, then that's the consequence of not raising enough money.

and if anyone in the world is reading this, our most successful and awesome fundraiser for the school was with the amazing company called Boosterthon.
Totally needs a googling!  They are AWESOME.

strep

Likely this will all be a giant rambling. 

the bean missed school today.  again.  she's normally quite healthy.  but, even though she missed tue-fri before thanksgiving break due to having strep throat---  she somehow got it again (?) after having been off of antibiotics a total of 2 days.  

so, for those that are counting, when she goes to school on friday, that will be her 4th day of school in THREE WEEKS.  and yesterday was a field trip!!

The Mr. & i are not big into running to the doctor, nor giving antibiotics unless very necessary.  she's on a stronger one & we ran to the dr without giving it any more time to fester.... just in case.
and in this case it was good to stay home (and run to the dr).

almost every person i have told that she had strep, they ask if her belly hurt.  (??) i didn't know (nor expect) that to be a symptom.  

my only experience with strep throat happened 2 februarys ago.  i seemed to have the flu.  high fever, aches, chills.  i was miserable; and The Mr. was gone.  oh! and i also (always seem to do this) should have gone to the grocery store!  for days i was good for not much.  when i finally went to the dr and they tested me for both the flu & strep, only strep came back positive.  the only symptom i didn't have was a sore throat!!!  
[the bean still talks about that time, because with my being diagnosed with strep, The Mr. wanted me to keep my distance as much as i could (with him being gone).  so she had to put herself to bed.  she still remembers that and remarks how much she didn't like it.  NEITHER DID I]

and now, it seems the bean manifests it differently as well.  but luckily, it doesn't appear to affect her quite as badly. 
in fact, when we went on her 3rd day of being home (and my 1,000th asking what bothers her) i told the dr that headache, fever & belly were the only symptoms.
she never thought to tell me that apparently "something felt stuck in her throat".  which came up after they rammed the throat stick for the culture and she wouldn't get over it and said that it's because her throat hurts.  WHAT???

anyways- 1 dose of antibiotic and the next morning fever, headache & belly were perfect.  still couldn't go to school.  
she was missing a very fun week before the holiday break.  

so we have high hopes that today's vague symptoms will be curtailed with the one dose of antibiotics as well and she can get back to school on friday!

(3rd grade is hard!!!  but that's a whole nother rant into itself)

to do list

sometimes, you just need a kick in the face

 and then, you see, you forgive yourself afterwards.

our cat NC had been doing that a bit when i had to document it for all the world.  this is the same cat who can't just outright go outside, but has to go under the table (away from the door) to snake around the chair and THEN go out the door.

...and the no good very bad day

today was not a good day (so far).  when she woke up this morning, bean said her belly hurt a little but then was fine.  she does that some mornings.  i try not to read too much into it (anxiety) and just know that i have a lot of mornings like that myself.  she's always fine with breakfast.

but today was the first day she said cried the words "but i'm not pretty!"
that broke my ever-loving heart.  i am trying not to read too much into it, because it all stemmed from a particular skirt she wanted to wear that is a size FOUR T.  so yeah.  it doesn't fit. (though she wore it last week??????) 

it was just one of those mornings.  we all have them. i get it.  nothing seemed right.  but i didn't like her to continue to say-cry-scream that she's not pretty.
it made me very very uncomfortable.  because obviously i want to be there for her when she is feeling down. especially if it's upon herself.  and i'm not quick on my feet for saying & teaching the right things.  the "yes you are" a) doesn't work or b) help the idea but it's c) automatic.

she has never ever ever heard me say anything negative about myself.  i accept every compliment she gives me.  i negate nothing.  i only slipped up once when she said that i looked cute and i was in some sweats or something.  i questioned her a little too much in that i would expect that i would be cuter in nicer clothes.  but i did let it go fairly quickly and thanked her. 

she has developed a love of skirts & dresses.  and she wears a skirt over leggings almost every chance she gets....  she felt she wasn't pretty because she couldn't.  
i tried to say all the right things about clothes not mattering, etc.  but she didn't want to hear it.  she even said her "special" wavy hair today wasn't pretty b/c it was supposed to go with the skirt.

a bad day.  i get it.  just like Alexander. 
i hate those days. 

but she really IS so very pretty!!!
(even when she just wakes up)

 

loving

but wait, there's more!

in continuing to document what i can't "brag" about...

the bean is super loving.
she writes me notes and loves my snuggles.
if i'm not feeling well, she'll go find an appropriate stuffed animal friend to give me.  sometimes it's even Flopsy!!
she finds heart things in everything- from food to leaves to rocks.  if she can collect them she does and always gives them to me.

she is at an age, apparently, where she is looking outside of herself and becoming generous/sensitive to issues like cancer & poverty.  [ a lot of my friends are reporting this same thing at this time... it's so cool!]
i hear "you're the best mommy in the world" a ton.

i know of course you all can relate.
and i'm so thankful for that; otherwise the world would be even worse if our kids weren't capable of love and generosity.

but about a month or so ago, she took it just one step further.
we were snuggling and she said again "mommy, you're the best mommy in the entire world" of course i thanked her and then she said that she is so glad i'm her mommy because if she had a different one, she would feel bad for not loving her as much because i'm already the best.

woah.

so anyway

for whatever reason, i have let all blogging go, apparently.
and i know that it's highly unlikely anyone will even see this post now.  but that is fine because i wanted to document it so i wouldn't forget all about it.
it's good for me to remind myself of things.

this is not something i can even really share out loud with my friends because it comes off as way too braggy.  it is not intended to be that way at all; but i need to just remember how awesome my daughter is!

just like all kids- she is beautiful.  she is smart.  she is hilarious.  she is loving.
and i need to remember in particular just how much she is all of these things.
all of my friends love her to death and tell me how neat she is.  this wouldn't come as any big shock to anyone who knows her.

one thing i can't share out loud is what a remarkable writer she is becoming.  at the beginning of the school year, i learned that she is one of only 6 in all of 2nd grade who was as prolific of a writer as they want her to be by the END of 2nd grade.  they determined this based on a piece given to them in august.  they counted word length and vocabulary use/sentence structure...  all that teacher-y stuff.
i saw the sample and wasn't terribly impressed; but at the same time was impressed that THEY were impressed.
well apparently it continued to bloom because she came home with a graded piece the other day that knocked my socks off.  she got a perfect score on it.  it was a piece where she had to either pretend to be a settler or a native american who came to Mary Musgrove's trading post.  she had to use some words from a word bank- which i imagine helped direct the kids into a thought.

for those not familiar with teacher-y things; this already seems to be a difficult assignment.  it would be quite difficult to pretend to be in a historical time and write in that point of view.  let alone needing to be accurate in facts. 

the bean took to this assignment and went with it.  completely.  i began reading it and was all "what? that didn't happen" because it started out with the words "My dad killed a deer."  then i kept reading and thought surely she was copying something so they could understand about this time.  then i got to where it read "a breeze was cool on my face"  and "the line was short so I didn't have to wait long." and i was flabbergasted.  the actual assignment was stapled behind all this; so it was awesome to read first then see.
i asked her which words on the word bank she used (that was in part of the grading) and they were simple words like "trade" and "Mary Musgrove"

i have never seen her write like that.  i have never seen any of my students write like that.
with the ability to "transport" the reader.
it was awesome.
she is awesome!

supportive friends

i love the daily/weekly checkins with my friends.
i hate that i don't talk to all of my friends as often as i should.
but i concentrate when i do hear from a friend how much it makes me smile.

i need to be a better one!

snuggles

it is apparent that i turn the little ones in my life lazy.  or snuggly.  however you wanna look at it. 

the bean who used to flail out of any cover ever now knows exactly how to snuggle into them with me.  and we start each morning before school with 15minutes of just that!
yiminy, who was never a lap-cat before, has certainly learned how to. he mainly comes when i call and i can usually get him to snuggle with me.  or then there's times he finds my belly and just plops right down.
(sadly, all that became more prevalent after we lost sweet Doh)
then NC ("neighbor's cat") who spent a year and a half campaigning to come into our house routinely shows her appreciation.  when she sees me sitting down, she comes to snuggle.  not only snuggle, but she will butt up against my leg and glue herself to me and puuuurrrrrrrrr

all this becomes a problem because i can't stand to disturb a good snuggle!   

my day is turned around and dependent on a good one.