days 1 & 2

well, i wanted to do a quick post to run-down any side effects of my new crazy pill.

to make it easy, i'll just say:  none.

i have taken 2 half-pills, and i haven't felt anything.  i have made sure to have caffeine so i won't confuse reasons for a headache.
i'm such a skeptic anyway- i don't want to cloud anything.

doc new guy said i *could* feel immediate happy.  that is also not the case, though i didn't begin this in a down time either.  i was already at a point where i wasn't very low.  which i guess is my "happy"

i wish i knew why i do this.

i know on paper i should NOT feel depressed AT ALL.
if you don't believe me, read my oh MAN posts...  i got lucky in the Mr. department!
but, for whatever reason (and no apparent reason) i have times where i just struggle to feel happy or "like myself".  which is kind of a misnomer because for so much of my life this is how i've been--- so i guess that's EXACTLY like myself.

i don't know what it is about me that thinks things-everything!-should be better.
and i don't know what it is about me that sometimes can ignore the hate & anger i feel towards myself.

anyways, i guess i'm going off on a tangent.

things here are fine.
today the bean and i had a swim playdate & watched some football.  Yay for Clemson. and especially Yay that USC lost to UGA.  [this is the one game i will NEVER root for the 'cocks again]. & yesterday i was extremely busy with only about 45minutes of my day unaccounted for til dinner.  The Mr. had to travel (say hi, Constantine!) but the busy-ness of my day helped me to cope for day 1.
we've always known that keeping busy helps me a lot.
also looking forward & planning for things.

but what happens when you lack all motivation??

let's hope day 3 (and all the rest) continues to help....  i would love to gain what i think is lost on me.