just a quick FYI, since writing the last post, i've had no more crying jags.
i know i had felt a little sullen a few times, but that was it.
i guess i wouldn't up my dose for that little bit.
the bean was fine on that day, actually. she woke up too early, but woke up happy. and played contentedly for a loooonnnnnnggggg time & let me rest/doze on the couch. that helped me a lot. and the afternoon went better than i would have expected.
it was nice when The Mr. came home. it felt comforting. (and that, is a great feeling!)
the weekend went by pretty quickly (thus no update... sorry i left ya hangin) and we went to visit some of my giant family.
actually, that was the first time we'd seen them in more than a year & a half, and the bean handled the large crowd very well. that was great!
The Mr. was great at soothing her & getting her to sleep in the hotel. this was the first time we stayed in one where she wasn't in a portacrib. and she's becoming more & more sensitive to sounds/fear. she didn't really like being in her own part of the suite at first. but all went well.
so hooray.
i have therapy today.
right now i feel a little muddled- but i know once i get started, things will be fine.
thanks for checking in.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
an exception?
i can be fairly superstitious at times. not generally the "step on a crack" or 'umbrella open in the house' type, but the "don't say anything or you'll jinx it" type.
that jinxing it has proven true time and time again in the course of my life.
from complimented talents suddenly disappearing, to students in my classrooms losing their "great day" status.
i hope like hell, that this is an exception!
when i recapped the latest on Celexa last time, i presented that all was well. (it was!)
and now....
man, i'm so frustrated.
and at this moment (6am) i'm a little anxious about the day. not anxious in symptoms and shaking and panic, but anxious as in "what's it gonna be like" [it's currently 7am and i've been dealing with the bean for the past half hour.... so now i think i know what it's gonna be like]
in my last post, i mentioned that it generally takes a month or so to begin to feel effects of the meds. and my head is just racing "pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease don't let this be the effects i'm supposed to feel"
what i didn't mention was the last friday, inexplicably, i cried.
in my normal state of depression, crying is not terribly common, but sure- it's been known to happen. mostly out of strong feelings. a hard day with either The Mr. or the bean would certainly wear on me and tears would, at the very least, sting my eyes.
in a fit of anger, crying is a huge outlet. as is screaming. (the ugly cry we've heard of. but i have an ugly scream that goes along with it.)
friday night was different.
i just cried.
silent tears welled up. and it overtook me.
nothing strong. no sobbing.
my BFF said it was a "good cry".
she poses that it's just everything coming down at once with low-quality sleep and no breaks among other things.
made sense to me.
oh, and The Mr. was fantastic about the whole thing. it really came as a big surprise to both of us. nothing prompted such big raindrop tears. and i assure you, my head wasn't upset at the time at all.
and, i guess it was a good cry.
i know The Mr. made me feel comforted, and that was a very nice feeling.
i thought the crying was a fluke.
and maybe it was.
but yesterday was. not. good.
and i cried for the better part of the evening. until bean went to bed (hallelujah 7:30!) & i could just get the day out of my system. i vegged in front of a movie (which turned out to be a little depressing. woops).
i'm not sure what happened exactly.
the morning was good. we had a playdate & all was well.
until she kinda refused her rest-time. (this crazy girl has stopped napping.... doesn't help)
and from my going upstairs a zillion times in 30 mins, i ended it. with explicit instructions that THIS IS MY REST TIME TOO and to come downstairs, but leave me alone. (in a pleasant tone, of course!)
from there, she was constantly underfoot.
testing and pestering me. being particularly needy. clumsy, even.
it was just a hard and frustrating 1/2 day.
so i called The Mr. crying. (travel this week. prob'ly doesn't help matters)
ohmigod how awful i felt about that. i just didn't know what to do!
i wanted his opinion on if i should go ahead and up my dose or not.
he was suuuuuuuppper busy at work and had his own difficult day.
and for the life of me, i don't know WHY i can't just stop needing him during those times.
talk about being particularly needy!
that kind of shit is one thing that annoys the hell out of me.
it's a cycle i don't know how to break.
i get depressed.....i need him (too much. inopportune times. annoying)...... which makes me more depressed.
he was great, don't misread that. he didn't see it like that at all.
it didn't help matters that i had written a semi-good/semi-important email to him just yesterday morning. so i felt like i ruined any good of that.
again, he says he didn't see it like that.
and ohmigosh just like that i have to leave this with thoughts somewhat not wrapped-up, as the bean is not having a good morning, and i must brace myself for the day ahead.....
.......
that jinxing it has proven true time and time again in the course of my life.
from complimented talents suddenly disappearing, to students in my classrooms losing their "great day" status.
i hope like hell, that this is an exception!
when i recapped the latest on Celexa last time, i presented that all was well. (it was!)
and now....
man, i'm so frustrated.
and at this moment (6am) i'm a little anxious about the day. not anxious in symptoms and shaking and panic, but anxious as in "what's it gonna be like" [it's currently 7am and i've been dealing with the bean for the past half hour.... so now i think i know what it's gonna be like]
in my last post, i mentioned that it generally takes a month or so to begin to feel effects of the meds. and my head is just racing "pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease don't let this be the effects i'm supposed to feel"
what i didn't mention was the last friday, inexplicably, i cried.
in my normal state of depression, crying is not terribly common, but sure- it's been known to happen. mostly out of strong feelings. a hard day with either The Mr. or the bean would certainly wear on me and tears would, at the very least, sting my eyes.
in a fit of anger, crying is a huge outlet. as is screaming. (the ugly cry we've heard of. but i have an ugly scream that goes along with it.)
friday night was different.
i just cried.
silent tears welled up. and it overtook me.
nothing strong. no sobbing.
my BFF said it was a "good cry".
she poses that it's just everything coming down at once with low-quality sleep and no breaks among other things.
made sense to me.
oh, and The Mr. was fantastic about the whole thing. it really came as a big surprise to both of us. nothing prompted such big raindrop tears. and i assure you, my head wasn't upset at the time at all.
and, i guess it was a good cry.
i know The Mr. made me feel comforted, and that was a very nice feeling.
i thought the crying was a fluke.
and maybe it was.
but yesterday was. not. good.
and i cried for the better part of the evening. until bean went to bed (hallelujah 7:30!) & i could just get the day out of my system. i vegged in front of a movie (which turned out to be a little depressing. woops).
i'm not sure what happened exactly.
the morning was good. we had a playdate & all was well.
until she kinda refused her rest-time. (this crazy girl has stopped napping.... doesn't help)
and from my going upstairs a zillion times in 30 mins, i ended it. with explicit instructions that THIS IS MY REST TIME TOO and to come downstairs, but leave me alone. (in a pleasant tone, of course!)
from there, she was constantly underfoot.
testing and pestering me. being particularly needy. clumsy, even.
it was just a hard and frustrating 1/2 day.
so i called The Mr. crying. (travel this week. prob'ly doesn't help matters)
ohmigod how awful i felt about that. i just didn't know what to do!
i wanted his opinion on if i should go ahead and up my dose or not.
he was suuuuuuuppper busy at work and had his own difficult day.
and for the life of me, i don't know WHY i can't just stop needing him during those times.
talk about being particularly needy!
that kind of shit is one thing that annoys the hell out of me.
it's a cycle i don't know how to break.
i get depressed.....i need him (too much. inopportune times. annoying)...... which makes me more depressed.
he was great, don't misread that. he didn't see it like that at all.
it didn't help matters that i had written a semi-good/semi-important email to him just yesterday morning. so i felt like i ruined any good of that.
again, he says he didn't see it like that.
and ohmigosh just like that i have to leave this with thoughts somewhat not wrapped-up, as the bean is not having a good morning, and i must brace myself for the day ahead.....
.......
Sunday, August 7, 2011
a month plus
it's been a little over a month; and i guess that's about the time where many people start to feel the effects of their medicines for depression. am i just begrudging everything myself? because i am still very non-commital to how this is affecting me.
the past week or so have been good/fine. again- things in my life vs. meds, it's really hard to tell. last week i had both therapy & my dr. appt to discuss celexa, and to both of them, i explained pretty much everything i've been saying here- that it's hard for me to know.
i've ALWAYS been so up & down at different times with no pattern to be seen. and right now, i'm definitely up. but then, as i've mentioned, i've lost weight & kept it off. The Mr. is showing kindness & affections, and i've planned quite a few excursions for myself/our family. (in fact, i recently got back from visiting my BFF in charleston!) the hour massage i had today didn't hurt my mood, either.
my doc wanted to know if i should up the dosage, but we agreed that since i'm not feeling bad with the meds, and life is OK for now, i should just keep on keepin' on. but i will call her if i slip into another bad week & then i'll be told to have 1.5 pills each day.
i will say that my side effects i've basically forgotten about. so either the meds have made me accustomed to them, or they were my normal side effects from depression. (i mentioned at the start of all this that my insomnia-related problems began a few weeks before the medicine began)
maybe drowsiness has increased. The Mr. worked from home every day last week except for monday. he so wonderfully & graciously allowed me to sleep in til 8:30! (Thanks, bean for sleeping in, too) yesterday i was suuuuupppper lazy. and had a wonderful nap listening to a wonderful summer storm.
libido has been appropriate. there when it should be. there's been a lot of "moot point" days.
insomnia has been better. for the past week & 1/2, i have been able to get back to sleep, even after getting the bean & taking her to the bathroom.
so, does celexa work for me?
for now, i guess so. at least, it doesn't hurt.
i just know that i don't wanna go back and forth trying a buncha different medications. this will probably be my one good shot.
the past week or so have been good/fine. again- things in my life vs. meds, it's really hard to tell. last week i had both therapy & my dr. appt to discuss celexa, and to both of them, i explained pretty much everything i've been saying here- that it's hard for me to know.
i've ALWAYS been so up & down at different times with no pattern to be seen. and right now, i'm definitely up. but then, as i've mentioned, i've lost weight & kept it off. The Mr. is showing kindness & affections, and i've planned quite a few excursions for myself/our family. (in fact, i recently got back from visiting my BFF in charleston!) the hour massage i had today didn't hurt my mood, either.
my doc wanted to know if i should up the dosage, but we agreed that since i'm not feeling bad with the meds, and life is OK for now, i should just keep on keepin' on. but i will call her if i slip into another bad week & then i'll be told to have 1.5 pills each day.
i will say that my side effects i've basically forgotten about. so either the meds have made me accustomed to them, or they were my normal side effects from depression. (i mentioned at the start of all this that my insomnia-related problems began a few weeks before the medicine began)
maybe drowsiness has increased. The Mr. worked from home every day last week except for monday. he so wonderfully & graciously allowed me to sleep in til 8:30! (Thanks, bean for sleeping in, too) yesterday i was suuuuupppper lazy. and had a wonderful nap listening to a wonderful summer storm.
libido has been appropriate. there when it should be. there's been a lot of "moot point" days.
insomnia has been better. for the past week & 1/2, i have been able to get back to sleep, even after getting the bean & taking her to the bathroom.
so, does celexa work for me?
for now, i guess so. at least, it doesn't hurt.
i just know that i don't wanna go back and forth trying a buncha different medications. this will probably be my one good shot.
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