better left unsaid

i know there are some things that are, indeed, better left unsaid. (for example...)
and i also know that this blog has likely become unread. i've updated it so sporadically that i've never developed a comment-base. i didn't "market" the blog like so many others. and, face it, my thoughts are not that interesting. the one person guaranteed to read this (even moreso than The Mr.) is my one faithful commenter--- (thanks, meredith!)

but for some reason i always feel badly that so many things are unsaid on the blog. i hate that i haven't written in 2 months. i hate more that i haven't felt like there's anything worth musing about.

i've had trouble with the blog because quite frankly, there's a lot going on in my mind and i can't make anything sensible come out. some of it i'd felt didn't need to be aired out. but i don't know--- maybe it's frustrating me so much because this is my blog for my thoughts... and i'm not using it.

i started the blog out of curiosity & boredom. i thought i had some things worth writing about. but there are a zillion blogs out there. many many are awesome. unfortunately, some of my favorite blogs are wildly popular. rule #1 in the blogosphere about gaining readership is leaving comments. many comments of mine are overshadowed in the plethora of other comments on these humorous, entertaining, and TRUTHFUL blogs! the authors themselves can't check out everyone that's reading them... or they'd have no time for their families too!

all that to say that i have a readership of one- and 3 other people check this out occasionally. so why am i even writing at all?
i began this blog for me. my self-confidence is like negative, so i never dreamed or thought i would ever be one of the "great" bloggers. so this blog has always just been about my space. it was never intended to be on anyone's radar.

i had hoped starting my own blog would help me process thoughts and ideas, and let me gain some introspection (that i so horribly lack).

and it used to be fun.

but now i see that i let the cobwebs collect on it because it's hard to write about anything else and ignore what's really on my mind. and that is no longer fun.
that has made me avoid my own blog--- my own space to process. my own space to create anything (no matter how jibberish).

i also know that i have important thoughts but when i write them, i want them to be as awesome as some of the other posts i've read (too many to link to on some of my fave blogs). and i just lack that kind of writing talent.
most of the blogs i read show such maturity- not only in their writing, but also in the way they understand themselves so very well!

i'm jealous.