decisions decisions

The Mr. & i have been together for 13 years.
it was about 4 years in that i contemplated all these thoughts about not having any kids. (parts 1-3 below)

we moved in together w/ this uncertainty.
we got engaged w/ this uncertainty. assuming it's a "no" but who knows down the road? we got married. same deal.
i still can't believe he was OK w/ all this.

and i can't believe how badly i felt about it. i'm slightly obsessive in that if i don't feel definitive about something, i think it to death. i'm sorta a planner. so no surprise soon after we were married, i developed my YES/NO list that as i thought of something, i put things down in the proper column.

and even tho (to this day) the NO column has more items in it than the yes, i finally thought differently about how i was thinking.
it wasn't a count of items, so much as the weight of the items.
and when it came right down to it, The Mr. wanting a kid outweighed some of my items. knowing i wanted to watch him become a father outweighed some of my items. knowing all that he sacrifices for us, and takes care of in order to make our (my) life so much easier.... that outweighed a lot of my items.

so i contemplated maybe being a mom.
being a teacher for so long...... that's good incentive to not have a kid! i did always know that i couldn't do both. i came home so aggravated & tired, i knew i couldn't deal w/ a newborn. nor a 1st grader. nor a teen!

so once i started thinking about how to make it work, i just had to convince myself that it could work for me.

it's taken me about 4 years to get to the point that i could seriously consider it. but 2 years ago, i told The Mr. in hawaii that this is indeed something we could explore.

instead of being "no way!" i started to be "maybe" & the more i thought of him being a dad. and how much i knew he must've wanted it. and knowing all that he does for me/us all the time, it was a difficult, but well-thought-out decision.

i'm glad i went through this decision process.
i've always been a big fan (still am) of adopting.
i've always thought it would mean more to me to choose a kid instead of just having one b/c i was "s'posed to". i feel now that i have indeed chosen. and i'm prepared (ok, is anyone REALLY prepared?) to have a child of our own. girl or boy. good times & bad. i know it will be tough. but i know i have a wonderful support in The Mr. and this isn't something i'm doing. we're pregnant. not just me.

and that makes me feel very happy!

thank you for being a part of this saga. i think i would've done better had i written it all down the same day.