........... and telling him was the hardest thing.
i had recently graduated college. The Mr. was still at clemson, and all this alone time got me thinking. (part 1, part 2)
for valentine's day, i went up to see him. i was a little nervous b/c i knew i had soooooooo much on my mind. which could potentially (hopefully) affect his life. i was very sad & afraid to tell him conclusions i've started to come to.
we went to some park. it was a nice day. we had a picnic & great conversation.
but me being me... i can't keep too much inside. i knew i needed to talk to him and he had roommates, so this was a good time.
all in one fell swoop, oh, by the way, i don't think i want kids.
you wouldn't believe how cool he was! it was very tough. we talked about it, and he did indeed want them. so now what?
we figured we'd cross that bridge later. but he was with ME. not kids. he wasn't too worried about it.
of course, i couldn't understand! and i hated myself for it. b/c i knew he wanted them. i was being selfish. he'd be a great dad.....
but really, it wasn't time to deal with it. he decided that wasn't something to break up for. (thank god!) & he loved me. (thanks again!)
every so often, we would revisit the subject. i reiterated my thoughts. he was (!) fine. he once told me he wanted me. and if that meant no kids, then that was what he wanted.
course i questioned everything b/c i couldn't understand how he could be that understanding. i hated feeling selfish.
after 6 years of dating, opportunities came for us to live together in GA. i had the hardest time making such a HUGE step....
and knowing that he wanted kids & me?--- not so much.
but me being me, i knew never to say never. but i couldn't be definitive.
The Mr. being The Mr... he accepted that. & it was fine. (!)
man. i felt like i was killing his future.
still i couldn't waiver. i just never FELT like a mom.
it just wasn't for me.