Wednesday, January 16, 2008

decisions decisions

The Mr. & i have been together for 13 years.
it was about 4 years in that i contemplated all these thoughts about not having any kids. (parts 1-3 below)

we moved in together w/ this uncertainty.
we got engaged w/ this uncertainty. assuming it's a "no" but who knows down the road? we got married. same deal.
i still can't believe he was OK w/ all this.

and i can't believe how badly i felt about it. i'm slightly obsessive in that if i don't feel definitive about something, i think it to death. i'm sorta a planner. so no surprise soon after we were married, i developed my YES/NO list that as i thought of something, i put things down in the proper column.

and even tho (to this day) the NO column has more items in it than the yes, i finally thought differently about how i was thinking.
it wasn't a count of items, so much as the weight of the items.
and when it came right down to it, The Mr. wanting a kid outweighed some of my items. knowing i wanted to watch him become a father outweighed some of my items. knowing all that he sacrifices for us, and takes care of in order to make our (my) life so much easier.... that outweighed a lot of my items.

so i contemplated maybe being a mom.
being a teacher for so long...... that's good incentive to not have a kid! i did always know that i couldn't do both. i came home so aggravated & tired, i knew i couldn't deal w/ a newborn. nor a 1st grader. nor a teen!

so once i started thinking about how to make it work, i just had to convince myself that it could work for me.

it's taken me about 4 years to get to the point that i could seriously consider it. but 2 years ago, i told The Mr. in hawaii that this is indeed something we could explore.

instead of being "no way!" i started to be "maybe" & the more i thought of him being a dad. and how much i knew he must've wanted it. and knowing all that he does for me/us all the time, it was a difficult, but well-thought-out decision.

i'm glad i went through this decision process.
i've always been a big fan (still am) of adopting.
i've always thought it would mean more to me to choose a kid instead of just having one b/c i was "s'posed to". i feel now that i have indeed chosen. and i'm prepared (ok, is anyone REALLY prepared?) to have a child of our own. girl or boy. good times & bad. i know it will be tough. but i know i have a wonderful support in The Mr. and this isn't something i'm doing. we're pregnant. not just me.

and that makes me feel very happy!

thank you for being a part of this saga. i think i would've done better had i written it all down the same day.

4 comments:

Lainey-Paney said...

wait, wait, wait...
"we're pregnant"...as in hypothetical? or you're really pregnant???
Is this old news, or where have I been???

Lainey-Paney said...

OM G! OMG!

I just read down.
I'm an idiot. I missed it in the past.
You're pregnant!

...and now, my previous comment about maybe having kids, maybe not...well, that doesn't even fit anymore.
I'm an idiot.

Clearly, I'd missed something.

CONGRATULATIONS!
You're pregnant...
My friend, Ginger pregnant...
Good times.
(okay, maybe not for you guys b/c there are some not-so-fun parts of being pregnant...but hey, in the end, you get a baby!)

Pregnantly Plump said...

It's very interesting to see the process you guys went through. Having kids is such a sensitive topic, I always find it odd when acquaintences ask when you're going to start a family.

Queen of Shake-Shake said...

I usually hate cutesy sayings but the one on parenting when they say it's the toughest job you'll ever love...that sums it up so well.

I've been doing this mom gig for seven years now and I'm still not prepared. But that's ok...we should all live more in the moment anyway, right?