2 be or not...

................ on to continue the story (part 1 here)

i remember when it finally dawned on me that, you know what? i don't HAVE to have kids. do i even WANT them? i didn't know!!!! i mean, it was just what was next is all. i never thought of it before. that didn't matter.

i didn't know what it felt like to want to be a mom. when you live your life assuming you'll be a mom w/o question, you don't even stop to think or feel.

one night, i came to the conclusion that maybe- just maybe- i didn't want to have kids. who said you had to? not every woman is destined to be a good mom.

just b/c i have ovaries and a uterus and bleed every month doesn't mean i'll be nurturing and loving and responsible. oh, sure- i'm a responsible person! like, i know not to leave a kid near a stove unattendend. but responsible to raise it with values and decency--- what if i couldn't raise a kid to be like me? what if it was like one of my brothers????

that was one thing that started me on my thinking.

all 13 of us have the same parents. same catholic upbringing. sure, by the time they got to ricky & me, they may have been a little less inclined to care, er i mean overprotect us. (actually, my parents aren't the "overprotecting personality" type but i'm sure there was a little more leniency). i remember one of my sisters getting more upset than is normal b/c we were allowed to have TWO. BOWLS. OF. GOOD. CEREAL! ---as a kid, we could have one sweet and one boring. (like 1 Life, 1 corn flakes)--- um, it was just ricky & me in the house. we were in high school. i digress....

so how can that be??? same parents. w/ the same ideals. 13 very different kids! especially when it came to my law-breaking good-for-not-much brothers.

what if i couldn't control that???? what if my kid was just like them?????

out of my 6 brothers, 100% have spent at least one night in jail on more than one occasion for DUI. i'm fairly certain that 75-100% have tried drugs, if not regularly. one brother sold pot!!! 50% went to college, none obtaining a "career". and 1 of them i never knew. i had met him, but the last time i saw him i was 7. (he didn't come back to our family until i was about to graduate college....)

now... i know that you can be successful w/o a college degree/career. i know that college isn't for everyone (clearly). i know that mechanics are just as worthy and good people as MBAs and MDs are. but in college, at the beginning of my questioning things, this is what i came to. did i want to take that chance????

aaannnnnnnd just so you know my 6 sisters weren't exactly angels.

i just wasn't sure i wanted to take that on. am i perfect? heck no. my bros & sis think i'm not "normal" b/c i don't do all they partying and rebelling that apparently they did. but i've enjoyed myself. i did decently in school & was normal in college (when was the first time YOU realized you could CUT a class!!!! woohoo!)

i just have my ideas and they have theirs.....

did i want a kid to be just like me? hell no! i have too many issues. and so do they.

so why oh why did i think i should be a mom?

i didn't.

and telling The Mr. was the hardest thing for me...............