envy

oh, the many things i'm envious of.
i'm envious of people who feel so comfortable in themselves.

that's probably the crux of it.
if you know who you are and are comfortable with yourself--- so many other wonderful things come to play.  you automatically have a much more peaceful outlook on life.  you are likely surrounded by friends who adore you and would celebrate moments with you.  you have a strong, healthy marriage, and possibly even kids you adore.  you likely have a strong spiritual feeling.  be it christian (mostly- especially here in the south), or some other ideals that drive you.

i struggle.

i don't know shit about who i am or what i want in life.
and i am certainly not comfortable with many parts of me (if any at all).

not saying i have nothing.  i have so much.  i know.  i'm an idiot!

i get envious when i read some of my favorite blogs.
they are all so very well-written.  and in-tune with themselves.  they have overcome their own struggles.  they realize that.  they can appreciate it.  and they can grow from that.
not me.

i flounder.

they all have wonderful moments that are captured in their writing.  even things that are less-than perfect for them, come across so very well.  but it's more than just the writing.  it's the moments.  the general love they are enveloped with.
they are surrounded by friends and family who support them. they all have such an online presence that drives them.
more than that, they (seem to) have the ability to commiserate (if that's the word i'm looking for) with others.  i'm not so sure i work quite that way.

for instance- believe me- i KNOW i'm not the only one who struggles. i also know that my "problems" are nothing compared to many people.  which makes me feel more like an ass for feeling so down about things. i know things generally get better.  but it doesn't really help me to hear someone say that to me.  or the me too statement.  which i am guilty of saying all the time!.  i think it reminds me of me, actually.  and that drives me crazy.

so, i'm envious of the people who find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.
look at the internet.  if you come up with the craziest problem- i'm pretty sure someone else can commiserate.  and top it.

so, my rant here is no different and waaaaaayyyyy less poignant of the many blogs i enjoy reading who can complain without complaint.  who can look at their adverse problems & come out on top.  knowing (knowing!) they will be stronger because of it.
either them, their kid, their marriage their finances---whatever.  stronger!?!

i'm pissed of the fact that i have a wonderful life.  yet i'm filled with envy.
i am tired of not knowing the right answers and always feeling less-than.
i'm tired of struggling, floundering, and jealous-ing.

i don't know how to quit.
i envy people who can rock it in therapy.
i envy people who don't need therapy!
i even envy the people who just don't bother to look at themselves/lives so critically.  who don't worry about these types of things.  b/c they are fine.  i want to be truly fine.
i envy people who know how to stand up for themselves.  who know how to make their point and be convincing.
i envy the fun i see portrayed all around, and wonder why i can't carry good times in my memory to sustain me.  i envy people who know how to do that.

i have always always been very "grey".
it is very hard to be that way.