skeptical, statistic

so it's kinda official.
i am not thrilled to be a statistic (or will be starting tomorrow) concerning being one of the bazillions out there who are being treated for depression with medication.
and i am quite skeptical.

i am deciding to blog about this quite personal subject because i think i need to have a record-of-sorts as i venture into this unknown. i have a great tendency to make my memory fuzzy & vague if it's something important, especially to my health.

so here it is.

just the run-down of it:
my depression symptoms are here & there. just a persistent feeling that is sometimes better/worse than others.
no particular "trigger".

currently- i guess on a scale of 1-10, today would be a 4.5. tho' admittedly, tonight is a 6 because i guess i'm feeling a little anxious about taking the medicine starting tomorrow. however, i guess the 6 has more to do with the anxiety and not necessarily the depression.

disclaimer- it doesn't help that i'm quite tired today after losing about 2hrs of sleep again last night when i got up b/c of the bean. i've been pretty draggy all day. (and you see i'm not yet sleeping b/c i need to get this out of my head)

the medicine is a generic form of Celexa.

i feel skeptical about it for a few reasons, one of which is that i know this isn't some sort of magic pill that will suddenly erase things i'm unhappy with in my life. nor will it amnesia-fy me.
dammit.

another reason for my skepticism is that because i've been dealing with this crap for forever, and medication is supposed to be so subtle... ummmm i don't know how the hell i'm supposed to know if it's "working".

there are other reasons, too, i guess. but those are the main ones.

so here, i open up fully so that i can have documentation of whether or not this is "working" for me.
and if it doesn't.....
???????

cobwebs & crickets

i'd love to dust off the cobwebs of this blog. in a few ways, it's my favorite blog to write. but of course... it's the one i devote so little time to. i've been mentioning (too much) how yaddayadda i don't know what to say blahblahblah nobody bothers to read this anyway woeismeyaddayaddayadda but i know i should do better.

oh how many things i need to improve upon.
i am currently doing what i can to work on myself. in terms of my marriage, my parenting, my frustrations with the cards i have been dealt, and--- well, myself itself.

it's a very frustrating process. some of my closest pals have asked with concern how things are faring. am i any happier/wiser/better. and i don't really have an answer to that.

honestly- i feel overwhelmed. just because i'm trying to correct/adapt to/accept everything at once. all the while doing whatever it is that i normally do in a day.

i'm tracking moods, foods & potty training progresses. i'm reading books, blogs, recipes & old writings. i'm skimming pictures of happy days, sad memories & old videos. i'm trying new recipes, new ideas & even attempted meditation. i'm dreaming of the future, regretting some past & longing for better.

i feel .... hmmm.... what is it i feel?

i need to change pretty much all of who i am. most of which (obviously) i cannot change: events that occured, body image, self-perception & temperament.
i know i need to be happy(er) with my life to be a better mom to jovie, a better wife to The Mr. & a better friend to the ones i still have.

i know this.
i need to fix this.
i haven't a clue.

pretty much my whole life i've felt like i was doing it wrong.

& that's changed only for the worse, as becoming a mother has put a magnifying glass on everything/life. it's given importance to me, where i've never felt important before. self-induced or not- not measuring up is quite difficult.

every time i tell myself to shutup and stoppit... [b/c y'all--- i really do have a WONDERFUL life!]... i think to how great it really is and have all these cuddly memories to feel. until i get to a memory that is not so cuddly. and it cycles me all back around again.

damn. i need therapy.
oh yeah. i've been going to therapy for about 9mos now. mostly weekly.
see? i'm even doing that wrong.

so, how do i feel?
overwhelmed, tired, dejected, lost, angry, frustrated, sad, bored, minor, stupid, wrong, overwhelmed, pathetic, unable, annoyed, nostalgic, jealous, pissed, crazy, less than, overwhelmed & neglected.

.......i haven't wanted to utter any of this BS on my blog. but as i came to it i saw i haven't written in months- hardly at all in over a year.... i know it's been sitting here collecting internet-dust. and there's crickets chirping all around it. i figured now's as good a time as any.

so please.... pardon my rant.