no doubt a lot of my therapy/problems/issues/sadness stems from never feeling good enough. never feeling important enough.
that's probably easy to happen being the youngest of such a large family.
and the fact that i always strived to be so different from all of them, i guess everyone just thought i didn't require a lot of attention/direction/discipline.
The Mr. feels it, too (tho' it doesn't bother him). but throughout our adult life, on a zillion occasions we'd try to make plans with people, only to be told "we'll see......" (as if they were saying noncommitally sure! unless something comes up). come to think of it, we've heard those exact words several several times.
The Mr. and i have questioned each other- "ummm, isn't that what making plans is?"
so often i'm the caller of my friends. tho, admittedly, that's gotten better overall. but a lot of times when i finally call someone, i may hear "i was just gonna call you, and x happened and then y and then i forgot about z". truth be told, i've said the same things, so i'm not here to bitch.
it's just a pattern i've dealt with much of my life.
this non-importance is a big factor in any negative feelings i feel towards my marriage. please don't misinterpret that as i don't feel like i'm important to The Mr. of course i am--- but it's not usually affirmed. and i'm really trying to get better about realizing it in spite of that.
sometimes things happen and the opposite is true--- when i feel like i am important/cared about by someone who matters to me.
i thought i document my sad times* enough here, it's time to remember that tonight i was important to someone.
my friend just had her third baby. incidentally, i was the 2nd person to find out about her pregnancy. so that was big. but she had her healthy baby boy today. i got word by text. i texted my congratulations. later, The Mr. had asked if i heard from my friend, and how everything was going. i said i wouldn't bother her today.... let it soak in. she's probably on the phone all day with her family/friends, and i wanted her to rest.
well, it made me smile when 8pm rolled around & she immediately called me when she knew littlebean would be asleep because she wanted to talk to me!
with everyone she has to talk to, it was nice to be thought of in the mix.
on top of that, i had a good day with the bean. went to a park, lunch, shopping, & took a stroll.
plus it feels like AUTUMN!
*incidentally, when i linked to my "sad times" category, i was surprised to see that i have double the "happy times" posts. yay me!