wow. there are just so many things i could discuss right now. so many thoughts, feelings, hopes, regrets, & wishes. maybe a few lessons learned scattered in there, too.
unfortunately, no matter how hard i try- i just can't put these words together to form any coherence. i think it's because i lack commitment.
as in: do i commit to using this blog as a forum for me to discuss the (many)difficulties we had with this little bean who was SO INCREDIBLY DEMANDING? i don't really want to "badmouth" her on her own blog, so i could potentially use this as my sounding board. but something tells me i don't want to immortalize all the bad, even if it is to remember how far we've come & see what is now good.
do i commit to discuss all the adorable things that happen from day to day?... the smiles, laughs, and things she's doing/learning. well, i pretty much recap day to day on her blog. and something also tells me i don't want it to be so rainbow-y/sunshiny because remember, i like honesty.
i also have a problem because most blogs i read have wonderful heartwarming thoughts dedicated to their child on their birthdays. i'm not feeling as poignant. i lack introspection. and, really- how blasé for me to say "wow, this year was so hard! and yet so entertaining. boy, i love this kid".
i could point out some things that i didn't expect. but that would take up a ton of space!
i've been "working on" a post for at least a week, now. but i just don't feel as though i can let all of these thoughts/feelings out. they belong to me. some are (naturally) private. some are incomprehensible. some are so joyous, i'd hate to be all sappy.
i'm overwhelmed (to say the least) at this moment, remembering just where i was this time last year. i've done that throughout this whole year... remembering being pregnant. surprised that i enjoyed that. remembering the anticipation.
getting her here was very much a battle. we were so very fortunate how healthy she was throughout the whole process. i won't bore you with the details right now, but to sum it up, it was 26hours of mostly natural labor that ended up in a c-section in order to bring that precious (precocious?) bundle into the world.
living with her was also very much a battle for many months. our mantra was always "thank god she's cute and healthy!"
learning our new roles as family has without a doubt been a challenge. one that i fear i'll never master.
but, all in all- WOW. Little Bean will be one year old in a few hours.
i wonder when it will all sink in....