i'm not sure why, but sometimes the line "there are 3 L's in gullible" stands out to me. i can't even attest to how common that retort has ever been, or if i heard it once, and i was the only one who ever thought it.
i write it out now b/c this post is about honesty. and where do you draw the line between believing a lie, and becoming gullible? (The Mr. LOVES to make me gullible. he will say something overandoverandover until finally i'm all: "really? hm. ok" and then he'll say "ha! just kidding")
i'm horribly lacking in the introspective department, but having a blog and a daughter sometimes gets me thinking. & sometimes it dawns on me that i just realized something about myself.
one thing is: i take honesty very seriously. i have always taken people at their word. i'm trusting. gullible? i'm not so sure. naive? maybe i used to be. trusting? definitely!
i guess i was a late bloomer in questioning anything in life.... religion (college), relationships (after being committed for a year+), choosing a major in college (a little back and forth went on 2 years later)..... even down to santa and the rest of his come-in-the-middle-of-the-night-for-treats pals.
i didn't officially find out about santa until 5th grade. (i know!) although it was 3rd grade that a lot of the creepy boys would argue their point, i spent the better part of 2 years still believing with all hope that santa MUST be true.
i even lied about a "friend" who had no money and a gloooorrrious christmas (oops) to prove my point. because i knew that my parents didn't have the dough for what i always thought was a good christmas. i'm sure by anyone else's definition, our xmases were pretty "eh". and, naively, i never thought there were people in the world who didn't have christmas (not by religious choice.... by poverty)- so i knew all those kids in africa* had to have a santa.
it just never occured to me that my parents would have lied all those years.
oh, don't get me wrong- i will lie to littlebean for as long as she'll let me about christmas! i think it's so much about the spirit. i still have that "i believe" feeling and i get giddy during that time of year. doubtful that would've happened, had i not been lied to for so much of my childhood.
kudos to my parents for keeping the dream alive, even when i was probably too old to believe it. kudos to them for not spoiling the fun, and deciding to wait until i asked to confirm it.
but in any case, i think a big reason why i did believe in all that jazz is because i took them at their word. i mean, why would you lie about something like that. not to mention all the stories/songs/radio announcements on xmas eve/phone calls to 1800#s to hear a jolly "hohoho" on the other end.
this is just the earliest example i can find in my life of how honesty is a major thing for me. i was a little hurt that they lied. of course, i got over it. (but boy, i was stupid for confirming in november!!! that xmas sucked).
recently, though, i had a good friend lie to me. (luckily, not a reader of the blog)
and it honestly hurt me to the core. i think she sees that now, but really- it is quite difficult to trust her to the same extent. it's hard not to wonder when it may happen again (if it was so EASY to lie to my face).
of course, i know in time i'll stop constantly questioning her. but in the meantime, i have to try to get over it. try to stop the doubt. try to stop hurting. & most of all, try to stop understanding how you could blatantly lie to someone you supposedly care for. i'm not sure i could ever understand.
i know i've done my fair share of lying in the past. by omission, mainly. i'm not your typical lie-to-your-face kinda gal. i think you'd see right through me.
i just think that there's a time, though, where you grow up & realize that lying is for 12 year olds. or for parents who want to keep the christmas spirit alive.
*i grew up in the 80s. africa was always the depiction of sadness & poverty.