oops--- i dropped my bon-bon

12 in '12

2012-01-24T20:00:00.003-05:00

in no particular order, my aspirations for this year:

run my first 10K (and it's ok, too, if it's my last!) March 10th
take a month-long gym class called "Butts & Gutts" currently in progress
work with my trainer again when B&G is over. hopefully begin in Feb.
cash in my groupon for five! body wraps. i've thought to do this for a long time, and the groupon was just too good to pass up! i will be blogging about this process. i am the only one i know to use this service! 1st one in Feb.
i will be doing something special for The Mr.'s birthday; however, i won't blog about that until June. (no spoilers here)
going with my BFF for our 3rd annual galpal getaway! this time we will be zip-lining through some trees in Asheville, NC. this spring
grow out my nails again
run 30 miles in the next 4 weeks- as per my goal on Nikeplus.com. (i'm loving my nano 6 with nike fitness The Mr. gave me for xmas this year!) running tomorrow. hopefully 4 miles or so...
also joining the nike challenge to run 212 miles in 2012. i'm 18.25 miles in
try to find inspiration & decisions toward my next [part time] job. (my baby will be going to school in 2 short years! what will i do with all that free time???)
learn more about my new little camera i bought in time for thanksgiving. (sony cybershot)
use said knowledge on our AMAZING trip to europe (still yet unplanned) for our 10th wedding anniversary. (what??? already?) early fall/late summer

11 from '11

2012-01-08T11:14:00.007-05:00

a little late, yes, but nonetheless... here are 11 firsts from 2011:

i began going to a Zumba class at my gym.
i participated in a flash-mob.
i had a (rare) good time partying with some of my sisters and sisters-in-law. karaoke abound!
i had my best time ever in my usual 5k run.
i committed to running my first 10k ever (yuck!) for March of this year.
we (finally!) redecorated our 2 gaudy bathrooms**
we made other major home improvement$. ($iding & window$)
i began cooking more & trying new recipes. (even ones you would doubt i would try! [paella, anyone?])
we went to Vermont & Canada (twice in 2 days!)
i had to call 911 for the first (and hopefully LAST!) time ever.
i began taking medication for my crazy. jury's still out on whether or not i like it, but it's fine.

here's to 2012!

**i tried relentlessly to add pix of our bathrooms, to no avail. maybe one day blogger will upload my pics a little better...

one for "the couch"

2011-12-14T09:58:00.003-05:00

i'm pretty sure my therapist would love to know that positive thinking usually backfires on me. i'm so mired in negative thoughts about all things mpotter, that even when i do try to be positive- the negative occurs.

most recent case in point:

today, before my run i said "this run is going to be GOOD. it's perfect weather. i had a great workout yesterday. i had a terrific run on saturday. this will be great!"

instead, i had on OK first half. then the second half didn't work out so well. tired legs (from "great workout") and bad pacing to give me breath-cramps forced me to walk a few times, and i didn't end up doing my full route.

grrrrrrr

Yay tigers!

2011-12-05T14:38:00.005-05:00

Dear Dabo,
First of all, Hello! How are you? You must still be reeling with excitement over that glorious win in the ACC Tournament! You looked quite handsome even as they gave you a gatorade bath. Your words were very poised at the end, and I was quite proud to have always stuck with you.

However, I apologize for doubting the Tigers.
To be fair, it wasn't you I was doubting. I have been one of your biggest fans for the past 3 years. I watched how you had a different way of energizing the team. I loved watching when you first began & everyone liked to showcase the way you and the team marched on the field arm-in-arm.
You seemed to bring a togetherness to the team it has lacked since I've been a student at CU.
I saw on many occasions over the past few years how you could really turn it around after a great halftime pep talk.
Still, seeing the way the team had played the previous 4 games.... I didn't count on much.

I'm sorry I told the couple that was wearing their Virginia Tech gear at that little shop in Charlotte that i knew they would win.
(Yes, I'm glad they never found me in order for me to pay them the drink I owed them for kicking their butts in the ACC Tournament)
I even told our waitress at Chili's (a Clemson freshman) that I was just hoping for an interesting game.

You see, I pretty much knew we would lose to GA Tech back when we played them having a record of 8-0 & being #5 in the nation. I didn't really want to be #5. That didn't feel right. I was more content with being #8.
I was OK with losing to GA Tech. Because truly, I didn't expect us to be undefeated. (we're no Alabama or LSU!) and if we had to lose, the yellowjackets were a good match for us.
Certainly didn't want our first loss to be to a crappy team like Maryland (*whew! that was CLOSE). Of course, I wouldn't want to lose to NC State either. (woops). Leaving just USC as potentially "only" loss. That would be horrible. So, I was glad to give up our Tech win. However, watching that game made me shudder. And I knew from then on our battles would be huge. Even more huge than the ones that gave us that 8-0 start.
Beating 3 back-to-back ranked teams didn't seem like a big deal after watching that game and the following games.

USC must have enjoyed wiping us all over the field when we played Thanksgiving weekend.
So, yes. I was a doubter.
But never a hater.

They almost gave me a coronary a few times watching the big game!
I was too afraid to cheer when I saw the many touchdowns and interceptions! I was always afraid the refs would take it all back.

I couldn't believe that it was VT that kept making penalties. For I've seen Clemson give up lots on penalties. (and we tend to not capitalize on lucky breaks)
So-
Kudos to you, Dabo. You and all your team.
I can't wait to see us in the Orange Bowl. (perfectly fitting color, by the way!)

Sincerely,
mpotter- a happy tiger & Dabo fan.

PS- wasn't it precious how everyone began throwing oranges on the field???

PPS- I certainly hope you were able to pull some strings and let the whole town of Clemson finally watch the glorious game, since there was the massive power outage that began just as the game started!!

another new symptom?

2011-11-04T15:23:00.004-04:00

i haven't been posting as much as i thought i would have, or would have liked. i'm not exactly sure why that is. we've been pretty busy the past month or so!
guess that'll do it.

overall, things are okay. there were some times mixed in the past few months that have been exceptional (my birthday weekend being one of them!) and some times that were very very blah. apathetic. i guess you could call it depression-lite.

i'm still taking my meds. though, admittedly, i haven't had them each day for one reason or another. don't get me wrong- for the most part i do take them. but if i'm out or busy right then (usually cooking) i end up forgetting. there have been a coupla days where i had forgotten and then consciously decided to just skip the day. no particular reason, really- they don't bother me. not positive they help completely, but they don't seem to be hindering anything.

all of this has led me to conclude that i'm fairly certain of another strange "symptom".
i did let my therapist know ( but she's not a medical doctor, though).
so i mentioned my heart raced a few times. that has all seemed to subside. but something else i feel pretty much nightly is a different heart-thing. because i'm always equipped with "weird" maladies, i guess i only know to call it a tickle-pressure.
maybe the best way to explain it is how you suppress a cough when you're in a quiet room and don't want to disturb others. you know that feeling you get where it tickles and has a pressure on your throat before you give in to it. that is pretty much the feeling i get in my heart (or more likely my lungs) almost every night.

it doesn't hurt. it's..... well, i guess more annoying than anything.

it's been going on for months. basically nightly. however, i am about 90% certain it only occurs on the evenings i do remember to take my pill.
and it only happens when i lie down to go to bed. when i roll over to my side. (it doesn't matter which one). then it lasts for just a few minutes. no big deal, really. annoying mostly. the "cure" is to straighten up, or again, sit up straight as the other heart issue was cured.

so i guess i'm just not sure what to do with this information........
i don't have any visit scheduled with the doctor anytime soon. and really? shall i pester for something so minor? me and my weird body troubles.
see--- i'm doin it wrong.

stirring it up

2011-10-14T21:33:00.005-04:00

i was pretty surprised today to realize that i have something more in common with Bob Marley other than the fact i've spent a few days in jamaica.

we both "steer" things we want to mix.

The Mr. & others have made fun of me for years because i don't pronounce it as "sturr"
i've even paid more attention over the years because i didn't want the bean to pick up my bad dialect.

alas, i'm not the only one.

more WTF

2011-10-11T14:03:00.004-04:00

since i don't have FB or twitter, i guess i can just post my ramblings here.

i just spent the better part of 30 minutes calling and re-calling and re-calling some "Emergency Medical Billing & Coding" company regarding The Mr.'s fine day in the ER a month ago.

they are (of course) completely automated. down to the message that was on our machine that told me to call them "concerning our account". so i did. duh.
after waiting through the "para espanol...nueve" bit & the "all of our representatives are currently busy- your call is extremely important to us" and that cycle 4 times intermittent with muzak, the robot lady proudly then exclaims "goodbye!" (extremely important, huh??)

in the meanwhile, i'm online looking at my credit statement to make sure that omg! did something happen to our credit card- have we been declined??

so no less than 8 cycles of that BS and "goodbye!"s, i FINALLY get to a dude. it was a pretty crackly connection. after all that- i led with "ummmm fix your system dude b/c i just had to call 9x to connect to you after waiting on hold each time". he seemed unimpressed. (of course)

the call? it was to tell me what i owe. he wanted me to know what insurance covered and what our portion was. you know- the exact same thing that was printed on the BILL.
that i PAID. last week. before it was overdue!

i was less than pleasant when i just told the guy, "you mean i dealt with this for 1/2 an hour to be told what i already know- even though my bill is not overdue?"

really?

a new battle for anti-aging

2011-10-04T14:52:00.004-04:00

we all know how we have stupid warnings on products (ie: McDonald's coffee- caution, contents are HOT..... hairdryers- do not use while bathing).
and you just know they are on there for a reason.

the craving & desire for the "fountain of youth" i think may have stooped a little far.
if any of you out there uses the Olay Regenerist line of products, i implore you to read the back label of them. if you click the link, you see that it is definitively the "anti aging products" category.

i first noticed on my foundation the same warning that is also on the moisturizers that i bought.
"children under 6mos of age, please consult a doctor"

this is really just wrong on so many levels!

unfortunately, i couldn't get a good picture of either of the 3 products. just trust me.

important

2011-10-01T20:25:00.003-04:00

no doubt a lot of my therapy/problems/issues/sadness stems from never feeling good enough. never feeling important enough.
that's probably easy to happen being the youngest of such a large family.
and the fact that i always strived to be so different from all of them, i guess everyone just thought i didn't require a lot of attention/direction/discipline.

The Mr. feels it, too (tho' it doesn't bother him). but throughout our adult life, on a zillion occasions we'd try to make plans with people, only to be told "we'll see......" (as if they were saying noncommitally sure! unless something comes up). come to think of it, we've heard those exact words several several times.
The Mr. and i have questioned each other- "ummm, isn't that what making plans is?"

so often i'm the caller of my friends. tho, admittedly, that's gotten better overall. but a lot of times when i finally call someone, i may hear "i was just gonna call you, and x happened and then y and then i forgot about z". truth be told, i've said the same things, so i'm not here to bitch.
it's just a pattern i've dealt with much of my life.

this non-importance is a big factor in any negative feelings i feel towards my marriage. please don't misinterpret that as i don't feel like i'm important to The Mr. of course i am--- but it's not usually affirmed. and i'm really trying to get better about realizing it in spite of that.

sometimes things happen and the opposite is true--- when i feel like i am important/cared about by someone who matters to me.
i thought i document my sad times* enough here, it's time to remember that tonight i was important to someone.

my friend just had her third baby. incidentally, i was the 2nd person to find out about her pregnancy. so that was big. but she had her healthy baby boy today. i got word by text. i texted my congratulations. later, The Mr. had asked if i heard from my friend, and how everything was going. i said i wouldn't bother her today.... let it soak in. she's probably on the phone all day with her family/friends, and i wanted her to rest.
well, it made me smile when 8pm rolled around & she immediately called me when she knew littlebean would be asleep because she wanted to talk to me!

with everyone she has to talk to, it was nice to be thought of in the mix.

on top of that, i had a good day with the bean. went to a park, lunch, shopping, & took a stroll.
plus it feels like AUTUMN!

yay me!

*incidentally, when i linked to my "sad times" category, i was surprised to see that i have double the "happy times" posts. yay me!

2011-09-19T14:36:00.002-04:00

i want to be more poignant in my writing.
especially today.
but i'm really not able to get much more out than:

i feel like i'm sinking.
again.

and in some ways it's worse.
not the feeling- in fact, it's just a beginning feeling, not the "i'm so done" feeling. (yet)
but i didn't want to keep feeling this way on medication.

i hope to write more later.

handling some chaos

2011-09-01T17:42:00.003-04:00

i've been lax in posting, because the past couple of weeks have been busy.
we planned, packed for, and took a vacation (sans Bean!) and this week was spent getting back into routines & other stuff.

so it dawned on me over the course of the last week or so that i needed to update things.

since i've last posted, i'd been busy organizing the trip which included leaving the bean in a different state with my sister who doesn't have many kid-sized things. (turns out, she didn't use much of the toys or any of the food items i brought. the kitchen items, i think were appreciated)

we also had our friends over for grilling out & swimming. that night, The Mr. burned his fingertips on the grilled potato foil pouch. (OUCH. poor guy!)
meanwhile, he had also played soccer the tuesday before (the day, actually, that i posted) and got elbowed pretty good in the back. i think he casually mentioned this to me a few days later on thursday.
saturday (the day we had company) he decided to run most of his normal 6+mile route. except, this time, his back hurt him greatly, so he walked home.
didn't make a big deal of it (of course!) and proceeded to do ALL of the yardwork, including weeding & cutting the bushes (thus lots of bending)

... y'all, i had no idea he was going that far with the yard work, i swear!

sunday he ran again (with the burned fingers) & came home and said his back was super sore. all day long. yet, he insisted on playing with the bean in the pool..... holding her the whole time. in the deep end. swimming, holding her, & letting her balance by holding on to the diving board.
insisted!

sunday night he even got out of bed to get the bean when she needed to go potty. i was completely unaware, and quite annoyed when i found out later that i was not called upon to help.

in any case, 4:30 am rolls around and The Mr. (poor guy!) is in complete and utter pain. i'd never seen him like that before! not even when he got hit while riding his bike, and he has the "shark bite" gash in his leg to show for it.
i asked if he would please PLEASE go to a doctor afterall! he (finally) conceded. so i asked if we should go now. of course, his reply was "no"
that reply quickly changed not 10 minutes later when he had no choice.

i guess he preferred to go to the ER in style via a 911 call! we joke about it now, but no. that indeed was not funny- when he passed out! was the most horrendous 45 seconds of my life. (and possibly his?) and that includes one hellish labor story!

[i'd like to interrupt this drama by remarking how AMAZING amazing our 3yo little girl is! the girl who used to wake up when The Mr. walked upstairs slept through all of the yelling (pain), screaming (fear), panicked phone call, several trips downstairs to gather items, 5 big men coming upstairs in less-than-quiet fashion (including taking a cellphone call outside of her bedroom door!), walking The Mr. down & strapping him to a loud jostly gurney!!]

ok. so i guess i didn't interrupt the drama, but just spilled it all to you.
oh, and this all occured the day before taking our much anticipated, long awaited vacation.

golden!

so monday was spent shuttling back and forth & just general dealing with all that comes from a 911 call at 5am. we debated about the vacation, and ultimately decided to go.
sure, it changed some of our plans (like bike rides & hiking), but it would still be a vacation, which is the important part of the idea!

the vacation was not without it's own mini-chaos. we spent the first 1/2 worried about the condition of The Mr.'s back pain & the second 1/2 wondering about getting home. our flight was via JFK in NYC, which even though we had the foresight to cut our vacay a little short & go on an earlier flight, obv, that all changed when NYC shut down a day early.

i am so terribly sorry for the devastation that hurricane Irene caused in NC & New England! it is truly unbelievable to see all the flooding in VT & hear about all the power outages along the eastern seabord.

our vacation was actually spent in VT & we spent one night in Montreal. i kept the whole thing in stride, knowing that THIS problem wasn't really all that bad considering we weren't in the eye of the hurricane! (not yet anyway)
as we all know, the storm lessened after it gave NC a big beating. (my niece's college and apartment was pretty torn up in the whole event, though i haven't heard about all the actual damage). i figured if we can't get out Til Tuesday (hush hush) then we'd just have bonus vacation, and i would worry about being huddled scared in a hotel basement when it comes barreling to VT later.

of course, that's not how things ended up. once NYC shut down, we really figured that no, we couldn't just stay and hang out in a storm situation for extra days just for "fun". so we dealt with a lot of old PRTM majors trying to take us tourists back home. some were more helpful/understanding than others. it took both The Mr. & my bright ideas combined to ultimately decide that from montreal we were going to leave our luggage at the now over-booked hotel, drive back to VT to return our rental car (thanks a lot, "Thrafty"!), take their shuttle to the airport, hang out for a few hours, buy (what appeared to be the very last) 2 tickets on greyhound and go immediately BACK to canada to walk to get our luggage & take a taxi to the (incredibly awesome) marriott attached to the airport so we could fly out of montreal the next morning.

hindsight is great. because 3 of the 3 alternative flights we had booked in the course of all this were either canceled or delayed 3+ hours.

i kinda sound like a douche whining about this, when i know many people were actually affected by the hurricane! i know it was frustrating, but i'm very thankful that it was never horrifying. (not like the 45 seconds before all the vacation began!)

so, i guess my meds are holding up. i'm not sure what it would've changed if i hadn't been on them. but we dealt with what the most chaotic/dramatic week we'd experienced thusfar. but even in my most depressive days, i usually can keep things in perspective. i always recognize that many many people have things far worse off! & i can usually find something to be thankful about regarding my situation(s).
it always makes me feel so GD selfish for being "depressed" at all.

been okay

2011-08-16T06:13:00.005-04:00

just a quick FYI, since writing the last post, i've had no more crying jags.
i know i had felt a little sullen a few times, but that was it.
i guess i wouldn't up my dose for that little bit.

the bean was fine on that day, actually. she woke up too early, but woke up happy. and played contentedly for a loooonnnnnnggggg time & let me rest/doze on the couch. that helped me a lot. and the afternoon went better than i would have expected.

it was nice when The Mr. came home. it felt comforting. (and that, is a great feeling!)
the weekend went by pretty quickly (thus no update... sorry i left ya hangin) and we went to visit some of my giant family.
actually, that was the first time we'd seen them in more than a year & a half, and the bean handled the large crowd very well. that was great!

The Mr. was great at soothing her & getting her to sleep in the hotel. this was the first time we stayed in one where she wasn't in a portacrib. and she's becoming more & more sensitive to sounds/fear. she didn't really like being in her own part of the suite at first. but all went well.

so hooray.
i have therapy today.
right now i feel a little muddled- but i know once i get started, things will be fine.

thanks for checking in.

an exception?

2011-08-11T06:29:00.004-04:00

i can be fairly superstitious at times. not generally the "step on a crack" or 'umbrella open in the house' type, but the "don't say anything or you'll jinx it" type.

that jinxing it has proven true time and time again in the course of my life.
from complimented talents suddenly disappearing, to students in my classrooms losing their "great day" status.

i hope like hell, that this is an exception!

when i recapped the latest on Celexa last time, i presented that all was well. (it was!)
and now....

man, i'm so frustrated.
and at this moment (6am) i'm a little anxious about the day. not anxious in symptoms and shaking and panic, but anxious as in "what's it gonna be like" [it's currently 7am and i've been dealing with the bean for the past half hour.... so now i think i know what it's gonna be like]

in my last post, i mentioned that it generally takes a month or so to begin to feel effects of the meds. and my head is just racing "pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease don't let this be the effects i'm supposed to feel"

what i didn't mention was the last friday, inexplicably, i cried.
in my normal state of depression, crying is not terribly common, but sure- it's been known to happen. mostly out of strong feelings. a hard day with either The Mr. or the bean would certainly wear on me and tears would, at the very least, sting my eyes.
in a fit of anger, crying is a huge outlet. as is screaming. (the ugly cry we've heard of. but i have an ugly scream that goes along with it.)

friday night was different.
i just cried.
silent tears welled up. and it overtook me.
nothing strong. no sobbing.
my BFF said it was a "good cry".

she poses that it's just everything coming down at once with low-quality sleep and no breaks among other things.
made sense to me.

oh, and The Mr. was fantastic about the whole thing. it really came as a big surprise to both of us. nothing prompted such big raindrop tears. and i assure you, my head wasn't upset at the time at all.
and, i guess it was a good cry.
i know The Mr. made me feel comforted, and that was a very nice feeling.

i thought the crying was a fluke.
and maybe it was.
but yesterday was. not. good.
and i cried for the better part of the evening. until bean went to bed (hallelujah 7:30!) & i could just get the day out of my system. i vegged in front of a movie (which turned out to be a little depressing. woops).

i'm not sure what happened exactly.
the morning was good. we had a playdate & all was well.
until she kinda refused her rest-time. (this crazy girl has stopped napping.... doesn't help)
and from my going upstairs a zillion times in 30 mins, i ended it. with explicit instructions that THIS IS MY REST TIME TOO and to come downstairs, but leave me alone. (in a pleasant tone, of course!)

from there, she was constantly underfoot.
testing and pestering me. being particularly needy. clumsy, even.
it was just a hard and frustrating 1/2 day.

so i called The Mr. crying. (travel this week. prob'ly doesn't help matters)
ohmigod how awful i felt about that. i just didn't know what to do!
i wanted his opinion on if i should go ahead and up my dose or not.
he was suuuuuuuppper busy at work and had his own difficult day.
and for the life of me, i don't know WHY i can't just stop needing him during those times.
talk about being particularly needy!
that kind of shit is one thing that annoys the hell out of me.
it's a cycle i don't know how to break.
i get depressed.....i need him (too much. inopportune times. annoying)...... which makes me more depressed.
he was great, don't misread that. he didn't see it like that at all.

it didn't help matters that i had written a semi-good/semi-important email to him just yesterday morning. so i felt like i ruined any good of that.
again, he says he didn't see it like that.

and ohmigosh just like that i have to leave this with thoughts somewhat not wrapped-up, as the bean is not having a good morning, and i must brace myself for the day ahead.....
.......

a month plus

2011-08-07T18:50:00.003-04:00

it's been a little over a month; and i guess that's about the time where many people start to feel the effects of their medicines for depression. am i just begrudging everything myself? because i am still very non-commital to how this is affecting me.

the past week or so have been good/fine. again- things in my life vs. meds, it's really hard to tell. last week i had both therapy & my dr. appt to discuss celexa, and to both of them, i explained pretty much everything i've been saying here- that it's hard for me to know.

i've ALWAYS been so up & down at different times with no pattern to be seen. and right now, i'm definitely up. but then, as i've mentioned, i've lost weight & kept it off. The Mr. is showing kindness & affections, and i've planned quite a few excursions for myself/our family. (in fact, i recently got back from visiting my BFF in charleston!) the hour massage i had today didn't hurt my mood, either.

my doc wanted to know if i should up the dosage, but we agreed that since i'm not feeling bad with the meds, and life is OK for now, i should just keep on keepin' on. but i will call her if i slip into another bad week & then i'll be told to have 1.5 pills each day.

i will say that my side effects i've basically forgotten about. so either the meds have made me accustomed to them, or they were my normal side effects from depression. (i mentioned at the start of all this that my insomnia-related problems began a few weeks before the medicine began)

maybe drowsiness has increased. The Mr. worked from home every day last week except for monday. he so wonderfully & graciously allowed me to sleep in til 8:30! (Thanks, bean for sleeping in, too) yesterday i was suuuuupppper lazy. and had a wonderful nap listening to a wonderful summer storm.

libido has been appropriate. there when it should be. there's been a lot of "moot point" days.

insomnia has been better. for the past week & 1/2, i have been able to get back to sleep, even after getting the bean & taking her to the bathroom.

so, does celexa work for me?
for now, i guess so. at least, it doesn't hurt.

i just know that i don't wanna go back and forth trying a buncha different medications. this will probably be my one good shot.

new symptom?

2011-07-26T04:00:00.003-04:00

it is way too early in the AM for me to be blogging about Celexa!

i am not sure if i have stumbled upon a new symptom or not, but this has happened twice now in the past week or 2; what i can only describe as 'being aware of my heartbeat'.

oh, and by the way, i'm like queen of oddball symptoms that lead to nothing.
i'll get strange sensations/pains in strange places sometimes that go away without any further cause for worry. some research thinks that's part of depression.
i have no idea.

this is akin to having your heart race. only, the first time it happened recently, i woke The Mr. to ask him if my heart was indeed racing. he used the only stethoscope that he has available to him at 3am and put his ear to my chest. (not as sexy as that sounds- ha)
then he drummed for me what he could hear. and it all seemed just perfectly fine.

one might suggest that it's anxiety.
however, i assume (and believe w/ any anxiety i've had in the past) that anxiety usually comes with angst.

the first time it happened, there was no real catalyst that i figured that night.
tonight it began with yiminy (our cat). i woke up to hearing doh (our other cat) growling & cowering b/c yim was pinning her down.
anytime i'm startled awake, i feel my heart race. isn't that adrenaline?

however, even 1/2 hour later it didn't subside. usually it would have by now.
there is no pain involved. and truly no angst. i'm thinking no thoughts i don't normally think sometimes. thoughts i shouldn't, stupid memories, things to do.
and though that may seem like anxiety, in the past when i've felt anxious, there was an underlying reason or a bigger feel of panic. my mind truly isn't the cause right now.

the only "cure" i've used these 2 times have been to sit upright & read or blog to take my mind off of it. purge whatever thoughts and wait for sleep to come back to me.

The Mr. will not be happy when he reads this. but i didn't want to call... there's nothing to be done.

i'll mention it to my doctor and know that like most of my oddball things in the past, nothing will come of it.

as long as i'm here:
insomnia- well, i didn't try very long so i won't tip the scale, but i'll call this one a 4.
dry mouth- 3
libido- moot
nausea- 1
drowsiness- 1.5, though of course tomorrow that will rise.

the good news: my heart has returned to normal.
the bad news: i just took a 7 minute break dealing with a 3yo potty break (yay for her!)
so now that i've been vertical and mumbly-vocal, my insomnia will not pass so easily.

3 weeks plus

2011-07-23T14:19:00.003-04:00

so this past week was/is hard for me.
probably a lot of factors were involved, and the crux of it is that i just didn't feel OK just because of the medicine. in fact, in some ways, it was more depressing--- just because i feel like i'm trying EVERYTHING. (even meds, which i did not want to go to!)
it doesn't help that i had another week alone. after having The Mr. home for about 2 months with no travel, i couldn't help but get spoiled. and begin my [serious] quest for getting better. i began eating better, exercising, etc....
having him gone just throws me into a different kind of loop.
plus not having any break at all (since it's summer, i don't get my tuesday mornings).

in fact, i went to lunch today b/c The Mr. & i were tired of her whining incessantly just because we have the audacity to- um, parent- her! so i went alone. and that was the first hour i'd had to myself in three weeks. unless you count the hour when everyone slept before her birthday party. but since i was cooking & preparing..... no, i don't count that!

let's add to the fact that with The Mr. traveling, and my 2 friends having different obligations these past few weeks, has left me NO time to go to therapy.

i guess i did all this stuff while i had a lot of opportunity to, and then BAMMO! it all ended pretty abruptly.

i have grand plans for September, and am very much looking forward to my not one, but three mornings a week! and that's always aided in my depression. still, my trips & plans aren't here yet. so i manage.

so, in a nutshell, is Celexa working for me? how in the hell am i really supposed to tell?

overall, my stats lately could be compiled as:
insomnia- maybe a 3. i've been waking early or in the middle of the night (sometimes without reason) & that's been a challenge for me going back to sleep in a timely manner since the bean came along.

dry mouth- comes & goes. some days it's a 1. right at this moment it's a 4. so maybe i'll say 3

libido- has been a moot point, so it's hard to determine. i guess it's appropriately here (enough) when it needs to be. not sure if The Mr. would complain...

nausea- 1

drowsiness- gosh, this one's hard, too. it also comes and goes. but i will say it's the one that i notice more often when it's the afternoon and i just need a nap. but i dunno- would you feel that way if you had a whiny 3year old still prone to tantrums that won't nap herself? in any case, i guess i'll give this one a 3.5
it seems that most of the time if i'm involved with doing something, i can be just fine. it's when the end of rest time comes that i feel it the most. maybe it's a little longing on my part. (ha)

from what my prescribing doc & my therapist has told me & what the wonderful world of google has led me to believe, it generally takes up to 6 weeks to feel a mark of progress.

so bring on week 4.
The Mr. will be gone again, but i have grand plans of bringing the bean to the beach to visit my longtime BFF! (Constantine will be taking care of the cats!) although it will be sad (he won't get to witness all the fun) & stressful (he won't be there for the travel help or general 2 parents can be easier than one especially in a different place), i will be highly anticipating hanging out w/ my friend and her daughter as we vent, laugh, eat & experience fun things with our girls!

hopefully i will feel more like myself!

so far

2011-07-19T14:10:00.003-04:00

well, it's day 19. and i just haven't really had a chance to write.
and honestly, even now, i'm not going to put in the effort originally planned for.

overall these last few days, drowsiness has probably been my biggest side-effect. never reaching 5 status, but that's what i've noticed. i've actually noticed it more at night (go figure) and this past weekend, i never slept very well. so by the end of the day, i was bound to be drowsy. whether or not celexa has anything to do with it, i'll never know.

i wouldn't say i've been troubled with insomnia, per se. i've gone to sleep easily. but have woken up for one reason or another too early and had to move downstairs to go back to sleep; never having slept very well afterwards.

the past two nights, i've had bouts of vivid dreams. that is not uncommon for me. but on these days--- nothing terrible like some of my nightmares, but just fast-paced/never feeling rested. bizarre dreams that take up much of the night.

i will say that so far there's been no "cure" for me with these meds. which, i guess is somewhat good if you think about it, because now i know that my good days of the past few weeks were just my normal fluctuations; and not necessarily the meds. tho i wish i could say for certain b/c something needs to change.
today's not a good day, though.

i've noticed i still feel whatever it is i feel. i still have horrible thoughts (often; & many times upon my first thoughts of waking), but the 2 weeks or so i've had no trouble just pushing them away. things have been enjoyable with the scale & The Mr. plus i have made some plans for the near future. looking forward to excitement has ALWAYS helped me with my depression! so all that was always bound to help my moods anyway. and today, even though the scale is still OK; The Mr. is away [Constantine, the key is in the usual place....] and i find myself reverting back to some of my moods & crappy thoughts.
some of which i can completely understand. some of which i'm just damn tired of.

i hope this won't continue. i need something to change.

day 14

2011-07-14T19:50:00.002-04:00

i intended to write a "better" post considering i'm 2 weeks in. but i can't really muster my thoughts right now.
i know, i know.... you're waiting with bated breath.
as if.

still, this is really for me to document for my next month's checkup. it'd be nice to know i had some thoughts other than stats to share.
hopefully i'll think with more clarity this weekend.
it's been a loooong week.

drowsiness: 2 because i'm averaging out a 1 in the day and a 3 in the evening.
insomnia: 0. i actually got the best sleep i'd had in WEEKS last night. (pre-celexa as well)
dry mouth: 1- but is it a good sign that i have literally only had one glass of milk & a half glass of water after i sweated it out at the park to drink today so far? maybe it's also worth mentioning that my appetite has been less this week. The Mr. being gone may have had something to do with that; but then, sometimes when he's traveled, i'd had voracious appetites. hmmm
libido: 2.5- middle of the road.
nausea: 1- i've actually had so little to eat today; but i will say after the 5 teddy grahams i had, i felt a little nauseous.

day 12

2011-07-12T19:10:00.004-04:00

drowsiness: surprisingly low- a 2. this morning, though, it was a 5. and i slept relatively well.

insomnia: surprisingly low- a 1.5. i had to get the bean at i think 2am b/c of a nightmare, but otherwise seemed to sleep well & soon after. however, she woke up promptly at an early 6am to use the potty (twice, actually) so she never went back to sleep. the "rule" is not to get up before 7 but she kept going to the potty and needing my help. maybe that had to do with the high drowsy this morning.

nausea: 0

libido: moot

dry mouth: 1

so today, i'm fairly symptom-less. i'm also alone & listening to an all out tantrum at the moment. oh. you hear it too?
i will say that my good eating habits are more difficult to attend to while i have less people to cook for. plus we've been busy with swim lessons in the PM and today we had her 3yo checkup so we still haven't gotten to the store. i hope that all doesn't come back to haunt me.

in any case, i need to come back to this post to see if this will be a trend of "getting better"

but really, it usually does just come and go. maybe this is just a "go"?

let's hope not.

(oh and having her be THREE.... um! wow. that's depressing enough. if you haven't yet checked out her birthday video, i'd love for you to).

day 11

2011-07-11T15:49:00.002-04:00

drowsiness: 3.5 which isn't that great because it zaps my energy to want to exercise. being drowsy makes me feel more lazy which increases my depression. this is a nice catch-22 i got.

libido: moot

nausea: frustrating. i don't know what number to put. b/c generally i'm not at all (0) but then i ate something and it increased to a 2. but i'm very hungry. grrrr

dry mouth: 1

insomnia: 1.5 last night was good. i did wake up for no reason at about 2am. but slept about 30 minutes later.

day 10

2011-07-10T20:45:00.003-04:00

drowsiness: 4.5 was it last night's first full pill of Celexa, or the fact that i skipped lunch, sat in the sun & drank a woodchuck after a big, fun, tiring weekend?

libido: 3.5 The Mr. & i have really enjoyed this weekend, and i have received some very nice affections.

insomnia: 2.5 i have been waking & feeling less-than-rested; however i have gone back to sleep each time.

nausea: before 10 minutes ago, i'd have said 1. now, inexplicably, it is a 2.

dry mouth: 1.5

day 7

2011-07-07T19:57:00.003-04:00

just a quick check-in. again--- this is really for my record of being on Celexa. so when i go to the doctor in a month, i'll have an idea of it "working" or not.

drowsiness- 3.5; although i spent a lot of today sneezing my head off (unrelated) and that usually ups my tired.

insomnia- 2.5. i will say that last night was probably the first night in a really long time where when i was awake for an hour & a half, i was rested and not agitated at all my thoughts of to-do's, depression, problems, etc that is common for insomnia. so, yes, i was awake. but it wasn't horrible when i woke up for real this morning. [the bean also had another tough night. methinks she's really excited for her birthday coming! The Mr. was awesome again at taking care of her!]

libido- 1 (moot point, though)
dry mouth- 2.5
nausea- 2 at times. and generally not in the mood for much food until dinner where The Mr. grilled our chicken to perfection.

sorry for all the boring. more to come soon. let me just get the first week of the pill, activities, guests & general birthday-ness out of the way where i can develop some semblance of thoughts on an actual post.

day 6

2011-07-06T16:13:00.003-04:00

i'm still in the half-pill stage.
actually, my first whole pill will be on the bean's THIRD birthday.
that right there is enough to send me into depression-oblivion!
wow.

anyway, i'm nervous for taking the whole thing b/c if i (may) already be affected by insomnia & drowsy, The Mr. is traveling that week for work.
(oh, hi--- my one reader. now you know he'll be gone. doubtful this is read by anyone else, but shall anyone happen upon this post, let me assure you that though The Mr. will be gone, my hulking lover Constantine [he will crush you!] will be coming back from his Mr. Heavyweight Championship on Sunday to keep me company of course)

with the few half-pills under my belt, i'm seeing/feeling no big progress. of course, i didn't expect anything different.
but last night i felt the same way i feel many times when i'm just disconnected. i went to bed agitated. of course i realize that the pill isn't going to cure all my woes in life.
it just sucks when i really think i'm doing about all i can do here, and still things (without warning) sometimes go in just the same way.

arrrghhh

ok. so
insomnia- 1. actually, wasn't that bad, considering my agitated state. i did wake up a little early, but nothing insane. 6am can be considered normal for non-lazy people.
drowsy- 2
dry mouth- 2
nausea- 1.5
libido- 0 (moot point right now)

day 5

2011-07-05T15:48:00.003-04:00

today's been a good day (so far). the bean and i went to the library, a store, & lunch.
after lunch, she excitedly said, "thank you for having lunch with me!"

those manners & good spirits do a lot to melt my heart!

insomnia- 1.5 .... even surprising that i heard her cry 3x (unusual tough night for her! she actually ended up wetting the bed. The Mr. was awesome!!) ---i was able to go back to sleep rather easily. that hasn't happened in awhile.
drowsiness- 2... i'm feeling a little tired anyway. medicine? the fact that i just read 4 stories non-stop? who knows.
dry mouth- 1
nausea- 1

day 4

2011-07-04T15:39:00.003-04:00

drowsiness- 2.5 (see insominia from yesterday--- i got about 4 hours of sleep)
insomnia-
nausea- 1.5 (at times). was that just a general i feel crappy b/c of the bad nite feel?
dry mouth- 1
libido- 2. probly could be higher if i weren't as zapped.

i will say i had a semi-persistent headache of sorts today. at the base of my neck, as if i needed something to hold & relax my head. pills or crap-nite?

ok... i left insomnia open b/c i keep getting myself confused. since i take my pill in the evening, i'm kinda a day behind in my reporting. but it's hard for me to keep up. so i think i'll see where this gets me, because it is actually day 4 today on the 4th.
hope yours was HAPPY!

we enjoyed some time at the pool, and as i type this i'm listening to a wonderful summer storm.
nice.

day 3

2011-07-04T15:07:00.001-04:00

1st half of pill #2

drowsiness- 1

insomnia- 3.5. was that the pill or the GD dogs barking next door at 3am for 15 minutes. then again 20 minutes later for another good 10 minutes. then the storm that rolled through (and only near us, it seemed) ??

nausea- 0 in general. 2 after eating salmon for the first time. (?)

libido- 2.75. i'm starting to see some progress on the scale, so i'm more willing here. i made a pass or two at The Mr.

dry mouth- 1.5

day 2

2011-07-03T18:03:00.004-04:00

second half of first pill:
insomnia- 2.5. took a while to go to sleep even though i exercised for an hour and a half on top of an early wake-up day. once i slept, i woke up a few times, but was able to go to sleep fine.
drowsiness- 1.5 (see: exercise)
dry mouth- 1
nausea- 1 (or 0)
libido- 1 (see: exhaustion!)

about day 1

2011-07-02T19:30:00.002-04:00

well, the day i took the first half of my pill (yesterday) was literally the most stressful/frustrating day i'd had in weeks. maybe even months.
so that sucked.

which makes it hard to analyze, but i will anyway.

to be clear, it was a stressful day--- not necessarily a "depressing" day.
[maybe one day i'll post a rant on the window guys that were here that caused most of the problems]

as for my data for progress... (on a scale of 1-5)
dry mouth- 1.5
nausea- 1.5 (tho i could've just been too full from dinner; especially since i've been watching what i've been eating, and it was not "healthy")
insomnia- 1.5 though i didn't have trouble going to sleep, i did wake up too early. but i will say i woke up at about 3 or 4am and was able to go back to sleep (first time in days!)
libido- 0. but that was a moot point considering the hellish day we ended up dealing with.
drowsiness- 2 (again- hellish day, up early)

side effects

2011-07-01T14:45:00.001-04:00

...more on my journey with depression medication:

as with any drug, there are many side effects associated with Celexa.
some of the more common ones are:
-decreased libido
-insomnia
-dry mouth
-nausea
-drowsiness

so, here's my thoughts on these 5 symptoms along with more proof that i'm skeptical.

as of yet, being unmedicated, i don't typically have dry mouth (but occasionally i just NEEEED a glass of water) nor nausea.

insomnia hits me every so often, and in the past few weeks a little more often than i'd like. it's more that i wake up in the middle of the night and take no less than 2 hours to fall back asleep.
because of said insomnia, i tend to be drowsy at certain parts of the day.

libido? well, that's a little trickier to answer.
i guess i have low-moderate libido anyway. but that generally stems from low self-esteem. (or see: tired)
if i know The Mr. is interested, it's not difficult at all for me to quickly change my libido. but as far as my initiation of things..... that fluctuates (and has been less and less lately with my self-esteem and frustrations involving that)

also realize that depression itself is usually a culprit of low libido and insomnia. as well as weight gain. (the meds may do that one as well).

so......... seriously? i can't wait to find out if this is gonna work for me. i can't for the life of me understand how i will know one way or the other!

day minus one-pre pill- on a scale of 1-5, 5 being the most:
insomnia/poor sleep quality last night: 4
libido in general the past few days: 2.5
dry mouth: 1.5
nausea: 1 (0 if that were a choice)
drowsiness: 3.5 (see last night's insomnia)

this evening i will be taking the first half of the first pill.

bring it!

skeptical, statistic

2011-06-30T23:08:00.004-04:00

so it's kinda official.
i am not thrilled to be a statistic (or will be starting tomorrow) concerning being one of the bazillions out there who are being treated for depression with medication.
and i am quite skeptical.

i am deciding to blog about this quite personal subject because i think i need to have a record-of-sorts as i venture into this unknown. i have a great tendency to make my memory fuzzy & vague if it's something important, especially to my health.

so here it is.

just the run-down of it:
my depression symptoms are here & there. just a persistent feeling that is sometimes better/worse than others.
no particular "trigger".

currently- i guess on a scale of 1-10, today would be a 4.5. tho' admittedly, tonight is a 6 because i guess i'm feeling a little anxious about taking the medicine starting tomorrow. however, i guess the 6 has more to do with the anxiety and not necessarily the depression.

disclaimer- it doesn't help that i'm quite tired today after losing about 2hrs of sleep again last night when i got up b/c of the bean. i've been pretty draggy all day. (and you see i'm not yet sleeping b/c i need to get this out of my head)

the medicine is a generic form of Celexa.

i feel skeptical about it for a few reasons, one of which is that i know this isn't some sort of magic pill that will suddenly erase things i'm unhappy with in my life. nor will it amnesia-fy me.
dammit.

another reason for my skepticism is that because i've been dealing with this crap for forever, and medication is supposed to be so subtle... ummmm i don't know how the hell i'm supposed to know if it's "working".

there are other reasons, too, i guess. but those are the main ones.

so here, i open up fully so that i can have documentation of whether or not this is "working" for me.
and if it doesn't.....
???????

cobwebs & crickets

2011-06-08T23:10:00.005-04:00

i'd love to dust off the cobwebs of this blog. in a few ways, it's my favorite blog to write. but of course... it's the one i devote so little time to. i've been mentioning (too much) how yaddayadda i don't know what to say blahblahblah nobody bothers to read this anyway woeismeyaddayaddayadda but i know i should do better.

oh how many things i need to improve upon.
i am currently doing what i can to work on myself. in terms of my marriage, my parenting, my frustrations with the cards i have been dealt, and--- well, myself itself.

it's a very frustrating process. some of my closest pals have asked with concern how things are faring. am i any happier/wiser/better. and i don't really have an answer to that.

honestly- i feel overwhelmed. just because i'm trying to correct/adapt to/accept everything at once. all the while doing whatever it is that i normally do in a day.

i'm tracking moods, foods & potty training progresses. i'm reading books, blogs, recipes & old writings. i'm skimming pictures of happy days, sad memories & old videos. i'm trying new recipes, new ideas & even attempted meditation. i'm dreaming of the future, regretting some past & longing for better.

i feel .... hmmm.... what is it i feel?

i need to change pretty much all of who i am. most of which (obviously) i cannot change: events that occured, body image, self-perception & temperament.
i know i need to be happy(er) with my life to be a better mom to jovie, a better wife to The Mr. & a better friend to the ones i still have.

i know this.
i need to fix this.
i haven't a clue.

pretty much my whole life i've felt like i was doing it wrong.

& that's changed only for the worse, as becoming a mother has put a magnifying glass on everything/life. it's given importance to me, where i've never felt important before. self-induced or not- not measuring up is quite difficult.

every time i tell myself to shutup and stoppit... [b/c y'all--- i really do have a WONDERFUL life!]... i think to how great it really is and have all these cuddly memories to feel. until i get to a memory that is not so cuddly. and it cycles me all back around again.

damn. i need therapy.
oh yeah. i've been going to therapy for about 9mos now. mostly weekly.
see? i'm even doing that wrong.

so, how do i feel?
overwhelmed, tired, dejected, lost, angry, frustrated, sad, bored, minor, stupid, wrong, overwhelmed, pathetic, unable, annoyed, nostalgic, jealous, pissed, crazy, less than, overwhelmed & neglected.

.......i haven't wanted to utter any of this BS on my blog. but as i came to it i saw i haven't written in months- hardly at all in over a year.... i know it's been sitting here collecting internet-dust. and there's crickets chirping all around it. i figured now's as good a time as any.

so please.... pardon my rant.

at least i'm not Bert...

2011-04-05T15:19:00.004-04:00

i recently went to have my eyebrows waxed again.

that's not usually fuel for a blog post.... even though sometimes i do feel desperate for a topic!

but every time i go in, i always think the same thing.

tell me, do you feel like you look like this, too?? :

or is it just me?

regret

2011-02-25T22:58:00.004-05:00

there was a time in my life when i used to honestly say that i had no regrets. even though there may have been things in my life that would likely elicit some regret, i felt i had none. i always said that those experiences have all shaped me to be who i was.

ohmigod- i know; right?
slap me.

because
1- wouldn't it be great to say the same even now, and
2- um, it's not like i really ever liked who i was.

good enough

2011-02-08T17:57:00.002-05:00

i am trying to accept being an adult. (grrr)
in so doing, i voluntarily went for a physical (read: bloodwork!)
i was only doing it because i'd never had one done. the only cholesterol check i'd ever had was more than a decade ago.

i didn't really expect anything to come out of these results, but was interested in seeing some of these numbers.

well, i hate/detest/despise/fear needles. but i put my big-girl panties on and went "all by myself!" (i can hear littlebean saying those exact words in my head right now).
and when i got the results back, i was amazed at alllllll the millllllions of things they "test".
incidentally, they did not test my iron. i didn't know there was a big push for knowing potassium levels and other random stuff like that. but iron? that one should've been on there. luckily (or unluckily, i guess) that gets tested every year at my other (girlie) appointment.

anyway... of all the zilllllion little numbers and odds & ends on the report, everything was in the normal range. there may have been a couple of things that were in the upper parts. but there wasn't anything on there that my doc suggested i curb/watch out for/etc...

all is well.

so, see, y'all--- a diet riddled with kraft deluxe & doritos is JUST FINE. my veggie "heyday" has been over for, oh, about 2 1/2 years now. and though i really like most fruits, i still don't eat them. and for some reason or another, i have managed to bypass whatever whole grain bread i've had in the house for the past few months.

i guess that's good enough!

i'll probably wait another 36 years to have my next physical (read: bloodwork!)

better left unsaid

2010-11-17T13:39:00.003-05:00

i know there are some things that are, indeed, better left unsaid. (for example...)
and i also know that this blog has likely become unread. i've updated it so sporadically that i've never developed a comment-base. i didn't "market" the blog like so many others. and, face it, my thoughts are not that interesting. the one person guaranteed to read this (even moreso than The Mr.) is my one faithful commenter--- (thanks, meredith!)

but for some reason i always feel badly that so many things are unsaid on the blog. i hate that i haven't written in 2 months. i hate more that i haven't felt like there's anything worth musing about.

i've had trouble with the blog because quite frankly, there's a lot going on in my mind and i can't make anything sensible come out. some of it i'd felt didn't need to be aired out. but i don't know--- maybe it's frustrating me so much because this is my blog for my thoughts... and i'm not using it.

i started the blog out of curiosity & boredom. i thought i had some things worth writing about. but there are a zillion blogs out there. many many are awesome. unfortunately, some of my favorite blogs are wildly popular. rule #1 in the blogosphere about gaining readership is leaving comments. many comments of mine are overshadowed in the plethora of other comments on these humorous, entertaining, and TRUTHFUL blogs! the authors themselves can't check out everyone that's reading them... or they'd have no time for their families too!

all that to say that i have a readership of one- and 3 other people check this out occasionally. so why am i even writing at all?
i began this blog for me. my self-confidence is like negative, so i never dreamed or thought i would ever be one of the "great" bloggers. so this blog has always just been about my space. it was never intended to be on anyone's radar.

i had hoped starting my own blog would help me process thoughts and ideas, and let me gain some introspection (that i so horribly lack).

and it used to be fun.

but now i see that i let the cobwebs collect on it because it's hard to write about anything else and ignore what's really on my mind. and that is no longer fun.
that has made me avoid my own blog--- my own space to process. my own space to create anything (no matter how jibberish).

i also know that i have important thoughts but when i write them, i want them to be as awesome as some of the other posts i've read (too many to link to on some of my fave blogs). and i just lack that kind of writing talent.
most of the blogs i read show such maturity- not only in their writing, but also in the way they understand themselves so very well!

i'm jealous.

eight

2010-09-14T00:35:00.004-04:00

to think the last time we spent this day apart was eight years ago.
and some of the same feelings arise. i miss you- again.

i know our wedding day could've been so much better. hell, our engagement period even had some bad moments.
i'm sorry it wasn't everything i/we'd hoped for.

but coming down the aisle, and finally looking into your eyes made me believe that everything was going to be alright with that day.
and, it wasn't.
but it didn't matter.

even eight years later, in my darkest & saddest moments, sometimes i conjure up that feeling again of finally seeing you on september fourteenth 'oh-two.
of looking across the aisle while the deacon was speaking and just soaking in that- that right there.
of being able to hold hands & exchange rings--- and how you liked how i did it. (those many episodes of TLC's "Wedding Story" really paid off)
of waiting for the song of eternity to finally end so we could be married.
of that kiss.
of walking down the aisle -with you this time.

i like remembering that.

so, tonight i will likely pop in the only hazy dark video we have of our wedding (that incidentally showed pretty much everything, except for the one thing i want- the kiss!).
i will peruse our albums.
and i will remember fondly why it is we are still here.

eight years later.

maybe a project of mine should be scanning our photos so we have them digitally. one would've come in handy right about now.

appreciation

2010-08-12T09:35:00.000-04:00

sometimes i get so wrapped up in NOT being a "competi-mommy" that i really don't celebrate the things that make the littlebean unique, smart, funny, & adorable.

i've mentioned how amazed The Mr. & i have been at her exploding vocabulary. and we still are. people who get to hear her talk usually tell us how smart she is. (rare... you really have to spend some time around her. she's slow to warm up)

and instead of acknowledging that, i just chalk it up to a good memory. which, i do think is true. but i dunno- sometimes she does do things that really show some type of intelligence, and i almost overlook it.

gack! i'm worse than a competi-mommy.
i hope i won't become a "you're not good enough" mommy. i truly don't think that's it. but i think part of it is that i feel almost embarrassed by some of the things she's able to do so well.

there are several several things she doesn't do well, and i acknowledge those (and am trying to help her in those regards). but i think it's about time i appreciate that she really is pretty smart.

so why not allow me to share just some of the things that we think is awesome:

she is beginning to identify some letters & sounds. currently, she is largely consistent with: B, O, P, J, /d/, /m/, and she's really getting the hang of E
she speaks in long sentences (5, 6 or more words) and has success in using some kind of abstract words you wouldn't expect from many 2 year olds.
she has been spelling her name & telling her birthday for about 4months.
she knows most of the basic colors (and grey), a few shapes, and the numbers 8 & 2.
today in a guessing game where there was only a sliver of a picture showing an animal, she was correctly identifying most of the animals. & most of these slivers showed less-than obvious parts of the animal. she saw not only the lion, and some "normal" animals, but also the flamingo. the seahorse. the whale.
she does have an incredible memory, as is evident by things she'll discuss that happened in May, or after learning what something is and then immediately keeping that for her to identify in the future.... even if we don't discuss it very often after that.
the other day, i was surprised by the fact that she sorted some objects moreso than i would've expected, considering she's never sorted anything before. she doesn't have a lot of patience for learning in a traditional way. but she didn't do the typical sort by color (as most kids will do on first exposure), or even by shape... she sorted by size of shape. that's 2 criteria at once.

i just know i'm not the mom who thinks her child is perfect, or the best, smartest, cutest, etc... in fact, The Mr. & i ask each other all the time, is she really as cute as we think she is? or do we have those typical parent blinders on? because, come on- we've all seen someone's unfortunate-looking kid only to hear the parent say, "isn't he the cutest!?!" kinda like that seinfeld episode.

so, can other 2 year olds do what she does? sure! of course. but knowing how she is, and how i've seen some of her thought processes work (or not work) in the past, i see that she really is getting the hang of some things. and i oughtta give her credit.

because she really is pretty incredible sometimes. and i need to do better.

it happens every year

2010-07-10T05:41:00.004-04:00

someone make it stop.

happy belated birthday, little bean!

oh how i tried to upload the video we made for her blog... go visit now, if you'd like.

weekend discovery

2010-06-14T15:56:00.003-04:00

Greg Pattillo is awesome, y'all.

sometimes for fun, we sit with littlebean at the computer and image search whatever she spouts out of her mouth.... peacocks, toasters, babies- you name it. lately she's been trying to determine the difference between a flute & a trumpet. so The Mr. did a google of flute, and no doubt greg pattillo's youtube was the first thing that came up.

if you don't know about him, spend some time. youtube was up all weekend long, and whenever we had a minute at the computer we found new and more amazing songs.

here's the mario brother's theme song. (i can't get it to not be a link..... so seriously--- go. leave. click it. you'll be glad you did!)

idiot!

2010-06-08T13:54:00.004-04:00

maybe if i post on the idiot things i do, this blog won't be as neglected.

i just posted about a trip to see some animals on my other blog & of course, had Def Leppard's Animal in my mind. so i originally tried to be funny & began the post asking if i was the only one.

luckily, as i linked to the song on youtube, it played automatically. so i kept waiting and waiting for the part that was stuck in my head. you know: "AN-NI-MUHUL".
when it didn't ever play, i took 3 seconds to realize that i was confusing Animal with Panama.

cuz you know.... Def Leppard; Van Halen. same diff.

IDIOT.

it was funny to me...

2010-05-21T13:52:00.002-04:00

the littlebean doesn't watch too much TV, but i gotta admit there are the days where it is definitely our saving grace. we've recently found Blue's Clues on Netflix streaming (to Wii- best!invention!ever!!).

yesterday i queued it all up and noticed the title. The Mr. was in the kitchen & didn't see that it came up. i said to him, "i think i will DIE if they show Blue's pen1s." to which he reminded me, "Blue is a girl".... i just laughed louder. because oh that would be MUCH more fitting!

the title of the episode:
"The Trying Game"
not to be confused with The Crying Game

cancer dot org

2010-04-18T19:24:00.005-04:00

It's that season again, and I am excited to once again join Relay For Life, which is the American Cancer Society's signature fundraising event.

If you have read this blog for awhile, you know that this is one thing that I guess I'm passionate about. Although I am glad to be able to stay home with thelittlebean, my time working for ACS was quite rewarding, and I do miss it.

If you know anyone who is suffering the uncertainty of cancer, please have them visit http://cancer.org for information, local resources & HOPE. Our generous donations are put to valuable use. If they would rather talk to someone immediately, they should call 1-800-ACS-2345.

If you are interested in learning more about Relay For Life in your community, please visit one of the links I have posted in the sidebar.
because, y'all- Cancer Sucks!

april fool

2010-04-01T08:06:00.002-04:00

April 1, 2002- i went and had a fitting to get contacts. after spending over an hour in there trying to get the damn things in, i left. the lady was horrible! (not the dr. but the, well, i don't know WHAT her job was. she wore a white coat, though. does that count for anything?) i kept telling her this wasn't working. did she have any other suggestions about how to poke myself in the eye with a contact? i left & continued to try at home. i repeated & repeated my mantra of "walk down the aisle w/ no glasses. wear sunglasses in Paris"... to no avail. so the next day, i went back, and whassherface was even more rude to me, and while i was in the room trying to do this, i heard her loudly talk to someone about what an idiot i was.

argh! thanks to my friend at the time who gave me a pointer or 2 about how to insert them. i finally got them in, and only saw that jerkhole lady a few more times when having to order or update my RX.

makes me wonder if that lady has anything to do with the fact that they are now CLOSED.

April 1, 2008- while 6 months pregnant with thelittlebean, i went to my regular visit with our doctor. & was admitted to the hospital. of course, it all turned out to be just fine, but that was NOT the dr.'s visit i was quite expecting.

today: April 1, 2010- i have an appointment to get something waxed. i've done my eyebrows through the years. no BIG deal. but um, today... well, i'm gonna go a little more south. like all the way south a la brazil. ohmigod i'm flippin out! let's hope there's nothing foolish to come out of THIS day!
Olé!

oh, and The Mr., if you're reading this--- guess i just blew a surprise!

i want to post

2010-03-11T08:56:00.003-05:00

really, i do.
oftentimes i think of this lonely blog. & i want to dust the cobwebs off the site and post again.
and i go to do just that, and one of several things happen. such as:

little bean wakes up from her nap about a half-hour too early.
i can't think of anything great to say
i can't think of anything to say
i begin to think of something to say & LB comes over and quietly begs for my attention. i have the luxury of staying home with her. i really don't want to neglect her so i can play on the computer. (as i am currently doing)
i stare blankly at whatever it is i'm looking at on the internet and say to myself: "get off the damn computer. you're bored. nothing's getting accomplished. go do something productive."

truth is- i'm feeling a little overwhelmed these days.

i am truly glad that i do not do Facebook & Twitter! because i feel overwhelmed just at the amount of emails i have unread in my inbox. and, sadly, it's not because i'm so popular. these are (mostly) the baby emails that i subscribed to way back when thelittlebean was exactly just that. along with another set of emails i have been getting since, i dunno- 1999?? that i have now pretty much realized i can just *delete* with no problem.

why not unsubscribe? for the baby emails, sometimes i read something that may be useful one day, and i hope that i'll actually remember that info when the time comes. many of them don't interest me, but since their subject lines rarely give way to what's in them, i feel like i need to open them to see.... just in case.

i also have quite a few recipe emails that are sent to me. if you know me personally, i understand if you just laughed out loud at that one. usually i can open, see that everything is made with normal things most people would love (ie: veggies, cream cheese, sour cream....) & i can instantly delete. but occasionally, i find one that interests me. i click the recipe, go to the site & then add it to my favorites. and never look at them again.

and, as far as the other emails, i don't unsubscribe from those because sometimes (read: rarely) they lead me to something quite useful. for fear of missing out, i would just rather clutter & delete.

ohmigod, y'all--- i am an information whore.

snow day

2010-02-15T10:08:00.010-05:00

welcome!

we don't get too much snow here in GA. but this past weekend, we were one of the 49 states that had snow.

aaaah, if only i had a better camera than a "point & shoot". oh well.

and, if you're looking for any photos of thelittlebean in the snow, please come on over to her blog.

language

2010-01-14T11:36:00.002-05:00

my mom & i used to have a "thing" where we both shared the odd things we noticed about the english language. over the years, i would get a forwarded email or hear about something & i always enjoyed sharing it with her.

you know some of the emails... count the Fs, anagrams, the one where evreythign is splld fnny but yuo can stll raed it, and other idiosyncrasies as they've popped up.

we've always said how funky the english language is. and that becomes more and more evident now that i have a baby! from the get-go, i noticed how ridiculous it is while naming body parts... eyes. ears. hands. nose.

wait. there's one nose. not 2..... and nose sounds like toes. which there are 10 of. hmmmmm

now that thelittlebean is talking (a lot!), it's kinda hard to differentiate for her some pretty basic things. such as:

how an orange is called an orange. but apples are green, yellow & red. and sometimes to a small tyke can look like an orange, especially in that one picture book where they got the roundest apple they could find with the shortest stem. but they're not orange. and they're called apples, not "reds"

when i'm cooking i'm not offering her a cookie. nor am i offering a cookie when i ask her too cook like mommy is.

the difference between clothes & close. ---the door, not proximity. you see?? so wow. the english language will only get harder once i also teach her how to spell!

if you're interested in knowing more about the bean's language skills, please pop on over! we love visitors. [and i didn't want to double-post for those few readers that read both of my blogs]

better watch out....

2009-12-21T13:56:00.004-05:00

you'd better watch out, you'd......

what comes next in the old holiday classic "Santa Claus is comin' to town"?

i always sing it wrong. i have a complete mental block on this song. and have since- well- forever.

i always mix up the first lines & sing it:

you'd better watch out, you'd better not pout.

you'd better not cry, i'm tellin you why....

i guess i'm always wrong.

am i the only one??

in any case--- i hope you're on the "nice" list & you all have a very wonderful holiday season! may it be restful, relaxful, & fun. enjoy these times with your families & friends.

you can see that thelittlebean must be on the wrong list....

the first time...

2009-12-09T13:08:00.003-05:00

i've been talking about the internet (& pre-cursor) lately, so it's made me want to share with you about my first time...

i know i'll never forget it.

The Mr. & i were dating a coupla months. I'm pretty sure this was spring of '95.
back then, i discovered these basic search engines on the mainframe. one was "Gopher" & one was "Eric". if i'm not mistaken, there are still teachers' lesson plans on "Eric". Or, they were still there a few years ago.

i remember one night (i think pre-Mr.) i was "gophering" Australia. not that we ever used that term. before people used the internet for searching things, it was hard. you had to find an interest to research. why i came up with Australia, i'm not sure. nowadays, just type any random letter into google, and a dropdown appears for you. now it's so easy to go on a searching tangent! you could probably play on google & in wikipedia for days!

one day, The Mr. came over & was telling me about this thing called the internet. it was like "Gopher" but much easier to use. & it had all SORTS of information on it. he was trying to explain & said i could look up anything. again- i had no idea what to look up. so he suggested that i could even look up sarah mclachlan & find out about her. about her music, and her background and stuff. i think i was listening to her cd a lot at that time.

so we decided to go to the library & play around on this internet thing. what was it called? the world wide web.... all addresses began with http colon forward slash forward slash w w w. crazy how we couldn't forget that http:// crap!

we went to the computer lab. & he showed me how to open it up. type it in (i can't for the life of me remember even where our starting point was, to be honest. i mean, no yahoo or google that i recall. maybe we just typed it in the address bar? no idea!)

and he then explained that anything written in blue would make the little hand come up. and that's called a link. and you can press it and get even more information.

well, in spring of '95, sitting on the front row of the library's computer lab, i inadvertently clicked a link that said (now, i know you're gonna roll your eyes. but this was ninety-five, people!) mmm mmm good. IDIOT!
apparently, no, she did NOT, in fact do a spot for campbell's soup.

no, what i got was a line by line old fashioned slow to come on screen full sized picture of- well- some blonde nak3d chick. p0rn, y'all! my very first exposure to internet was of p0rn.

the worst part of it was that we pretty much knew that from the first 2 lines that were etching across the screen. but this was back in the day. sooooo slooooow and no way to prevent it.

oy vey.
makes me wonder-
did al gore invent that, too?

outcast

2009-11-18T13:44:00.003-05:00

i am not a friend of facebook.
incidentally, i just heard how "unfriend" is the word of the year for the oxford dictionary. i can't say that i have unfriended facebook, because i've never actually joined.

i realize this makes me a bit of an outcast, because i'm one of 2 people that i know personally who doesn't use facebook. The Mr. being the other.

i've been asked by a few of my friends why i won't join, and now i'll pretend you asked as well:

i know i would get addicted.
i already know how few friends i have that i keep in sorry contact with in real life, i don't need a reminder on the internet as well. (email is enough of a reminder)
on the same note, i don't care to "collect" friends. everyone i know is "friends" with someone that they would never be with for real. & i've seen someone's page with friend requests from someone they have never even heard of. (that's what i mean by collecting)
it's hard enough for me to keep my two blogs up to date. i realize quite a few of the blogs i read of people i know personally are never updated because it's so much easier to do it on FB. that makes me sad. but i'm fairly regular with the little bean's blog... even though her gramma is on FB, it's my way of checking in.
my friend has tried many times to get me to join, and let me know that a lotta my family is on there, too! ..... need i say more?

although, if the world would like to follow some changes, perhaps i could be persuaded to join so i could see my friends' happenings & stop wasting time going to their blog that hasn't been updated this whole year.

if FB would re-vamp how to search for someone, it would be so much more helpful. anybody that i would be curious about, it seems they have too normal of a name: jeff smith, anyone? but if i could search by inputting everything i know about someone & get hits that way to narrow the field ... well- maybe then i'd be persuaded. because although it'd be great to know what jeff is up to these days, i am not going to sift through thousands of them for the privilege.
not that i ever spent a ton o' time at classmates.com, but i liked how there was a little blurb about the people (if they wanted to share) and you had to pay to hear about the rest of it... most of the time i would search someone just to see if they have kids or where they live or whatever. it would be so much easier to spy on them than to friend them, see the info, and never talk with them again. (doesn't sound like a "friend" to me).
and as for my spying- it would be fine if they were notified that i looked at their public profile. i don't need to hide it from them. that way if they were thinking: "oh, wow. i haven't thought of mpotter in years!" then they could see mine before friending me as well. i see it goes both ways.
and what about the people that don't have a picture? so, hmm, i should randomly friend a blank jeff smith in the hopes & unlikelihood that it is THE ONE?
or as bad as that, what about all the pictures of babies out there? if a main point of FB is to reconnect with long lost pals, how would i know if jeff had a kid or seven? and if i saw a jeff smith with an adorable baby picture--- well, same thing applies. (maybe at least put yourself in there with the kid since it's your profile??)

... so there you have it. i'm sure you won't miss me on FB at all.

& don't even get me started on twitter....

the making of The Mr.

2009-10-30T09:48:00.000-04:00

#78 explained
so i told of his engagement, but it all started .............................with mine.

who knew!?

a long time ago, in a college far away, it was the dawn of the internet. so as you read, be aware that "internet dating" is so not the same!

yes. The Mr. & i met online. only online in 1994 isn't quite the same as it is now. online in 1994 consisted of Clemson's mainframe system where you could see the (few, student) users logged on at that time. i think 50 was even a lot at any given time. & talking to these users wasn't the same as opening up an I-M and typing to them.
no. we had commands to type in. i can never remember exactly, but it was something like:
se us bruf 'blahblahblah' and i think something else [enter]

crazy! (except, let it be known that my awesome pal mike did some tweaking to my account and made it so i could cut out some of that and just input:
to bruf "blahblahblah" [enter].....this little fact makes The Mr. very jealous of me).

longer story shorter is that one of The Mr.'s friends was talking to me and was leaving to go to dinner, and The Mr. had just walked in from dinner. when he asked what was going on, the friend said- here, talk to this girl. she's mpotter, she is one of 13 and she has striped eyelashes.......

so next thing i know, bruf writes to me: hey, aren't you the girl with the shaved eyebrows......... and like 7 sisters??

and that's how it all began. god how i wish i saved that convo. little did i know how important it would become. it was awesome. we talked for a pretty good while. and i was so ON. i'm not normally that funny- but he really is!! and we were both back and forth and i was saying some funny stuff.
and although he isn't one to pay compliments very often, in that conversation, he did. finally, he said, "you're funny!" and i replied, "marry me!" and his response was, "ok."

.................................... now, that was a great story to tell. and it coulda ended there. but a few days later, i inexplicably got some tuxedo info in my campus mailbox. it was for my "upcoming wedding". say it with me: ??????what?????
so of course i thought of bruf, and went to send it to him. i had to look him up in the phone book (remember those??) and when i did, i noticed that he has a sister that i sorta knew. so it didn't seem to me very stalkerish (pre internet) for me to send the card to him.

we talked for about a month before we met officially on oct. 27th in the ampitheatre at 1am. so many fun conversations over that silly mainframe. we would both brighten as we check the log to see who was on, and next thing you know, i would have "MPOTTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!" come on my screen. to which i promptly would reply "BRUF!!!!!!!!!!"

we made plans for our first date- 15 years ago today. we were going to see Forrest Gump because he was the only person alive who hadn't. and while we were at it, let's go to the CU soccer game, too. and what to do in between an afternoon and evening date? just come hang out in my dorm room........

i got a VCR!!!!!

here's to you, 1994.
and here's to you, bruf. thank you for surviving the history with me.
thank you for guiding me, encouraging me, supporting me, helping me, teaching me.............................LOVING ME.
here's to another 15 years and thensome.

#75 explained- the magic birthday

2009-10-16T10:57:00.001-04:00

continuing my explanations, here's more on #75 of my list of 100.

today marks the 30th anniversary of my "magic birthday".

you may remember i'm a picky eater. i now consider it a major character flaw. and i guess that started at an early age. i noticed my mom used to make me "different" food. she usually had 2 or 3 versions of the same type meal on many nights. not just for me, but i know i was the biggest culprit.

for instance, when she'd make 'chopmeat & macaroni in the oven' (clever title, no?), she'd usually make 3: one with onions & peppers. one without. and one with just onions.

she was great at remembering what we all liked/didn't like. how she could keep up with all 13 of us' tastes, i'll never know. of course, she did spend a lot of time calling me by some other name. but, eh.

it was mainly when she made casserole type dishes that she did this. regular meat & sides, she'd just offer a choice of 2 or more veggies.

when i was super young, i remember having oatmeal for dinner. or scrambled eggs in the microwave*.

apparently i came of the age i'd have to start eating what we had. but i guess my mom figured if she's making enough for an army, it didn't really matter to her if she could leave something pesky out.

still i had issues with dinner almost nightly. how many times did my sisters try to coach me into eating my veggies? i would eat them one by one. ice cold, no doubt. if i were forced to eat veggies right now, i'm sure i'd do it the same way.

oh, and i learned to swallow many whole.

how many times did i rip open the string beans and "pretend" they were peanuts? how many times would i hold my nose, close my eyes, and STILL have a problem with what i was eating? how many times would i scatter my food around the plate, because we ALL KNOW the amazing physics behind how when you do such a thing, it miraculously fools your parents into thinking that you did, in fact, eat your supper.

just eat the veggies first they'd say. because apparently warm veggies that are disgusting are supposedly less disgusting than cold veggies that are disgusting. but no! i'd rather eat what i like just in case the world ended and my last taste wasn't broccoli. (or, more likely my dad became a softy that night and let me be done). the fewer pieces of corn eaten the better, in my book.

yes. i had problems with normal vegetables, as well as the grosser ones (creamed corn, anybody?? something that looks, smells, and tastes like, well..... eeewww).

i can still right now at this very moment conjure up the smell & taste of cauliflower. and the ONE time i had to have beets.

how many nights did i go to bed at suppertime b/c i flat out refused to eat? i just couldn't. and do you know that from all this turmoil, i developed a semi-talent...

i digress.

my mom made the BEST spaghetti ever. apparently. every sibling that would have people over for dinner for all years would request that we had either spaghetti or chicken paprikas. she was famous for it.

no jar here. unless you count the tomato paste that went in. with homemade meatballs as well. we usually had spaghetti on wednesdays because that was her bowling night and her night off from work. so she would start it in the morning. it was an all day affair; this famous sauce.

(2 meatballs a person, y'all. she had to ration. pity the pals that would come over and we didn't tell them that rule! and if she added sausage to it, you were allowed one of those)

not me. no thanks. tomato sauce.... eeks.

she'd drain my spaghetti, put mine aside with butter & mix the rest. i rarely got seconds. but honestly?? i LOVE spaghetti w/ butter. it's not that i tolerated it. even now, sometimes i crave it. it really is good.

so i knew i was a pest. and i knew i was tired of not liking things. and i was convinced that i was just being a baby. that if i just told myself to like spaghetti (et al) i would.

so somehow i figured that 5 was my magic birthday. i guess 5 year olds have much more mature palates than those damn 4 year olds! ooooh, i talked this up so much. weeks?? my family was in on it. and helped me convince myself that i am right.

for my birthday dinner (anything i want), i told my mom to make RED SPAGHETTI. yes i was serious. no, i didn't want paprikas. (shocking, i know!).

one of my sisters can vouch for me. i WANTED with all my heart for this to be my magic birthday. (don't butter it, mommy. i want to have grown up RED pisketti!) i was going to like RED pisketti. i can't wait! it's my magic birthday.

until i tasted it.

luckily, mom had the foresight to save me some WHITE spaghetti.

i was so disappointed. imagine... if i didn't like my mom's spaghetti sauce... there's none out there for me.

so it's now the 30th anniversary. and there's no spaghetti on the menu this weekend.

*who the hell eats scrambled eggs in the microwave?? i once saw an episode of Take Home Chef & when Curtis picked the chick up & asked her what was for dinner, that is seriously what she was planning on having. it was priceless! not "scrambled eggs". but "scrambled eggs in the microwave". i lived on them. not anymore! i'll dirty up a pan no problem.

little did i know

2009-10-08T16:05:00.000-04:00

#89 explained, or part 2 of the engagement story.

so yes. little did i know all the things that were happening behind the scenes so that on friday, july 27, 2001 The Mr. would propose to me. (just 10 days off, Tom!)

little did i know that back in june, probably even before i started the thinking and the mulling and the harping and the obsessing The Mr. started putting everything in motion with an email to my sister.

her husband was a diamond dealer at the time. (nice!). The Mr, my sister, and her husband have even sat together before looking at the stones he brought home one day while they had us over for dinner. all of us knew exactly what i wanted: traditional. gold. round. less than a carat.

little did i know that The Mr. met with my BIL & already picked out a ring for me before our trip to michigan.

little did i know that when i went to a kickboxing class, i would break the one fingernail that was important to me.... after a summer of finally growing my nails out.

little did i know that my flippant comment made thursday night of "look which nail i broke. oh well, don't need it" would be resolved the next day.

little did i know that i about gave The Mr. a caniption b/c i kept asking why the window curtain was off to the side. (it would help you to know how very unobservant i normally am. for me to notice this was kinda "off")

little did i know that it was off to the (wrong) side b/c while i was at kickboxing class breaking my nail, he was talking to my parents asking their blessing. and he was antsily waiting for me out the window because i was due home any moment.
i came home right after he hung up from my mom.

we had planned to go to eat at our favorite indian restaurant in ATL on saturday. and i don't remember exactly why, but The Mr. thought it would be fun to go after work instead. so we planned to do that. a real-live date on a friday night? no way!

little did i know that friday morning he was done with me whining, and while he watched me sleep, he went into the closet, looked at the ring and almost just gave it to me right there. (thank you, honey for NOT doing that!).
i'm pretty sure my discussing possibly moving in with my friend who wanted to move out of her parents place had something to do with that one.

so friday comes. and i should let you know that when i was teaching i tended to get some major cabin fever by the end of the summer. couple that with the obsessing i was doing, and i guess i wasn't like the funnest to be around.
although i was really excited for date night. take me out of the house and into the big city, pa! WOW.

we had a nice dinner. very normal. nothing out of the ordinary. day-to-day conversation. then The Mr. suggested we check out a park he's heard of. we love going to parks, and took weekly walks at a local park near our apt. so this --- didn't clue me in. it was early yet. we're in ATL. let's go to piedmont park of course.
and that's where i stupidly talked about stupid stuff. i can't even remember. but i swear i think i was recapping a little of Days of Our Lives. (seriously???)

we walked all around the lake. little did i know he was scoping out the "perfect spot".

oh. did i mention it was late july? we're in pants. and his car's air was busted at the time. so we drove the half hour to ATL with the windows rolled down. (my car was having tire issues, so we didn't wanna drive on those either).

see--- so NOT what you'd think in a proposal. i coulda been way cuter. and less stupid w/ the conversation.

until we sat down at the lake. taking in the scenery.
and then The Mr. starts talking. and god how i wish i could remember everything he said. i didn't even remember it back then. i do remember he opened with how glad he was that we started talking about this stuff lately.
(really? b/c i know i'm harping on it a lot). it's been good. and he talked about our past. and what i mean to him. and it was all a really good conversation.
(still no freakin clue.... i just figured he was FINALLY opening up b/c he knew he really should by now). and i just blindly said my "thank yous, me toos, uh-huhs" enjoying this new side of him.

little did i know he had a diamond ring box in his sock so i wouldn't see/feel it in his pocket. [with the exact ring i wanted. that still garners me lots of compliments]

we were already sitting, so there was no awkward getting on his knee or anything.
i didn't even see him get it.
& because i SO wasn't expecting anything, i wasn't even looking at him during this part of the heart-to-heart. i turned my head to see the view & then alluvasudden, he had different types of words coming out of his mouth.

he continued to tell me that he loves me. and he has liked growing with me. and he said something to the effect of how he wants to continue to grow with me. and then he asked "would you do me the honor of becoming my wife......will you marry me?"

i'm not even sure how much of that i really heard. b/c right when it started to sound all propos-y, tears and shaking and emotions just flooded me.
hugs and kisses and yesses abound. shrieking. and watching him smile oh so big. and more hugs and kisses. (in public, y'all!!!)

i truly never thought he could surprise me. i always thought i'd know. even down to hearing him opening up, it really didn't occur to me. and i always thought i'd have a clue.

afterwards, sharing our bliss i see a white van with no windows drive nearby. twice. so not 5 minutes after he proposed to me did i ask him if it was a joke... and were we on Spy TV?

he went on to explain that he had thought of proposing on our way to g'ville to see his parents, and stopping by clemson to do so. but then he thought he'd like to do it here in ATL. because this is where we're making our life together, and he wanted to make new memories for us.

little did i know....

#88 explained

2009-09-30T14:20:00.005-04:00

to continue with further explanations (ie: a post idea!)
here's where i give the background of our engagement. (#88 in my 100)

i really never thought The Mr. could surprise me with an engagement. i know that makes no sense, especially now seeing how many surprises he's kept since then.

we had been living together for a year. so i knew that being together all the time would kinda ruin the whole "hey, why not get all fancied up for no reason, no reason at all, but let's go to some place extra special just because" proposal. i mean, really. we aren't the type to just regularly have nice dinners in ATL all the time.

let's rewind a little.
moving in with The Mr. was SUCH a huge deal for me. i really didn't want to, but saw many reasons why i should. it's the catholic guilt & moreso the potter guilt that went with my having to tell my parents that *gack* i'm gonna move in with him.
[and, no. that didn't go very well. but it didn't end our lives or anything, so...]

however, after being together already for 5 1/2 years, i was kinda scared of the whole "why buy the milk....." i remember the night before he hauled my stuff to GA i cried to him & made him promise that he had intentions of marrying me at some point. otherwise, i just didn't think it would make any sense.

of course he did.

so i promised myself that i would right then and there NOT discuss anything having to do with the m word (or the w word) for at least a year. let him do things on his own. i knew his plan was working out. he had wanted to graduate, go to grad school, have a job & establish himself before he'd propose. so i was giving him time to do that.

and i did great!
took weddings and marriage out of my mind. lived our life, blahblahblah.

then it was time to plan a vacation. we were going to go to michigan to see where he was born/lived up until 7th grade. he was raised in detroit, and had family in some areas around there. so we made a vacation out of seeing his haunts in detroit, see family, and travel up to see the sand dunes (abso-f-ing-lutely amazing!) & macinac island, and all kindsa fantastic places en route. it truly was an awesome trip that i still remember fondly. i highly recommend it!

it was right before that trip that i started to have inklings creep into my brain. mainly b/c my friends came to visit us, and i was having a convo with tom about how i just didn't think it would be happening anytime soon. (The Mr. was asleep, so i wasn't hinting here). he predicted it would happen on our trip. he even gave a date. (july 17th)

but really, i wasn't harping on it at all.
until we got there. and not one set, but 2 of the 3 sets of family we saw began to question ME about why we aren't engaged.... more than once.
each time, i answered an appropriate: "ask him!" (they didn't).

and yeah, it came to mind on the 17th. and maybe 2 other times where it was OH SO ROMANTIC.... this would be perfect, pleasepleasepleaseplease.....

the last thing we did there was to go back to his grandmother's. and she lives out in nothingplace. (coincidentally awfully close to tom's small town which i asked her to take us to so i could see the brand new [only] stoplight!)
so on the way back from nothingplace to detroit to catch our flight, we had time to talk. where i told The Mr. that grandma has been asking about the future of us.... both times we saw her. more than once.... hint. hint. let's talk.

so whatever. we talked.
but by then the cat was out of the bag. and i become, um.... rather obsessive. once i get goin, it's hard to stop me. so of course all week long i thought and thought and mulled and cried and fussed about when and whynot and when!?!

i kept bringing it up. and The Mr. would respond. at one point he even said something cryptic (hi! hindsight... i see you now) about maybe by sunday he will be able to tell me how he's feeling.

finally, i'd had ENOUGH of the talk and the thoughts and the sleeplessness and the crabbiness. on that friday i had told my friend on the phone "i'm done. i'd rather be with him and not married than to be without him. so it's fine if he's not ready. i'm done with the obsessing"

friday night- we were engaged!

96 & 97 explained

2009-09-10T23:13:00.004-04:00

i thought it might be fun to expound on some of my list of 100. (who am i kidding? i need some ideas)
so, #96 & 97 go somewhat hand-in-hand:

The Mr. & i are about to celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary. we got married in my hometown- columbia, SC, home of the Gamecocks. it happened to be a BIG game weekend. at "home". which seriously pissed off a sister of mine. and caused a ruckus among others. traditionally, the USC/UGA game is pretty big. always competitive. and that was the weekend we had the audacity to get married.

silly us, we consulted our calendars & our ideas of when a nice wedding could be. we took advantage of the brand-new calendar my school system adopted for that year which gave us a week off in september. [incidentally, of the times of year we were looking at marrying, the summer was NOT one of them. i was adamant that my profession shouldn't dictate when i should get married... especially b/c i HATE to be hot. c'mon--- summer wedding in the south? yikes!]
we did not look into local sporting schedules.

had we done that, i bet more of my family would've enjoyed our wedding reception for what it was. and not sat in the hotel bar (with our free booze, i will add) watching carolina play georgia on tv. [i'm not sure... but i think GA won that year. i never really wanted to keep up with knowing. guess i coulda asked my friend who wore his damn earphones during the reception]

had we consulted the carolina home schedule, some of my family members would've been more concerned at the torrential downpour that was occuring (and ruining our plans for post-pictures) in regards to the new bride & groom---instead of how the stadium lost power for a time! oh no! what now??

if we put any thought into football instead of our wedding, i might not have had to defend my song choice to my sister when she came ranting to me (the only time i think we even talked at the reception at all) because we had the NERVE to have the band play "georgia on my mind"... she demanded to know why i would choose such a song! i reminded her that The Mr. & i have now made our home IN GEORGIA. she looked at me, a little dumbstruck and said "huh. oh, ok. that makes sense. i thought you were doing it because of the game". to which i replied (also a little dumbstruck) "nooooo. not everything revolves around football." then i heard her scoff.

if The Mr. & i only wanted to get married some other season, the same crazy sister might not have been featured on the front page of The State newspaper (sunday edition, no doubt!). this was back in the day when Lou Holtz was coaching. apparently, he held some football clinic for women. and of course my sis went. there was a Q&A session, and the reporter thought it'd be great to feature this as front page news...
my sis was in a discussion w/ lou holtz as to why she shouldn't have to be at our wedding. lou made a joke and said it was his understanding only the bride & groom need attend. and she responded how she'd be sure to miss the bouquet toss.
hahahahaha........
thanks, sis.
-----oh, and what burns me up even more??? i was never mentioned by name. so anyone reading that had no idea that a-i was getting married & b- my sister was a putz.

if we had decided to marry some other time, our going-away might have been more traditional. you know, wishing the bride & groom well. maybe make a lude comment or 2 in jest. decorate the car with words that didn't say: "go cocks! UGA sucks". or maybe i could've gotten in the car with my new husband and not witnessed the skirmish between crazy sister & some randomass drunk georgia fan as they are fighting for the window pen. i'm pretty sure some dude wrote something on the car before we could get a chance to drive off.

so, this weekend marks the 7th anniversary of that game!
to which i would like to conclude with:

GO DAWGS!!!

stranger danger

2009-09-02T14:26:00.004-04:00

there's an article on ajc.com today about a 61yo man slapping another woman's (a stranger's) child in a local Wal-Mart. he went up to the lady with the crying 2yo and said, "If you don't shut that baby up, I'll shut her up for you."
and then a few minutes later, that's what he did. he picked her up and slapped her across the face 4 or 5 times. (you can read the article here)**

i shared this info with my friend and we started talking about -first of all---- SERIOUSLY?? O-M-G. but then, would you discipline another's kid?

i would have no problem with someone disciplining thelittlebean. if she needs disciplining. if she's getting into something or bothering your kid and i'm not around (really? when am i not around??) i'd have no problem with your telling her to cut it out. or solving the problem by taking away whatever's the cause.

i wouldn't expect anyone to cross the taboo line of spanking with another child. since that's such a hot-button issue anyway, it's likely you have a differing opinion than that of your friend.

i know when i taught for 7 years, i had no problem disciplining other students. if you are running in the hall, it's still not OK even if your teacher's not around. or if i see that you're starting to tell my 1st grade student that there's not a santa claus- you bet i'll say something to you about that... you just can't go 'round ruining kids' lives and dreams!!

i can't believe that man in the article, though. i mean- it's kinda sad to think he's so wound up right now that he couldn't stop himself before he crossed such a line. nobody likes to hear the babies cry in Wal-Mart (or wherever).... least of all that mom! but WOW. to haul off and smack a kid. in front of the mom. instead of just leaving the store? or rolling your eyes? or even mumbling loudly under your breath.

in a time where you can get in trouble for publicly spanking your own kid, he really risked a lot to make such a statement.

i'm sure many out there would say we don't have the right to 'parent' a kid who's acting up. and then there are those out there who say "it takes a village..."
what do YOU think?

**if you clicked on the article, then you saw the picture of Mr. Scowly-McScowlerson. it's hard not to wonder if this is the first time he's done something like this.

ciento

2009-08-18T11:16:00.008-04:00

it's taken me forever (a month shy of 2 years) to reach the 100th post mark.
i bet bloggers aren't even doing this anymore, but since i've had a list started for awhile ---i knew it would take me forever to get to 100--- i can't waste it.
besides, i haven't posted in awhile. and this'll be something (relatively) easy.

so now, in no particular oder, i bore you with:
100 things about me...

i was born in lexington hospital; ours was room 233, which was my address growing up as well.
i am the youngest of 13 kids.
i am afraid of fire, bugs, and fear.
roly-polys are just fine though.
i have striped eyelashes
i have a small hole on the side of my left knee.
i think that hole used to be a wart. i was plagued with them when i was little.
i am a procrastinator, much to The Mr.'s chagrin.
but i always arrive on time or early.
i am extremely unobservant, both physically & emotionally.
which makes me the least introspective person ever.
i want to change that.
when i was 3, i was hospitalized for lazy-eye corrective surgery.
it wasn't until i was in the 6th grade that i found out that i did, in fact, have surgery. all i remember is the popsicle stick & eyepatch therapy. and dr. graham.
i also was hospitalized at age 4 for pneumonia.
i've only struck one match in my life. i was 4. and yes, unsupervised. smart like i am, it scared me when it burned me, so i threw it down. behind the couch. idiot! (see #3)
i've been an aunt since i was 4.
i remember the exact date & mortifying moment when in 8th grade i started my period. (sorry!)
i truly was sweet 16 & never kissed. until a month later, with my "1st love"
i still get excited for santa claus!
but The Mr. is the best gift-giver ever. he gets me things i didn't even know i wanted (see #10)
the only gift i ever gave a teacher was a box of chocolate-covered cherries.
chip rhoden challenged me in the 8th grade to say my alphabet backwards.
i succeeded on the first try, and now it's my one talent.
plus naming my family fast.
i cure hiccups by drinking upside down from the opposite side of the glass. (take a minute to picture/practice that. really.)
in the one grad class i took, i once wrote a paper about not being able to write that paper.
i got an A on that paper.
in undergrad, i was constantly criticized for writing like i talk. maybe i should've invented the blog?
in college, i took english (and history) like 4 times. kept dropping the classes.
i learned more about history in my AAH class.--- art & architectural history.
one of my favorite classes.
another was ballroom dancing. i got an A.
i snap funny. each hand snaps a different way.
i love musicals.
i've never broken a bone
but i got 27 stitches in my face.
i love to play all kinds of board/card/word games.
i participated in Odyssey of the Mind. twice.
it wasn't until i was in college that i learned which was the "right" side of the road.
i made an ass of myself on my 1st grade field trip.
i abhor the feeling of strands of wet hair on my hands. i have to spend the time to get each strand off of me before i can keep shampooing.
i lost a ton of hair (for about 4mos) after i had littlebean. showers took way too long!
i got called to the principal's office once. in 6th grade. b/c someone found a dollar that was dropped that i guess i wrote my name on. so he lectured me on writing on government property/vandalism--- something of that sort.
i didn't get caught for accidentally skipping a class in high school.
i love to travel!
i'm the pickiest eater ever
and have never tried pizza.
chicken paprikas (poppycosh) gives me the most google hits.
maybe i'll post the recipe one day!
i have 2 cats- yiminy & doh
i was in high school marching band, & call me a geek, but it was the best thing i could've ever done!
we went to national championships & got 9th in the nation my SR year.
i'm an extremely vivid dreamer.
i can roll my tongue into a hotdog.
i cannot for the life of me roll my r's in spanish.
i took spanish for like 5 years.
no hablo espanol.
i'm generally good at identifying famous voices.
i am not a confident person.
nor am i athletic.
some of my cousins- on a few occasions- have paid me to shuttup.
so one summer i made $27.
i have an uncle who is a priest (monsignor) helping the poor in Brazil.
on many occasions the potter family has had mass conducted in our living room (when my uncle and another priest friend would come visit).
we buried my mom on my 32nd birthday, after having lost her 5 days earlier on my sister's birthday.
i met dominic monaghan in LAX.
The Mr. advised me not to. but then was glad i did.
i love bendy straws.
i've never been stung by a bee.
nor had a cavity.
i used to do scherenschnitte.
i also collected thimbles for awhile.
the first movie i remember seeing in the theatre was Grease for my 5th birthday. (but i could be wrong about when. b/c the dates don't add up)
i thought my 5th birthday was going to be my "magic birthday"
i got chickenpox when i was 4. i caught them from my neighbor- anique manhaut (sp??)
i graduated from Clemson University.
that's where i met The Mr.
i changed majors my sophomore year intending to become a doctor.
that pissed my dad off.
i ended up changing back; i couldn't handle telling people their loved ones are going to die.
i taught 1st grade for 7 years.
then i worked for The American Cancer Society.
i was pregnant the entire time i worked there; now i'm at home.
jovie is the 30th grandkid to be born on my side of the family.
she's the first on my husband's.
i've been with my husband almost 15 years
i never thought he could surprise me with a proposal.
i was wrong.
we've been married almost 7.
there have been at least 3 people whose wedding was the last contact we had of them.
i am still in contact with everyone who was in ours.
i made up a little ditty called "little bean"
i still sing it to her.
she doesn't notice/remember/care.
my wedding day sucked in quite a few ways.
i usually pull for USC gamecocks in football..... except when they play UGA or Clemson.
our honeymoon was the best days/vacation i can remember.
there are more random bits of me here & here. i tried not to repeat too much.
looking back at this list reminds me of what a huge DORK i am.

who's your favorite?

2009-07-28T22:07:00.005-04:00

i saw a commercial the other day for the new show coming in the fall: cougar town.
it's nice to see courteney cox in a new show. i guess dirt is over. i doubt i'll be watching this new show either.
one thing that struck me, though, is that the announcer said something to the effect of "a favorite Friend is back." which made me dispute out loud. i noticed just now, watching another commercial for it, that he left that part out this time. i rewound it to be sure.

The Mr. then asked me who i thought that would be. so i listed for him who i thought that was. i said:

chandler
phoebe
rachel
joey
monica
ross

i listed who i thought may be in that order according to what i thought would be public opinion.

my own personal list would pretty much keep it the same, except i'd put monica below ross. and depending on the day, i'd probably change out joey & rachel.

of course, he googled it & after disputing that chandler would be even near the top (he ranked him #6), this is the list he found:

chandler
joey
ross
phoebe
rachel
monica

so, here- i ask you. you're the public. what's your opinion??

one down...

2009-07-14T09:28:00.003-04:00

happy birthday:

let's hope year 2 is even better!

so much to say

2009-07-08T22:29:00.003-04:00

wow. there are just so many things i could discuss right now. so many thoughts, feelings, hopes, regrets, & wishes. maybe a few lessons learned scattered in there, too.

unfortunately, no matter how hard i try- i just can't put these words together to form any coherence. i think it's because i lack commitment.

as in: do i commit to using this blog as a forum for me to discuss the (many)difficulties we had with this little bean who was SO INCREDIBLY DEMANDING? i don't really want to "badmouth" her on her own blog, so i could potentially use this as my sounding board. but something tells me i don't want to immortalize all the bad, even if it is to remember how far we've come & see what is now good.

do i commit to discuss all the adorable things that happen from day to day?... the smiles, laughs, and things she's doing/learning. well, i pretty much recap day to day on her blog. and something also tells me i don't want it to be so rainbow-y/sunshiny because remember, i like honesty.

i also have a problem because most blogs i read have wonderful heartwarming thoughts dedicated to their child on their birthdays. i'm not feeling as poignant. i lack introspection. and, really- how blasé for me to say "wow, this year was so hard! and yet so entertaining. boy, i love this kid".

i could point out some things that i didn't expect. but that would take up a ton of space!

i've been "working on" a post for at least a week, now. but i just don't feel as though i can let all of these thoughts/feelings out. they belong to me. some are (naturally) private. some are incomprehensible. some are so joyous, i'd hate to be all sappy.

i'm overwhelmed (to say the least) at this moment, remembering just where i was this time last year. i've done that throughout this whole year... remembering being pregnant. surprised that i enjoyed that. remembering the anticipation.

getting her here was very much a battle. we were so very fortunate how healthy she was throughout the whole process. i won't bore you with the details right now, but to sum it up, it was 26hours of mostly natural labor that ended up in a c-section in order to bring that precious (precocious?) bundle into the world.
living with her was also very much a battle for many months. our mantra was always "thank god she's cute and healthy!"
learning our new roles as family has without a doubt been a challenge. one that i fear i'll never master.

but, all in all- WOW. Little Bean will be one year old in a few hours.
i wonder when it will all sink in....

the first year

2009-07-04T10:00:00.005-04:00

the first year of littlebean is coming quickly to a close.
i have a few thoughts on the subject, but while i try to compose myself, please enjoy the following proof of how quickly beans can grow:

why, yes. there ARE 3 L's!

2009-06-08T09:28:00.004-04:00

i'm not sure why, but sometimes the line "there are 3 L's in gullible" stands out to me. i can't even attest to how common that retort has ever been, or if i heard it once, and i was the only one who ever thought it.

i write it out now b/c this post is about honesty. and where do you draw the line between believing a lie, and becoming gullible? (The Mr. LOVES to make me gullible. he will say something overandoverandover until finally i'm all: "really? hm. ok" and then he'll say "ha! just kidding")

i'm horribly lacking in the introspective department, but having a blog and a daughter sometimes gets me thinking. & sometimes it dawns on me that i just realized something about myself.

one thing is: i take honesty very seriously. i have always taken people at their word. i'm trusting. gullible? i'm not so sure. naive? maybe i used to be. trusting? definitely!

i guess i was a late bloomer in questioning anything in life.... religion (college), relationships (after being committed for a year+), choosing a major in college (a little back and forth went on 2 years later)..... even down to santa and the rest of his come-in-the-middle-of-the-night-for-treats pals.

i didn't officially find out about santa until 5th grade. (i know!) although it was 3rd grade that a lot of the creepy boys would argue their point, i spent the better part of 2 years still believing with all hope that santa MUST be true.

i even lied about a "friend" who had no money and a gloooorrrious christmas (oops) to prove my point. because i knew that my parents didn't have the dough for what i always thought was a good christmas. i'm sure by anyone else's definition, our xmases were pretty "eh". and, naively, i never thought there were people in the world who didn't have christmas (not by religious choice.... by poverty)- so i knew all those kids in africa* had to have a santa.

it just never occured to me that my parents would have lied all those years.
oh, don't get me wrong- i will lie to littlebean for as long as she'll let me about christmas! i think it's so much about the spirit. i still have that "i believe" feeling and i get giddy during that time of year. doubtful that would've happened, had i not been lied to for so much of my childhood.

kudos to my parents for keeping the dream alive, even when i was probably too old to believe it. kudos to them for not spoiling the fun, and deciding to wait until i asked to confirm it.

but in any case, i think a big reason why i did believe in all that jazz is because i took them at their word. i mean, why would you lie about something like that. not to mention all the stories/songs/radio announcements on xmas eve/phone calls to 1800#s to hear a jolly "hohoho" on the other end.

this is just the earliest example i can find in my life of how honesty is a major thing for me. i was a little hurt that they lied. of course, i got over it. (but boy, i was stupid for confirming in november!!! that xmas sucked).

recently, though, i had a good friend lie to me. (luckily, not a reader of the blog)
and it honestly hurt me to the core. i think she sees that now, but really- it is quite difficult to trust her to the same extent. it's hard not to wonder when it may happen again (if it was so EASY to lie to my face).
of course, i know in time i'll stop constantly questioning her. but in the meantime, i have to try to get over it. try to stop the doubt. try to stop hurting. & most of all, try to stop understanding how you could blatantly lie to someone you supposedly care for. i'm not sure i could ever understand.

i know i've done my fair share of lying in the past. by omission, mainly. i'm not your typical lie-to-your-face kinda gal. i think you'd see right through me.
i just think that there's a time, though, where you grow up & realize that lying is for 12 year olds. or for parents who want to keep the christmas spirit alive.

*i grew up in the 80s. africa was always the depiction of sadness & poverty.

spilled beans

2009-05-29T22:52:00.004-04:00

it's no secret that i love surprises! when i was pregnant with littlebean, there were a few ultrasounds that i was adamant about reminding them that we didn't want to know if it was a boy or a girl.
when i was younger, i would help my sister out by wrapping my own christmas gifts. she'd have all the boxes w/ our names on them & never once would i peek. i knew once i did, the fun of it would be over.

The Mr. is fantastic at keeping surprises for me. he's been privy to both a wedding & a baby shower on my behalf. he has given me surprises of his own over the years.

and i guarantee i can keep a secret myself. i know how horrible it would be to ruin someone's surprise.

yet i've done that, too. by accident. 3 times.
twice to the same man. (ouch!)
me & my big mouth.

i will admit total fault to one of them. i just didn't think things through.

the three times that i have spilled the beans:

an assistant manager at piggly wiggly where i worked & his wife were expecting their first child. his parents were friends of my family growing up, and oftentimes they would come into the store and shop through my line. they learned of the good news because i had congratulated them. oops! but, really- how was i supposed to know that a mere cashier would know about this days/weeks before his parents!?!
i also told them on another shopping trip that this manager had finally gotten his own store. oops. completely my fault. this time.
sadly, i told my best friend's brother that their dad was having health problems. it had been several weeks (months??) when i casually asked him how his dad was doing. confused, he answered "fine". when i delved a little deeper, it was apparent he had no idea of the issue. i still feel plagued by this one from time to time.

The Mr. says i have a big mouth. in these instances, i guess i do. but really i'm a loyal secret-keeper myself.

actual conversation with The Mr.

2009-05-13T15:28:00.005-04:00

...so mother's day was nice. The Mr.'s parents were in town to see how much littlebean has grown (and flourished). after they left on sunday, we went and grabbed an ice cream. ok, i was the only one eating the ice cream, but yummy. it was my first cone in over 10mos. i promised LB that when she's older, we'll be sure to go more often.

anyway, i got some sweet cards and a nice gift.
but it was odd, because the week prior to them coming, The Mr. mentioned needing to call his dad. which he never does. he wanted them to bring hedgeclippers or something. and when i suggested emailing, he said, "i'll call him tonight"....

flashforward to sunday night, and witness a conversation between The Mr. & me:

Me: can i tell you something without you thinking i'm judging? (great convo opener, huh? try it sometime.)
Mr: sure.
Me: i'm NOT saying that you should've, or that i wanted you to get Clemson for me, but i was surprised that you didn't, is all.
Mr: ??? ok?
Me: I thought you were going to...
Mr: why?
Me: well, it's just that a few days ago, you mentioned needing to call your dad instead of emailing. on the same night i was going out to dinner.
Mr: oh, ok.
Me: and then, when you didn't call & yesterday you said you had to call your mom right around the time they'd be leaving, but not right then because you were feeding LB and you needed 2 hands (???)...
Mr: i was feeding her.
Me: no, i know. but i thought you were making an excuse b/c i was around. you ended up calling them when i was upstairs getting dressed.
Mr: yeah. hmmm.
Me: so since you never call them, i assumed it was b/c you had to get Clemson sent to them b/c obviously you couldn't send him here if you were surprising me, since i'm home all day. and also because you knew i didn't buy him & there was only one left.
Mr: right. funny.

so Monday, The Mr. left for a business trip, and what gets delivered?? yes. Clemson. HA. it was already on the way.....

so, see- he's excellent at gift giving AND surprises! i think i'll keep him.

2009-05-11T12:56:00.004-04:00

happy (belated) mother's day to any of you who may fit the bill.
this was my first (official) day of "my own".
i have too many thoughts surrounding it, but none as poignant as these that i read this morning: here & here.

there are things i celebrate about being a mom.
there are things i worry about being a mom.
there are things i fear about being a mom.
there are things i shouldn't even think about being a mom.
there are things i miss about my own mom; especially since becoming one.

i'd like to share some fantastic thoughts. i'd like to open up (a little) & get new viewpoints. i'd like to commiserate with all of us who are missing their own mothers & motherfigures.
i just don't have the words.

enjoy your kids today. & tomorrow too.

are you a googler?

2009-05-05T09:46:00.009-04:00

The Mr. has an interesting "talent". he can google better than anyone i know. admittedly, i don't usually bring this up in conversation, so i guess i don't know how other people fare at the art of googling.

he's always been a great researcher. when he'd go to the library in college, he spent a lot of time using it correctly. so it comes as no surprise that he would be good at this current form of research.

me? notsomuch.

i never know if i should be "formal" in my search for something (and just state the terms w/ some boolean crap in there for good measure) or if i should just "ask" my search. [The Mr. will have fun "asking" google all kinds of stupid stuff using horrible grammar on purpose].

i have always sucked at research. to this day, i'm not sure how i managed writing papers in HS & college. (no surprise i hated english).

google confounds me, but obviously it's not that big of a deal since i'm not graded on my googling performance.

i really want to do better. i like to try to prove to The Mr. that i can find something too. sometimes, it works in my favor. sometimes, he shows me up. (ok, that happens a lot)

here are 2 recent examples:

i had asked The Mr. what show it was where the dad died while eating an ice cream cone. he was astounded at that absurdity & maintained he never saw that show, because he'd have remembered. i had some vague notion that some "supposedly hot" guy was in the show... like zack from saved by the bell or something like that. i thought it was from some cheesy show that we had sorta watched together, like the old 90210 or something. but i was pretty sure it wasn't a show that i watched with any regularity. that was about all i knew.

i was bound & determined to find out for myself.

and I DID. i probably had to ask google in about 3 different ways, and click on maybe 5 links to get the right answer.

YAY. success! i shared w/ him what i learned (dawson's creek)

and a little while later, he wanted to challenge himself. having only going on what i told him [guy dies, dropped ice cream, car wreck]- he picked variations of a logical search & his first result was the answer. seriously.

having spelled all that out, it seems ridiculous that i'm even posting about this. it seems so obvious how to search for that. but when you are searching based on a vague memory, it's quite different.

this happens often. it's quite frustrating.

so imagine my smugness when i was finally able to do something myself:

i had a picture of something in my head. that's it. of "Clemson". an old stuffed animal pillow i had in the early 80s. that's it. just a random tiger pillow. i googled some terms (ok i will admit- The Mr. suggested the term "vintage" which i believe helped tremendously).

first result was someone's etsy shop. i've never been to etsy, know very little about it. but i clicked it anyway. AND THERE HE WAS. in all his glory.

& just as i was shouting a woo-hoo, The Mr. was about to say "well that can't be it".

finally! i was a googler. tho' i still needed his help.....

i'll get it one day.
or maybe i should stop trying to google randomass memories.

so, what about you?

how do you fare in the googling department?

should've named her whiny

2009-04-23T10:46:00.004-04:00

little bean is 9mos old now. how in the hell did that happen? and more importantly, when will it stop??

i've read in some books/emails- (you know the ones that all new moms read and then panic about because their baby is doing something waaay different)- that it's usually around this age that your baby may choose a lovey.
...please tell me you understand me when i say "lovey". The Mr. had never heard that term before, and for the life of me i can't think of another word for it- except for the clinical transitional object.

i'm a pretty idiotic new mom. i've wondered about little bean's lovey for about 6mos now. i wonder how it gets chosen. i wonder if i'm s'posed to just make her love something she likes to keep with her when she's needing comfort. & if so- which do i choose? i think i read somewhere that it usually just happens b/c baby will pick up on one of the objects you may leave in the crib. but i've read in lots of places that objects shouldn't be left in cribs. soooo you see i'm perplexed.
(and stupid. yeah that).

LB's at the stage that she just wants to eat everything we give her anyway. there's no favorites here. if it feels good in her mouth at the time, then great. but before long she gets inexplicably frustrated and tries to literally rip it apart w/ both hands. she flails it aside. only to grab it again and stick her big mouth and 2 bottom teeth on some random piece. begin again.

she has eaten: her rabbit, her lamb, my curious george (both large & small), a tiny soft monkey book, a remote, a soft block, a nerf ball, any of the pieces to her stacking toy, any book we give her, any toy in the basket, oh yeah- the basket itself.
she will put just about anything in her mouth. except for teething rings. not a big fan- especially if they're cold. (what about those damn books again?)

well, i've been thinking about loveys & i have some stories to tell.
i vividly remember one christmas i got a new doll for christmas. it wasn't just any doll. it was a Drowsy doll. incidentally, one of my sisters had also gotten this doll way back when she was a littly, too. so i guess Drowsy made the rounds in my family. which makes me wonder- how could they stand it?? not once but twice!!

if you clicked on the picture link above, mine was the pink one at the bottom. and wow. with adult eyes, i say: does she look stoned to you? i'm guessing they did their best at making her appear *ahem* drowsy. thus the name.

she was made back in the dark ages (i guess began in the 60s. i received her in the late 70s). back when nobody cared about children and endangerment and all the cool toys had pull strings.
so you pull on Drowsy's string and she would call out some phrases that i can hear in my head even now. the site mentions them as well. i remember only 2:
i want a drink of water & mommy, kiss me goodnight.

but to hear her tell it? a little different.

how about: iii waaant a driink of waaaaaatterrrrrrr. & mommmmy, kiss me good niiiiiight.
her tone and inflection is still etched in my memory. i repeat it sometimes for The Mr. when i want to be particularly annoying. even as a kid, tho' i loved her, i did realize she was a bit whiny.

i cannot believe this doll survived in my house thru karen and then me.
hmm, thinking that thought "on paper" makes me realize i don't have her in my memories for very long. ya know, i bet one of my brothers probably ended up stealing her or something.

oh i would kill to hear her voice now. to see how off target i really am.
maybe i should get one for little bean. The Mr. would love it!
of course, she'd probably choke on the string.

easter is for chocolate

2009-04-16T15:44:00.005-04:00

easter has come & gone. little bean's first one. and since she's still so young, The Mr. & i didn't feel the need to hypocrisize this year. (can i make up that word?)

i was talking to a friend of mine who asked me if i had gotten the bean an easter dress. i may have even chuckled a little when i said "no". it's not that the idea of having an easter dress is preposterous. but we weren't even considering taking her to church. and if not, well, then why get the dress?

christmas was concentrated on the Santa. easter on the basket. (which should've been filled with candy- but she's 9months old, so we'll wait on that. along with dyeing eggs & hiding them...)

i knew that the first time we take this unpredictable baby out to church should not have been the day when all catholics come out of the woodwork. growing up, that day was always standing-room-only!
i know before too long, The Mr. & i will be setting a good example. taking her to church, eating vegetables, speaking more kindly, etc...

christmas is obviously a big holiday in the christian world. but it wasn't ever just about that for me. maybe because i still believe in Santa. i understand it's about the giving & the spirit of christmas. i understand the hidden meanings that aren't about Jesus/religion per se, but about goodness & cheer. to me, there's more to celebrate than just Jesus being born.

but easter has always been a confusing holiday for me. it's pretty much the day that culminates everything a catholic believes. we even 'believe' that when we take communion that it is not a symbol of Christ, but a miracle of Him in itself. well, in order to have that, He would've had to die (& then rise again).

i never knew why the egg was chosen to center all activities. or had such a great feeling about the Easter Bunny as i do with Santa. but i always enjoyed it. & i will enjoy it again next year. this year, however, we laid low. she wore a onesie outfit w/ a bunny bib. she had an easter basket from the bunny filled with books & gerber graduates, plus a toy. gramma & grampa gave her a basket with some of the same types of things. we enjoyed spending time together & watching her be able to interact differently than at christmas.

but nowhere did Jesus come into play.
for that i know i'm failing...
i'll fake it later.

...and here comes April

2009-03-31T14:19:00.003-04:00

really? is it march already? how can that be, i just posted a few days ago, and that was in late february. oh wait--- march is essentially over now? hmmmm

so, as you can tell, i haven't written in awhile.
i post on Little Bean's blog about weekly. mainly because it's the only way i can let her only grandparents stay in the loop about things.

this blog is not for family. and truthfully, i just don't have a lot going on that you'd be interested to know. sad but true fact: my life is basically wrapped in her life, and you can read about that at her blog if you so choose.

i think i may just start posting random stories & such just so i can keep up the blog.
maybe one day i'll have my own thoughts/identity...
i've requested before: don't give up on me.
thanks for coming by!

oh, and if you feel like jogging my thoughts at all, feel free to share a thought or ask a question or something.

sweet memory for someone else

2009-02-25T10:19:00.008-05:00

a while back, i wrote that i had never flown a kite. very soon after that, i mentioned that The Mr. (how cool is he!?) bought me a kite for my birthday.

and i haven't spoken a word about the kite since.

i'm only bringing it up now because last week, when i was taking littlegirl for a walk down the street, 2 little kids (prob'ly 3 yrs old) were playing in their yard with their dads. one of the dads was trying to wind the string on a Dora kite they were about to launch. the little girl yelled at me so giddily that this is her kite. & that's Dora! (in case i didn't know). the little boy promptly had to tell me that his kite was Thomas. you know, lest i think he was into Dora. plus, for whatever reason, he didn't have his there. so i needed to know that he, too, had a kite he was super proud of.

it looked like such a sweet memory. if the children won't remember then i bet the fathers will. it's probably not one of the memories they will be sure to pass along & talk about every so often. it's one of the memories that you just tuck into your brain. it gets buried beneath the checklist of all the things you need to do that day/week/month. it gets buried beneath the important memories of wedding days and those babies being born. but it's tucked in safe & snug. being a part of the million tiny day-to-day memories you create to remind yourself of being happy.

of course, it made me feel nostalgic. wait- can you feel nostalgic of something that's never happened to you? can you feel nostalgic of something that may happen in the future? ok, i guess it made me feel wistful. i just know that littlegirl will likely have a memory such as that one, and hopefully many more. i know The Mr. & i will try to enjoy these "normal" days of childhood with her. i'm sure we will both have fun ourselves as we watch her explore her world. with a kite, on a bike, in a park---wherever. & hopefully she can create memories that she can share in the future.

so, whatever happened to my kite? such a pretty aqua-marine-blue w/ a gorgeous magenta tail?
sadly, we never flew it. to The Mr.'s credit, he tried.
but if you've read the post about when we rode bikes together, then you know he had his work cut out for him.
in my defense, i was actually pregnant when we took it out one windy saturday afternoon.
so we can blame the hormones. (the one time i think the hormones affected me just so)

for whatever reason i got upset b/c he saw a perfectly good windy day, spent the time in the backyard putting the kite together, and wanted to show me how to get it off the ground.
it just didn't work out. but i still have the kite. it's collecting dust. maybe this spring would be a great time for us to spark a memory.

for me.

vividity

2009-01-30T11:37:00.004-05:00

how do you dream?

i am a dreamer that can watch the dream as a movie; they are so very vivid.
The Mr. has said before that my dreams are epic. if i go to explain one, he thinks i'm done & i keep going (and going and going).
i feel as tho i dream a dream that can last all night sometimes. i know from Psych class that REM isn't really like that. but surely i dream longer than the few minutes allotted.

unfortunately, this vividity can really haunt me. i can see, hear, & feel in most of them. & many of them leave impressions that run so deep, i remember them years later. i vividly remember dreams i had when i was around 3 or 4 years old. which isn't always a good thing because a lot of what i dream is disturbing.

and last night i think it's safe to say i had probably THE most disturbing dream ever. (and that "honor" is hard to come by!!). it disgusts me to no end to still feel part of the feelings that went with it. it was just horrible. *shudder*
it really is the craziest thing- what i dream & how real it seems at the time.

like everyone else, i'm sure- i dream very odd things (even last night's was quite odd)... things that don't make sense; for instance: 2 people meshed into one. ever do that?? oh, and the ones that got me into trouble in college- where i dreamt that i did all the things to get ready & went to class & sat thru class. only to be woken up by the phone b/c i actually slept thru all of it. that was a pain in the ass.

the ones i seem to remember are the ones that are bad. i do dream happy dreams; i'm sure of it. but those either aren't as vivid, or for whatever reason get filed into the normal part of the brain where you don't remember jackity-crap.

my mom used to insist she never dreamed. ever.
The Mr. doesn't dream too often, that he remembers. but he has been known to have recurring dreams. i don't normally have that. but lately, i have dreamt that when one of LittleBean's teeth come in, they all do. which is kinda funny, b/c The Mr.'s recurring dream involves teeth as well.

i don't fly/float very often. but i do remember 2 dreams from my childhood where i did. i can still conjure up that sensation of hovering in my old house. bizarre.

so- how do you dream??

Bonus! 50% more FREE

2009-01-22T15:24:00.007-05:00

here, i give you TWO posts for the price of ONE...

#1: oh no, don't be a pattern!:
i just mentioned that we gave Little Bean her first taste of food on my other blog.
well, i've been mixing my milk with the rice cereal. only after yesterday's good feeding, i didn't have any more saved. and i forgot to defrost some i had in the freezer.
so i decided to mix her cereal with some formula that i had gotten from a doctor** (see post #2)
the formula is liquid, so there was no extra mixing. this would be her very first taste of formula. and maybe she doesn't like it so much?

she's been eating very well. but today- 2 bites and lots of tears. i gave her a few bites through the crying; but ultimately i just threw it all out.
sooooo i guess i failed at one of the first parenting taboos: picky eating.
it didn't even dawn on me to be all "this is what i made & that's what you get". maybe it's because she can't understand crap right now. or b/c feeding itself is all so new, i don't want to force it on her.
or maybe it's because i'm beginning a pattern?
since before i even got pregnant, i worried about the baby with food.
again, i'm being hypocritical. & i hate that.

but me?? The Pickiest Eater Alive?? how am i going to instill good eating habits to my impressionable baby? just the other day, The Mr. & i remarked how soon enough, we're going to actually have to start eating---vegetables--- *shudder*.
hmmmm, i should have eaten them while i was pregnant. & now while i'm nursing. if those 2 reasons aren't good enough, how will i begin to do this correctly???

i used to go to bed all the time w/o dinner. i was a master at moving food around (and sometimes even in the toilet). i cried through many a dinner, eating one bean from inside the string bean at a time. i learned how to swallow corn whole (one at a time) b/c i couldn't stand biting into it and feeling the squish. how many times did i actually gag b/c i had to try a bite of something (cauliflower comes to mind. and beets). i remember having oatmeal for dinner some nights when i was very young. or even better- scrambled eggs in the microwave.
there were some things my mom would keep out for me.... like spaghetti. (mine's just butter. no sauce)

so- how in the world am i -me- ms. "does popcorn count as a vegetable?"-going to be a good example for this little girl???
oh my!

BONUS post #2:
why in the hell would a doctor give me formula for my baby when she knows i'm breastfeeding???
conversation went something like this at her 1month appt:
---um, she's a very fussy baby. won't nap. needs to be held. all. the. time. screams and cries like you wouldn't believe. still a little gassy. we give her drops before feeding. maybe helping.
dr: how's nursing?
me: oh, it's just fine. she latches well & takes it very well.
dr takes my baby & goes to somewhere w/o me & comes back in w/ a bottle of formula.
dr says: just try this for me.
me: ok, why?
dr: just experiment.
me: experiment with what?
dr: this kind is easily digested.
me: isn't breastmilk easily digested??
dr: yes. just try it. humor me. just to see....
me: what is it we're experimenting? what is it you want me to notice & be on the lookout for???
dr: **** silence **** just try it.

ummmmmm??
ok. soooo i have requested a different doctor in the practice ever since.
and at that first visit (2months), she suggested LB may have "silent reflux". we began to give her baby zantac. & coincidentally, things seemed to have gotten better.

oh, and by the way...i'm not one of those anti-formula people. i am not planning on nursing her till she's 20. i would have given it a try- had she given me any answer as to what she thought it was supposed to help with. but with no reasoning behind it, i felt no need to stop what i was doing.
plus LB doesn't take a bottle, so i can imagine how hard that would've been anyway!

vocab lesson

2009-01-19T10:48:00.004-05:00

when i was younger, i moved to Selma, Alabama. about the only reason why you'd have ever heard of it is because of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s march from Selma to Montgomery, via the Edmund Pettus Bridge.

we moved when i was in third grade (and stayed till i finished 7th). it was such a different place than Columbia, SC where i grew up. selma was much smaller. and the population was (is) predominantly black.

i wouldn't go so far as to say that i'd never seen black people before, but i don't remember interacting with any prior to my years in selma. so i consider myself lucky for having lived there. otherwise who knows how skewed my view of the world would have been.
incidentally, after we left selma, we moved back to columbia, and i was in middle school. by that point it wasn't as white as i had remembered my years before.

i remember getting an interesting lesson in vocab from my 7th grade math teacher.
i wish i clearly remembered all of the circumstances surrounding it, because it does sound odd...
we were in class & it was time for yearbook pictures. i'm guessing there was a club that needed to meet for pictures. but what i remember him saying was "minorities needed to leave to take pictures" i couldn't have been more puzzled because i hadn't ever heard the term "minority" in reference to race. (and i can't imagine there'd be a "minority club" ??) i do remember being confused because i looked around my classroom, and it was me that was in the minority. i think i even may have stood up before he explained it to me.

i do believe that the bizarre term "minority" is in reference to quantity & certainly not quality. so it was a strange place to have heard it first.

nothing to see here

2009-01-03T12:00:00.004-05:00

i have a ton of things swirling around in my head. i wish i could open it up & let it all come out. i hate that i haven't posted very well since becoming a mom.

sometimes i come up w/ a post, but don't write it b/c i lack time & energy in making it sound comprehendable, much less somewhat interesting. sometimes i think i shouldn't complain so much on the blog so i don't write. sometimes i know i shouldn't post what i'm really thinking.

and most times i come up w/ a post- like last night in bed- and i when i go to write it, it's drivel (like this).

it's partly because i didn't want this blog to turn into a blog about the baby. occasionally, fine... but now i see i have no other identity. which i knew would happen to an extent. & i'm fine with it overall. it's just when i want to seem interesting that i realize i have nothing to say if not talking about little bean. other than- gee the weather's awfully foggy today. & oh crap, clemson lost the bowl game.

& if i go to write about something i had planned before baby came along, i realize that's not what i'm thinking/feeling at the moment, so all creativity & energy just leaves it sitting there like the lump that it is.

hopefully i'll get out of this slump very soon.
thanks for stopping by.
i hope 09 is good to us all.

let's talk TiVo

2008-11-21T14:57:00.007-05:00

does anybody else out there know that TiVo records itself? i find that hilarious. one of the main benefits of TiVo is to zip through the commercials. but TiVo is so smart, it records commercials of itself. that's a little narcissistic, no? best part is, if you don't catch it in the act, you may not know it. b/c normally it doesn't show up in your queue. The Mr. discovered this while coming downstairs one morning at like 4am & noticing the red light lit up.

recently, however, there was a glitch & it was in our "now playing list" so we watched it. and we now know about benefits of owning a TiVo. (like zipping through commercials & recording dorky shows to have something to watch later weren't enough??)

yes. i realize how much TiVo has a hold over me.
we've had it for 2 years. we debated buying it for probably 2 years before that. it was a birthday present to me from The Mr. & now i can't imagine life w/o it.

soon after we got it, i found myself in the car trying to control the radio much like i do the tv... hey- i only caught a snippit of that funny joke. let me rewind-oops. can't. i like this song. let me pause it to continue this conversation- oops. can't. yes, Tom Shane. i know we "have a friend in the diamond business"... FF please! -oops. can't

i admit there were even a time or two that i wanted to TiVo a live conversation.
guess you could say i was an addict. (or a dork).

but now, more than ever, i want to use my own personal TiVo controller- or a MeVo- to capture moments with LittleBean.
MeVo would let me:

FF through the screaming and get right down to the naptime, please.
pause naptime... b/c 45 minutes is not a whole episode thankyouverymuch.
turn the volume up on those chuckles that happen. also with the coos.
hit mute for those times in the car & she realizes that -hey! we're in the car!
rewind that smile. again. again. again.
get a seasonpass to all those moments that melt my heart (like when i go get her from a nap & she smiles at me ear-to-ear, or when i hold her and she puts her head on my shoulder) while i'm at it, i'll watch in super-slo-mo.
record such moments & burn them to a dvd to watch when LB will not be smiling at me so much (ages 7-18, i presume).

i know what i'm asking santa for this christmas.

note to self

2008-10-29T23:10:00.003-04:00

having a daughter sleep through the night is a good (and apparently rare) thing.
having The Mr. work from home can be a good thing.
holding & caressing your daughter while you feed her is one thing you envisioned and is a good thing.
knowing that just a tiny bit of your life hasn't changed (8pm on...) is a good thing.

don't take it for granted. you'll miss this one day!

hypocritical oath

2008-10-19T20:46:00.003-04:00

recently we had the littlebean baptized.

this is one of the occasions in motherhood i knew for certain that we would be partaking in.
but, unlike the hippocratic oath that doctors take partaining to ethics in their field, i feel quite conflicted due to this hypocritical oath that i took promising to teach my child about jesus & the catholic church.

how ironic is it that i am the only one (of 13) in my family to date & then marry a "catholic". so this shoulda been quite simple.
however, things change, and i guess we're not near as catholic as we used to be. that's why i'm 30something having my first child.
ohmigod, i think my mom had 10 at this age!

since i don't make any official standings in what i believe or don't believe, what i do know is this: nothing!
i don't really think about it a lot b/c it's just too heavy/too much/too muddled. and i just don't feel comfortable having the bean grow up without any religion at all.

i have to start somewhere.
let the hypocrisy begin....

a poll on human nature- take two

2008-10-14T23:55:00.004-04:00

earlier, i'd asked for your thoughts. it seems as though i was too vague. i would like to clarify what i meant.

this has come up soooo very often in our relationship.
let's remind ourselves that i rarely fuss about The Mr. on my blog. & he has the endearing monaker: best husband of bunko. see here, here, & here.

however, i have been guilty of needing affirmation. i'm sure we've all been guilty of saying: i'm a bad mom....or....i don't feel attractive. & there have been countless other statements i've made wanting some response.(not all of the "am i pretty enough" variety) but how 'bout this number, taken from actual conversation tonight:

me: i'm worried about her dr. appt tomorrow

him: why? what did you read in that book just now? [AAP's Caring for your Child from birth to age 5]

me: i pointed out 3 things i have some concern about, that i'm not in the mood to discuss right now b/c it's probably nothing.... but enough that i've been concerned.

him: ..........................rolled over.

SERIOUSLY.

in these times of needing affirmation, is it human nature to:
----ignore statement?
----confirm/negate statement?

because i'm really wanting to know!

my first meme

2008-10-10T21:11:00.003-04:00

i was tagged by Pregnantly Plump to do a 7 random things about me meme.
i'm of course s'posed to pass it on, but i don't have anyone to tag. soooooo--- if you'd like to share some randomness with me, i'd love to find out 'boutcha.

a year ago, i did my first thursday13 and gave some facts about myself.
here's a little bit more of my randomness:

i sucked my thumb till i was 7. that was my first bad habit. my sis did everything she could to get me to stop, including whacking me w/ a curtain rod. didn't work. did i say i was SEVEN????
i was unable to get braces for my overbite. when i was in college, i looked into it before my insurance ended w/ my parents. however, turns out my lower jaw is too small or something. in order for braces to work, they were going to have to break my jaw & wire it shut for SIX WEEKS. nevermind i wouldn't've enjoyed that torture, i was about to student teach. obv not an option.
i used to have great posture. especially while eating. didja catch that i said "used to"?
The Mr.'s parents complimented my posture. as well as a random waiter one time. i have this random 'curse' that if i've received compliments for something, that particular "talent" comes to a halt. it all goes awry. never understood that about me. my singing voice, my handwriting, my hair, my hands... none of that is compliment-worthy anymore. ???
my 2nd bad habit: i was a horrible nail biter. constantly. i had pretty nails 4x in my life. 2 of those times were fake. the first time i grew them out was for my wedding 6 yrs ago. and i stopped biting them after i got pregnant. once they got strong, i never wanted to bite them again.
my first boyfriend was in 8th grade to a guy whose cousin i knew in selma, al in the 7th grade. (small world)
my first date was in 9th grade & we were together for 2mos,2wks & 2 days.

ummmmmm, i promise- i'm not nearly as pathetic as i sound!

taking a poll on human nature

2008-10-05T22:54:00.003-04:00

i'd like your opinion. no, really.
this little bit of dissention seems to come up a little too often over here, and i thought i'd ask all of you to tell me your thoughts.

aaaahhhhh, nothing like hashing out marital issues over the internet.

i have just one question for you.
when someone is making a statement (particularly as it relates to some idea or feeling this person has), is it human nature to:

ignore it?
confirm/negate it?

thanks for your help. i'm interested to see the responses.

status symbol?

2008-09-22T21:41:00.005-04:00

in catching up on some of my blog reading, i came across this one about feminism from pregnantly plump. [for some reason, i can't get the link to pull up; my apologies. it's titled: setting back feminism from aug. 31st] which prompted me to decide to write about this:

the other day, i was talking to a friend who called to see if she could come over to meet the bean. while we were talking & catching up, she had asked when i was returning to work. when i mentioned that i wasn't, she said something puzzling.

to be fair, i'm not saying this is her view, or if she truly just "heard" about this---she may've tried to be subtle, but i really couldn't tell. all i know is i've heard about the "feminism debate"; but i hadn't heard this take:

apparently, being a stay-at-home-mom is supposedly some new status symbol. when i asked what she meant, thinking she'd say that it's looked upon as a "noble" choice or "toughest job ever" & all that jazz, i was taken aback at the answer. apparently this status symbol is for The Mr. & how it says a lot that the husband can make so much money that a wife can stay home.

i ask you now: wtf??

ummm, let's re-word that.
how bout it says a lot that a couple can plan and prepare for years to make this choice b/c it's how they view themselves as raising a baby.
let's try: it's a status symbol that 2 working adults can sock away some money if needed in the future.
how bout it measures how smart they are for planning ahead in order to realize the idea.
how bout it says a lot that people will make sacrifices by scrimping when they go from 2 salaries to 1 if it's important to them.

now if i tell you that i am staying home & the maid comes every wednesday, except whilst we're in our vacation home in fiji--- wellthen!

the b*ching is over --- for now

2008-09-19T14:27:00.004-04:00

i wanted to write about something i'm likely not to whine about. excuse my posts as of late.

i recently caught up on some blogs, & came across swistle's post about her son's musical instrument choice. & i say: YAY!

i also played clarinet growing up, & it was the best thing i could've ever done. i was very anti-athletic. i've often wondered which came first: my apparent lack of athleticism, or the apparent lack of opportunity for athleticism. i'd never enrolled in soccer, softball, t-ball or whatever. why??? to this day i throw like a girl. & i catch like a baby. i wonder if i could've had these skills had my parents given me the opportunity.

anyway- apparently the thing to do in lil' ol' selma, al was to join the band. all my friends were in it. the popular kids. everyone. i liked the 6 week stint i had in the 6th grade. (very clever of them to have us try out each elective...)

i didn't really know what i wanted to play. i had a friend who played flute. and 1 who played clarinet. since my parents were able to get a used clarinet from my brother-in-law's brother, that's what i got. and i loved it!

so in 7th grade, i started practicing quite horribly. i learned how to finger the notes from my friend amy. i mottled thru whatever was given. but i enjoyed it. it's something you can do on your own & at the same time add to a group.

i enjoyed my first band director: gerald buford. (wonder where he is these days?)
he was funny & a lot of fun. god, what a saint. i bet he secretly had earplugs fitted so we couldn't see them. can you imagine being a band director during the first year we all learned to play??

i know it drove my parents crazy. and i was just one lousy instrumentalist.

however, i'm very proud of my clarinet days. & i defend my "band geek" status. i was only called that by my family anyway. ('cept now The Mr. likes to get in on it).
i made tons 'o friends, learned a new skill, traveled all over & did something with time. i can't imagine if i did nothing. & i got pretty good at it, too.

i didn't play in college. i actually had a freak accident that hindered my ability to play for a while. but a few years ago, i tried to pick it up again & took some lessons to remind myself. but it's not like i was going to have the time & willingness to get really good at it, since there's no way for me to be involved with it. so i stopped.

it's on display in my bedroom along w/ my favorite sheet music for my favorite song: chorale prelude in e flat.

so for our wedding, we had a quartet play as well as for the cocktail hour (that we didn't get to hear). and this weekend, when the twins down the street asked us to support their band fundraiser, i said OF COURSE. when i heard they both played clarinet, well- i just beamed with pride! ok. maybe not. but still.

i miss it. sometimes i think about picking it up again. i kept meaning to play for the little bean when i was pregnant. i wonder what she'd do if i play it for her now. maybe i'll find out. and if the little bean wants to get in on this game, i'll totally defend her band geek status as well!

rehab

2008-09-06T22:34:00.004-04:00

isn't rehab typically a 60 day program? well, if so, then consider me rehabilitated.
not that i had very many intentions to the contrary beforehand, but my kid breeding days are over!

i have been a mom for 60 days now.
that's 1,440 hours.
since she's only successfully taken the bottle ONCE, that's over 700 feedings that i have been solely responsible for. grant it, the bottle came from me, so i guess i've been solely responsible for all of them. still. give my boobs a break!
i estimate we have changed over 650 diapers. since she cries all the time she's not held, her most violent cries always end up with the need for a diaper change. sometimes 2.
i estimate that i have held her for 250 hours myself. that probably doesn't count for the countless hours The Mr. holds her when he comes home. of course, if you add up all the feeding time, i've held her way more than that!
of the 86,400 minutes we've been together--- i bet she has cried for 80,000 of them! okay. that is an exaggeration. but ohmigod!

so, you can see that my views weren't unfounded when i wrote about them here.

thanks in advance for the comments that will undoubtedly say: "it will get better"... but i've heard it before. i have lots of fears about what her behavior means/is doing to her. i know it will still be hard. different. but hard.
since i was little, i'd always joked that i'm gonna marry rich so my kid can go to boarding school from 7-18. only, boy--- maybe it wasn't much of a joke.

i fear teenagers. and now that i have a girl- yikes!

i'm sure there will be more posts on the pleasure of being a mom on here, since i can't vent on my other blog...
but i guess they'll have to wait till i can think with any clarity.

bring on day 61.

order more bonbons

2008-08-19T13:07:00.004-04:00

i am officially a stay-at-home mom now.
i put in my notice w/ work just a bit ago.

man. i wanted that job so badly. i felt it was perfect for me.

after a rough start, once all the Relays got underway, i got more excited about the job and would've looked forward to next year when i'd know a little more.

what a difference a year makes!

interesting that i was literally pregnant every minute i ever worked for the American Cancer Society...
so now, i am no longer identified as a teacher, or an ACS community manager. now i guess i have new initials: SAHM.
wow. that's kinda weird.

at least for now. i do plan to go back to teaching in a few years... prob'ly around the time littlebean gets to be lots of fun. great timing!

so- i have a new job to learn. and from my last post, you can see it will be as challenging as any other!

things they don't tell you

2008-08-15T11:05:00.005-04:00

now that the little bean is 5+ weeks old, The Mr. and I have discovered that they don't tell you everything. they also like to tell you how everything will be easier... in a few months.

yes, guys. what's a few months when it comes to your sanity?

we have a fussy baby on our hands. that's not quite what we ordered; especially since we never got to recover from the horror that was called labor.

i've been saying over at the other blog how things haven't been at all what we've expected... guess i shouldn't be surprised here.

we knew babies cried. for no reason.

we also knew some babies cried a lot. for no reason.

we did not know that this baby would cry almost non-stop for the better part of a whole day. truthfully, they are right: it is getting better.

but the trade off is holding her and rocking,walking,dancing,swaying,bouncing,jostling all the time.

do not sit down and give your aching arms/back/neck a break. this cute little porker weighs ~12lbs!! oh, & do not think for a minute that she is truly asleep. for when you put her down, all hell breaks loose and you have to begin the cycle all over again!

she's quiet when she's eating. there's that. oh yeah, only sometimes she's not.

she squirms and pushes and shoves and throws her hands all over, interfering w/ eating. i never thought a newborn would play w/ her food at this early age!

i also never thought a newborn would be nearly as active as she is.... they don't really tell you that your baby may not like to be swaddled. therefore, if she sleeps on her back, she wakes herself up. immediately. and LOUDLY.

so, don't tell the AAP, but she sleeps on her stomach. and already is learning the beginnings of how to crawl she's so active.

they don't mention the fact that she can & will scream so loudly and forcefully she loses her voice & breath. they also don't mention how to get through that part.

they do tell you to try the swing. the bouncy seat. the dryer. the car.

none work at relaxing a sleepy baby. tho' the bouncy seat can keep her occupied long enough to scarf down some food (usually).

they like to mention that "every baby is different". that's the cover for: we-don't-know-what-the-hell-to-tell-you. and: thank-god-my-kid-was-an-angel.

all the books like to tell you that it's very, very important that your newborn gets enough rest in order to develop well. they don't tell you what to do w/ an overtired baby that doesn't know how to go from wake to sleep w/o lots of effort... it takes about the same amount of coddling until the next feed cycle starts.

god, it's a good thing she's cute!

surprising pregnancy symptoms

2008-07-04T12:39:00.004-04:00

i started reading & then writing my blog due to my research in blogs about pregnancy. this was before we decided to be pregnant, and i wanted to find an honest look about pregnancy.
so i found pregnantly plump. & then others.... so- if anyone out there stumbled upon this post about pregnancy, you may read it at the little bean's blog.

great parenting

2008-07-02T10:25:00.003-04:00

don't get me wrong. i had a great mom!!! i miss her dearly. especially these days when i'm about to become one.
of course i have no idea what i'm facing w/ a 1day old, much less a 6 year old.
but somehow, i think this actual conversation might should've gone a different way:

me- Laur? how do you get puppies?
L- same way you get people.
(blink, blink) how do you get people?
um... do you know what a boy has?
yes??
know what a girl has?
(fear sets in) yes
???well,???
(terror).....they touch???
yes.
NUH-UH, LAUR. YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO BE NASTY!!!! i'm telling!!! mommy and daddy wouldn't do that. MEG wouldn't do that!!!
................... mom comes to do laundry. it's probly 10 at night.
L- no i'm not. ask mom.
mom- ask mom what??
L- mom, tell m how you get a baby.
...............(silence ensues).................................
mom- shuttup and get to sleep!

out of touch

2008-05-31T23:33:00.004-04:00

*whew! my relays are over. that's been nice. it seemed to be timed fairly well b/c now i'm so very zapped. and uncomfortable at times. i'm glad i am not staying up all night for work.

however, i'm still so out of touch w/ what i should be doing---- excercise, anyone? ha! can't even walk a flight of stairs, much less 1/4 of my n'hood. how bout them veggies? yeah. how bout 'em??
god it's a miracle little bean is thriving!

but it's not just me that's been out of touch.
my darling The Mr. has been as well... he left last week for a 2 week stint in maastricht, holland on business. & this time he's been fortunate to go w/ a co-worker friend of his. they're living it up.
he thinks i'm mad at him b/c he's out everynight. actually, he doesn't even understand that w/ the 6 hour time difference, it's difficult to have a conversation w/ him if he gets home at midnight!! every. single. night.
he has been working soooo incredibly hard! this project has got him zapped as well. but he's doing great at it! he's like a one-man show!!! & they all know it. (and work him death b/c of it). so i understand he needs his downtime. b/c on the weekends, he's taking care of house chores and lawn and pool and the "kittens".

but he just hasn't realized that i'm over here. about 8 months pregnant. missing The Mr. and NOT having the time of my life. I AM the one who loves to travel. it's me that wants to soak up everything he's doing. not b/c i'm going to fight with him.... but b/c i've never experienced holland before!!!

doesn't help that he doesn't have cell coverage, so we can't talk just any ol' time. basically, i'm on his time. and that's usually a rather quick i-m since it's so late.
i'll leave him daily emails to catch him up on his life back home, or things i'm doing..... but that's no fun compared to the fun he's been having.

so, we're very much out of touch right now.
& that breaks my heart.... b/c we're losing precious time together as it is......

bizzy-bizzy-bizzzzy

2008-05-06T17:48:00.003-04:00

as for the title--- that is on a cartoon xmas show i can't place right now.

really?
it's been more than a month since i've posted?
ummmmmmm...... if anyone's been reading Little Bean's blog, you probably realize the silence is due to too much busy. (yeah, yeah.... wait till LB is born)

what's worse is that so much time has flown by. I haven't gotten to check the blogs I read. i don't even have time to read the pregnancy books i'd like to.

but Relays are going pretty well.

i can't believe how quickly the time has flown. just like anything else. i remember the school years where it seems like only yesterday and a million years ago that the first day of school was here.
now, i can say the same for watching my growing belly.

the worst part is not just that i'm busy- but that zaps out any sense of creativity.
it's not easy to come up w/ a blog post when your days are completely filled & those that aren't are wiped out and left for just loafing on the couch!

you didn't come here to listen to me whine, i'm sure.
but i miss y'all.
not too much longer (???) and i guess i'll be dropping bon bons again.
yeah yeah--- like i'll have time to post THEN!
maybe if i get good at typing one-handed, i'll definitely have something to talk about.

maybe one of these days i can find a real topic and not complaints.
thanks for bearing w/ me for now...

say la v

2008-03-25T19:53:00.003-04:00

so much for them tigers. i also guess i shouldn'ta picked uconn to win the whole thing!

so, The Mr. & i have a little wager.
problem is: we can't come up w/ anything to wager. he already doesn't want much out of life; and he gives me anything i can want.

he wants me to get up w/ the "kittens" one morning, but he doesn't listen/understand that that is nothing i can actually control. i said i would if he nudged me, but he doesn't want that...

closest thing i can think is to give me a whole saturday w/o complaining.... if i want to go into the "big city, pa!" then we can. if i want to spend the whole morning in bed, we can.... but i know full well that he doesn't want these things, and likely i'll just say nevermind.
just like the Relay For Life yard sale i was going to have this weekend.
nevermind.

we suck.
ce la vie.

pick'ems

2008-03-21T20:09:00.003-04:00

The Mr. has a great name for the NCAA brackets. He calls them pick'ems.
For the first time at work, i was offered to pick some brackets. i couldn't really not, so i did. at last count i was up 15.

i spent this weekend watching the ACC tourney. and whaddya know? Clemson got in the finals for the first time since the 60s!!!! & beating Duke to get there? unbelievable!
(crazy weekend in atlanta, by the way---- a tornado? in downtown??? unbelievable!!!! good thing the SEC game went into overtime, otherwise thousands of people woulda been on the streets during that time)

also watched the UGA game (SEC) and they had to play twice in one day, and still became champs!!

so, i picked my brackets. don't really know too much. think i'm getting a little lucky. & i made The Mr. pick also... he knows about as much as i do. (we're probably tied by now). i wonder if that's why he's cranky??

so let's all root for the tigers, shall we???
but now i hear that in tampa, all the underdogs are winning.... let's hope clemson pulls through!!!

cross your fingers!

time flies

2008-03-19T19:00:00.003-04:00

i can't believe it's been so long since i've posted....
nothing's changing, sorry. i wrote a post called "who's your daddy" on the little bean's blog. guess that'll have to do. for those of you reading both of these- sorry!

i've just been a little preoccupied w/ my Relays & ever-growing belly!

it's been busy and when i'm not busy, i have no amazing thoughts to share.
i wonder if i'll EVER get to post #100!

time for dinner-
so long! hopefully i'll be back soon. Happy Easter!

...yet the gloating continues

2008-03-05T13:43:00.004-05:00

i know- i really should shuttup!
but yesterday, in the pouring down rain, i got in my car (don't you LOVE a garage) and there was our big umbrella on my front seat. who put that there? the umbrella fairy???

but the day got better when i got to work & checked my email. There was a note from Pregnantly Plump who *gasp* gave me my FIRST award ever!!
i'm so verklempt.

she gave me the good blog friend award. which means a lot to me; b/c she was the first blog i ever read! a loooong time ago, i went searching for (what i didn't realize were called mom blogs) for a blog that told me how this mother thing REALLY is...
i can't remember my search terms, but hers was the first i stumbled on.
she was pregnant (which was perfect for me; as this was over a year ago....i wanted to know it all goes) & i have since "watched" her little elvis grow to be a year old!

any "mom" blog i've ever read has been related to her in some way.... went to a few links she had. found some others i liked. went to their links and theirs and so on.

so, THANKS, preg- for letting me continue my gloating session!

----i know rules dictate i pass that award on to someone else, but truly, it would bounce right back to her. so check her out. little elvis is adorable. & they have lots of creative music videos!

& for anybody wondering, since she's a mom blog, i have linked her from littlebean's blog.

nobody likes a gloater

2008-03-02T10:15:00.002-05:00

so i'll keep it brief:
The Mr. constantly maintains his status as Best Husband of Bunko!

as very unusual for him (very).... he decided to bring me b'fast in bed before his run. he already brought the paper and laptop up to me when he heard me wake up and crawl back in bed.... which was appreciative enough.
then he brought up some breakfast for littlebean and me. yiminy even got to lick the plate of syrup when i was done w/ my waffle! doh even came up to see this contraption at the end of my bed (!!!!) that's extremely unusual.

t'was JUST what i needed b/c i intended to read and just couldn't get my eyes open this morning... lazybones!

i think he wants to take special care of me b/c it's taking me a LONG time to feel littlebean in any consistant manner! (which is starting to bug me)

i think i'll keep him.

mustalgia

2008-02-19T16:48:00.004-05:00

(myoos-taljuh)
i decided to invent a word.
it's a combination of music & nostalgia.

i've pretty much always known that music was such a big part of my memories... but i never coined a term for it. and i never gave it too much thought.

till now.

because i'm pregnant??

certain songs bring me back to my past. i know that's not unusual. my sis used to think my memory was crazy b/c of it (among other things) but, really, i know i'm not the only one who can say ........ oh that was 1983. it helps that the year ended in the grade i was in; thus 3rd grade

i vividly remember getting ready for school once when i heard "you dropped a bomb on me". i vividly remember singing "big ol' carolina" instead of steve miller's "jet airliner" also sang some other songs funny, or had memories tied to them.

however, i'm noticing now -more than ever- i crave old songs. (i'm even listening to the cheese station!!! the one where delilah comes on at night) i think it's b/c i'm having a littly soon. music is happy for me. and, boy, our littlebean will know some obscure music- especially for the peers!

i fully intend to buy some music from my old days- just so i can re-sing those songs to my baby. not b/c of any great or deep meaning. they weren't even necessarily my favorite; but i remember listening to the records over & over. i'm sure nobody here (all 2 of you) have ever heard of Music Machine or Bullfrogs & Butterflies but our kid will. for no reason other than that just brings me back!

i have been known to rip out "have patience" in my slow voice a time or 2. and i can't wait to remember the others!