vividity

how do you dream?

i am a dreamer that can watch the dream as a movie; they are so very vivid.
The Mr. has said before that my dreams are epic. if i go to explain one, he thinks i'm done & i keep going (and going and going).
i feel as tho i dream a dream that can last all night sometimes. i know from Psych class that REM isn't really like that. but surely i dream longer than the few minutes allotted.

unfortunately, this vividity can really haunt me. i can see, hear, & feel in most of them. & many of them leave impressions that run so deep, i remember them years later. i vividly remember dreams i had when i was around 3 or 4 years old. which isn't always a good thing because a lot of what i dream is disturbing.

and last night i think it's safe to say i had probably THE most disturbing dream ever. (and that "honor" is hard to come by!!). it disgusts me to no end to still feel part of the feelings that went with it. it was just horrible. *shudder*
it really is the craziest thing- what i dream & how real it seems at the time.

like everyone else, i'm sure- i dream very odd things (even last night's was quite odd)... things that don't make sense; for instance: 2 people meshed into one. ever do that?? oh, and the ones that got me into trouble in college- where i dreamt that i did all the things to get ready & went to class & sat thru class. only to be woken up by the phone b/c i actually slept thru all of it. that was a pain in the ass.

the ones i seem to remember are the ones that are bad. i do dream happy dreams; i'm sure of it. but those either aren't as vivid, or for whatever reason get filed into the normal part of the brain where you don't remember jackity-crap.

my mom used to insist she never dreamed. ever.
The Mr. doesn't dream too often, that he remembers. but he has been known to have recurring dreams. i don't normally have that. but lately, i have dreamt that when one of LittleBean's teeth come in, they all do. which is kinda funny, b/c The Mr.'s recurring dream involves teeth as well.

i don't fly/float very often. but i do remember 2 dreams from my childhood where i did. i can still conjure up that sensation of hovering in my old house. bizarre.

so- how do you dream??

Bonus! 50% more FREE

here, i give you TWO posts for the price of ONE...

#1: oh no, don't be a pattern!:
i just mentioned that we gave Little Bean her first taste of food on my other blog.
well, i've been mixing my milk with the rice cereal. only after yesterday's good feeding, i didn't have any more saved. and i forgot to defrost some i had in the freezer.
so i decided to mix her cereal with some formula that i had gotten from a doctor** (see post #2)
the formula is liquid, so there was no extra mixing. this would be her very first taste of formula. and maybe she doesn't like it so much?

she's been eating very well. but today- 2 bites and lots of tears. i gave her a few bites through the crying; but ultimately i just threw it all out.
sooooo i guess i failed at one of the first parenting taboos: picky eating.
it didn't even dawn on me to be all "this is what i made & that's what you get". maybe it's because she can't understand crap right now. or b/c feeding itself is all so new, i don't want to force it on her.
or maybe it's because i'm beginning a pattern?
since before i even got pregnant, i worried about the baby with food.
again, i'm being hypocritical. & i hate that.

but me?? The Pickiest Eater Alive?? how am i going to instill good eating habits to my impressionable baby? just the other day, The Mr. & i remarked how soon enough, we're going to actually have to start eating---vegetables--- *shudder*.
hmmmm, i should have eaten them while i was pregnant. & now while i'm nursing. if those 2 reasons aren't good enough, how will i begin to do this correctly???

i used to go to bed all the time w/o dinner. i was a master at moving food around (and sometimes even in the toilet). i cried through many a dinner, eating one bean from inside the string bean at a time. i learned how to swallow corn whole (one at a time) b/c i couldn't stand biting into it and feeling the squish. how many times did i actually gag b/c i had to try a bite of something (cauliflower comes to mind. and beets). i remember having oatmeal for dinner some nights when i was very young. or even better- scrambled eggs in the microwave.
there were some things my mom would keep out for me.... like spaghetti. (mine's just butter. no sauce)

so- how in the world am i -me- ms. "does popcorn count as a vegetable?"-going to be a good example for this little girl???
oh my!

BONUS post #2:
why in the hell would a doctor give me formula for my baby when she knows i'm breastfeeding???
conversation went something like this at her 1month appt:
---um, she's a very fussy baby. won't nap. needs to be held. all. the. time. screams and cries like you wouldn't believe. still a little gassy. we give her drops before feeding. maybe helping.
dr: how's nursing?
me: oh, it's just fine. she latches well & takes it very well.
dr takes my baby & goes to somewhere w/o me & comes back in w/ a bottle of formula.
dr says: just try this for me.
me: ok, why?
dr: just experiment.
me: experiment with what?
dr: this kind is easily digested.
me: isn't breastmilk easily digested??
dr: yes. just try it. humor me. just to see....
me: what is it we're experimenting? what is it you want me to notice & be on the lookout for???
dr: **** silence **** just try it.

ummmmmm??
ok. soooo i have requested a different doctor in the practice ever since.
and at that first visit (2months), she suggested LB may have "silent reflux". we began to give her baby zantac. & coincidentally, things seemed to have gotten better.

oh, and by the way...i'm not one of those anti-formula people. i am not planning on nursing her till she's 20. i would have given it a try- had she given me any answer as to what she thought it was supposed to help with. but with no reasoning behind it, i felt no need to stop what i was doing.
plus LB doesn't take a bottle, so i can imagine how hard that would've been anyway!

vocab lesson

when i was younger, i moved to Selma, Alabama. about the only reason why you'd have ever heard of it is because of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s march from Selma to Montgomery, via the Edmund Pettus Bridge.

we moved when i was in third grade (and stayed till i finished 7th). it was such a different place than Columbia, SC where i grew up. selma was much smaller. and the population was (is) predominantly black.

i wouldn't go so far as to say that i'd never seen black people before, but i don't remember interacting with any prior to my years in selma. so i consider myself lucky for having lived there. otherwise who knows how skewed my view of the world would have been.
incidentally, after we left selma, we moved back to columbia, and i was in middle school. by that point it wasn't as white as i had remembered my years before.

i remember getting an interesting lesson in vocab from my 7th grade math teacher.
i wish i clearly remembered all of the circumstances surrounding it, because it does sound odd...
we were in class & it was time for yearbook pictures. i'm guessing there was a club that needed to meet for pictures. but what i remember him saying was "minorities needed to leave to take pictures" i couldn't have been more puzzled because i hadn't ever heard the term "minority" in reference to race. (and i can't imagine there'd be a "minority club" ??) i do remember being confused because i looked around my classroom, and it was me that was in the minority. i think i even may have stood up before he explained it to me.

i do believe that the bizarre term "minority" is in reference to quantity & certainly not quality. so it was a strange place to have heard it first.

nothing to see here

i have a ton of things swirling around in my head. i wish i could open it up & let it all come out. i hate that i haven't posted very well since becoming a mom.

sometimes i come up w/ a post, but don't write it b/c i lack time & energy in making it sound comprehendable, much less somewhat interesting. sometimes i think i shouldn't complain so much on the blog so i don't write. sometimes i know i shouldn't post what i'm really thinking.

and most times i come up w/ a post- like last night in bed- and i when i go to write it, it's drivel (like this).

it's partly because i didn't want this blog to turn into a blog about the baby. occasionally, fine... but now i see i have no other identity. which i knew would happen to an extent. & i'm fine with it overall. it's just when i want to seem interesting that i realize i have nothing to say if not talking about little bean. other than- gee the weather's awfully foggy today. & oh crap, clemson lost the bowl game.

& if i go to write about something i had planned before baby came along, i realize that's not what i'm thinking/feeling at the moment, so all creativity & energy just leaves it sitting there like the lump that it is.

hopefully i'll get out of this slump very soon.
thanks for stopping by.
i hope 09 is good to us all.