finally, work isn't boring anymore. no more staring/reading the computer tons & tons of information. (i can't remember where i read things i need to know there's so many websites & places to visit)
we're in the beginning of what is usually called "relay season"
If you know anything about Relay For Life, this is the time my 4 counties are having their "kickoff" parties. If you don't know anything about Relay For Life, i hate to say you're missing out.
Relay season typically runs full-swing from Jan-June, w/ events normally occuring in may or late april. however since i have readers from all over the US, each region is different. but i can almost guarantee there is a RFL in your area.
some of the counties i have are pretty podunk themselves. so it's not just for metropolises. (that's a fun word)
Relay For Life is the signature fundraising event for the American Cancer Society.
(RFL belongs to ACS).
it's a fundraiser that helps to fund the research & programs that are in your community. RFL is about celebrating, remembering, & fighting back!
the 2 most poignant parts of the event are the survivor/caregivers' lap & the luminaria ceremony.
it's a fun-filled event where you get to camp out w/ your coworkers, friends, family....whomever you've formed a team with. staying all night signifies the journey a cancer patient goes thru---- from diagnosis to (hopefully) remission.
it's a great event. and i'm not just saying that cuz i work for ACS.
my fam's began relaying while i was in college. b/c i was in college, i pretty much missed it, or babysat for my sister karen while she stayed all night and the kids didn't have to.
but when i began teaching, we formed a team and i've done it all 7 years. i was team captain for 4. it's a great way to have fun w/ your friends while giving back to a great cause.
um, i didn't mean to sound like a commercial. believe me, ACS has no idea i have a blog so i'm not doing this b/c i "have to".....
if you care about more information, http://www.relayforlife.org/ is a great site to visit.
happy relaying!
and, now you see why i've been a little absent (and missed not one, but TWO Thurs 13s!!!)
Friday, January 25, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
decisions decisions
The Mr. & i have been together for 13 years.
it was about 4 years in that i contemplated all these thoughts about not having any kids. (parts 1-3 below)
we moved in together w/ this uncertainty.
we got engaged w/ this uncertainty. assuming it's a "no" but who knows down the road? we got married. same deal.
i still can't believe he was OK w/ all this.
and i can't believe how badly i felt about it. i'm slightly obsessive in that if i don't feel definitive about something, i think it to death. i'm sorta a planner. so no surprise soon after we were married, i developed my YES/NO list that as i thought of something, i put things down in the proper column.
and even tho (to this day) the NO column has more items in it than the yes, i finally thought differently about how i was thinking.
it wasn't a count of items, so much as the weight of the items.
and when it came right down to it, The Mr. wanting a kid outweighed some of my items. knowing i wanted to watch him become a father outweighed some of my items. knowing all that he sacrifices for us, and takes care of in order to make our (my) life so much easier.... that outweighed a lot of my items.
so i contemplated maybe being a mom.
being a teacher for so long...... that's good incentive to not have a kid! i did always know that i couldn't do both. i came home so aggravated & tired, i knew i couldn't deal w/ a newborn. nor a 1st grader. nor a teen!
so once i started thinking about how to make it work, i just had to convince myself that it could work for me.
it's taken me about 4 years to get to the point that i could seriously consider it. but 2 years ago, i told The Mr. in hawaii that this is indeed something we could explore.
instead of being "no way!" i started to be "maybe" & the more i thought of him being a dad. and how much i knew he must've wanted it. and knowing all that he does for me/us all the time, it was a difficult, but well-thought-out decision.
i'm glad i went through this decision process.
i've always been a big fan (still am) of adopting.
i've always thought it would mean more to me to choose a kid instead of just having one b/c i was "s'posed to". i feel now that i have indeed chosen. and i'm prepared (ok, is anyone REALLY prepared?) to have a child of our own. girl or boy. good times & bad. i know it will be tough. but i know i have a wonderful support in The Mr. and this isn't something i'm doing. we're pregnant. not just me.
and that makes me feel very happy!
thank you for being a part of this saga. i think i would've done better had i written it all down the same day.
it was about 4 years in that i contemplated all these thoughts about not having any kids. (parts 1-3 below)
we moved in together w/ this uncertainty.
we got engaged w/ this uncertainty. assuming it's a "no" but who knows down the road? we got married. same deal.
i still can't believe he was OK w/ all this.
and i can't believe how badly i felt about it. i'm slightly obsessive in that if i don't feel definitive about something, i think it to death. i'm sorta a planner. so no surprise soon after we were married, i developed my YES/NO list that as i thought of something, i put things down in the proper column.
and even tho (to this day) the NO column has more items in it than the yes, i finally thought differently about how i was thinking.
it wasn't a count of items, so much as the weight of the items.
and when it came right down to it, The Mr. wanting a kid outweighed some of my items. knowing i wanted to watch him become a father outweighed some of my items. knowing all that he sacrifices for us, and takes care of in order to make our (my) life so much easier.... that outweighed a lot of my items.
so i contemplated maybe being a mom.
being a teacher for so long...... that's good incentive to not have a kid! i did always know that i couldn't do both. i came home so aggravated & tired, i knew i couldn't deal w/ a newborn. nor a 1st grader. nor a teen!
so once i started thinking about how to make it work, i just had to convince myself that it could work for me.
it's taken me about 4 years to get to the point that i could seriously consider it. but 2 years ago, i told The Mr. in hawaii that this is indeed something we could explore.
instead of being "no way!" i started to be "maybe" & the more i thought of him being a dad. and how much i knew he must've wanted it. and knowing all that he does for me/us all the time, it was a difficult, but well-thought-out decision.
i'm glad i went through this decision process.
i've always been a big fan (still am) of adopting.
i've always thought it would mean more to me to choose a kid instead of just having one b/c i was "s'posed to". i feel now that i have indeed chosen. and i'm prepared (ok, is anyone REALLY prepared?) to have a child of our own. girl or boy. good times & bad. i know it will be tough. but i know i have a wonderful support in The Mr. and this isn't something i'm doing. we're pregnant. not just me.
and that makes me feel very happy!
thank you for being a part of this saga. i think i would've done better had i written it all down the same day.
Monday, January 14, 2008
no thanks
........... and telling him was the hardest thing.
i had recently graduated college. The Mr. was still at clemson, and all this alone time got me thinking. (part 1, part 2)
for valentine's day, i went up to see him. i was a little nervous b/c i knew i had soooooooo much on my mind. which could potentially (hopefully) affect his life. i was very sad & afraid to tell him conclusions i've started to come to.
we went to some park. it was a nice day. we had a picnic & great conversation.
but me being me... i can't keep too much inside. i knew i needed to talk to him and he had roommates, so this was a good time.
all in one fell swoop, oh, by the way, i don't think i want kids.
?!!!?
you wouldn't believe how cool he was! it was very tough. we talked about it, and he did indeed want them. so now what?
we figured we'd cross that bridge later. but he was with ME. not kids. he wasn't too worried about it.
of course, i couldn't understand! and i hated myself for it. b/c i knew he wanted them. i was being selfish. he'd be a great dad.....
but really, it wasn't time to deal with it. he decided that wasn't something to break up for. (thank god!) & he loved me. (thanks again!)
every so often, we would revisit the subject. i reiterated my thoughts. he was (!) fine. he once told me he wanted me. and if that meant no kids, then that was what he wanted.
course i questioned everything b/c i couldn't understand how he could be that understanding. i hated feeling selfish.
after 6 years of dating, opportunities came for us to live together in GA. i had the hardest time making such a HUGE step....
and knowing that he wanted kids & me?--- not so much.
but me being me, i knew never to say never. but i couldn't be definitive.
The Mr. being The Mr... he accepted that. & it was fine. (!)
man. i felt like i was killing his future.
still i couldn't waiver. i just never FELT like a mom.
it just wasn't for me.
i had recently graduated college. The Mr. was still at clemson, and all this alone time got me thinking. (part 1, part 2)
for valentine's day, i went up to see him. i was a little nervous b/c i knew i had soooooooo much on my mind. which could potentially (hopefully) affect his life. i was very sad & afraid to tell him conclusions i've started to come to.
we went to some park. it was a nice day. we had a picnic & great conversation.
but me being me... i can't keep too much inside. i knew i needed to talk to him and he had roommates, so this was a good time.
all in one fell swoop, oh, by the way, i don't think i want kids.
?!!!?
you wouldn't believe how cool he was! it was very tough. we talked about it, and he did indeed want them. so now what?
we figured we'd cross that bridge later. but he was with ME. not kids. he wasn't too worried about it.
of course, i couldn't understand! and i hated myself for it. b/c i knew he wanted them. i was being selfish. he'd be a great dad.....
but really, it wasn't time to deal with it. he decided that wasn't something to break up for. (thank god!) & he loved me. (thanks again!)
every so often, we would revisit the subject. i reiterated my thoughts. he was (!) fine. he once told me he wanted me. and if that meant no kids, then that was what he wanted.
course i questioned everything b/c i couldn't understand how he could be that understanding. i hated feeling selfish.
after 6 years of dating, opportunities came for us to live together in GA. i had the hardest time making such a HUGE step....
and knowing that he wanted kids & me?--- not so much.
but me being me, i knew never to say never. but i couldn't be definitive.
The Mr. being The Mr... he accepted that. & it was fine. (!)
man. i felt like i was killing his future.
still i couldn't waiver. i just never FELT like a mom.
it just wasn't for me.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
2 be or not...
................ on to continue the story (part 1 here)
i remember when it finally dawned on me that, you know what? i don't HAVE to have kids. do i even WANT them? i didn't know!!!! i mean, it was just what was next is all. i never thought of it before. that didn't matter.
i didn't know what it felt like to want to be a mom. when you live your life assuming you'll be a mom w/o question, you don't even stop to think or feel.
one night, i came to the conclusion that maybe- just maybe- i didn't want to have kids. who said you had to? not every woman is destined to be a good mom.
just b/c i have ovaries and a uterus and bleed every month doesn't mean i'll be nurturing and loving and responsible. oh, sure- i'm a responsible person! like, i know not to leave a kid near a stove unattendend. but responsible to raise it with values and decency--- what if i couldn't raise a kid to be like me? what if it was like one of my brothers????
that was one thing that started me on my thinking.
all 13 of us have the same parents. same catholic upbringing. sure, by the time they got to ricky & me, they may have been a little less inclined to care, er i mean overprotect us. (actually, my parents aren't the "overprotecting personality" type but i'm sure there was a little more leniency). i remember one of my sisters getting more upset than is normal b/c we were allowed to have TWO. BOWLS. OF. GOOD. CEREAL! ---as a kid, we could have one sweet and one boring. (like 1 Life, 1 corn flakes)--- um, it was just ricky & me in the house. we were in high school. i digress....
so how can that be??? same parents. w/ the same ideals. 13 very different kids! especially when it came to my law-breaking good-for-not-much brothers.
what if i couldn't control that???? what if my kid was just like them?????
out of my 6 brothers, 100% have spent at least one night in jail on more than one occasion for DUI. i'm fairly certain that 75-100% have tried drugs, if not regularly. one brother sold pot!!! 50% went to college, none obtaining a "career". and 1 of them i never knew. i had met him, but the last time i saw him i was 7. (he didn't come back to our family until i was about to graduate college....)
now... i know that you can be successful w/o a college degree/career. i know that college isn't for everyone (clearly). i know that mechanics are just as worthy and good people as MBAs and MDs are. but in college, at the beginning of my questioning things, this is what i came to. did i want to take that chance????
aaannnnnnnd just so you know my 6 sisters weren't exactly angels.
i just wasn't sure i wanted to take that on. am i perfect? heck no. my bros & sis think i'm not "normal" b/c i don't do all they partying and rebelling that apparently they did. but i've enjoyed myself. i did decently in school & was normal in college (when was the first time YOU realized you could CUT a class!!!! woohoo!)
i just have my ideas and they have theirs.....
did i want a kid to be just like me? hell no! i have too many issues. and so do they.
so why oh why did i think i should be a mom?
i didn't.
and telling The Mr. was the hardest thing for me...............
i remember when it finally dawned on me that, you know what? i don't HAVE to have kids. do i even WANT them? i didn't know!!!! i mean, it was just what was next is all. i never thought of it before. that didn't matter.
i didn't know what it felt like to want to be a mom. when you live your life assuming you'll be a mom w/o question, you don't even stop to think or feel.
one night, i came to the conclusion that maybe- just maybe- i didn't want to have kids. who said you had to? not every woman is destined to be a good mom.
just b/c i have ovaries and a uterus and bleed every month doesn't mean i'll be nurturing and loving and responsible. oh, sure- i'm a responsible person! like, i know not to leave a kid near a stove unattendend. but responsible to raise it with values and decency--- what if i couldn't raise a kid to be like me? what if it was like one of my brothers????
that was one thing that started me on my thinking.
all 13 of us have the same parents. same catholic upbringing. sure, by the time they got to ricky & me, they may have been a little less inclined to care, er i mean overprotect us. (actually, my parents aren't the "overprotecting personality" type but i'm sure there was a little more leniency). i remember one of my sisters getting more upset than is normal b/c we were allowed to have TWO. BOWLS. OF. GOOD. CEREAL! ---as a kid, we could have one sweet and one boring. (like 1 Life, 1 corn flakes)--- um, it was just ricky & me in the house. we were in high school. i digress....
so how can that be??? same parents. w/ the same ideals. 13 very different kids! especially when it came to my law-breaking good-for-not-much brothers.
what if i couldn't control that???? what if my kid was just like them?????
out of my 6 brothers, 100% have spent at least one night in jail on more than one occasion for DUI. i'm fairly certain that 75-100% have tried drugs, if not regularly. one brother sold pot!!! 50% went to college, none obtaining a "career". and 1 of them i never knew. i had met him, but the last time i saw him i was 7. (he didn't come back to our family until i was about to graduate college....)
now... i know that you can be successful w/o a college degree/career. i know that college isn't for everyone (clearly). i know that mechanics are just as worthy and good people as MBAs and MDs are. but in college, at the beginning of my questioning things, this is what i came to. did i want to take that chance????
aaannnnnnnd just so you know my 6 sisters weren't exactly angels.
i just wasn't sure i wanted to take that on. am i perfect? heck no. my bros & sis think i'm not "normal" b/c i don't do all they partying and rebelling that apparently they did. but i've enjoyed myself. i did decently in school & was normal in college (when was the first time YOU realized you could CUT a class!!!! woohoo!)
i just have my ideas and they have theirs.....
did i want a kid to be just like me? hell no! i have too many issues. and so do they.
so why oh why did i think i should be a mom?
i didn't.
and telling The Mr. was the hardest thing for me...............
Thursday, January 10, 2008
still ....
- aunt flo, monthly, "that time of the month", etc...
- having said types of accidents. in public. w/o a coverup
- you have to always be jovial. no bad moods allowed in your life, lest you be accused of #1.
- having a zillion accoutrements on the bathroom sink
- panty lines
- not having any panty lines= undies up your butt (or a thong- same thing)
- a normal-looking/average guy can still be attractive. an average looking girl just isn't enough. have you been to the movies lately???
- shaving! yeah. we can skip w/o a lot of hassle or evidence, but it's so much more to keep up
- if you don't have good hair- well.... then forget it!
- expectations of having a kid.
- bathing suits.
- fear of labor.
- labor. (worth mentioning twice!)
hate being a girl!
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
while we're on the subject
i didn't want to post this on littlebean's blog b/c my family doesn't know of my struggle .
if you know me, or have read my blog, then you know i'm the youngest of 13 kids.
that has a lot to do w/ my decision to not have kids. i remember once breaking my mom's heart... i was going into the 8th grade, and she took me to register at a new school. of course in all the paperwork, you always have to list brothers & sisters. so, when the secretary saw my lineage, she was amazed & quickly asked "how do you like it?" well, unfortunately for mom, i quickly responded. "i don't"
ooooooooohhhh that's gotta hurt!
& i really didn't mean anything by it. to me, it was just no big deal. i mean, that was my life. and since i'm the youngest, it was the only life i'd ever known. we never talked about it (that i remember) but i know she was hurt.
ask mommy & daddy how many kids they always wanted, and their response was something like "however many God will give us"....
my family is catholic. and from the north (which, for some reason it seemed a little more accepted to have a bazillion kids.... guess b/c there are tons o' catholics up north as opposed to down south). anyway- i digress.
that's just how it was. you didn't plan and prepare and wish and hope. you just did the deed and saw what happened. then it was "easy" to raise 1, 4, 9, 13 kids. b/c that's just how it was.
when asked how many kids i wanted (why, by the way, is it always assumed? as a kid, you're not asked if. you're asked how many....) i always responded- loudly- "NOT 13!"
but of course, i'd meet a guy, get married & have kids. i guess i always knew i'd have more than one. b/c an only child??? how sad! and i didn't want 3. b/c a middle child??? how sad! so it was pretty much down to 2 kids or 4. hey, i know! give me twins... let it be done.
i went to college. i began to question some things. like why/how my parents could even have that many. how did it work out (i STILL don't know!!!), if it was a good idea. i questioned religion. i did what a lot of college kids do. i just questioned. out of true curiosity. not rebellion. not angst.
it was a long time of pondering.
The Mr. & i had already begun dating in the midst of this. even when we first got together, i was super excited b/c he was catholic. !! and how none of my family ever dated, let alone married a catholic. unheard of down south! (he's from the north)
so at the beginning of us, we fell in love. and of course, we both wanted kids.
and then----i didn't......
.....................
if you know me, or have read my blog, then you know i'm the youngest of 13 kids.
that has a lot to do w/ my decision to not have kids. i remember once breaking my mom's heart... i was going into the 8th grade, and she took me to register at a new school. of course in all the paperwork, you always have to list brothers & sisters. so, when the secretary saw my lineage, she was amazed & quickly asked "how do you like it?" well, unfortunately for mom, i quickly responded. "i don't"
ooooooooohhhh that's gotta hurt!
& i really didn't mean anything by it. to me, it was just no big deal. i mean, that was my life. and since i'm the youngest, it was the only life i'd ever known. we never talked about it (that i remember) but i know she was hurt.
ask mommy & daddy how many kids they always wanted, and their response was something like "however many God will give us"....
my family is catholic. and from the north (which, for some reason it seemed a little more accepted to have a bazillion kids.... guess b/c there are tons o' catholics up north as opposed to down south). anyway- i digress.
that's just how it was. you didn't plan and prepare and wish and hope. you just did the deed and saw what happened. then it was "easy" to raise 1, 4, 9, 13 kids. b/c that's just how it was.
when asked how many kids i wanted (why, by the way, is it always assumed? as a kid, you're not asked if. you're asked how many....) i always responded- loudly- "NOT 13!"
but of course, i'd meet a guy, get married & have kids. i guess i always knew i'd have more than one. b/c an only child??? how sad! and i didn't want 3. b/c a middle child??? how sad! so it was pretty much down to 2 kids or 4. hey, i know! give me twins... let it be done.
i went to college. i began to question some things. like why/how my parents could even have that many. how did it work out (i STILL don't know!!!), if it was a good idea. i questioned religion. i did what a lot of college kids do. i just questioned. out of true curiosity. not rebellion. not angst.
it was a long time of pondering.
The Mr. & i had already begun dating in the midst of this. even when we first got together, i was super excited b/c he was catholic. !! and how none of my family ever dated, let alone married a catholic. unheard of down south! (he's from the north)
so at the beginning of us, we fell in love. and of course, we both wanted kids.
and then----i didn't......
.....................
Saturday, January 5, 2008
vacation home
with the exciting news i just shared comes a vacation home, of sorts.
i will be posting about our pregnancy adventures & little bean on a separate blog.
i decided i don't really want to share this blog with family... not that i've said anything hurtful, but who knows- this blog will be my outlet for whatever comes my way. however, the easiest way to let people who may care to keep up w/ little bean is to start a blog for that purpose.
unfortunately, blogger attaches both blogs to my profile -- so there goes privacy. and any changes i make on one go to the other....... dumb, right? after lots of complaining and trying to finagle, i had to move to a new site altogether.
i will still update this site for non-baby related thoughts.
anyone who cares to follow up on little bean, please visit!
(and for those blogs that i do read, i will add your links on my new site.... as soon as i figure out how!)
i'll keep my vacation home spotless. come visit anytime!
i'll have a cuppa joe waiting.
i will be posting about our pregnancy adventures & little bean on a separate blog.
i decided i don't really want to share this blog with family... not that i've said anything hurtful, but who knows- this blog will be my outlet for whatever comes my way. however, the easiest way to let people who may care to keep up w/ little bean is to start a blog for that purpose.
unfortunately, blogger attaches both blogs to my profile -- so there goes privacy. and any changes i make on one go to the other....... dumb, right? after lots of complaining and trying to finagle, i had to move to a new site altogether.
i will still update this site for non-baby related thoughts.
anyone who cares to follow up on little bean, please visit!
(and for those blogs that i do read, i will add your links on my new site.... as soon as i figure out how!)
i'll keep my vacation home spotless. come visit anytime!
i'll have a cuppa joe waiting.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
life changing
here are 13 lil' ol' letters that can change your life:
- O
- M
- G
- I
- M
- P
- R
- E
- G
- N
- A
- N
- T
!!!! more to come.....
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
tables are turned
so it's been a long-standing jab at The Mr. b/c he usually goes to sleep during New Year's Eve. tho we have seen a few together in the last 13 years, it usually takes effort on my part (ie: take him somewhere & leave the comforts of home).
since we've been married, we've usually hung out at home. he'll sleep on the couch by the fire and i'll wake him up for the ball drop.
turn those tables, baby!
i couldn't WAIT for yesterday. yummmmmmy hibachi dinner & come home just in time to watch Clemson vs Auburn in the "peach" bowl (er...chickfila bowl). the plan for The Mr. was to set the fire & be asleep by 9. (so no yelling and hooraying and cussing on my part)
who was it that slept in the 4th quarter? who happened to wake up just as auburn scored the winning TD in OT? ummmmmm, that would be me.
oops!
happy new year, all!
hope it's great in 08.
since we've been married, we've usually hung out at home. he'll sleep on the couch by the fire and i'll wake him up for the ball drop.
turn those tables, baby!
i couldn't WAIT for yesterday. yummmmmmy hibachi dinner & come home just in time to watch Clemson vs Auburn in the "peach" bowl (er...chickfila bowl). the plan for The Mr. was to set the fire & be asleep by 9. (so no yelling and hooraying and cussing on my part)
who was it that slept in the 4th quarter? who happened to wake up just as auburn scored the winning TD in OT? ummmmmm, that would be me.
oops!
happy new year, all!
hope it's great in 08.
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